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1. 00:01 Yesterday I was having a chat on our sunny balcony with my wife and publisher Lydia Rangeloska and suddenly as usual she came up with an incisive insight that got me thinking. She said, "People sometimes deny their positive endowments, their gifts, for example, their creativity,
2. 00:27 and they do this in order to please the abuser, to pleate the abuser, to meet the abusers's expectations. And this self-denial remains with them for life. And throughout the lifespan, it wears many forms. It's chimeic. It it it changes disguises and so on, but it's always
3. 00:50 there. This self- negation, this suppression of what you could bring to the table in order not to not stand out, to not challenge the abuser, to not compete with the abuser, to not humiliate the abuser or to simply cater to the abuser's needs. Um whether these
4. 01:09 needs are expressed or whether these needs are implicit. So this is what she said and then it got me thinking. That's quite true. This insight is quite correct. When your gifts and endowments are at the service of the abuser, when the abuser has full control, when you
5. 01:29 grant the abuser power, not only over who you are, your core identity, but over the ways that yourself, your identity manifests, the ways with with in which you interact with other people and with the environment, the ways in which you evolve, develop, grow, transform.
6. 01:51 When the abuser has control over all this, then the abuse is perpetuated throughout life. You are abusing yourself at the service of an abuser that very often is no longer with you physically. When you deny your gifts and endowments, your looks, you neglect yourself
7. 02:13 physically, your joy, joy of life, you become morose and depressed and melancholy. When you deny and suppress your talents, you minimize them or you refuse to express them. You you repress your creativity. You destroy it. when your empathy, you put down your empathy,
8. 02:38 you reduce it, you refuse to deploy it except in the service of the abuser. Um, when you lose your compassion, your social ability, your ability to socialize or wish to socialize with other people and even your sexuality. When all these gifts and endowments,
9. 02:56 some of them nature, some of them nurture, when all these are become weaponized by the abuser, then you're in trouble. Sometimes you deny all these gifts and endowments, not in order to please the abuser, not in order to conform to the abuser's expectations of you, but in order to
10. 03:21 punish the abuser. So you would neglect yourself physically so that the abuser has a sore sight or to reduce your value as a trophy. You would lose your joy and cheer and and you would become as I said depressed and morose and melancholy and so on in
11. 03:45 order to create an unpleasant atmosphere and thereby to punish the abuser. You would refuse to make use of your skills, your talents, and your creativity in order to deny the abuser the benefits of this. And you would become disempathic, discompassionate,
12. 04:07 asocial, maybe even antisocial in order to isolate yourself and at the same time isolate the abuser. And you of course deny your sexuality so that the abuser doesn't enjoy it. And so you could deny who you are. You could deny your gifts and endowments.
13. 04:26 You could deny the dimensions of your personality which are outwardgoing and public facing and the dimensions of your personality which are self-enriching. You could deny all this. You could destroy all this. You can negate all this. You can visiate all this. You can
14. 04:45 repress and bury all these either in order to please the abuser or in order to punish the abuser. But who is it that you're punishing? Yourself, of course. It's a highly self-deeating and self-destructive strategy. It's a strategy that says, "I'm going to
15. 05:05 commit suicide, effectively, psychological suicide, so as to deny myself to the abuser, or I'm going to commit suicide so that I could reappear within the abuser's mind the way he wants me to be. I'm going to I'm going to analy myself one way and resurrect myself another
16. 05:27 way. I'm going to betray myself." This self-denial is a form of self- betrayal and the impact is betrayal. Trauma. The outcome is betrayal. Trauma. You're traumatizing yourself by doing this. And if it's lifelong, you're likely to end up mentally ill,
17. 05:47 depression, anxiety. You're likely to abuse substances. You're likely to neglect your physical and mental health. You're likely to suffer. And you're definitely like likely to shorten your life expectancy. Is it all worth it? Is it all worth it sometimes in order to
18. 06:03 please or punish an abuser that's no longer there, that's long gone, that is dead or out of your life? Ask yourself, is it worth it to do all these things? Is it worth it to unbecome? Is it worth it to not be you? Is it perhaps a way to escape the
19. 06:22 situation by by negating yourself by reversing yourself by unbecoming? Maybe you exempt yourself from the most delterious and detrimental outcomes of a relationship with an abuser. None of these strategies is right. None of these techniques is healthy.
20. 06:44 All of them are going to obliterate you. The application of these this approach is self annihilating and self-exterminating. Ultimately, you're doing the abusers's bidding. You're letting him win. You're perpetuating the abuse by other means against yourself and from within
21. 07:08 yourself. It is only inside that you can find healing. only by eradicating your abuser from your mind and from your life. I recommend that you now head over to the narcissistic abuse healing and recovery playlist on this channel and watch all
22. 07:28 the videos one by one starting with the oldest and up to the newest. You owe it to yourself to salvage the only person that really matters,