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1. 00:02 On the one hand, this hand, I keep telling you that the narcissist is not capable of perceiving you as external objects. He is incapable of apprehending your separateness and externality. In other words, the narcissist regards you as extensions of himself, figments in his
2. 00:26 mind or imagination, internal objects, introjects, avatars, representations, but not people out there. independent separate entities with their own lives, their own dreams, their own wishes, their own hopes, their own preferences and priorities, their own
3. 00:49 social life, their own personal history. None of this. The narcissist does not perceive and is incapable of accommodating himself to the fact that people around him are not dependent on him, are not derivatives but the real thing. There are many reasons why this happens
4. 01:14 and I deal with all with all of them in a variety of videos on this channel. I recommend that you search the playlist titled the mind of the narcissist. But today I want to discuss something else. So with this hand I keep telling you you are not separate. You’re not external.
5. 01:31 You are merely figments of the narcissist’s mind and imagination. You’re internal. You’re extensions and so on. And on this with this hand, on the other hand, this other hand, I keep informing you that the narcissist engages in primitive defenses such as
6. 01:49 projection or splitting. To remind you, projection is when you attribute to other people parts of yourself, traits of yourself, behaviors of yourself, memories of yourself that you find objectionable, that you reject, that are unacceptable to you because they
7. 02:08 challenge your self-concept or they cause you discomfort, ego destiny. So, this is projection. You say, “I’m not stingy. She is stingy. I’m not abusive. She is abusive. I’m not jealous. He’s jealous. et I’m not envious he’s envious etc. This is projection.
8. 02:25 Splitting is another such defense mechanism is when you divide everyone into all bad all good. Someone who is all good has no flaws, no problems, no misbehavior per is someone who is all good is perfection raified. Someone who is all bad can never do
9. 02:44 anything right and is irredeemable basically. Okay. So these are two examples of primitive defenses, what we call infantile defenses. And the question is, if the narcissist is not capable of perceiving people as external objects, how does the narcissist project onto them? How does
10. 03:11 the narcissist split them? This is the topic of today’s video and I’m going to teach you various ways to convert yourself from internal objects in the narcissist playground to external objects out there at the risk of course of losing the relationship with a narcissist.
11. 03:34 My name is Sam Vaknin. I’m the author of malignant self- loveve narcissism revisited and I’m a professor of psychology and yes I’m an external object. Don’t ever say that I’m not. Don’t don’t ever tell me that I’m merely an internal introject in your minds,
12. 03:51 which some of you do from time to time. Okay, let’s go back to basics. The internal object, the introject, the avatar, the snapshot, call it as you will, the representation of you in the narcissist’s mind. This internal object is perceived by the narcissist as
13. 04:13 internal as the name implies. This object is a part of the narcissist mind. Now before I proceed, half of all narcissists are women. I’m going to use the Victorian literary convention and the male gender pronouns, but everything I say applies to women. So women
14. 04:32 narcissist, I mean. So the narcissist regards your representation in his mind, your avatar, your snapshot, the image in his mind that is a standin, a placeholder for you. He regards it as an integral part of who he is, an integral part of his mind, an inseparable
15. 04:55 element, ingredient of his own psychology. It’s not out there. It’s not external. is not separate but it’s a dynamic or a process or an object inside the narcissist’s mind. So when the narcissist projects, when the narcissist attributes to you traits and behaviors, he’s not
16. 05:18 attributing them to you. When he says, “I’m not envious, she is envious.” He’s not talking about you. He’s talking about your snapshot, about the internal object that represents you in his mind. When the narcissist project, he does not project outwards onto you as an external
17. 05:39 object. He projects inwards. Your internal object within the narcissist’s mind becomes the repository of everything the narcissist rejects in himself. Everything in himself that he cannot accept, everything he hates about himself, everything he loathes about
18. 06:02 himself, all of these he places them within the internal object that represents you in his mind. Similarly, when the narcissist idealizes, he uses your internal the internal object that stands in for you. uses the internal object that represents you in
19. 06:25 his mind, the snapshot. He uses it as a container of everything that he likes about himself or everything he would have wanted to be. This process is known as idealization. Let’s summarize. You don’t exist. You don’t exist as an external object. You’re not out there.
