Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. Why Narcissist Warns You: Stay Away? Upfront Narcissist: Preemptive Disclosure, Ostentatious Honesty

1. 00:02 The narcissist regards everyone around him or her as celluloid figures in a silent movie or NPCs in a video game.
2. 00:16 There’s no perception of the other as three-dimensional, real, separate, external, and possessed of some kind of personal autonomy and agency. their own hopes and dreams and fantasies and fears and beliefs and values, cognitions and emotions. None of
3. 00:35 this is perceived by the narcissist because the narcissist inhabits an internal landscape which is barren of external objects. an internal landscape populated by internal objects with which he interacts constantly and only with internal objects. So how come sometimes
4. 01:01 narcissist would come to you and say I am a bad person. You are too good for me. You deserve better. I regret and am ashamed of things I’ve done. Looking back at my past, I realize that I may be evil or I may have been wrong. How come narcissists confess,
5. 01:28 display remorse and regret or at the very least critical self-castigating and self-chasting self-awareness? Are narcissists capable of this? And if someone were to come to you and say all the above, confessing to his or her inadequacy and to your alleged superiority,
6. 01:57 should do should you then say this is not a narcissist. He is not a narcissisty. She is not a narcissist. She came to me and said, “I’m a bad person. I have wronged you. I have hurt you. I’m so sorry. I’m ashamed. You deserve much better. Stay away from me.
7. 02:17 That’s not a narcissist, is it? Well, stay tuned. My name is Svakny and I’m the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited. I’m also a professor of psychology and no, you do not deserve better. Everything the narcissist does. Everything the narcissist does. Like
8. 02:44 which part of everything is not clear? Everything, every behavior, every speech act, every utterance, every sentence, every interaction, every gaze, every look, everything. From the way the narcissist dresses to the way the narcissist talks to you. From
9. 03:06 the content of the narcissist’s speech to the actual behaviors, they all focused around re they all revolve around the ultimate and the only goal of the narcissist securing an uninterrupted regular flow of narcissistic supply. End of story. Period. And the narcissists often
10. 03:31 narcissists often manipulate their environments, human environment and sometimes physical environment in order to extract narcissistic supply. So when a narcissist comes to you and says, “I’ve wronged you. You deserve better. Stay away from me. I’m a bad
11. 03:48 person. I regret and I’m ashamed.” It’s all all this. This is a manipulative technique. It’s machavelian. It’s not real. The narcissist is saying all this because this is the overtone window. This is this is the window of speech which is calculated to yield a modified
12. 04:10 behavior on your part. In other words, the narcissist is trying to modify your behaviors by engaging in specific speech acts, specific sentences, specific exclamations, proclamations, and promulgations which are guaranteed to yield the results which the narcissist seeks.
13. 04:30 So the narcissist would emulate and imitate empathy, remorse, regret, shame, guilt, self-observation, self-awareness, you name it. The narcissist would be anything you want him to be. Would act in any way you want her to act just in order to secure
14. 04:54 narcissistic supply. It’s a junkie. It’s simply a junkie. Anyone who has worked with junkies, and I have, realizes the affinity between junkies and narcissists. Narcissistic supply is the most potent drug or substance I’ve ever come across. And it obviously
15. 05:12 regulates a narcissist, conditions the narcissist to behave in highly specific ways. We could say that narcissistic supply constrains and constricts the narcissist’s available repatory, behavioral reperatory. And so the narcissist goes something like this.
16. 05:33 This is the internal or the inner dialogue like what can I say that would yield narcissistic supply? If I tell her that I’m rich, if I tell her that I’m powerful, would it yield supply? If it would, I will. If on the other hand, I tell her that I’m tenderhearted, empathic,
17. 05:56 compassionate, affectionate, loving, and caring, would that heal supply? If it would, I will. And if I were to exhibit myself as someone who is very self-aware, remorseful, regretful, full of shame and guilt, someone who regards himself as unworthy,
18. 06:21 would that yield narcissistic supply? If it would, I will. Anything goes to cut a long story short. So the narcissist um makavelian preemptive disclosure and ostentatious honesty there intended to convert you into a source of narcissistic supply within a shared fantasy.
