Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. When Narcissist is Also Codependent: Inverted Narcissist Compilation (Odd Couple Series)

1. 00:00 [Music]
2. 00:12 take one narcissist cross it with a codependent and the hybrid that results is known as inverted narcissist this is the topic of today’s compilation you will learn a bit more about the psychodynamics and psychology of the inverted narcissist you will
3. 00:35 listen to testimonies from dozens of of inverted narcissist and their relationships with classic narcissist and we will discuss also a variety of e theologies causation of inverted narcissism in early childhood in dysfunctional families and so on and so
4. 00:55 forth I would like to emphasize three points inverted narcissis are in the throws in the middle of a shared fantasy with the overt grandio narcissist the inverted narcissist idealizes herself through the overt grandio narcissist in her life this is a process known as co-
5. 01:20 idealization my my narcissist is ideal my narcissist is perfect my narcissist is a genius drop that gorgeous what have you rich famous and so on and so that makes me special this is the core of the of the inverted narcissist shared fantasy she deres her narcissistic Supply
6. 01:48 vicariously through the status or accomplishments or traits of her intimate partner who is invariably an overt grandio find in your face kind of narcissist so shared fantasy Co idealization an external regulation watch the interview I I granted to the psychotherapist darosa from
7. 02:16 Poland clinical psychologist and we discuss the issue of external regulation there at length and finally it’s important to emphasize that inverted narcissist are narcissist on the one hand but on the other hand the codependence invented narcissist are
8. 02:35 a subspecies or subtype of a covert narcissis the codependency part manifests classically clinging neediness external regulation dependency Etc it’s important to emphasize that codependents are manipulative they control from the bottom they use use they leverage their
9. 03:02 neediness and clinging to modify the behaviors of people around them most importantly the intimate partner the codependent is preoccupied with control with preventing the prevention of Abandonment exactly like the borderline and sometimes they’re indistinguishable
10. 03:23 the inverted narcissist is the worst of all possible worlds it’s a narcissist it’s it’s a covert narcissist it’s a codependent it controls from the bottom it enjoys everything vicariously at the same time it is fragile and brittle and shy and withdrawn and introverted and
11. 03:43 you name it it’s angry it’s passive aggressive etc etc to learn more about the inverted narcissist there’s a link in the description to a sprawling text about this diagnosis which I was the first to describe to propose and IO in the phrase inverted
12. 04:03 narcissist so enjoy the compilation learn more about this highly highly specific variant of covert narcissism where the this particular type of covert narcissist C- depends on an overt grandio narcissist
13. 04:30 so hello everyone uh today we have a special guest and I would love to introduce him first is a professor Sam vagin the author of The pioneering work of narcissist abuse malignant self- love narcissism Revisited he is also a professor of finance and psychology in C
14. 04:52 uh Center for international Advanced and professional studies hello Professor thank you for having me hello dar hello today I would love to speak with you about um inverted narcissist I think it’s really interesting uh topic and uh not so popular on especially polish um
15. 05:15 YouTube uh site so I would love to uh yeah ask you some question about that yeah sure go ahead yeah okay so my first question will be do we know developmental roots for of inverted narcissist do we know any inverted narcissism is a form of covert
16. 05:38 narcissist it’s just a covert narcissist who derives her narcissistic Supply from an overt narcissist she teams up with an overt narcissist and she buks in his glory it’s a little like the moon and the sun she doesn’t have a light over her own
17. 05:57 and her light is the reflected light of the sun the sun is the overt narcissist and she’s the inverted narcissist but it’s a type of covert narcissist who can be only with an overt grandio narcissist she cannot have any other type of intimate partner I’m saying this effectively to
18. 06:21 answer your question because the same developmental path that leads to the formation of narcissism leads to the formation of inverted narcissism it’s just a form of narcissism so we would be talking about parents especially mother who are unavailable to the child in a variety of
19. 06:40 ways an absent mother depressive mother selfish mother narcissistic mother Etc or parents especially mother who breach the boundaries of the child don’t allow the child to separate and to develop boundaries so this could be a mother who instrumentalizes her child uses the
20. 07:01 child to realize her wishes dreams and Fantasies a mother who parenes the child uses the child as a parent figure a mother who um engages in emotional ambient incest with a child a mother who treats the child as an intimate partner for example etc etc all
21. 07:23 these Developmental Pathways lead to classical narcissism but they also lead to covert narcissism and a Sub Sub sub type of covert narcissist is the inverted narcissist okay and why only The Identical types of NPD and inverted narcissist can survive in a long-term
22. 07:45 relationship why it’s like that actually actually it’s not the only case any any opposite types of narcissism can survive together so for example a somatic narcissist can survive very well with a cerebral narcissis uh an inverted narcissis can survive very well with an overt
23. 08:05 narcissis a covert can survive well with an overt any two opposing types of narcissism can and do very often form long-term relationships which are very stable as opposed to the the mythology online um borderline personality disorder for example resembles very much covert