20. 06:45 You’re not separate. You’re a part of the huge playground known as the narcissist mind. The narcissist mind is a narrative. It’s a fantasy. It’s not real. It’s a piece of fiction. It’s a movie. And within this, there is a script. And within the script, you’re a
21. 07:03 character. You’re merely a character in the narcissist video game. In the narcissist mind. And so when the narcissist engages in projection, he attributes not to you, but to the character that represents you. He attributes to that character everything
22. 07:24 that he hates about himself. That is known as devaluation. When the narcissist’s idea is is in the in the phase of idealizing you, the idealization, the love bombing phase, he attributes to the internal object everything that he likes about himself,
23. 07:41 everything that he believes about himself, never mind how counterfactually, how fantastically, all his grandiosity and everything he would have liked to have become the ego ideal. He attributes all these to the internal object that is you in his mind. So all the interactions
24. 08:03 between the narcissist and you are actually interactions between the narcissist and your avatar between the narcissist and your placeholder between the narcissist and the icon in his in his operating system that is that is you. So, it’s all an
25. 08:22 internal process. Even the narcissist’s directional defense mechanisms such as projection, such as splitting, have nothing to do with you. What the narcissist does, the narcissist shapeshifts the internal objects, changes the attributes of the internal
26. 08:41 object, redefineses and reframes the internal object. Never you, never you as an external object. And consequently, the narcissist does not perceive these defense mechanisms. He does not perceive the projection or the splitting. He does not experience them as projection or
27. 09:02 splitting because it’s all internal. It’s all occurring or happening in the narcissist’s mind and only there because you as an external object is irrelevant. you’re irrelevant and cannot be perceived by the narcissist because everything is confined to the
28. 09:20 narcissist’s mind and skull. And you know, because of that, the narcissist experiences everything as an internal dynamic, as something that’s happening inside himself. And so the narcissist would deny vehemently that he’s projecting or that he’s splitting
29. 09:41 or that he’s rationalizing. He would deny all these defense mechanisms because he does not experience them. He does not experience these defense mechanisms as having to do with someone out there with an external entity. He experiences all of them the way you for
30. 10:00 example experience thinking, cognitions or emotions. Classical projection requires the recognition of an external object. When Freud and others first described projection, they clearly they made very clear that projection is about is an interaction that is about the
31. 10:24 externality of the other othering. The narcissist is incapable of this. is incapable of perceiving others as separate from himself, as external to himself, as independent, as autonomous, as agentic. No way. And so in effect,
32. 10:45 one could say that narcissists never really project, never really split in the classical um Freudian or psychoanalytic sense. What they do, they redirect these defense mechanisms and they use them or or apply them to highly specific territory, a highly
33. 11:08 specific ter territory within their minds where the internal objects reside.
34. 11:16 So imagine that there is some kind of enclosure or some kind of zoo or some kind of reservation where all the internal objects uh are herded or reside or concentrated and the narcissist would use splitting on these internal objects would use projection on these internal
35. 11:35 objects and depends what is splitting and what he’s projecting these internal objects could be either idealized or devalued. Now there’s no such thing as positive projection. You can’t project your positive elements. Projection is about rejecting something in yourself. But
36. 11:53 there is such a thing as idealization. Okay. What happens to these internal objects? At one time the when they’re subject to splitting, they’re all good and then weeks later they’re all bad. Sometimes they are the repository of everything the narcissist loves about
37. 12:13 himself would have wanted to become. At other times they are the container of everything the narcissist the narcissist loathes and hates a myasma of of the myasma of the narcissist effluence. How how is how are these shifts possible? And how does the narcissist
38. 12:32 reconcile this amazing transitions in the attributes and character of the internal object? The introjects shapeshift all the time. How does a narcissist make his peace or her peace with this constant uh volatility with this constant shape-shifting with this
39. 12:53 constant transmogriication and transformation? How? By changing the fantasy, they introjects, they shapeshift in order to fit the fantasy. As the fantasy evolves, as the fantasy subtly transitions from one phase to another, for example, from idealization to devaluation, so do the
40. 13:17 introjects. The introjects are tailored to reduce dissonance and anxiety within the fantasy. The main role of the introjects is anxolytic. They help the narcissist avoid, for example, abandonment anxiety. They help the narcissist avoid internal dissonance
41. 13:37 between conflicting views or conflicting self-concepts or conflicting messages or conflict between reality and the self-concept. This is the main role of the internal objects, the snapshots, the introj. and they shapeshift subtly or sometimes abruptly in order to accommodate
42. 13:55 the narrative flow and the narrative arc of the fantasy. And so the dynamic of the shared fantasy, idealization, devaluation, whatever this card, a symbolic separation, the dynamic of the shared fantasy also dictates the way the narcissist experiences the introjects,
43. 14:18 the way the narcissist perceives the internal objects. It’s not so much a change in the internal object itself. It’s a change in the way the narcissist relates to the internal object. And so you end up being an introject, a snapshot, an internal object within the
44. 14:39 narcissist’s mind and shared fantasy. Is there anything you can do about it? Countering the introj and genders aggression. Whenever you assert your externality, whenever you insist on your separateness, this triggers in the narcissist enormous aggression because he experiences
45. 15:04 your assertiveness as a kind of threat and also as an aggression. So what are the ways in which you can challenge the introject? Before I proceed, there are many ways to challenge your intro. The avat your avatar in the narcissist’s mind, the
46. 15:25 snapshot he took of you. There many ways to challenge it to rip it to shreds, but all of them trigger enormous aggression in the narcissist and all of them would lead to the termination of the relationship with the narcissist. So, it’s a great way to go no contact.
