Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. Exorcise Narcissist in Your Mind (EXCERPT Lecture in University of Applied Sciences, Elbląg, Poland)

1. 00:00 right now. Okay. This is what the narcissist does to you from narcissistic abuse through idealization to devaluation
2. 00:12 within a shared fantasy. The impacts on you as a victim are
3. 00:18 enormous. enormous impacts, catastrophic impacts,
4. 00:24 devastating mentally, especially mentally and psychologically, but also definitely physically.
5. 00:30 The outcomes and the adverse consequences of being in a relationship with a narcissist
6. 00:37 are impossible to exaggerate. Dozens of symptoms,
7. 00:43 dozens of dysfunctions and disruptions and deficiencies, and it’s really, really bad. It’s a really bad situation and you need to recover. You need to
8. 00:54 heal. And this is the topic of the rest of the lecture.
9. 01:00 Can you recover and how to recover and to heal from this um from this horrible
10. 01:08 experience? So
11. 01:14 the first thing to the first thing to realize is that you have been betrayed. The shared fantasy is a series of
12. 01:25 proclamations, a series of announcements, a series of uh commitments, verbalized commitments,
13. 01:31 explicit, a series and a contract. There’s been a contract there. And yet the narcissist abrogates, breaks his word and his promises
14. 01:42 and you feel betrayed. But you don’t only feel betrayed, you also grieve.
15. 01:49 You’re in a state of grief. Mourning. You’re mourning. In a minute, I’ll tell you what you’re mourning. But you’re in a state of what we call today prolonged grief.
16. 02:01 It’s a grief that doesn’t go away. It’s a kind of mourning and grieving that is with you all the time.
17. 02:09 Time passes, you’re still grieving. There are new people in your life, you’re still grieving.
18. 02:16 You talk to yourself, you say, “I shouldn’t grieve. It was a bad experience.” You’re still grieving. You
19. 02:22 go to a therapist after $20,000 and 200 sessions. You’re still grieving.
20. 02:28 The grief is with you. And the grief is with you because in the
21. 02:34 aftermath of narcissistic abuse there is prolonged complex grief. You’re grieving
22. 02:40 not only one thing, you’re grieving multiple things simultaneously.
23. 02:46 First of all, you remember that the narcissist has converted you into a mother figure, into a maternal figure. So by implication,
24. 02:57 the narcissist became your child. So you’re grieving the loss of this
25. 03:03 child. You’re grieving as a mother in the aftermath of narcissistic abuse and the shared fantasy. You are grieving the breakup. You’re grieving the dissolution
26. 03:15 of the bond. You are grieving the having been dumped and discarded. As a mother,
27. 03:21 a mother who has lost her child. There’s no grief worse than this. And yet this
28. 03:27 is what you’re experiencing. But that’s only one thing. You remember the dual mothership principle. You have been you have become the narcissist’s mother. The
29. 03:38 narcissist has become your mother. You have been mothering each other. Dual
30. 03:45 mothership. So you have lost not only your child, you have lost your mother.
31. 03:52 A mother who has loved you within the shared fantasy unconditionally, who has always been there for you,
32. 03:58 overprotective and safe and secure and accepting and affectionate and compassionate and empathic. You’ve lost
33. 04:04 her. So now you’re grieving along two trajectories. You’re grieving your child and you’re grieving your mother. But you’re also, of course, grieving the
34. 04:16 relationship as it was. You tend to remember the good moments. This is a well doumented
35. 04:24 phenomenon in psychology. We tend to remember the good times. Uh retroactive or retrospective rosy
36. 04:32 tinted glasses. And you also grieve what could have been
37. 04:40 the potential of the relationship. your how you imagined the relationship, the development of a relationship, the
38. 04:46 fantasy you had you’ve had about the relationship. You are grieving the fantasy. Of course, you are grieving the losses. You’re grieving the potential. You are grieving your lost identity because you no longer know who you are.
39. 04:58 Yeah. You are grieving um the loss of innocence, the inability to trust. You
40. 05:04 are grieving the loss of your lover, of a lover.
41. 05:10 There are so many layers of grief that I tend to call the
42. 05:16 whole process archaeological grief. It’s like engaging in archaeology. Layer
43. 05:23 after layer after layer after layer and of course you can’t recover.