24. 08:30 narcissism in many respects and this is why narcissists often team up with borderlines MH and while the relationship itself is fiery and stormy and tumultuous and crazy making and you know it’s still very longterm and and inherently stable so the drama is stable in a way
25. 08:55 the excitement the crazy making they’re predictable they features of their relationship but the relationship itself is functional for both parties it is possible to cater to the Pathology of your intimate partner and by doing so creating a long-term Bond and attachment
26. 09:15 with the with that partner enabling for example is an ex enabling is an example of such Behavior where you enable the partners dysfunctional behaviors and you create a form of dependency and so it’s a long stable relationship the invented narcissist fails fails to satisfy her
27. 09:38 basic pathological needs she cannot obtain Supply she’s shy she’s fragile she’s vulnerable she is not self-efficacious her false self is very primitive the grandiosity is often challenged and so on so she gives up she’s avoidant she simp gives up on life
28. 10:00 on reality and on other people and she finds an overt narcissist an overt narcissist is very efficient at obtaining Supply and she tells him I will be yours I will be submissive I will be subserviant anything you want in whatever field I will always be here for
29. 10:20 you I never abandon you I will act as your maternal figure I will do anything you ask me to but you bring home not money you bring home narcissistic Supply and you bring home supply for both of us because I can’t get my share and so the overt narcissist goes out to the world
30. 10:40 and becomes for example famous or a celebrity and then the inverted narcissis feels that she is married to a famous guy and that’s her Supply her Supply is to be is Vicarious by proxy yeah so can we say that for example we have the same CR criteria for NPD and
31. 11:03 inverted narcissist but uh it manifests differently uh this is also the case not totally I will read to you the first of all the the the diagnosis of inverted narcissist is something that I came up with in the in the 90s at that time I saw two lacunas two missing areas
32. 11:27 missing diagnostic areas one was what I called inverted narcissis and the other one was covert borderline covert borderline is a cross between borderline and narcissist but on a permanent basis it’s like a permanent comorbidity and it was missing the
33. 11:43 covert borderline thing is sorely missing because we see many borderlines who behave very much like narcissist or even Psychopaths and we don’t have a proper diagnosis with them and so I suggested cover borderline similarly I saw so covert narciss who team up all
34. 12:03 the time with other narcissist they are parasitic on other nysis and I said there’s a diagnosis missing here or sub diagnosis so I created a set of diagnostic criteria and here are the diagnostic criteria for inverted narcissism possesses a rigid sense of lack of
35. 12:26 selfworth so in the classic nissis the sense of self-worth fluctuates goes up and down and the classic narcissist uses narcissistic Supply to regulate the sense of self-worth in the inverted narcissist there is no sense of self-worth zero self-esteem zero
36. 12:49 self-confidence the inverted narcissist is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success power Brilliance and beauty or of an ideal love so she’s identical psych psychodynamically she’s identical to the narcissist they both share the same fantasies the Fantasy
37. 13:07 Defense is the same criteria number three she believes that she’s absolutely not unique and not special worthless and not worthy of merger with the fantasized ideal she believes that no one at all could understand her because she’s innately un Unworthy of being
38. 13:30 understood the invent agnosis becomes very agitated the more one tries to understand her because that also offends against her righteous sense of being properly excluded from the human race so you can see it’s the mirror image of the Nar I can see she demands anonymity in
39. 13:53 the sense of seeking to remain excluded at all costs and in the background she’s intensely irritated and uncomfortable with any attention being paid to her and in this sense she has a schizoid core she’s very muchis she feels that she is undeserving and she is not entitled she
40. 14:13 doesn’t have entitlement she is extinguish extinguishing selfless sacrificial even unctuous in her interpersonal relationships she’s a people pleaser to the extreme she avoids the assistance of other people at all costs she can only interact with other people when she can
41. 14:33 be seen to be giving supportive altruistic charitable and expending an unusual effort to assist to be useful and helpful she lacks empathy exactly like the narcissist she is intensely attuned to other people’s needs but only in so far as it relates to her own need
42. 14:54 to perform the required self-sacrifice which in turn Le is necessary in order for the inverted narcissist to obtain her narcisstic Supply from the primary narcissist I will explain this the inverted narcissist needs to sacrifice herself to the to to her narcissistic partner okay
43. 15:17 you know when the narcissist when the classic narcissist becomes a narcissist in childhood the classic narcissist sacrifices his true self to the false self the classic narcissist destroys his true self in order to become the false self the same with the inverted
44. 15:39 narcissist she destroys herself she sacrifices herself like human sacrifice to become one with her God which is her narcissistic intimate partner so she needs to disappear she needs to vanish in order to repp appear inside the intimate partner it’s a form of merger
45. 16:03 and fusion later if you wish I will compare it to borderline it’s a very borderline picture yeah yeah the next Criterion is Envy the invented narcissist envies other people she cannot conceive of being envied and she becomes extremely agitated and
46. 16:23 uncomfortable if even brought into a situation where comparison might occur she loes competition she hates competition she avoids competition at all costs if there is any chance of actually winning the competition or being singled out for any accomplishment