47. 15:43 And here are the ways you can counter the introject by acting in ways that negate the idealized or the devalued nature and attributes of the introject. In the idealization phase, for example, you can challenge your own idealization. You can challenge
48. 16:05 the perfection that the narcissist attributes to you. You can disagree with a narcissist. When he says you’re more intelligent than Albert Einstein, you can mock him. You can say, “I’m not.” You can prove to him that you’re not. When he says, “You’re drop dead
49. 16:20 gorgeous.” You could say, “Well, I’m relatively good-looking, but I’m not drop dead gorgeous.” constantly challenging, undermining, constantly mirroring, constantly introducing reality into the idealization phase would of course undermine it would
50. 16:36 destroy the foundations and would make it very difficult for the narcissist to maintain the idealization. And the same applies in the devaluation phase. You act in ways and you verbalize. You use speech acts that challenge, undermine and negate the
51. 16:55 idealized introject or the devalued introject. Another way to challenge or counter the introject to rip apart the avatar or the
52. 17:09 snapshot that passes for you in the narcissist’s mind. Another way is simply to disagree with the narcissist, to criticize the narcissist. This would cause narcissistic injury and would force the narcissist to re-evaluate who you truly are. It would also bring to
53. 17:27 the narcissist awareness forcibly your externality and separateness. Similarly, if you offer the narcissist advice or help, you’re implying that the narcissist is less than perfect. less omnipotent or omnicient. You’re challenging the narcissist self-concept.
54. 17:46 You’re destroying the narcissist’s ability to distort his cognitions and apply grandiosity, grandio veneer to everything. You’re exposing the narcissist’s fragility and vulnerability. And this makes it very difficult for the narcissist to maintain
55. 18:04 the cohesiveness and the coherence of the internal int object the introject that represents you in his mind. So disagree with him, criticize him, offer advice unsolicited, offer help, imply that he needs you and act in ways which challenge the
56. 18:24 idealization, your idealization or your devaluation. Any sign of personal autonomy, any proof of agency, any evidence of independence, challenge the introjection, destroy the contours and the content of the internal object. Because having internalized you, having
57. 18:48 introjected you, having converted you into an introjector or an internal object, the narcissist begins to regard you as inanimate because he does not recognize that you’re external. He does not accept that you are separate from him. As far as he’s concerned, you’re mere extension
58. 19:04 of figment. Any proof to the contrary ruins the narcissist’s ability to engage in the fantasy of you exist only in my mind. So act independently ostentatiously independently. Be agentic. Emphasize your personal autonomy. to not, for example, submit to the narcissist dictates as to
59. 19:32 your agenda or your profession or your occupation or what you’re going to do in the evening or how you’re going to dress. Demonstrate to the narcissist that you do have a separate external existence. Next, challenge gaslighting. Display gaslighting immunity.
