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1. 00:02 as you all know by now the narcissist is God's gift to the world a kind of the second coming or an inverted Jesus the narcissist is here the narcissist blesses us with his or her presence half of all narcissists are women the narcissist is a kind of emanation
2. 00:26 it's a kind of apparition that somehow makes our lives richer better more endowed the narcissist bestows himself upon us and we should be grateful for it we are having the unique experience this idiosyncratic event of the narcissist manifestation in our lives
3. 00:54 my name is Sam Vaknin and I am the author of malignant self- loveve narcissism revisited and I am a gifted professor of psychology I think so here's a narcissist privilege to be in his presence in his ambit um an enormous honor to spend time with him share his space
4. 01:25 um you are blessed to benefit from his attention and goodwill the narcissist is a scarce and rare resource and your ability to interact with the narcissist especially on a regular basis is something you should cherish something you should elevate in your own
5. 01:52 mind is the best thing that has has ever happened to you and so in the narcissist's mind because he is such a cosmically significant figure because he is the fountain source of benevolence and
6. 02:13 redemption and absolution and everything that's good and everything that's benign and everything that's commendable many narcissists consider themselves close to to having occupied the high moral ground many narcissists are pro-social and believe that they are being altruistic and
7. 02:35 charitable be the the case as it may the narcissist definitely considers himself a unique presence and an ingredient and component and element in your lives without which your lives are more constricted and impoverished he brings color to the gray existence
8. 03:06 quidity that is you and so the narcissist feels entitled having endowed you with all these gifts having bestowed upon you his supreme magnanmity and benevolence the narcissist believes you should give something in return he expects as a minimum your ostentatious and
9. 03:29 conspicuous gratitude but even more so he fully uh believes that you should translate this gratitude into tangibles the narcissist thinks that he's entitled to concessionary special treatment you must adopt to him he must never
10. 03:50 adapt to you there is a there is an issue here of control entitlement is a form of control and entitlement also butresses and sustains and maintains a narcissist sense of grandiosity of being this perfect entity that is godlike and endowed with omnipotence and omniscience
11. 04:16 entitlement creates a hierarchy the entitled person is above the service providers who cater to his needs and finally entitlement legitimizes or legitimates entitlement allows the narcissist to sadistically bully and over time the sadistic bullying is perceived as fully justified
12. 04:45 so entitlement caters to many psychological needs of the narcissist entitlement fits into plugs into other behaviors for example manipulative machavelianism control freakery um coercive shared fantasy an attempt to force you into delusionality confirmed to the
13. 05:12 narcissist that he is um um omnipotent and omnisient and that the false self is not false it establishes a hierarchy between the narcissist and everyone around him and allows the narcissist to engage in sadistic bullying with self-imputed impunity the narcissist
14. 05:35 position is defiant take it or leave it
15. 05:42 it's my way or the highway the narcissist conditions are set in stone and you must accept these conditions if you don't you are stupid perhaps or you are irrational or you're just being spoiled brattish or maybe um you are malevolent and conspiring somehow
16. 06:03 against the narcissist your refusal to submit to the narcissist externalize entitlement your when you decline the narcissist's offer to have the privilege of serving him something is wrong with you narcissist from time to time does apologize but the narcissist apology is a highly
17. 06:31 specific structure it's not a real apology it's a pseudo apo a apology or a quasi apology the apology is framed in a way and couched in terms that actually render the narcissist absolved of any guilt or recrimination the apology is tentative it's contingent it's conditional
18. 07:02 the first part establishes the conditions upon which the pseudo apology might one day may one day be converted into a real apology which is never the second part of the apology contains a long litany of grievances and excuses i may have misbehaved and I'm offering
19. 07:24 you a kind of contingent or conditional apology but you should know that I've been fully justified in misbehaving that my misconduct rests on firm moral foundations that there are many reasons why I be misbehaved the way I did and many of these reasons have to do with
20. 07:45 you the recipient of my malice and rancor and traculence and irribility and uh and so on this attraious background of the narcissist rage and envy and seething toxicity is fully justified in the narcissist's mind so the narcissist might say for example I
21. 08:10 behaved the way I did because I am in the throws of a life crisis you don't know how bad things are for me and that justifies my misconduct i abuse you i torture you i mistreat you because I'm going through a difficult patch because I'm having a difficult period analysis
22. 08:30 is mine this is completely reasonable it's a syllogism that rests on firm foundations nothing wrong with this argument as far as is concerned and finally the last part because everything in a narcissist world is divided in three so the apology starts with a
23. 08:49 pseudo contingent premise proceeds to the excuses or the justifications of the narcissist misconduct and end with ends with blameshifting and guilt tripping your it was your behavior that brought brought on the narcissist's misconduct or you are much worse than the
24. 09:13 narcissist maybe the narcissist is abusing you but you're abusing him even more so or something you have done have has triggered the narcissist's abuse or the very fact that you're demanding an apology the very fact that you're expecting one cast you as someone who is
25. 09:35 not kind not empathic not compassionate not nice and so on and so forth so these are the three elements in the narcissist apology and they reflect the narcissist entitlement and the narcissist belief that he should be subject to special social concessions for example he should
26. 09:56 never really apologize because he never does anything wrong in his own eyes and when he does when he when he engages in misdeeds when he egregiously misbehaves misbehaves misbehave that then it's not his fault somehow either external circumstances
27. 10:18 have caused it or you brought it on or something this is known as aloplastic defenses so the narcissist is your own special gift that keeps giving unfortunately it keeps giving mostly abuse demanding entitlement and punishment if you don't succumb if you are not subservient if
28. 10:47 you don't submit yourself the narcissist insists on a hierarchy where he is not only dominant but he has the full right to monopolize all the resources of the relationship and you are there to make sure this happens