44. 05:29 You can’t recover from so many types of grief which afflict you simultaneously.
45. 05:35 Grief is a major problem in the aftermath and treatment of victims of narcissistic abuse along with the
46. 05:43 betrayal. The third major problem is the narcissist introject.
47. 05:50 The narcissist uses a technique that had been has been first discovered 12 years
48. 05:56 ago. 12 years ago there was a series of studies in neuroscience.
49. 06:02 They measured the brain waves of a rock band. Rock bands. So they measured the
50. 06:08 brain waves of the drummer and the basist and the singer and all of them. All of them were connected to EEG
51. 06:14 machines and they measured and recorded their brain waves while they were playing as a
52. 06:21 band. They were playing some kind of song or something as a band. And that gave rise to an amazing shocking discovery.
53. 06:32 The brains of all the members of the rock band synchronized
54. 06:38 100%. All the brain waves of all the participants in the concert
55. 06:46 were the same. The the researchers, the
56. 06:52 experimentalists, the scientists could not tell the difference. Whose brain was it? Because all the waves became one. The members of the rock band became a
57. 07:04 single brain, one brain. And this is known as entrainment. The
58. 07:11 clinical term for this is entrainment. Initially the belief was that
59. 07:17 entrainment happens only in music. But today we know that this is not true.
60. 07:25 Entrainment is a brain reaction. It’s neuroscience. It’s not a conspiracy theory and it’s not a crazy theory of mine. That’s neuroscience. Now, we know
61. 07:37 that brain waves synchronize when there is exposure to repetitive
62. 07:44 structured sound, any sound including language. And now we are beginning to
63. 07:51 understand the use of mantra, mantras in the east. The use of mantras
64. 07:59 in meditation. Any sound that is structured and repeats itself synchronizes the brain waves of everyone who is exposed to the sound.
65. 08:12 Why am I giving you this long lecture about neuroscience? Because that’s exactly what the narcissist does. The
66. 08:18 narcissist entrains you and trains the victim. The narcissist uses repetitive
67. 08:26 phrases. Some of them abusive, some of them not, but repetitive time and again,
68. 08:32 time and again, time and again. It’s almost hypnosis, almost hypnotic and
69. 08:38 synchronizes his brain waves with your brain waves as a victim. He entrains
70. 08:44 you. He uses entrainment. Verbal abuse and trains actually.
71. 08:52 And then the narcissist whose brain waves are now identical to your brain waves gains access to your brain, gains access to your mind, of course.
72. 09:04 And what the narcissist does, I’m going to use a metaphor. He installs an app.
73. 09:11 Think of your brain as a smartphone, iPhone 16. So the narcissist comes into
74. 09:18 your iPhone and installs an app, an application,
75. 09:24 and this app is the introject of the narcissist. The narcissist exposes you to
76. 09:31 entrainment through which he installs in your mind an extension of himself. He
77. 09:37 invades your mind like a parasite and he lives there a Trojan horse, an
78. 09:44 introject. The problem with this is that the introject of the narcissist is usually
79. 09:51 negative. It’s an introject that wants to destroy you, to kill you, to take you down. It’s
80. 09:57 a hostile intro and it tends to collaborate with other introjects in
81. 10:03 your mind that have the same message and the same propensity and predelection. So
82. 10:09 for example, if you have in your mind an introject of your mother who keeps telling you that you are a you’re stupid, you’re ugly, you’re a loser,
83. 10:22 you’re unlovable. That’s your mother, your mother introject. The narcissist introject will collaborate with your
84. 10:29 mother introject and this will amplify the internally negative message. The negative messaging will amplify what stretchy in the 30s
85. 10:40 called the primitive super ego the internalized bed object to use klein. So the narcissist invades your mind through entrainment, installs an
86. 10:52 application, the introject, and that application creates a coalition or a
87. 10:58 cluster of other in negative introjects in order to attack you from the inside.
88. 11:06 That’s the third major problem. Now,
89. 11:13 is it hopeless? No. Actually the prognosis for victims of narcissistic abuse is excellent. It’s very good. But there are some conditions you need
90. 11:26 to do some things. Some of the things you need to do a homework. You need to do them alone by yourself long before
91. 11:33 you go to therapy. Some of things you can do only with help preferably professional help. If you cannot afford professional help than a good friend or your or your grandmother, you need to seek other people’s help.
