Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. Narcissist’s Missing Kali Mother

1. 00:02 We all, no exception, have a complicated relationship with our mothers way more than with our fathers. Mothers are perceived instinctively, intuitively, primordially as protective, loving, compassionate, and caring. Initially they represent the
2. 00:28 world in a symbiotic phase. The child is one with mother. Then so she is also perceived as devouring, possessive and controlling. She models the feminine gender role and later on becomes a sexual object, a forbidden one. Mother is in the realm of
3. 00:52 laws and regulations, that which is not allowed, that which is desired.
4. 01:02 Mother is always there deep inside one’s mind. Her voice, her norms and conventions and expectations and edicts, they permeate every facet of existence. We are accompanied by mother to the grave. Sometimes it’s a welcome companion. Often times it’s an internal threat.
5. 01:30 And this ambivalence, this hate love relationship, this complex interplay between approach and avoidance characterize all relationships with maternal figures. in most cases the biological mother. We can see this in primitive religions in the infancy of mankind when mankind
6. 01:58 as a whole were essentially infants or toddlers and how they related to maternal deities, divinities which represented mothers and none more so than Khali. The divine mother is worshiped as 10 cosmic personalities. The dasa mahavidya. The mahavidyas are considered tantric in
7. 02:30 nature. They are usually identified as 10 10 divinities. The number one is khali. She is the ultimate form of brahman. She is the devourer of time and her devouring nature is a fundamental pillar of who she is. She consumes, she digests.
8. 02:56 This black goddess appears for the first time in the devi mahatmir or duga spatasi and the devotion to her. The devotion to this goddess of Khali is great because Khali is the goddess that expresses the archetype of the great mother. And so we need to examine and study Khali
9. 03:28 in order to decode or decipher the inter relationship between the global mind of mankind at that time, still in its infancy, still evolving. and how they projected an image of motherhood onto an alleged goddess.
10. 03:54 Khali is terrible to behold. Her figure is horrific. She symbolizes unbridled power, strength, and she can be mispersceived as sadistic and cruel. oblivious to her whereabouts. She steps on the chest of her husband in one of the stories. She is centered upon focused on her battles
11. 04:29 and she battles basically everyone, demons, other gods and yet she casts herself as the goddess of good versus evil. It’s a morality play. Her her demonstration of divine power is intended to write wrongs, to restore balance, and basically to give
12. 04:54 birth to new worlds which are more symmetrical in homeostasis, in equilibrium, worlds which are better with time. She is the great improver and it is from her proverbial womb that worlds are born and yet they’re born only after she has destroyed she
13. 05:20 had destroyed previous worlds. She is the goddess of destruction and creation. Destruction and creation. This permanent dance or one could say dance macabo between death and disruption and birth or rebirth and emergence coming into being existence. It’s a
14. 05:44 great metaphor for childhood. This is precisely what happens in childhood. The mother is compelled to destroy the child in a benevolent way so as to give rise to the new child. The primordial primitive child, the infant is merged with the mother, is
15. 06:09 fused with her, is in a symbiotic state. She needs to push this child away. She needs to kill it. In effect, she needs to cut off this child, the umbilical cord, the secondary umbilical cord, this time psychological, mental. She needs to disengage. She needs to
16. 06:30 break this metaphoric womb. She needs to throw the child out, expel the child from this paradise, forcing the child to separate and to become an individual in a process known as separation individuation. So it is a mother who is cruel, who is destructive,
17. 06:54 a mother who is punitive in the in the child’s eyes, a mother who pushes away, a mother who encourages separation, a mother who forces the child to die in one form and be reborn in another, a whole universe, a new individual divided. And it is a demonstration of divine
18. 07:18 power because the mother is perceived by the child as a divinity, as a deity. She is perfect. She is infallible. She’s all good. The child splits the mother. There’s a splitting defense mechanism. She’s infantile, primitive defense mechanism. And he renders the mother all good.
19. 07:40 And so she is a god. And as a god with unmitigated power, she reaches onto the child. And a good mother does not devour the child, does not possess the child, does not emotionally blackmail the ch the child to stay. A good mother pushes the child away. She severs severs the bond.
