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1. 00:05 with a narcissistic mother the problem is exactly the opposite the child is not getting attention neglected ignored repressed suppressed the narcissistic mother is selfabsorbed she revolves around herself she is the only object in her world she is so lipsy
2. 00:31 there's no one else there she converts external objects including the child into internal objects introjects and she continue she snapshots the child and she continues to interact only with the internal objects now that's a no-win catch 22 situation because she idealizes
3. 00:56 the child's she idealizes the internal object that corresponds to the child she idealizes she photoshops the snapshotted introject that represents the child in her mind and if the child deviates from this internal object if the child diverges contradicts the internal object
4. 01:18 shows any signs of autonomy or independence or agency this infuriates the narcissistic mother
5. 01:33 the mother has a lack of empathy and she cannot understand the child in the deepest sense of the world and again because the child understands himself and the world through the mother a lack of empathy implies that the child cannot empathize with himself
6. 01:56 he needs the mother's empathy to acquire empathy including self-mpathy so he cannot empathize with others and he fails to empathize with himself he wrongly perceives his own needs emotions and so on and because he keeps failing ultimately he divorces his emotions and
7. 02:19 he denies his self he creates a false self the false self is objective it's out there it's a piece of fiction it's easier to relate to and later it's easier to become the false self the true self cannot be apprehended cannot be comprehended the mother fa the
8. 02:42 narcissistic mother fails to provide the child with the most basic tools of gauging internal state in other words she hampers obstructs the development of an internal working model and a theory of mind children of narcissistic mothers know nothing about other people and even less
9. 03:08 about the world
10. 03:16 what the child learns is that a fake biography is much preferable to a real one pretention is preferable to being true lying is both more convenient and more self-efficacious than the truth an inconvenient truth the mother teaches the child this
11. 03:41 narcissistic mother teaches the child that appearances matter much more than substance and if they are if appearances are not worthy all you have to do is just say pretend that they're there then the borderline mother is her entire psychonamic her entire
12. 04:08 internal world revolves around the the twin issues of abandonment and engulfment abandonment and genders in her anxiety separation insecurity and engulfment or enshment does the same generates an anxiety so this kind of mother is approach avoidant
13. 04:30 and she broadcast to the child don't abandon me so the child doesn't dare to venture forth to go out of his or her way to meet other people to socialize to be subjected to peer processes peer processes are critical in adolescence for example so this kind of
14. 04:51 child remains homebound and mommy's boy or mommy's girl because the child perceives abandoning mommy as a really really evil and wicked thing to do but when the child tries to be intimate with mother to love her to care for her to show signs of emotions
15. 05:14 her engulfment and enshment anxiety kicks in the only way she knows how to relate to her child is via merger and fusion with the child and so she feels consumed by the child she feels hemmed in stifled strangled suffocated by the child's presence and she rejects the
16. 05:36 child which again creates in the child an anxiety and of course the child becomes a reflection of the mother the child also develops an abandonment anxiety
17. 05:53 gradually the child learns to negate himself to visiate himself to empty himself so that he doesn't exist if I don't exist I cannot be harmed this is the child's message also as an adult i am not here i am my false self i am not here i am a fantasy i am not here i am
18. 06:23 what you want me to be a codependent or borderline i am not here because you own my mind let alone my body i am not the strategy this kind of child develops is a strategy of self negation the message is I'm an absence i am not a presence i am not a being i am a non-being not an
19. 06:49 entity i'm a non- entity
20. 06:57 she is un unwilling unable to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of the child so the child needs learns to not have feelings and to not have needs to self-deny don't be impressed by the narcissist uh coercive techniques of gratifying
21. 07:22 himself he's not gratifying himself he's gratifi gratifying a harsh master his false self which is often coupled with a harsh inner critic so the child of a narcissistic mother learns to deny his needs to eliminate his wishes to suppress uh any demands he may have
22. 07:48 actually the false self is his mother he designs he creates the false self to resemble his mother the false self is godlike omnipotent omniscient exactly like mother infallible never makes mistakes harsh demanding disempathic it's mother for selfish mother
23. 08:16 caricature of a child later adult adult requires excessive admiration has a sense of entitlement and so on and the mother also feels entitled she feels entitled to her child's unbridled admiration to her child's time and physical presence she has unreasonable
24. 08:38 expectations of the child she demands favorable treatment automatic compliance and so on so forth the child learns to obey it's obey or die because the narcissistic mother if I mean would not hesitate to neglect the child to the point of death a child
25. 09:00 who does not fulfill her needs who does not cater to his psychological demands a child who does not serve her is a dead child anyhow
26. 09:17 all in all there's an unstable and intense interpersonal relationship between the mother and the child characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation devaluation is disastrous as far as a child is concerned it ruins his ability
27. 09:40 to regulate his own sense of selfworth his self-esteem his self-confidence and ultimately his self-perception and self-image in short it engenders in the child an identity disturbance there's no core identity there's no one there the mother hollows out the child empties the
28. 10:01 child from the inside by refusing to allow the child to define his boundaries through her gaze it's the mother's gaze that allow the ch allows the child to realize this is mommy and this is me she gazes at me because I'm external to her and so her gaze tells me that I'm not
29. 10:26 her so now I can individuate i can separate i can individuate i can become me the mother's gaze is the first boundary and the first periphery of an emerging sense of self
30. 10:48 what happens with this kind of child who is exposed to a borderline mother this kind of child has multiple self states they do not coalesce they do not cohhere they do not do not communicate with each other effectively in short this kind of child becomes dissociative
31. 11:08 dissociation is a defense against pain and hurt and in the case of the child the dissociation keeps the self states separate from each other so that some of them are better equipped to absorb the m the the mother's emanation of anhidonia depression grieving pain hurt a
32. 11:33 borderline mother is a painful mother
33. 11:43 borderline mothers are unstable they are unstable in a variety of of fields they are unstable in interpersonal relationships they have an identity disturbance their self-image fluctuates their effects are up and down they have mood liability the their values and beliefs beliefs
34. 12:06 change from one day to another they are marketkedly impulsive so this extremely volatile fluctuating labile environment is perceived by the child is as ominous threatening the absolute antithesis absolute opposite of a secure base in the absence of a secure base the
35. 12:34 child cannot separate from the mother and explore the world because he's afraid that once he had finished exploring the world mother will be gone in short there is a problem with introject constancy the child is unable to internalize mother convert her into an internal object and
36. 12:57 trust that in her constancy trust that she will always be there for him the mother coerces the child to become a source of supply she insists on the child affirming confirming reflecting um her grandiose inflated fantastic um construct narrative
37. 13:28 story piece of fiction about who she is so it's very coercive it's a coercive environment and if a child fails to agulate her to admire her to the child is punished child learns gradually to become a service provider and his mother's parent
38. 13:59 the child has access through the world almost exclusively through the mother's cognition the child obtains a deformed defective and distorted view of his reality is he he acquires impaired reality testing child also learns that his existence is conditional
39. 14:24 contingent upon the mother's gaze the child learns that to exist means to be seen to be noticed yes child is becoming a narcissist and this deformity of reality leads the child of course to wrong decision making this wrong decision making persists into adulthood
40. 14:51 mate selection for example the child also learns to associate the world with his mother because as I said initially the child is symbiotic with the mother child is one with the mother and everything is mediated through the mother's You