19. 06:50 There is no such thing as a truly upfront narcissist. There’s a truly honest narcissist. No such thing. Narcissists engage in confabulations. They live a life of falsity. Their their self is a false self. Their life is a concoction of narratives
20. 07:15 and pieces of fiction which they somehow stitched together into an incoherent, incohesive quilt. They suffer from memory gaps and they’re trying to bridge these memory gaps by coming up with all kinds of concocted stories and yards. The narcissist’s natural state, the
21. 07:36 narcissist ecosystem and habitat is falsity, falsehood, counterfactuals. So when the narcissist appears to be inordinately honest, when the narcissist appears to be self critical and even harshly critical of himself or herself, when the narcissist
22. 08:01 shares with you his predelections and proclivities and warns you against them, when the narcissist tells you to stay away because he truly loves you and he cares for you and so on so forth, pay no attention and no heed. to the overt text. Pay a lot of attention and hed to the
23. 08:21 subtext, the under text, the hidden text. Ostentatious honesty involves preemptive disclosure. The examples that I gave, stay away from me because I’m a bad person and I’m going to hurt you. That is preemptive disclosure. I’m disclosing to you what
24. 08:43 might happen to you if you do not heed my warning. Preemptive disclosure is associated with ostentatious honesty. And it can cover anything. The narcissist’s bad traits, personal history, wrongdoing, you name it. A narcissist would come to you and openly misbehave,
25. 09:06 openly engage in egregious misconduct, but do it. He would do it openly. He would do it honestly. Donald Trump comes to mind. Donald Trump and his family are engaging in in the most egregious spree of corruption ever witnessed on this planet. And yet they’re doing it
26. 09:23 completely openly. They’re totally honest about it. And it is this ostentatious honesty, this preemptive disclosure which are endearing, disarming. They foster a sense of safety. It’s like when the narcissist comes to you and says, “I’m a bad person. Stay
27. 09:44 away from me. You know, I don’t want to hurt you because I love you.” And so, you say to yourself, maybe unconsciously, maybe even consciously. You say to yourself, is so honest, I know now what is actually happening. Nothing is going to happen behind my
28. 10:01 back. Nothing is going to surprise me. Not one behavior is going to be unpredictable. The narcissist’s ostentatious honesty and preemptive disclosure create an ambiance of safety, security, predictability, certainty, and determinacy. It’s as if the narcissist says, “Yeah,
29. 10:23 maybe I’m a bad guy. Yeah, maybe I’m going to do bad things to you.” But you are never going to be surprised. And none of these things is going to come out of the blue or be unpredictable. You’re going to be well prepared because I’m going to prepare you in advance. I’m
30. 10:40 going to give you a pre-warning, an advanced notice, a chance to get away. And this is like a a contract. This is like a compact between the narcissist and his victims. This type of narcissist and his victims, it’s like, “Yeah, maybe I’m going to abuse you. Yeah,
31. 11:00 narcissistic abuse is horrible. Yeah, I’m going to embed you in a shared fantasy. I’m going to cut you off from your family and friends. I’m going to distort your reality. I’m going to render you delusional and and sick and disoriented and dislocated. I’m going to
32. 11:14 do horrible things to you. But I’m going to be very honest about this. I’m going to tell you about these things in advance. I’m going to prepare you. You’re going to be prepared for them. It’s not going to come as a shock. You’re never going to be shocked. And some people say,
33. 11:32 “I’d rather live like that. I’d rather confront harsh reality and anything it can throw at me by being prepared in advance, by being informed. All my decisions, all my choices would be therefore informed choices and informed decisions. The narcissist’s honesty, ostentatious
34. 11:56 honesty, and the narcissist preemptive disclosure render the the the field a level playing field. It’s like, yeah, he may misbehave, he may hurt me, he may harm me, he may destroy me, he may torture and abuse me, but at least I see it coming. At least I
35. 12:19 know where it’s coming from. When is it going to when is it going to fall on me? I know when I’m going to be subjected to all this. I know because I’ve been told and I’ve been told by the narcissist himself. This is the kind of narcissist I want to be with because he is not
36. 12:34 treacherous. He is not a liar. He is not dishonest. He is not backstabbing. He is not traitorous. He is not This is someone I can trust. Yes, I can trust him to torture me. Yes, I can trust him to abuse me, but I can still trust this person because his lo the locus of
37. 12:58 grandiosity of this kind of narcissist is exactly his honesty. He is proud of his honesty. He feels superior owing to his disclosure. The fact that he’s honest elevates him, renders him supreme, even godlike. This kind of narcissist is so invested
38. 13:21 emotionally in his honesty that he would never actually lie. He would never deceive. He would be completely open. And you could trust every single thing he or she says. And yet it is exactly this that disarms you, takes away your weapons, your capacity, your defensive capacity.