92. 11:50 Professional structured help is of course the best. In other words, therapy.
93. 11:57 So now I will go into the healing and recovery process. Bear in mind everything I told you. The grief, the
94. 12:04 betrayal, and the Trojan horse the narcissist introject in your mind that
95. 12:10 is sabotaging you, attacking you, undermining you from the inside
96. 12:16 relentlessly, callously, hatefully, cruy. It’s an enemy.
97. 12:23 So, the first thing I would like to describe is an overall framework and that is what I call the nine-fold path
98. 12:31 to healing. It has nine elements not surprisingly
99. 12:39 and these elements are divided to three groups. The first group has to do with the body.
100. 12:46 Second group has to do with the mind and the third group has to do with functioning.
101. 12:52 Start with the body. It is a common mistake to neglect the body.
102. 12:58 Vessel Vander Kulk who is a major trauma expert wrote a brilliant book which I
103. 13:04 strongly recommend. The body keeps the score. Your trauma is stored in your
104. 13:11 body. That’s the container of your trauma. That’s the container of your bad experiences. That’s a repository of the
105. 13:18 horror you’ve gone through as a victim. And your body acts out. You are somatizing your memories. You’re somatizing your fears. Everything becomes somatic. You
106. 13:29 need to pay attention to your body. You need to take care of it. So the first three elements have to do with the body.
107. 13:36 Actually forget for a minute about your mind. Forget your mind for a minute. Its turn will come. Start with your body. Pay attention to it, regulate it and
108. 13:48 protect it. Normally eat well and healthy, exercise,
109. 13:54 all this. But to divide the behaviors is pay attention, be alert, notice what’s
110. 14:01 happening, regulate your body and protect it. Now, having done this for a while, you can transition to your mind.
111. 14:09 And when it comes to your mind, be authentic. When I say be authentic, identify the voice in your mind. We all have an internal dialogue. Well, 95% of us, 5%
112. 14:23 do not have an internal dialogue, by the way. Okay? But most of us have an internal dialogue. Listen to this
113. 14:29 dialogue. Listen. There are voices in your mind and they’re speaking to you. No, it doesn’t mean you’re psychotic.
114. 14:36 Everyone has it. These are introjects. It’s your mother’s voice, your father’s voice, a teacher’s voice, someone from
115. 14:42 the mass media. Voices are talking to you all the time. Listen to these voices.
116. 14:48 Learn to identify which of these voices is you and which of these voices is not
117. 14:55 you. And I will help you how to identify. I will give you a rule of thumb. If the voices are negative, if
118. 15:03 they’re harshly critical, if you want they want to take you down, they are not your voices.
119. 15:09 Your voices, your authentic voice is friendly. Your authentic voice loves you. Your authentic voice has your best interest in mind, your well-being, your
120. 15:20 welfare. Learn to identify this voice. Delete, ignore, repress, bury, shut up
121. 15:27 all the other voices. Be authentic. Next thing, be positive.
122. 15:34 Deceive yourself. Tell yourself every morning positive things. Read positive lists time and again, morning, afternoon, evening, all the time. Surround yourself with positivity.
123. 15:47 Yes, I’m saying deceive yourself. Tell yourself things that you don’t believe in, but they’re positive. Tell yourself
124. 15:54 things, convince yourself of things that you know for absolute with absolute certainty will never happen. Still poison yourself with positivity. It
125. 16:05 works. And the last thing with the with the mind is mindfulness.
126. 16:12 Ground yourself in the present. Try to forget about the past or not to
127. 16:18 consider the past and try not to plan for the future for a while. For a while while you’re healing, while you’re recovering, be grounded. Think only about the present.
128. 16:31 Nothing you can do about the past. And if you’re too future oriented, then
129. 16:37 you’re going to neglect yourself in the present and this future will never come. So pay attention to yourself in the
130. 16:43 present. Three elements of the mind are authenticity, positivity and mindfulness. And finally the three element, the three functional element. You need to be a vigilant observer.
131. 16:56 Vigilant observer. Remember the narcissist destroyed your ability to
132. 17:02 gauge and evaluate reality properly. The narcissist destroyed, impaired.
