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1. 00:00 uh process if you love yourself as a self-contained self-sufficient system then you don't love yourself or at the very least you're not healed self love like any love is directional once you love yourself you have the full capacity to love others perhaps you
2. 00:20 failed you have failed with a narcissist because you did not love yourself and did not have the capacity to love others and then you found someone whom you could not love someone who gave you the option to not love them because what you have had with the narcissist was not love
3. 00:42 he didn't love you and I have shocking news for you you did not love him there's no love there at all of any kind not a hint what you had with a narcissist was self-reinforcing delusional fantastic space within which you fell in love with yourself and with
4. 01:01 the narcissist capacity to make you f fall in love with yourself and he fell in love with his maternal figure which is not you you were both floating and drifting apart in a fantastic space like two atoms you had nothing in common you had nothing with each other nothing
5. 01:18 nothing it was all a soap bubble it was all a delusion so don't say that you love the narcissist you experienced love he loved you you loved him that's complete nonsense and many many people gravitate to relationships with emotionally unavailable people like narcissists
6. 01:39 because they are emotionally unavailable and they are emotionally unavailable in a majority of cases because they don't know how to love themselves only when you love the yourself you have surplus that you can give to others if you have a deficit there's nothing you
7. 01:58 can give others if you're hungry you don't share your food if you're hungry you eat it so if you're hungry for for love because you've never experienced self- loveve how will you be able to give love to others any love that you may get around to you will use you will
8. 02:13 consume you will never give it to others but then you need a partner who doesn't care about love who doesn't do love you need a partner who is emotionally absent you need a partner who is not there you need a partner who who isn't you need absence as your partner you need the
9. 02:28 void you need the black hole as your partner so you choose someone with with whom you can both pretend and selfdeceive as if you are in a love affair as if you are having love as if you are experiencing love but it's all a charade it's all sherad it's all it's all not
10. 02:49 true it's not true it's a fantasmagia it's it's a mirage it's a it's a fatamogana in the desert you know there's an oasis this it's not there it's not real it's so
11. 03:06 finally to experience and develop self-love will allow you to find another person with whom you can love and that person will be able to love you back as long as you do not develop self- loveve your healing might be complete in the sense that you will no longer have an
12. 03:23 introject and no longer be traumatized you'll no longer be traumatized you will no longer have all kinds of negative negative effects and so some of the healing big part of the healing can be completed but as long as you do not develop self-love you will never ever have a life
13. 03:41 self- loveve is a precondition for having a life not a simulation as long as you don't have self-love what you think you have the life you think you're having is not a life it's a simulation of a life and that's it simulations are pre-programmed and they come to an end
14. 04:01 that's not the way to live if you do not experience yourself and the only way to experience yourself is via self love if you do not experience yourself you will never ever experience anything and anyone ever it's a precondition that's why the
15. 04:21 maternal role is super crucial it is the mother it is the mother that teaches you self- loveve and she teaches you self- loveve via this mixed messaging that I that I mentioned she teaches you to stay the same even as you evolve even as you grow even as you transform and that way
16. 04:44 to internalize her love for you her love for you becomes affected becomes attached to your core and to the process of change itself everything you do and everything you are you love you love through her you always love through your mother always all the loves that you
17. 05:05 have and all the loves that you will ever know to the very last day of life are essentially just transformations and transmutations of your mother's love and if you've never experienced a mother's love then it's a serious problem a therapist may be able to help you with it
18. 05:30 may be able to teach you to parent yourself so we have techniques of reparenting so maybe able to teach you to be your own mother so that in some vicarious remote way you may enjoy the glow of what could have been a sun the sun that never rose in your universe but
19. 05:54 at least the glow at least the the warmth you may experience this at least and you should go for it you should go for it definitely but those of us who have had mothers who did not love us or were incapable of loving us there's no maybe no intent but
20. 06:14 they are deprived for life and they are damaged for life and it's not a small damage and when our mothers not only did not love us but wanted us dead then we end up being narcissists or psychopaths narcissists especially because we internalize the mother's wish if the
21. 06:35 mother wanted you dead then mother is always right and you internalize her wish for you to be dead you internalized her deadness and you become nothing but the extension of this wish for you to be dead you become dead so narcissists are dead they they're
22. 06:55 dead inside and they're dead inside because it was essentially the wish of the mother to to kill them in effect metaphorically of course and sometimes not metaphorically in my case at least not metaphorically so this is uh this is the picture you need ultimately
23. 07:14 therefore in the final stage of the healing to become your own mother if you never had one or never had a functioning one you need to become your own mother and if you skip this stage and you don't want to become your own mother because the experience you've had with your
24. 07:30 mother was horrible and you don't want to replay and you don't want to you don't want mothers no mothers thank you no mothers we're British yeah so if you if you skip this stage again I say you will have accomplished functional healing like you will have accomplished
25. 07:47 the ability to function again and to but something sub something important something some quidity some essence will be missing and one day this will erupt again and consume you this will happen again simply if you don't take care of this if you don't develop self- loveve
26. 08:08 you will again end up with a narcissist you will again end up with a toxic in a toxic relationship you will again end up sabotaging yourself arming yourself damaging yourself and so on you need to learn to love yourself and if necessary and if you didn't have the right mother
27. 08:23 you need to become your own mother for a while at least for a while and see yourself through a mother's eyes because through a mother's eyes every single one of you is always eminently lovable mothers love that's what mothers do thank you [Applause]
28. 08:55 okay now we take uh we take a 10-minut break it's 3:00 uh do you want more do you want like 3:15 okay 3:15 we will be back here questions and answers and uh then we will say goodbye