Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video.

1. 00:00 No text this Monday started off very well which worries me no end because it means the week can only go downhill from here
2. 00:16 you see I'm catastrophizing this more or less is the topic of today's video indirectly stay tuned my name is Sanvaknne and I'm the author of malignant self- loveve narcissism revisited and a distinguished gay-haired professor of psychology today we discuss the difference between
3. 00:38 compromising and self-sacrificing between compromise and self-denial are there any differences many people tread this thin line and often cross it many people negotiate their relationships and within this process of negotiation they think they convince
4. 01:01 themselves that they are compromising when actually what they're doing is self-sacrificing self-denying self- negating and even to some extent self-rejecting and selfharming so we must distinguish between compromises and self-denial compromises
5. 01:19 are essential the smooth operation of a relationship depends on the ability to negotiate and reach some kind of consensual middle ground compromises are transactional and here's the first clue if you only give and never take that's not a compromise compromises are about quit
6. 01:44 proquo give and take there's no give without take in a real compromise if you only give and you're not taking that's self-sacrifice that's self-abandonment that is self- neglect and self-rejection and self-denial compromises are balanced exchanges compromises feel
7. 02:08 right compromises feel fair they are egoonic you feel good when you compromise you don't feel bad you don't feel that you have given more than you have received No text so what's the difference between compromises and self-sacrifice self-denial self-denial and self-sacrifice are
8. 02:27 behavioral strategies and they are driven by one of two reasons either by separation insecurity abandonment or separation anxiety or by a general tendency to people please let's elaborate a bit if you are terrified of abandonment of rejection if you're
9. 02:48 afraid to be all alone if you're willing to pay any price to maintain the presence of your loved one in your life then you have separation insecurity which is a clinical term for abandonment abandonment anxiety or separation anxiety anxieties drive us to misbehave
10. 03:13 anxieties are the engines of dysfunction because they distort reality they impaired reality testing anxiety is not fear fear is about something real something that is here and now a clear and present danger whereas anxiety is anticipatory it anticipates and then
11. 03:33 it's as if your imagination becomes reality your anticipation becomes the past and so it has happened and you're terrified so self-denial and self-sacrifice are attempts to reduce this anxiety somehow it's as if there's an inner monologue that says if you sacrifice
12. 03:56 yourself if you deny yourself if you negate yourself if you abandon yourself and reject yourself and so on so forth they this will plate the other party this will keep the other party in your life as a stable permanence it's a kind of human sacrifice
13. 04:15 sacrificing myself so that I will never lose you goes the monologue additionally if you negate yourself destroy yourself abandon yourself and deny yourself then you are very unlikely to experience abandonment because no one is left there to experience the abandonment if you
14. 04:35 No text delete yourself eliminate yourself out of existence then of course you're unable to experience abandonment the anxiety goes away the second reason for self-denial and self-sacrifice is people pleasing this is your way of trying to cater to the needs and meet the
15. 04:57 expectations of people around you self-denial and self-sacrifice are one-way streets only give no take the other person's continued presence is the only take so-called take again whereas in compromise there is a tangible balance of exchange there is a
16. 05:19 transactional aspect which is overt and sometimes ostentatious in self-sacrifice self- negation and self-denial there's only give it's a one-way street the flow is unidirectional you feel depleted you feel annihilated you feel erased when you self-sacrifice
17. 05:44 self-denial and self-sacrifice are therefore anxiety reactions and they involve catastrophizing it's as if you're saying to yourself she will get angry or disappointed and then she will leave me or she will get angry and disappointed and then she will not
18. 06:00 love me anymore or he will cheat on me if I don't gratify him and then this calls for behavior modification in order to prevent these unoured threatening outcomes in order to allay the anxiety attendant upon the catastrophizing the only way is to
19. 06:22 become not you to suspend your values your beliefs your judgment your opinions to gaslight yourself into a state of complete submission No text all these conditions involve a theory of mind self-denial and self-sacrifice trigger two psychological constructs in
20. 06:45 you every human being has them these constructs are universal they're common to every living breathing person but they're triggered by self-denial and self-sacrifice in other words they're triggered by catastrophizing anticipatory anxiety they're triggered
21. 07:05 by this the first construct is a theory of mind it's the result of mentalization simply put a theory of mind or mentalization is imagining what goes on in the minds of other people what makes other people tick when the theory of mind is anxioenic when it creates
22. 07:27 anxiety when the theory of mind is divorced from reality it's fantastic the theory of mind leads to anxiety and to catastrophizing and these result in self-defeating self-denying and self-sacrificial mitigation behaviors such as people pleasing
23. 07:47 the second type of construct which is triggered by self-denial and self negation is the internal working model first described by bowel the internal working model is a model a theory regarding how relationships with other people work structurally and
24. 08:08 functionally and again when the internal working model is anxioenic when it creates anxiety for example in insecure attachment we have an internal working model that creates anxiety about the outcomes of the relationship so when the internal model in working model creates
25. 08:28 anxiety about the dynamics of a relationship interactions in a relationship the outcome of a relationship when the internal working model is divorced from reality is fantastic it leads to anxiety and to catastrophizing and these again result in self-defeating self-denying
26. 08:48 self-sacrificial mitigation behaviors such as people pleasing No text so what can you do about this believe it or not two simple rules apply these two rules to your life and your anxiety will more or less disappear as will your tendency to catastrophize
27. 09:09 and at that point you will be able to revert to transition to a transactional mode of relationship where everything is negotiated consensus is reached and compromises involve give and take in equal measures so these are the two simple rules number one always ask
28. 09:29 yourself what's in it for me nothing's wrong with this question it's not egotistical it's not narcissistic it's not exploitative it's about the nature of give and take in a relationship what's in it for me what am I getting i know what I'm giving
29. 09:45 what is it that I'm taking from away from the transaction always insist on an equitable fair balanced give and take rule number two make a written list of the most catastrophic consequences should you not engage in people pleasing should you not self-sacrifice should you
30. 10:06 refuse to self- negate and self-deny what's the worst that could happen make a list of these for example say to yourself if I don't do as she says or if I don't do as he expects if I don't comply if I don't submit if I don't people please if I fail to please these
31. 10:24 people they're going to leave me they're going to fight with me they're going to avoid me they're going to not care about me they're going to stop loving me these are the list of catastrophic consequences write them down keep imagining these intolerable terrifying outcomes every
32. 10:42 day in details multiple times a day and if you can read aloud these doom doomsday scenarios multiple times a day read them aloud to yourself these exposures repeated exposures to the worst that could happen usually desensitize you they am ameliorate the
33. 11:04 attendant anxiety this is a kind of exposure self-administered exposure therapy these are the only two rules you need apply both of them and you will rid yourself of most people pleasing behaviors you will heighten your self-awareness and you will enter a ter
34. 11:23 territory where you feel that your relationship is balanced growth inducing and conducive to well-being and possibly in due time contentment and happiness