133. 17:09 Your reality testing is damaged. You can’t perceive reality correctly. So
134. 17:15 observe like a scientist. Collect evidence. Create theories. Observe all
135. 17:21 the time. Be vigilant. Don’t trust yourself. Ask yourself questions. Challenge
136. 17:27 yourself. Doubt yourself. And support all of this with evidence. Become evidence-based. The second element shielding sensor.
137. 17:38 Don’t let anyone, everyone and everything penetrate your mind. Shield
138. 17:44 yourself. Isolate yourself. Create a firewall. Become selective.
139. 17:51 And the last thing is a reality sentinel. Judge everything by reality. Make reality your organizing principle. Now, if you want to learn a lot more
140. 18:03 about the nine-fold path to healing, which is a general system, it’s not
141. 18:10 limited to victims of narcissistic abuse. Yes. Then you can go to my YouTube channel and uh on the YouTube
142. 18:18 channel you will find a video titled the ninefold path to healing.
143. 18:28 You need to accept that you will go through stages in your grief. These
144. 18:35 stages have been first described by the Swiss Swiss American psychologist
145. 18:42 Elizabeth Kubler Ross. There stages of grief, the Kubler Ross cycle and later
146. 18:49 on augmented by uh Kenneth Docker. So there are stages of grief and you need
147. 18:55 to accept and understand that you will go through your these stages. There’s nothing you can do about
148. 19:01 it and that you will revisit many of these stages multiple times. You will
149. 19:07 regress you go back and go forward and go back again. As you process your
150. 19:13 grief, as you integrate your grief, as you come to terms with what has happened to you,
151. 19:19 you will need to go through these phases and you need to know the phases. Denial,
152. 19:25 you’re going to deny things. You’re going to bury them. You’re going to insist that things are not true. Denial,
153. 19:32 anger, you’re going to be furious not only at the narcissist, but at yourself
154. 19:38 for good reasons. So, you need to go through this anger. You need to experience it. You need to justify it.
155. 19:44 You need to adopt it as yours. You need to own your anger. Bargaining with yourself. Maybe if I do
156. 19:51 this, maybe if I did this, I could have done I could have acted differently. Maybe if I only do this, everything will
157. 19:57 be okay. This is the bargaining phase. You’re bargaining with yourself with reality. You don’t realize there’s no
158. 20:04 way to bargain yourself out of this, but you’re still bargaining. Depression.
159. 20:10 Allow yourself to be sad. Allow yourself to to mourn and grief. Allow yourself to be depressed.
160. 20:17 It’s depression is sometimes healthy. I always say that in psychology
161. 20:23 there are there’s no good, good and bad. There’s no right and wrong. Depression when you ask someone, what do you think about depression? Is depression bad? Yeah, depression is bad. That’s not
162. 20:34 true. That’s not true. In certain situations, depression is good for you. In certain situations, depression is a sign of mental health because you need to be depressed.
163. 20:45 If you’re in prison, you need to be depressed. If you’re very happy and cheerful and joyful in prison,
164. 20:51 something’s wrong with you. So, allow yourself to be depressed. Don’t panic.
165. 20:57 Depression means that you’re processing things. And finally, learn to accept.
166. 21:03 Learn to accept that bad things happen to good people. Learn to accept your responsibility.
167. 21:09 Learn to accept that there are some imitations of human beings,
168. 21:17 some things, some entities that look like human beings, the narcissist, the psychopaths, but are not fully human and that you have very little in common
169. 21:28 with them and definitely you cannot understand them or make sense of them.
170. 21:35 realize that there are some people who lack the basic machinery of being human.
171. 21:42 They have no empathy, no access to positive emotions, no attachment and bonding.
172. 21:48 They’re human externally, but they’re not very human internally. You have come across an extraterrestrial
173. 21:54 into across an alien life form across an artificial intelligence in corporeal in
174. 22:01 a corporeal disguise and accept it. Accept that things
175. 22:07 happen. You know, acceptance is difficult because it undermines your sense of
176. 22:13 justice. You say, “What happened to me was unjust. I didn’t deserve this.” Yes,
177. 22:19 but this is a major principle of life. There’s not just desserts. We need to
178. 22:26 accept ultimately life itself. And finally,
179. 22:32 always remain hopeful. Remain hopeful because this is reality. It’s a fact. It’s not counterfactual. It’s factual. There is hope for you. The prognosis is
180. 22:43 pretty good. So, become your own mother. Become your own parent.
