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- 00:00 Number two, the Baknin Rangalowska Foundation has published two free books. You can download them for free. One of them has to do with the Kronon field theory. It’s a book in physics and it describes the groundbreaking efforts and work of Eton Satched
- 00:22 building upon the foundation of micronom field theory as described in my in my doctrinal dissertation in 1982 1984. It’s a revolutionary recasting of physics and I recommend that you get the book. It’s free and those of you who are into physics uh
- 00:44 are in for a lunar park ride. Now the second book published again free of charge a available for download in English Macedonian and Albanian. It’s a triilingual edition. The book is titled scientific healing and recovery from narcissistic abuse evidence-based
- 01:05 practices clinical and self-help and it
- 01:11 is available as I said for free download. It summarizes my work in the field of narcissistic abuse and the current scientific knowledge regarding healing and recovery from such toxic relationships. Don’t miss the opportunity to download this book for free. Again, it’s in three
- 01:28 languages, English, Macedonian, and Albanian. When you go to the description, you will find a link to the U page, the download page of the Kronon field theory book and a link to the download page of the uh scientific healing and recovery book. And simply
- 01:50 click on the links. You will be forwarded to a page and on the page you will find the download links and you can avail yourself free of charge of these two toms. Today we’re going to discuss the subtle ways in which you bribe your abuser. Yes. When you have a relationship,
- 02:13 when you maintain a toxic relationship with an abuser, gradually the abuser forces you to bribe him in order to maintain his presence or her presence in your life. The bribes are surreptitious. They’re subtle. They’re invisible. They’re in disccernible. They’re
- 02:34 difficult to spot and difficult to identify. But it is definitely a venal system in which you offer the abuser concessions and the abuser accepts them graciously, dains and condescends and patronizes you and in return agrees to stay in your life and continue the abuse. This is an
- 03:03 integral part integral mechanism of trauma bonding. My name is San Vaknin. I’m the author of malignant self- love narcissism revisited and I am a professor of psychology. Let us start with a basic fact. The abuser holds you in unmitigated contempt.
- 03:25 His disdain for you knows no boundaries because you are in his eyes or her eyes inferior. You’re weak. You’re vulnerable. The abuser externalizes or projects his or her bad object onto you, attributes to you the parts of himself that he finds objectionable, that he rejects,
- 03:54 that he’s ashamed of. He puts all of these on you. Then he identifies you with these parts and then he says you are the one. So the abuser holds you in contempt either because you’re an inferior being whilst he is superior to you in every way imaginable
- 04:19 or because he is pro-social. He regards his morality, his ethics, his code of conduct far superior to you or to yours. So this is a basic fact. Regardless of appearances, regardless of ostentatious behaviors, regardless of statements to the contrary, regardless
- 04:43 of protestations and exclamations and proclamations and promulgations, regardless of all this theater, all this performative shared fantasy of unending, undying, unyielding love, idealization of you and so on. Regardless of all this, the undercurrent is contempt,
- 05:05 disdain, disgust, repulsion even. And yet the abuser keeps you in his life because you provide him with two of the four S’s. sex supply, narcissistic or sadistic if the abuser is so inclined, services and your stable safe presence. The four S’s, two of them suffice.
- 05:32 The abuser keeps you in his life, but he wants you to maintain a specific profile. He does not want you to deviate from the internal objects that object that represents you in his mind. And this internal object is helpless, dependent,
- 05:54 submissive, weak, stupid, labile, disregulated and infirm or even sick. These are the characteristics of the internal object because one of the main roles of the internal objects object one of the main functions of the internal object is to sustain the abusers self-concept
- 06:20 and selfimage and self-perception as godlike and superior by devaluing the internal object by attributing to the internal object all kinds of inferior attributes and characteristics. The abuser maintains his own or her own inflated, fantastic, grandio,
- 06:44 counterfactual perception or conception of the self. An internal object is always always inferior to the abuser. And so the abuser rewards you. The abuser praises you. The abuser in a way bribes you. The abuser encourages you, incentivizes you,
- 07:10 cajones you, persuades you, convinces you, pushes you, eggs you on. The the abuser molds you, shapes you, sculpts you so that you fully conform to the internal object. no daylight between you and the internal object. And he creates a system of reinforcements, positive
- 07:33 reinforcements and negative reinforcements which together put together amount to conditioning. He rewards you whenever you are dependent.