39. 13:46 Disarming Think of the word disarming. Disarming means charming. Disarming means irresistible. Disarming means cute. But think of the word disarming takes away your weapons, takes away your defenses, takes away your armaments. You are rendered defenseless by the
40. 14:08 narcissist honesty. And there is a link of course between preemptive disclosure, ostentatious honesty and false modesty or pseudo humility. I have dealt with pseudo humility and false modesty in other videos. I will place a link in the description for
41. 14:26 those of you who want to watch them. But false modesty and pseudo humility are a form of bragging. It’s like humble bragging. You know, it’s a form of look at me, look how hon look how uh humble I am, look how honest I am, look how modest I am, look how how
42. 14:49 straightforward I am, look how trustworthy I am. It’s it’s a form of grandiosity. It is self-enhancement. It is self-elevating. It is a way to preserve a self-concept as a good person. What the narcissist, this kind of narcissist, mainly pro-social and communal narcissist. What
43. 15:08 this kind of narcissist says is I am superior, I am supreme, I am godlike because I am an unprecedentedly incredibly good person. My innate essential goodness, my morality, my honesty, they are such that they render me above humanity. They render me divine. They
44. 15:39 render me unique. They render me special. No one is as honest as I am. No one is as moral as I am. No one is as ethical as I am. And no one can be trusted the way I can be trusted because I’m always in your face. I’m always um uh honest and open about everything I’m
45. 16:00 doing and thinking I am um disclosing everything in a timely fashion and this preemptive disclosure is to your benefit my dear victim. So there’s a lot of false modesty here, pseudo humility, but they are they’re all forms of grandiosity. And because in communal or
46. 16:22 pro-ocial narcissism, there is a co-optation, there is a compromise of traits and behaviors which are normally considered socially positive, socially accepted, socially approbated, socially commendable. The pro-social and communal narcissist appropriates
47. 16:45 a nexus, adopts behaviors and speech acts which are usually associated with really good people with real really honest people. It’s a form of mimicry. It’s a form of simulation or emulation or imitation. And so whereas truly honest people don’t go around bragging about it, the
48. 17:11 narcissist would. Whereas truthful people would simply say the truth. The narcissist, the pro-social narcissist would say the truth, would tell the truth and then point to it and emphasize it and say, “You see, I’m telling you the truth.” Whereas truthful and honest people are
49. 17:30 trustworthy. The narcissist would make sure that you trust him because he is honest and truthful. He would point out all the instances in which he has been forthcoming and has fully disclosed everything. He would create an ambiencece where his track record is
50. 17:51 visible. Hence, ostentatious honesty. visible track record renders the narcissist trustworthy. And so the pro-social narcissist is a a bit of a caricature. It’s a caricature of a truly good person. And yet the pro-social or communal narcissist believes himself to be truly good.
51. 18:18 The grandiosity, the locus of grandiosity of the pro-social narcissist is I’m a good person. Actually, I’m unusually good. I’m inordinately good. I’m amazingly good. I’m unprecedentedly good. I am incredibly good. All my essence is pure goodness.
52. 18:37 My quidity, everything is good about me. There’s nothing about me that is not good. And this is why I allow myself to be so honest. Yes, I have my shortcomings. Yes, I have my foibless. Yes, I commit. I make mistakes. Yeah. But unlike other people, I’m self-aware.