181. 22:49 Love yourself the way a parent does. See yourself if necessary. Frustrate
182. 22:56 yourself from time to time. Be your own secure base. Feel comfortable and safe with yourself. Parenting yourself is very crucial on
183. 23:09 the way to on the way to healing. Self love is probably something you have
184. 23:16 never really experienced. Otherwise, you would not have fallen for
185. 23:22 the narcissist. The narcissist was offering you fake self love. Fake love,
186. 23:29 but also fake self-love. Narcissist allowed you to love your idealized image. But your idealized image was never you. You need to learn to love yourself. You
187. 23:42 have what Ross Rosenberg calls self-love deficit. You need to learn how to do this. It’s you. It can be learned. It’s
188. 23:49 a learning thing. It’s a learning experience. And there’s a learning curve. You need to become aware of
189. 23:57 yourself. You need to accept yourself. You need to trust yourself. And you need to be self-efficacious.
190. 24:04 You need to believe that you can accomplish beneficial outcomes and avoid adverse consequences.
191. 24:12 And so on my YouTube channel there is u there are two playlists. One
192. 24:19 is titled narcissistic abuse healing and one is titled life’s wisdom. And you’ll
193. 24:25 find a lot more about self-love functional real self- loveve not the fake version on on these um
194. 24:34 uh playlists. Now, before you go to therapy, there are several things you need to do. And therapy is recommended.
195. 24:42 Even if you’ve been exposed to a narcissist for a few hours or days,
196. 24:49 in my opinion, you need therapy. There have been studies in Harvard
197. 24:55 University and other places which have demonstrated that when you’re
198. 25:01 exposed to a narcissist for 30 seconds, you heard me correctly, 30 seconds,
199. 25:09 you already begin to develop acute discomfort. This is known as the Anani Valley reaction.
200. 25:16 In studies conducted with multiple in multiple um universities, it was found
201. 25:23 that you are able to diagnose someone with narcissistic personality disorder
202. 25:30 accurately 85% of the time by looking at their photograph, by reading an email or by watching a 30- secondond video. With this input, with this information,
203. 25:48 you can diagnose correctly someone with narcissistic personality disorder 85% of the time. Imagine the impact on you if you cohabit with a
204. 26:00 narcissist, live with a narcissist, get married to a narcissist, bear children to a narcissist, work with a narcissist,
205. 26:08 become friends with a narcissist for years. For years. Not for 30 seconds,
206. 26:14 for 30 months or even 30 years. Imagine what it does to your mind. You need
207. 26:20 help. Don’t be grandiose. Do not be grandiose. You can’t manage it by yourself. But before you attend therapy, before you seek help, there are some things you
208. 26:32 should do. There’s homework to be done. First of all, stop thinking of yourself
209. 26:38 as a victim. Do not allow victimhood to become who you are. Do not develop a
210. 26:44 victimhood mentality, victimhood stance and victimhood identity. Don’t compete for victimhood.
211. 26:51 Don’t render victimhood your new profession. Do not link your victimhood to any
212. 26:57 benefits, monetary or otherwise. Get rid of victimhood in your life. Accept
213. 27:03 ownership of what has happened to you. You did contribute to your predicament.
214. 27:09 You were responsible. You made some stupid decisions and choices. Self-destructive, self-defeating. Accept
215. 27:16 responsibility for it. Own it. Silence the voices inside you which are
216. 27:22 not you. As we discussed before, reverse your infantilism because the narcissist
217. 27:29 regressed you, infantilizes you, made you a baby. Stop being a baby. Stop
218. 27:36 being needy. Don’t be clinging. Don’t be dependent. Don’t get rid of your learned
219. 27:42 helplessness. Separate from the narcissist in your mind. Become again an individual and
220. 27:50 embody all this in your body. Make your body an agent of self-control,
221. 27:56 self-discipline, accomplishments. Use your body to feel much better about
222. 28:02 yourself. Then regain all the functions you have lost because you have
223. 28:08 outsourced them to the narcissist in your life. Regain them, reacquire them.