20. 08:05 She forces the child out into harsh reality in an unforgiving world. All in order for the child to become in order to allow the child to individuate become a person to acquire personhood and to evolve a self. It’s a very very heartbreaking and harrowing
21. 08:30 process both for child and for mother. And Khali represents this constant destruction and rebirth because she is the mother of everyone. She is the mother of the entire world and she has to go through countless cycles of destruction and rebirth. Khali is black
22. 08:55 not because she’s evil. Khali is black because this is a color where everything disappears. the dumb dumb the the color of the sky. It’s the color where all the light waves and frequencies are absorbed and it represents emptiness and nothingness
23. 09:15 from which or within which there are potentialities awaiting to become. She is naked with big breasts. She is a primordial goddess. Shiva uh describes Khali this way. It’s in one of the tantras, the Mahanana tantra. He describes her this way as white, yellow and other colors all
24. 09:45 disappear in black. In the same way, all beings enter Khali. Therefore, it is that by those who have attained the knowledge of the means of final liberation, the attributes attributeless, formless and beneficent kalakshakti is endowed with a color of blackness.
25. 10:08 As the eternal and inexhaustible one image of color and soul of beneficence is nectar itself. Therefore the sign of the moon is placed on her forehead as she surveys the entire universe which is a product of time with her three eyes. The moon, the sun and fire. Therefore
26. 10:29 she is endowed with three eyes as she devours all existence as she chews. All things chews like chewing. All things existing with her fierce teeth. Therefore, a mass of blood is imagined to be the apparel of the queen of the divas at the final dissolution. Queen of the divas.
27. 10:53 As time after time she protects all beings from danger, as she directs them in the path of duty, her hands are lifted up to dispel fear and grant blessings. As she encompasses the universe which is the product of rajoguna, she is spoken of as the devi
28. 11:11 who is seated on the red lotus gazing at kala drunk with intoxicating wine and playing with the universe. The devi also whose substance is intelligence witnessed all things. And that’s a great description of a mother enraptured with her child as a
29. 11:32 child evolves to separate from her to break her heart. But she needs she needs to enable the child to do that. She needs to push the child away. It’s a process of destruction of the bond, destruction of the ties, destruction of the illusion or the delusion of unitary unitarity of
30. 11:58 unitariness of being one. And the mother’s message is I am not one with you. We are not the same. We are not one entity. There’s you and there’s me. And this is a major trauma for the child. The realization that there is external and internal, that there is out there and in here,
31. 12:21 that there is mother and you and the child, that mother is not the child, that there is no fusion and merger, that it’s all illusory, and that reality is about separation um and externality. This this is shocking. This is the first major trauma in in life after birth.
32. 12:47 Khalima, also known as the divine mother, represents Khali in her role as mother nature. She is the mother who will do terrible things to protect those who cannot protect themselves, her children. Khali is the Hindu goddess of death but also of rebirth.
33. 13:08 This is her dual nature. Destruction must come before a new beginning. Separation must come before individuation. A break of the symbiotic bond. A dissolution of the unitary mother child entity must come before the child emerges further away from his mother or
34. 13:33 her mother as a separate entity with a life of its own capable of giving life to others. The strength of the female power is exactly this. The ability to expel the child from paradise, from heaven. The ability to force upon the child a life of toil and pain and self-actualization
35. 14:00 and self-realization. It is the mother’s role to introduce the child into the world. And if she refuses to do so because she is insecure or narcissistic or emotionally absent and neglectful or she parentifies the child and instrumentalizes the child,
36. 14:17 idolizes the child, whatever the case may be, she isolates the child from reality and peers. She is an abusive mother. She is not Khali. The man cannot do this. Khali the goddess is a representation of everything men cannot do, everything men are not.
37. 14:41 She’s also the goddess of time. Interestingly, Khali is a great mother. She revolves her essence is about creation, nurturing. She’s protective. She’s compassionate. But she is also the goddess of destruction. She’s also devouring. She could be possessive. Yet always
38. 15:05 always all the adventures of Khali end in a rebirth, a renaissance. And so Khali ultimately is what Winnot, the famous pediatrician and psychoanalyst called the good enough mother. The good enough mother. It doesn’t mean that the relationship with
39. 15:25 a good enough mother is obstacle-free, has no impediment and hiccups, problems later on down the road. The good enough mother is still a mother. The ambivalence is still there. The conflict is still there. The the inability to reconcile conflicting urges
40. 15:47 and drives still there. No one has a smooth relationship with mother because it is mother that affords one the first version of one’s reality. Khalen Hinduism is a goddess of time. It’s a the goddess of doomsday and death. She’s the black goddess feminine
41. 16:09 form of Sanskrit kala time doomsday death black. Um the econography of of Khaled, the cult, the mythology associate her with death. Uh not only death but all forms of chaos and disorder, violence and sexuality which was perceived as very disruptive.