53. 19:02 I’m honest. I disclose them. I warn you in advance. I regret and express shame and guilt because I’m a good person. And so this appears to be a kind of vulnerability. When you come across such a narcissist who is very open about himself, a narcissist who says,
54. 19:25 um, sometimes I’m evil. I think I’m going to hurt you. Stay away from me because you’re you you’re you deserve much better. It appears to be as if this kind of narcissist is actually vulnerable, broken, crying for help, in need of love. And so this vulnerability is a bait. The
55. 19:48 narcissist uses this feigned ostentatious play acting vulnerability as a way to attract you, as a way to induct you into his shared fantasy, as a way to take over you, as a way to consume you and subsume you. The vulnerability that he or she displays creates intimacy.
56. 20:09 When when a narcissist tells you you deserve better than me, stay away from me, I don’t want to hurt you, I love you and so on, he appears to be very vulnerable and you experience intimacy. Vulnerability always creates intimacy. This is why vulnerability is a
57. 20:27 precondition for love. You cannot experience true love without vulnerability, both your own and your partners. One could even say that love and intimacy are the sum of all vulnerabilities. And the narcissist imitates vulnerability by by this by engaging in this display
58. 20:52 this exhibitionistic display of honesty and disclosure. and I’m going to tell you everything about me and you can trust me because I never lie or I’m honest or you know these are all intended to create intimacy and you also involve the partner
59. 21:17 exposed to this ostentatious honesty and preemptive disclosure. You also you know abuse abuse is a dance macabo. It takes two to tango. The abuser collabor the abuse collaborate. The abuser collaborates with the victim and the victim collaborates with the abuser. End of story.
60. 21:39 You would never become a victim if you do not choose to become a victim. There is no such thing as incidental or accidental victimhood except with natural disasters. You don’t choose to be the victim of a tornado, but you do choose to be the victim of a narcissist or a psychopath.
61. 21:58 And one of the reasons is that the narcissist vulnerability, feigned fake vulnerability, the narcissist’s ostentatious honesty, the narcissist’s preemptive disclosure, the narcissist’s force modesty, the narcissist cloud of intimacy, the narcissist shared
62. 22:16 fantasy. They all make you feel very special. You feel chosen. You say to yourself, “This narcissist trusts only me. I am his confidant. I’m chosen by him. I’m unique. I’m special. He would never say these things to other people. He doesn’t care about other
63. 22:40 people. He hurts other people. He harms other people. He abuses other people. And he doesn’t bother to disclose himself to them. He doesn’t bother to show them his true colors. He doesn’t bother to give them pre pre an in advanced notice or pre-warning.
64. 22:58 He’s doing this only with me. And that’s because I’m highly special. I’m empathic. I’m unique. I’m kind. I’m nice. I don’t know. I’m capable of love the likes of which he has never experienced. I am somehow fixing him and healing him and saving him and rescuing
65. 23:16 him. I am mothering him. I’m his mother. You’re telling yourself some kind of story which is self aggrandizing a story which is self-enhancing the narcissist uh game of trust shell game. The narcissist this game of I’m going to be honest with you about myself and because
66. 23:38 I’m honest with you about myself you can trust me. This is the message of the narcissist. And so this game that he’s playing with you makes you feel that you have been chosen, that you are special and renders the whole interaction addictive, irresistible and difficult to
67. 23:58 break. It is an essential part essential component in trauma bonding. And so gradually the narcissist magnifies and amplifies your own grandiosity. You begin to feel that what is happening between you and the narcissist is something very special, unique, unprecedented, amazing.
68. 24:23 You begin to feel as if you had become a character in the narcissist story narrative and shared fantasy. And you don’t resent this. On the contrary, you feel as if you have been introduced into an amazing world, a world which is far preferable to reality. And gradually
69. 24:49 the narcissist removes you from the world itself, seals you in, imm you in the shared fantasy. And within the shared fantasy, everything the narcissist says suddenly appears to be true, honest, real, and correct and accurate. You have lost your
70. 25:13 reality testing. You are incapable of telling apart true and false, fact and counterfact. You have become basically brainwashed into an alternative virtual reality. The reality of the narcissist where you do not exist except as an internal object
71. 25:40 with whom or with which the narcissist feels completely comfortable to be honest because basically he’s talking to himself.