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1. 00:01 we've all heard of idealization and devaluation and discard and you name it but two much neglected phases in the narcissist shared fantasy in the narcissist's relationship with you are spotting and auditioning and today we're going to focus on these two and how can
2. 00:23 you mitigate their adverse consequences how can you resist spotting and auditioning that is if you're not masochistic and want to end up in a relationship with a narcissist in which case bye-bye move to another channel my name is San Vakn and I'm the
3. 00:41 author of Malignant Self-Love Narcissism Revisited and I'm a professor of psychology um just to remind you there's a 3 days free seminar in Scorpia the beautiful capital of the Republic of North Macedonia 3 days free of charge scientific evidence for narcissistic
4. 01:05 abuse healing and recovery by yours truly so you're all invited it's May 22nd to May 25th and in the description you can find links and so on all you need to do is reserve your seat by writing to me at sambakin@gmail.com or contact at vr foundation.net okay that's the seminar
5. 01:36 there's also a short or two shorts actually which deal with the seminar on my channel now before we go into the spotting and auditioning phases which are the very very initial um stages of the shared fantasy the stages that uh kind of trigger the shed
6. 01:54 fantasy or anticipate the shared fantasy or bring it into motion before we do before we go there I would like you to watch the video titled how narcissist tests you three times will you pass the link is in this in the description once again okay idealization is a much later stage
7. 02:16 in the interpersonal relationships of narcissists the shared fantasy which is the way the narcissist organizes and makes sense of his personal relationships the shared fantasy starts much earlier with spotting with two phases called spotting and auditioning
8. 02:40 now spotting and auditioning or especially spotting usually occur in something called the pathological narcissistic space or appropriately PNS the role of the PNS is very crucial the pathological narcissistic space is a physical space it could be the
9. 03:03 narcissist uh regular pub a church his workplace a classroom uh the neighborhood it's a place it's a physical place where the narcissist feels comfortable egoonic and he goes there to secure obtain extract narcissistic supply and equally importantly to scout for new
10. 03:31 participants in his shared fantasy new sources of narcissistic supply new intimate partners in short new targets or new victims as you would have it when the narcissist enters physically a pathological narcissistic space he immediately begins to scan everyone
11. 03:53 there this is the phase known as spotting in the spotting phase the narcissist stares glares analyzes accumulates data scans it's it's a kind of um a scanner machine um he usually freezes not always but usually he either freezes in a specific location or he seats himself
12. 04:25 somewhere a strategically located place he sits there and he just sweeps the room with his eyes trying to gather as much information as possible to obtain this critical data the narcissist uses cold empathy cold empathy is a combination of cognitive
13. 04:47 empathy and reflexive empathy but without the emotional component without effective empathy the narcissist uses cold empathy to penetrate people's masks the persona people's presentations people's defenses narcissist uh sports and that is why it's called
14. 05:08 spotting the narcissist spots vulnerabilities weaknesses frailties chinks in the armor vectors of attack intrusion invasion and penetration the narcissist creates a map of the totality of the individ the targeted individual psychology in a way that allows the
15. 05:29 narcissist to leverage his information to obtain a modicum of control over the target or the victim and then manipulate her and modify her behaviors her cognitions her emotions her choices her decisions ultimately leading her to participate in into shared fantasy as a
16. 05:50 source of narcissistic supply and other things which we'll come I'll come into I'll come to later so that's the first stage you see someone entering let's say a pub let's discuss a pub see someone entering a pub he enters the door claps behind him he
17. 06:09 stands he stands and he scans the room but he doesn't scan the roomhapazardly or incidentally or he scans the room more like an intelligence officer or an interrogating policeman cup you know he scans the room professionally kind of and then he sits
18. 06:30 somewhere he positions himself somewhere and continues to scan the room staring glaring analyzing visibly his brain is on hyperdrive the first thing you could do is to avoid pathological narcissistic spaces some uh online and offline spaces are prone to
19. 06:55 narcissists they are inviting as far as a narcissist is concerned i mentioned a pub a nightclub a dating app these are spaces virtual and real where the narcissist feels most comfortable and the yield on his investment the return on investment would be much higher the
20. 07:15 chances of of of spotting locating identifying a potential target or victim is much higher on a dating app than for example in a neighborhood watch meeting is much higher in a pub or a nightclub than in a library so avoid these locations where
21. 07:36 narcissists and psychopaths are likely to congregate and if you do go there go accompanied with a best friend with with a neighbor with a colleague don't go alone don't display vulnerabilities there don't cry don't complain loudly don't bemoan your fate and destiny don't
22. 08:02 don't share confidences in such locations in public but not only in public but where narcissists and psychopaths are likely to infest the place and roam so when you find yourself subjected to the narcissist stare his glare his scanning and his evident analysis of you shy
23. 08:27 away avoid eye contact walk away surround yourself with other people talk to them vis ostentatiously conspicuously and never allow yourself to be flattered by the attention attention is the coinage that the narcissist uses to make initial contact with you don't be
24. 08:53 flattered realize that you're being manipulated if a narcissist looks at you all wrapped and amazed visibly moved to tears and reduced to a quivering mass that's not because you are special it's not because you have had an an inordinate impact on the narcissist it's
