Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. 3 Ways to Manipulate Codependent People-pleasers (Clip: Vaknin Narcissism Summaries YouTube Channel)

1. 00:03 And so this is the topic of today’s video. Three steps to manipulate a people pleaser. As evil a title as I could come up with. So here are the three steps to manipulating people pleasers. All you have to do is this. Number one, communicate your expectations
2. 00:24 either overtly, explicitly, and verbally or behaviorally with body language, micro expressions, and so on. Either way, make clear and make sure that the people pleaser has understood what is expected of him or her. Your expectations become the rule. Your
3. 00:46 expectations rule and so they must be gratified. They must be met and they must be actualized. Number two, communicate pleasure when your expectations are met. But don’t overdo it. Always leave place for more. Render the process inexurable, unattainable. Be pleased.
4. 01:08 Demonstrate that you’re happy and content and gratified, but do it in a way that s doubt in the people pleaser’s mind. whether he or she have done enough for you. Number three, communicate profound unmitigated disappointment, even heartbreak when the people pleaser
5. 01:36 fails to meet your expectations. Whenever there’s a gap between what you wanted what you have wanted the people pleaser to do and what the people pleaser opted to do at the at the end whenever there’s such a gap communicate to the people pleaser that you’re so so
6. 01:56 so devastated. You’re so sad. You’re so sorry. You’re so angry. You’re so heartbroken even that maybe, just maybe, you’re on the verge of abandoning the people pleaser and rejecting the whole relationship. Do it. Do these three things with a
7. 02:17 people pleaser and you will have found a lifelong servant, not to say slave, catering permanently to all your needs, selflessly, self-sacrificially and without complaint. That is the popular part. Now onto the
8. 02:43 psychonamics and psychology of people pleasers a little more in depth.
9. 02:55 Yes, I’m alive. I survived the Trump video. You didn’t get to me and I’m going to make more videos. My name is Salvakin. I am the author of malignant self- loveve, narcissism revisited, the bible of narcissism, the book that coined all the language in use
10. 03:16 today. I’m also a professor of psychology. Two days ago, I released a video about the way constructs reshape reality uh reframe your memories in order to uphold uh to butress and to support a specific selfate which is responsive to environmental cues. Now this was a
11. 03:43 mouthful so I’ll remind you a self state the environment sends you stimuli. The environment provides information and data. A specific selfate is selected. The self state activates a construct. The construct interfaces with reality, gathers the information, filters it,
12. 04:05 reframes it in order to conform to the self state. And then the construct also
13. 04:15 uh changes your memory. It kind of represses some memories, emphasizes other memories, creates select a selective memory environment. So it alters it alters the perception of reality. It alters your memories and then it induces in you behaviors that tend to uphold the
14. 04:36 self state. This is done via introjects. The introjects are internal voices in your head that send out a stream of automatic thoughts. The constructs activate, trigger specific introjets. Then the automatic thoughts shape your behavior and you create in the
15. 04:59 environment you create, you generate specific outcomes. uh your behavior has consequences and these outcomes or consequences tend to support to uphold to prove right the self state and its associated constellation of constructs. I recommend that you watch that video.
16. 05:24 There’s a lot more there. It’s a one-hour video, one of my shortest. But many of you have written to me to ask, can you give me can you give us an example? Can you give us an example of how this works in reality? So today I’m going to do exactly this. You are
17. 05:41 warned. Today I’m going to discuss how this mechanism works with people pleasers and with children uh adults who had been parentified as children. And so these people have specific automatic thoughts. These automatic thoughts are at the core of the identity of people pleasers and
18. 06:09 formally parentified children. What are these automatic thoughts? Well, here they are. Number one, my happiness is always at someone else’s expense. I call it the zero sum automatic thought. If you’re happy, someone else is unhappy. Your happiness is someone else’s
19. 06:32 sacrifice. Your contentment, your joy, your cheer is someone else’s distress or burden. So there’s a zero sum game. If you love people, if you like people, if you want to please people, if you feel that you are someone’s mother or someone’s daddy
20. 06:56 figure, you are going to withhold your happiness. You’re going to suppress your joy and cheer and contentment in order not to inflict undue burdens, sacrifices and unhappiness on your nearest and dearest. That is automatic thought number one. And it comes from an
21. 07:18 introject or a group of introjects. Possibly for example a harsh critical mother or a withholding absent mother or a selfish essentially dead mother mentally. Okay. The second automatic thought at the core of people pleasing and formally parentified children is I have to earn
22. 07:41 my happiness. I don’t deserve happiness. I have to work hard for it. I have to justify it. I have to demonstrate that uh happiness is due is my due. Happiness is not an ambient thing. Happiness is not something that everyone around me should strive to provide me for. Happiness is
23. 08:05 not something I should pursue because if I pursue happiness, it is at someone else’s expense. Happiness is hard work. So these people identify happiness with tasks, with assignments, with labor. The more the busier they are, the more difficult life is, the more honorous the tasks,
24. 08:30 the more they have to do, the the happier they feel because surely having invested so much work, happiness is coming to me. So um these people would tend to become for example workaholics. They would tend to develop addictions a variety of addictions. Addiction is perceived by
25. 08:52 the addict as work. You ask any junkie and he will tell you how much work there is in securing the drug and then using the drug and so on so forth. Addiction involves ceremonies, routines. Addiction creates a social circle around the addict. So addiction is an organizing
26. 09:09 principle, a life structuring affirmation. And these people, people pleasers, formerly parentified children, they tend to become addicts because the addiction is perceived as labor, hard labor. And toil is the prerequisite and the anti anticident of happiness. There’s no
27. 09:33 happiness without toil. It’s a little like in the Bible, you know, when Adam and Eve were expelled from the Garden of Eden, God promised them a life of toil. Uh compensated for by giving giving birth to children. Okay. Happiness including childbearing and child rearing
28. 09:56 um you have to work for it. You have to earn it and deserve it. Number three, automatic thought. Number three, somehow I have to bribe people. I have to bribe people around me. I have to somehow corrupt them by offering them something. I have to compensate them for
29. 10:20 being with me. I have to bribe people to stay with me. I have to bribe people to collaborate with me. I have to co-opt people to help me. I have to make sure that people tolerate me because I give them something in return. And I need to do all this because I’m a
30. 10:40 bad object. I’m unworthy. I’m unlovable. I’m crazy. I’m inadequate. I’m dissolute. I’m hopeless. And so on and so forth. I am so I am such um bad deal. I’m such a delinquent proposition that for people to do to have anything to do with me they somehow must be given
31. 11:09 something in return must be compensated. So this is the third automatic negative automatic thought. And the fourth automatic thought is I need to compromise. Life is a compromise. I need to compromise on my boundaries. I need to give up my rights.
32. 11:28 I need to do all this because of the previous three automatic thoughts. I’m unworthy. My happiness is always at the expense of someone. And I have to earn my happiness. So I need to give up on boundaries, on rights, on demands, on expectations.
33. 11:45 I can’t force myself on the environment. I need to minimize myself.