224. 28:14 Self-mothering, self-saving, agency, self-efficacy, affirmation,
225. 28:21 authenticity, mindfulness, personhood, autonomy, independence, and so on. How
226. 28:29 would you know if you are recovered? How do you know? How would you know if you are healed? I’m going to read to you the
227. 28:36 signs. So, you go through a process. You do you do your homework. Then you attend
228. 28:42 therapy. At some point, you need to ask yourself, have I have I arrived? Am I cured? Am I healed? Did I recover from all this? And you need to know the
229. 28:54 signs of healing and recovery, which I’m going to read to you. So first of all,
230. 29:02 there are no voices in your head that attack you and criticize you harshly,
231. 29:08 that hate on you, that push pull you down, want to take you down. No enemy
232. 29:14 voices in your head. No disparaging introjects. Number two, you feel good with yourself.
233. 29:22 You feel comfortable with yourself. You have ego syony. You are not egoistoness. You don’t have ego destiny. You feel good with who you are. You feel good in your skin and
234. 29:33 you’re able to make decisions because you trust yourself. Next, your ability to trust other people is restored. You are able to trust other people. You
235. 29:45 are able to venture out to try things, to date again, to experiment. You’re not afraid anymore. You’re not phobic. You don’t doubt your judgment. You trust
236. 29:56 it. There is a sense that you’re evaluating and gauging reality
237. 30:02 appropriately. In other words, that your reality testing had been restored. There are no cognitive distortions and no
238. 30:09 cognitive dissonance. There’s a sense of agency and self-efficacy. You set goals
239. 30:15 and you accomplish the goals. Gradually, you begin to trust yourself to secure positive outcomes, beneficial outcomes from the environment, to act on the
240. 30:26 environment. and in the environment in a way which would have benign consequences and avoid adverse consequences. You begin to trust yourself to do this. This is known as self-efficacy.
241. 30:39 Your your motivation is autonomous. It’s coming from the inside. Not it’s not a
242. 30:45 response to what other people expect of you, including your therapist, but it’s coming from the inside. It’s autonomous
243. 30:51 motivation. You do not catastrophize anymore. You don’t anticipate the worst.
244. 30:57 You’re not hopeless. You don’t believe in imminent doom and gloom. You’re much more optimistic. There’s no anticipatory anxiety. You don’t anticipate things with anxiety.
245. 31:09 You don’t imagine things all kinds of scenarios and then react with anxiety. These are all signs of healing. I’m
246. 31:15 reminding you these are the signs that you have healed, that you’ve recovered. You’re ready to move on.
247. 31:22 There’s no addictive cravings. Addiction to anything, addiction to alcohol, to
248. 31:28 drugs, addiction to other people, addiction to shopping, addiction to
249. 31:34 gambling. Any addictive cravings are an indication that you are far from healing. And similarly, you’re not nostalgic. You don’t have sentimental nostalgia. You don’t regard the past, your relationship with the narcissist, the
250. 31:50 shared fantasy. what you’ve had together as maybe it was not that bad. Maybe actually there were some good times and some good aspects and so on. Don’t you’re not kidding yourself anymore.
251. 32:02 You’re not selfdeceiving and there’s no separation in security. You’re not afraid of being abandoned. You cherish
252. 32:09 your alowneness. You can stand on your own two feet. You don’t need people to regulate your moods, to stabilize your emotions, to tell you what to do, to confirm to you
253. 32:21 that something is real or not. You you got rid of your dependency on other people and consequently you have no
254. 32:28 abandonment anxiety. You don’t seek the same type of partner
255. 32:34 when you finally date or when you finally befriend someone, become a friend of someone or when you um create
256. 32:42 a relationship with a coworker and so on, you are not typ casting. You’re not seeking for another version of the
257. 32:49 narcissist. Many victim will tell you, victims will tell you that they keep selecting the
258. 32:55 same type. The mate selection, their mate selection is compromised because they’re selecting by type. And of course, they keep selecting narcissist one, narcissist 2, narcissist 3, and
259. 33:07 narcissist 15 because they’re selecting the same type of person. If you discover that you are dating or you’re befriending someone, it’s not the same type. It’s the exact opposite of the narcissist. It’s a sign that you’re
260. 33:18 healing. you and and those of you who want to learn a little clinical psychology, we
261. 33:25 say that you are transitioning from narcissistic to anaclitic analytic mate selection.