- 07:47 Whenever you show helplessness, learned helplessness. Whenever you are submissive. Whenever you are admiring. Whenever you are weak. Whenever you display your stupidity or ignorance. Whenever you’re labile and disregulated. Whenever you’re sick and infirm
- 08:07 physically or mentally. Whenever you’re in need, this dependency upon the abuser is encouraged. Is a loyalty test. It’s proof of faithfulness, adherence, bonding, attachment. By being constantly ill mentally and physically. By being always helpless in need of
- 08:37 guidance and author authority. By being submissive and weak. By displaying ignorance and stupidity ostentatious ostentatiously by being constantly disregulated and labile by being dependent, overwhelmed by emotions, ups and downs, mood swings, you name it.
- 09:01 When you’re like that, all over the place, broken, damaged, fragmented, disjointed, disintegrated, it is then that the abuser loves you most. It is then that he lightbombs you, idealizes you because then you sustain and maintain and butress and conform and
- 09:22 confirm and affirm the internal object. Internal object is a message to the abuser. It’s a signal. Look at the internal object says the abuser to himself and evidence your superiority. Internal object is so inferior. You’re so superior. The internal object is stupid. You’re a
- 09:42 genius. Internal object is weak. You’re strong. Internal object is infirm. You’re healthy. The internal object object is submissive. You’re dominant. The internal object is dependent. You are independent. And the external object which is you has
- 09:56 to conform to the internal object to maintain this fiction, this narrative of superiority of god-like qualities. The divinity of the abuser, his invincibility, invulnerability, impermeability is his utter brilliance and and omniscience and omnipotence and all this
- 10:19 is maintained in contradistinction to you in opposition to you by comparison comparison with you. You are the lowly yard stick. You’re the lowly life form against which the abuser measures himself and which affirms to him, confirms to him is eternal ascendance,
- 10:44 ascendance, superiority and perfection. If you as an external object were to challenge the internal object, the way the abuser sees you, then this is betrayal. The shared fantasy, this joint narrative which is counterfactual, fantastic, grandios,
- 11:08 inflated, crazy, absolutely crazy. The shared fantasy casts your personal autonomy and your agency as forms of betrayal. You’re betraying him. When you’re strong, you’re betraying him. When you’re independent, you’re betraying him. When you’re agentic, when
- 11:28 you have your own mind, when you make your own decisions, when you have your own social circles and friends, when you are not helpless, when you are not submissive, when you are strong, when you’re resilient, when you are when you’re intelligent and knowledgeable,
- 11:43 when you’re stable, not less, not the other way, when you’re not sick and and ill and infirm, but healthy. In all these situations, the abuser perceives you as the raification and embodiment and personification of betrayal. You’re betraying the joint narrative.
- 12:06 You’re betraying the shared fantasy. You’re betraying this universe that you have put together. You’re betraying the the perception of we against everyone else. You’re betraying the cult. And so in most cases the victims acquies. They play these roles. the dependent,
- 12:30 the helpless maid in distress or damsel, the submissive um woman, the the weak partner, the the stupid ignorant in need of edification and education with her guru, the labile, disregulated, hapless creature, the infirm, sick, ill dependent person. They play these roles.
- 12:55 But if you play roles long enough, you become these roles. You internalize them. It re they render you crippled. They invalidate you. They make you an invalid. The constant attempt to bribe the abuser by conforming to his perception of you, by playing the role of an inferior
- 13:20 creature, an imperfect creature, an imperfect being. this constant attempt to keep keep him in his life or keep her in his in your life. Uh by not being you, by denying who you are, by negating your personal autonomy, your independence, your agency, your
- 13:38 self-efficacy, your power, your resilience, your strength, your good qualities, your education, your gifts, your skills, your talents. Negating, negating, negating, destroying, visiating, eradicating, ignoring, suppressing, burying all these, becoming a shell of yourself, not you.
- 14:00 This constant attempt to bribe the abuser into never leaving you, into always being there, into fulfilling the role of, I don’t know, father, mother, guru. These constant attempts ultimately become a second nature and they replace your identity, who you used to be.
- 14:24 And one day you wake up and you find out that you are no more a mere figment in the abusers’s ongoing serial or movie, a piece of fiction, ephemeral, words on paper, images on screen, but never real. You have disappeared.