42. 16:36 Only much later did we she came to acquire the attribute of motherly love. And it’s very telling that as mythologies evolved in time, as mythologies progressed, in this case from Tantri to Bengali, there was a transition from perceiving Khali as a threatening ominous presence,
43. 16:58 the presence of death and disruption and disorder and chaos and mayhem and tumult to an image of a mother with her love and protectiveness. This is exactly this is exactly what happens uh in the mind of a child. The the child transitions from initially
44. 17:22 uh perceiving the mother as holding back um as frustrating as abandoning in principle and so on. He then transitions into having a more mature, more nuance view of the mother as sometimes bad, sometimes good, but as always loving and compassionate and protective of the child.
45. 17:48 Khali protects and bestows freedom, liberation, moka. Her devotees benefit from this. They approach her with a attitude of a child towards his mother. The devotional songs and poems that extol the motherly nature of Kali are popular in Bengal to this very day. She
46. 18:11 is widely woripped there as a divine mother. But in hind Hindu tradition, Khali in legends in econography Hindu Khali uh is rarely pictured as a motherly figure. Because Hindu traditions precede Bengali traditions. Bengali devotions began in the 18th century. We see therefore an
47. 18:36 evolution of the way the child perceives the mother. It is illustrated in mythology. The mythology is the unconscious as the giants of psychology realized long ago. And so there is this fear. There is this sense of secure base and safety. There is a need to run away from the
48. 19:01 principle of death and from sexual attraction which is disruptive and possibly violent. And there’s a wish to approach and to merge and fuse with the mother. And it’s all it all creates a dissonant state. The relationship with mother is dissonant.
49. 19:22 It’s conflict prone. It’s problematic. It’s unsettling. It’s upsetting. Lifelong even in Bengali tradition. Um the appearance of Khali, the habits of Khali, her customs and so on haven’t changed much much from the Hindu tradition. It’s just there was an added
50. 19:45 veneer of her matern maternal side. The tantric approach to Khali is to display courage by confronting her on cremation grounds for example in the dead of the night. She has a terrible appearance but one needs to be brave and that is a tantric tantric approach.
51. 20:07 But the Bengali approach is completely different. The Bengali devotey or fan or worshipper adopts the attitude of a child. The Bengali comes to love Khali unconditionally and unreservedly. In both cases, the goal of the devotey is to become reconciled with death and
52. 20:29 to learn acceptance of the way that things are. A good mother does this with the child. She teaches the child the ways of the world and regulates the child’s emotions in reaction to these new discoveries. There was an author Ram Prasad and Ram
53. 20:49 Prasad wrote abundantly about Khali. You know today people fall in love with AI chatbots and um Ram Prasad fell in love with Khali and he comments in many songs that Khali is indifferent to him doesn’t care about his well-being causes him to suffer brings his worldly desires to
54. 21:12 nothing and his worldly goods to ruin. He states that she does not behave like a mother should. She ignores his pleas. He’s very frustrated. He sounds like a two-year-old. To be a child of Khali, Raasad um bemons, to be a child of Khali is to be denied of earthly delights and
55. 21:31 pleasures. Khali refrains from giving that which is expected. He insists it’s a grievance based poetry. He is a devotey and Khali’s refusal to indulge the devotey to cater to the devotees expectations and needs. This refusal um is cruel as far as Raasad is
56. 21:57 concerned. And yet this denial, this pushing away, this frustration enables her worshippers to reflect on dimensions of themselves and of reality that go beyond the material world and strengthen and empower and endow them endow endow the devotees with resilience.
57. 22:21 Khali is a good mother. Khali is a good mother and Amrasad does not realize this. He cherishes a mother which is essentially narcissistic and he rejects Khali because she frustrates him. But life is about frustrations and losses. These are the main engines of personal growth
58. 22:50 and development. We need to be frustrated. We need to lose things. We need to be denied. We need to experience deficiencies and lacks. We need to yearn. We need to crave. These are this is the fuel that drives us forward. This is this is the sustenance
59. 23:15 for the trajectory of our personal evolution. If we live in an environment where all our needs are met, all our wishes cater to and all expectations are realized and with instantly and then we never grow. We never mature. We remain to our last days narcissist.
60. 23:39 Khali is there to guarantee that this never happens.