262. 33:33 Next thing, when you meet someone, your good friend, a potential date, you know,
263. 33:41 when you meet other people, you don’t immediately have maternal or parental impulses.
264. 33:47 He don’t immediately want to nurture them, please them, protect them, help them, rescue them, save them.
265. 33:56 All these impulses indicate that you have not healed. You fell in the trap of the narcissist
266. 34:03 because you are mother material, because you are savior. You have a savior rescuer complex. because you believe in the power of love
267. 34:14 to change other people because you’re prone to merge with other people to fuse with them to create a symbiosis. These are all psychopathologies. They’re
268. 34:25 not healthy. If you meet other people and you’re still reacting as a mother would, as a
269. 34:31 father would, something’s wrong with you. Go back. Go back to square one. You have not healed. You’re not cured.
270. 34:38 you’re in danger of falling again for a narcissist in a shared fantasy.
271. 34:44 When you use language, you’re not using us, you’re using
272. 34:51 uh me. When you are using plural gender
273. 34:58 pronouns, plural accusative, usually it’s indicative of merger or
274. 35:05 fusion. You’re not in a cult. You are not operating on behalf of the
275. 35:11 narcissist, on behalf of your partner, on be you’re not responsible for anyone’s happiness, no one’s happiness except maybe very
276. 35:22 small children, your children. Otherwise, you’re not responsible for the happiness of any adult. You’re not
277. 35:29 responsible for the well-being or welfare of any adult. And you’re never ever responsible for the informed
278. 35:36 decisions of adults. Someone wants to commit suicide, you’re not responsible for this. Someone wants to go on a herb brain scheme in a manic phase of bipolar disorder, you’re not responsible for for what he’s
279. 35:52 doing or what she’s doing. You’re not responsible. You are responsible for your choices,
280. 35:58 for your decisions, for your actions and you are responsible for the small children that you brought to the world
281. 36:05 if you’re a mother. Otherwise, you’re not responsible. If you’re beginning to use language like us versus them, you’re
282. 36:13 in a cult. If you’re beginning to use language like it’s good for us, you are not healed. You are not cured. you still feel responsible for the mind
283. 36:25 and the choices and the decisions and the actions and the happiness and the welfare and the well-being of other people. That’s not the way it should be.
284. 36:33 If you are still attempting to read the minds of other people, you know, to
285. 36:39 anticipate what they want, you are not healed. No mind readading.
286. 36:46 You’re not responsible to read the minds of other people, anticipate them and and cater cater to their expectations.
287. 36:54 You’re not you’re not self-sacrificial. If you’re healed, if you’re cured, we are talking
288. 37:00 about signs of healing, signs of having been cured. Yeah. Then you no longer are
289. 37:06 self-sacrificial. You do not sacrifice your well-being, your interests, your
290. 37:12 welfare, your goals. You do not sacrifice them for someone else ever. Never. Self-sacrifice is
291. 37:22 always unhealthy. Period. And don’t let your mother tell you otherwise.
292. 37:28 So if you are no longer self-sacrificial, that’s an excellent sign. You do not you you can compromise.
293. 37:36 Of course, life is a compromise. But if the compromise involves sacrifice, do not compromise. Be rigid, inflexible. And do not please people. People
294. 37:48 pleasing is a sign that you’re not healed, that you are still to some extent codependent. Do not act on
295. 37:56 impulses and do not let yourself be emotionally blackmailed. I did so much
296. 38:02 for you. You owe me. You owe nothing to no one except, as I said, to your small
297. 38:08 children. Do not be impulsive.
298. 38:14 impulse, anger, rage, hatred, envy,
299. 38:20 fear. These are bad advisers. Do not listen to them. All of them exist.
300. 38:28 All of them erupt in the aftermath of narcissistic abuse. Ignore all of them.
301. 38:34 They are not your friends. Do not be an infant. Do not be infantile, immature, purile, adolescent. Give up all this, all these defenses, all these behaviors, all these mindsets. Forget all this. The minute you catch
302. 38:51 yourself in with an age inappropriate behavior, age inappropriate thought, age
303. 38:58 inappropriate emotion, become aware and give it up. Delete.
