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1. 00:02 Recently, I called two people on their disrespectful misbehavior. I drew their attention to the way they’re misbehaving and suggested that they may change their behavior so as not to be perceived as ill-mannered. Strangely, on both in both instances,
2. 00:26 these two people were totally unrelated reacted identically. They offered an apology for their behavior, but then immediately switched to the offensive. They started to attack me. They said, “You’re not compassionate. You are disempathic. You have to understand my situation.
3. 00:53 I mislaid my eyeglasses. I was sick. I don’t know what. So the responses might as well have been copy pasted. And the core message was, if you dare to
4. 01:10 point out my misbehavior, if you dare to imply that I’m being disrespectful, if you dare to suggest that I’m ill-mannered or univil, then you are the one who is non-compassionate, lacking in empathy, and generally speaking, a nasty, vicious ious, evil, brutish person.
5. 01:40 Of course, there it’s possible that both um both people were narcissists. It’s distinctly possible. They were both they’re both media figures. But there’s something deeper at play. I think these people have displayed what we call aloplastic defenses. Aloplastic defenses
6. 02:02 are attempts to make sense of reality and to imbue life with meaning by attributing malevolence or defects or deficiencies to other people. Other people are misbehaving. Other people should have behaved differently. Other people are not compassionate, not empathic, not attuned,
7. 02:32 not fully there, ignorant of the fault lies with other people. Yes, I may have misbehaved, but there’s a perfect explanation for this. Then the other party should have guessed the explanation, should have read the mind, read my my mind, should have should have
8. 02:51 given me concessions, should have taken into account the infinite possibilities of why I have behaved as I’ve behaved. I the message from these two people was I am not capable of misbehavior in principle and anyone who implies otherwise is himself
9. 03:11 misbehaving is himself deficient is himself lacking by simply daring to point out the way that I’ve misbehaved and how disrespectful I’ve been. These are known as aloplastic defenses. Aloplastic defenses is when you explain your own misconduct, your own failures,
10. 03:31 your own defeats, your own mistakes, your own errors by attributing the cause to other people. Other people made me do it. Other people were mistaken, not me. Other people are malevolent and malicious and malign and they want to take me down or they envy
11. 03:53 me. Other people, other people, institutions, not me, not me. It is the shifting of respon personal responsibility, guilt tripping others, blaming others. Even when you acknowledge your behavior, even when these people acknowledge their behavior, when they say, “Yeah, I’ve
12. 04:16 misbehaved. Yeah, I understand why you could be perceived as disrespectful, but you should have understood that I’m a good person. I would not do it on purpose, and I had excellent reasons to misbehave and to disrespect you. And if you think otherwise, something’s wrong
13. 04:34 with you. Of course, aloplastic defenses are closely aligned and intertwined with entitlement. The person with aloplastic defenses says, “I’m entitled to special treatment. I’m entitled to consideration. I’m entitled to protection. I’m entitled to immunity and impunity,
14. 04:58 the consequences of my actions. I should never pay the price for the consequences of my choices, decisions, and actions.” This is a deeply ingrained sense of entitlement which is closely aligned with magical thinking. Other people should read your mind. The person with
15. 05:20 the aloplastic defenses says other people should read my mind. Other people should realize that if if and when I’ve misbehaved, I’ve had good reasons to and so on. So this is magical thinking. At the same time, of course, it is self-enhancing because it says, “I can
16. 05:38 do no wrong. I’m always right. I’m angelic. I’m moral. I’m impeccable. I’m immaculate. It’s other people who are at fault. It’s other people who are misreading me. It’s other people who should have acted in a concessionary manner. They should have considered or
17. 05:55 given me concessions because of my special situation, which also implies that you’re special.” So it all goes together. These two people who counteratt attacked, haranged me, um called me names, uh said openly that I’m, you know, very nasty person, mean and so on so forth.
18. 06:24 They were not analyzing me in an objective manner, and they didn’t have sufficient information to reach this conclusion. They were reacting to the very fact that I dared to point out the misbehavior and to the fact that disrespecting other people
19. 06:43 is a form of incivility. It’s a it’s a lack of manners. It’s ill manners. And they reacted with what can only be described as narcissistic rage.