25. 09:13 because he wants to manipulate you he wants to cater to your own narcissism grandiosity and defenses he wants to pinpoint the exact areas he should focus on the exact vectors of penetration the exact chinks in your armor that he can slither through into your insides and
26. 09:39 then consume you from the inside reducing you to a writhing empty shell so don't go there don't start don't comply don't collaborate don't collude don't participate avoid shun walk away withdraw act defensive and protect you how can you tell the difference
27. 10:07 between a guy who is just interested in you and a narcissist who wants to devour you the intensity the intensity the frequency and the unrelenting nature so a guy if he's attracted to you is likely to sneak a few a few looks at you a few of you but the narcissist
28. 10:27 would stare at you consistently unremittingly unflinchingly unblinkingly for hours you know that something is wrong your gut trust your gut trust your intuition if it looks creepy and all right it is because it is creepy and all right on the other hand if it looks too good to
29. 10:48 be true it is not true so this is the spotting phase after this initial contact if you were vulnerable enough possibly stupid enough to respond to the narcissist's unspoken advances to vibrate to his frequency to quiver as he queries you it is in this
30. 11:14 stage that the narcissist would make initial contact but it is not a normal type of contact he's not interested in you he's interested in what you can give him he's interested in what he can take from you he's interested in the synergy in the sense that how can you augment
31. 11:36 him how can you allow him to idealize himself how can you help him to butress preserve sustain maintain and enhance his self-concept and his shared fantasy how can you give him narcissistic supply and so on so forth so the initial contact with the narcissist we are
32. 11:54 transitioning now from spotting to auditioning the initial contact in the auditioning phase is comprised of three tests test number one are you capable of being idealized do you have minimal traits minimal assets minimal behaviors that allow the narcissist to conjure up
33. 12:15 an image of you which has nothing to do with you which is ideal which is divine which is endowed which is perfect convert you into a perfect being so there's a certain minimum standards and these min there are certain minimum standards and these minimum standards
34. 12:33 are necessary to allow the narcissist to create to spin around you this piece of fiction this narrative that would render you someone completely different that's the first test are you capable of being idealized and it's not only about your assets and endowments it's also about
35. 12:53 your character are you irritable are you irrassible are you resistant are you traculent are you rejecting are you offensive and so on so forth if you're not submissive if you're not submissive narcissist has no use for you number two test number two are you
36. 13:13 able to provide two of the four S's mind you to remind you the four S's are sex supply narcissistic or sadistic in case the narcissist is a sadist services and safety being present as a maternal figure with unconditional love regardless of egregious abuse so
37. 13:34 the narcissist scans you gathers information whether you you find him irresistible are you enthusiastic about him physically and otherwise would you be consensual and submissive prone to kink and sexual fantasies un unbounded maybe even self-trashing and promiscuous
38. 13:57 if you are then you could in all probability provide him with a sex that he's looking for which is essentially autoerotic sex murbatory sex where you are objectified and used as a sex toy or an inflatable toy narcissist lacks and needs certain types of
39. 14:20 services so he's going to check you out do you drive i'm not kidding do you have a car do you know how to cook do you know how to keep home he makes this list this inventory of your skills and you need to provide a minimum of services then there's a
40. 14:40 question of supply narcissistic or sadistic are you capable capable of adoring and agilating him are you uncritical are you submissive are you mistic are you self-loathing great if you are then you are the perfect source of narcissistic supply and finally the
41. 14:56 narcissist needs safety he lack lacks object consency he needs to have a maternal figure in his life a mother who would love him unconditionally regardless of his extreme misbehavior misconduct abuse so he would check out if you are an addictive personality are you capable
42. 15:18 of maternal bonding are you loyal are you inertial are you codependent and that would be the third test uh the part of the second test I'm sorry the test of the four S's and the third test is are you vulnerable to the shared fantasy are you damaged are you broken are you a
43. 15:40 daydreamer uh do you abhore reality are you overly romantic even as a friend are you grandiose do you have a self-love deficit as Ross Rosenberg calls it so are you vulnerable to fantasy do you are you likely to reject reality and replace it with the narcissist version and
44. 16:00 substitute having passed these three tests and I call this process auditioning having auditioned you if you pass these three tests that very evening the narcissist is be will begin to love bomb you so he he spots you he sits next to you he makes contact if you are aminable to his
45. 16:21 advances he makes contact he he auditions you he uses the free test to determine whether you would be a likely partner a good participant in the shared fantasy contributing factor in his well-being gave him everything he needs and so on and then if you pass these
46. 16:40 three tests if you pass the audition the narcissist moves on to the lovebombing stage which is the precursor of idealization love bombing and idealization are not the same it's a common mistake online the lovebombing stage is intended to convince you of the
47. 17:00 narcissist intentions the idealization phase is intended to convince the narcissist that you are a worthy adequate partner so focus is completely different love bombing is about you idealization is about the narcissist a narcissist idealizes you essentially in
48. 17:24 order to idealize himself avoid the spotting and auditioning phases and you are very unlikely to end up in the clutches of the narcissist you're very unlikely to end up as a victim of narcissistic abuse you have been warned