304. 39:04 You’re not an infant. You’re an adult. grow up or grow up again having been
305. 39:12 regressed by the narcissist. Do not idealize yourself. That’s what the narcissist did to you. You’re not ideal. You’re not perfect. You’re flawed. You
306. 39:23 make many mistakes. Sometimes you’re stupid. You’re not maybe gorgeous. You’re not
307. 39:30 ideal and you’re not perfect. It is your imperfection that renders you human and
308. 39:36 even attractive sometimes. So give up on your idealized image to which you’ve
309. 39:42 been addicted in the shed fantasy. Do not self idealize and of course do not self-devalue. Regain reality testing. Regard yourself
310. 39:54 realistically develop introspection and self-awareness. But introspection and self-awareness
311. 40:01 doesn’t mean that you are you idealize yourself. doesn’t mean that you see only the positive aspects of yourself.
312. 40:07 Introspection and self-awareness means you see your limitations and your weaknesses and your vulnerabilities and
313. 40:13 your mistakes and how wrong you are sometimes and how cruel you are sometimes
314. 40:19 and how immoral you are sometimes. But you also see how talented you are, how beautiful you are, how skilled you are.
315. 40:25 You see both the negative and the positive, the yin and the yang. That’s a sign of healing.
316. 40:33 Restore your functioning. Force yourself to socialize. Go back to your workplace.
317. 40:39 Find a job. Interact with your parents. Never mind how problematic they are.
318. 40:45 Develop new friendships. Regain old ones. Work hard on your empathy. When people are traumatized, they’re not empathic. They lose their empathy. Do not allow yourself to become a version
319. 40:57 of the narcissist. Do not become an abuser. do not identify with the aggressor as ferency called it. That’s
320. 41:05 not a sign of healing. It’s a sign of internalizing the pathology.
321. 41:12 Do not emote by proxy. Allow yourself to feel and experience
322. 41:18 your emotions. Don’t delegate your emotions. Don’t don’t say I never cry except when I
323. 41:26 watch mo a movie. Allow yourself to cry because what you have gone through, what
324. 41:32 you’ve been through is horrible and you should be sad and depressed and you should mourn and grief. Do not suppress your emotions. Do not think your emotions are illegitimate,
325. 41:44 impolite, univil, wrong. Legitimize your emotions
326. 41:50 and trust. Try to overcome your aversion to
327. 41:56 trusting people. because you have been betrayed. You have been abused. You’ve been hurt.
328. 42:03 You’re hurting. And of course, you placed your trust in the narcissist and
329. 42:09 he betrayed you. So, you generalize the lesson. Now, I can’t trust anyone. It’s the wrong lesson.
330. 42:16 Trust people get burned. Absolutely. Get hurt again. Experience losses. Losses
331. 42:25 and pain are the engines of personal growth and personal development. Don’t give up on them. Adopt them. Embrace them. And don’t dread intimacy. Not all
332. 42:37 intimacy comes at a price. Try intimacy. Try trusting people. Try
333. 42:44 dating. Try befriending people. Try it all again. Fully expect to be burned again. This is life. This is life. We learn from losses.
334. 42:55 Gains are not very important in life. There’s very little you learn from being right or being successful. There’s a lot
335. 43:01 you learn, from having failed and having been hurt. So allow yourself to do this
336. 43:09 and as I said, get rid of the victimhood stance and assume responsibility for everything. If you have all these signs,
337. 43:20 you’re healed. You’re cured. You’re safe to move on. You’re safe to go ahead to
338. 43:26 the next phase of your life. What has happened to you did not define you. Did
339. 43:32 not characterize you. It’s not who you are. What has happened to you is not who you who you are. You have been
340. 43:38 victimized. You are does that doesn’t make you a perpetual victim. that you have been
341. 43:45 victimized doesn’t mean you should adopt victimhood as an identity and a mantle.
342. 43:51 That you have been betrayed doesn’t mean you will always be betrayed. That you trusted the wrong person doesn’t mean
343. 43:57 that you should doubt your capacity to trust or your gauge of reality. You need
344. 44:03 to put yourself out there. You need to exit your comfort zone. You need to fail. You need to get hurt. You need to lose. And you need to discover throughout all
345. 44:15 this that losses and failures are statistical.
346. 44:21 They don’t happen 100% of the time. And when they do not happen, life is basically pretty good. Thank you for listening.