60. 19:52 And just to reiterate, narcissists don’t gaslight because they believe their own confabulations, their own fantasies. Gaslighting requires the ability to tell apart fantasy from reality, which the narcissist lacks. But the impact on you, the way you experience the narcissist’s
61. 20:11 contribulations and fantasies is gaslighting. You are being gaslit unintentionally, non- deliberately, but gas lit all the same. Demonstrate to the narcissist that you’re immune to gaslighting. That you have a firm grasp of reality. That there’s no way to change your mind about
62. 20:29 what’s real and what’s not. That you realize the distinction between his fantasies and dreams and confabulations and what has really happened and is really happening. That you have other sources, authoritative sources with regards to reality. that your reality
63. 20:45 testing is not impaired and you do not need the narcissist good services in mediating reality as far as you’re concerned. Next, maintain a circle of friends, family, because when you have people around you, good friends, family that is loving and
64. 21:05 caring, other people who are invested and committed to invested in and committed to your well-being and welfare. When you have other people around you, the narcissist perceives them as competition. They regard their relationship relationship with you as competing
65. 21:26 fantasies. The narcissist believes that everything is a fantasy. Fantasy is the organizing principle of narcissism. So if you have a good friend, it’s a shared fantasy with a good friend. If you are close to your mother, it’s a shared fantasy with your mother. He would try
66. 21:41 to dissuade you. He would try to wake you up. He would try to enlighten you. Don’t let him maintain. Keep these people around. Do not allow the narcissist to isolate you. The narcissist is terrified of rejection and abandonment. Exactly like the
67. 21:57 borderline. And so by maintaining these people around, you will keep him on his him or her on his or her toes. And it would make it very difficult for the narcissist to create an internal object that is valid and that is convincing, plausible. Because as the
68. 22:20 phrase implies, an internal object is by definition isolated from reality, secluded from others. It’s a hermit. If you demonstrate to the narcissist that you’re integrated in social settings in the community, that would make it very difficult for him to believe in the
69. 22:40 veracity of the internal object because internal object is always isolated. And finally, offer the narcissist love, care, engulf the narcissist with intimacy. Immerse him in the experience of your togetherness. There’s nothing that the narcissist dreads more than
70. 23:04 this because the narcissist perceives love and intimacy engulfment as a threat, something that is associated with pain and weakness. It’s a form of weakness. It’s a frailty. It’s a in the narcissist’s armor. It’s a vulnerability. And when you’re offering
71. 23:28 the narcissist this, when you when you create an environment that is essentially intimate and loving, you are not allowing the narcissist to engage in the kind of relationships that narcissists prefer with the internal object. Narcissists prefer non-intimate,
72. 23:45 disintimate relationships. They prefer non-loving, non-compassionate, non-empathic relationships. And they can have these kind of relationships only with their internal objects. If you are offering an alternative, if you’re offering love and intimacy and
73. 23:59 compassion, it clearly you’re not an internal object. All these are challenges to the internality of the object. You’re not challenging the snapshot per se. You’re not challenging the narcissist internalization of you or introjection of you. Actually, healthy people are the
74. 24:19 same. They also create introjects of other people. So, you’re not challenging this. You are challenging the narcissist conviction that you exist only as an internal object. That there is no other dimension to your being. This is what you’re challenging by constantly
75. 24:38 reminding the narcissist that this assumption this underlying hidden assumption is wrong. You are out there. You are external. You are separate. You have a mind of your own. You have a life of your own. And you’re going to live this life. And you’re going to maintain
76. 24:54 this mind. You’re going to be remain in touch with reality. And if it doesn’t fit the narcissist, you will go. You can go. And if it creates aggression, you will react or walk away.
77. 25:11 And someone on YouTube made the following comment. I’ve been trying to figure this out for years. For example, when the narcissist gives for their own supply or manipulation, it is all internal. They’re giving to themselves. However, when the object, the external
78. 25:29 object takes the gift as their own or enjoys it too much or when the gift is recognized as shared or beyond the intent of their internal fantasy, that is a narcissistic injury and devaluation is triggered. Because says the user, you have suddenly
79. 25:52 been identified as external. Therefore, you should never expect to share the enjoyment or gift with them. Again, there’s a minor correction here. Um, challenges to the internal object. When you challenge the internal object, it’s going to lead to aggression, but
80. 26:09 not to devaluation. Devaluation is a totally separate dynamic that is an integral an inexurable part of the shared fantasy and has nothing to do with you, your behaviors, your words, any interaction with the narcissist. The valuation has nothing to do with you.
81. 26:28 There’s nothing you can do to bring it on and there’s nothing you can do to prevent it. However, it is true that if you challenge the internal object that represents you in the narcissist’s mind, he’s going to become very aggressive. And that’s a price you should be willing
82. 26:45 to pay because the alternative is to vanish, to lose your core identity, to dissipate, to evaporate, and to be no more.