47. 16:42 and finally she displays extreme shyness lack of any real relational connections she’s publicly self facing in the extreme is internally highly moralistic and critical of other people she’s a perfectionist she engages in lengthy ritualistic behaviors obsessive
48. 17:02 compulsive which can never be perfectly performed not necessarily to the full extent exhibited in obsessive compulsive personality disorder she has Notions of being individual she has Notions that being individualistic is bad being individualistic is AA to her now there
49. 17:22 are Scholars who suggested that there is a form of narcissism which is found founded on masochism and it’s called The anti- Narcissist anti- narcissist masochistic subtype I have a video dedicated to it the inverted narcissist combines masochism borderline features and
50. 17:46 codependent features she combines them in a way which eliminates her which destroys her which makes her disappear and vanish so that she can become one with the intimate partner and when she becomes one with the intimate partner she can directly enjoy his narcissistic
51. 18:08 Supply and gratify her own need for Supply so she is a Lot Like A Parasite she enters the body like a parasite enters the body and eats your food intestinal parasite enters your body and eats your food that’s what the inverted narcissist does she merges with the with
52. 18:28 the narcissist enters his mind and benefits from anything that happens to him any narcisstic Supply okay so could you elaborate more about what you mentioned uh already about inverted and borderline yes thank you all three types the borderline the
53. 18:52 codependent and the inverted which is a subtype of covert narcissism as masochistic self-denying subtype of covert narcissist also known as masochistic anti narcissist by the way Ellen raport calls it narcissist codependent I was the first to suggest
54. 19:11 this diagnosis but other Scholars took it and they changed the names or built on it and so on and one of the most widespread tests for covert narcissism is actually based on my work on inverted narcissism and luckily they mentioned it they give me credit which is so
55. 19:34 um borderline codependent and the inverted type of covert narcissism they all have a few things in common the most important is the Outsourcing of internal functions to an intimate partner handing handing over important internal processes into to an intimate partner the
56. 20:02 borderline comes to the intimate partner and she says I want you to regulate my emotions I want you to stabilize my moods by being there all the time for me by not abandoning me I want you to create in me peace of mind inner peace object con
57. 20:30 I want you to become a part of my mind I want you to become what we call in Psychology an external re-regulated and so the borderline gradually disappears more and more of her internal functions performed in healthy people internally more and more of them are
58. 20:52 given to the intimate partner he becomes an extension of her and she gradually vanishes which is why borderlines react with panic when they become intimate with someone they react with panic it’s known as engulfment anxiety and that’s why borderlines
59. 21:14 approach an intimate partner and avoid and then avoid the intimate partner approach avoidance repetition compulsion because they really give the intimate partner full Mastery and control over their brains over their mind this is the borderline yes the codependent
60. 21:35 approaches the interet partner and says I want you to cater to all my needs I want you to take care of all my needs in a way I want to become a total infant I want to become one month old I want you to feed me and to hold me and to love me and to I want you to do everything for
61. 21:57 me I’m going to cling to you and I’m going to show you my neediness and I’m going to blackmail you emotionally by telling you what will happen to me if you don’t fulfill my needs the bad things that will happen to me this is the codependent strategy the
62. 22:15 borderline is focused on emotions emotional regulation the codependent is focused on needs fulfillment the inverted narcissist approaches the intimate partner and and similar to the borderline and similar to the codependent she makes a deal she
63. 22:33 strikes a deal with the intimate partner she says I want you to take care of my need for narcissistic Supply without narcissistic Supply I will die I will fall apart because I’m a narcissist but I’m a dysfunctional type of narcissist I’m not a very self-efficacious type of
64. 22:54 narcissist I don’t know how to get supply I fail to get supply I’m too shy I’m too introverted I’m too fragile I’m too depressed I can’t get supply I want you to procure supply for me you get me the supply now Supply in narcissism is the same like emotional
65. 23:15 regulation in borderline same function it stabilizes the narcissist it stabilizes for example the sense of selfworth it has a stabilizing and Regulatory function the supply in narcissism is regulatory the emotions in borderlines borderline needs to be
66. 23:35 regulated so the partners of Border lights codependence and inverted narcissist regulate the internal environment of these pathological types that’s where the commonality that’s where they they have a lot in common okay thank you thank you for that
67. 23:55 uh it’s showing a lot m another question that I have for you can an inverted narcissist in become become a classic narcissist is there any terms that it can happen and if yes when no one knows no one knows because I invented the diagnosis it’s still being
68. 24:19 studied it’s I invented it not long ago like 25 years ago is nothing in terms of Psych so no one no one knows yet I can speculate I can speculate a covert narcissist can definitely become an overt narcissist an overt narcissist can definitely become
69. 24:37 covert narcissis there is no type constancy and I have a theory about how this happens it’s the collapse mortification Theory when the overt narcissis collapses he cannot obtain Supply yes and then under goes mortification he becomes covert and vice
70. 24:55 versa and similarly cerebral transitions to somatic somatic transitions tries to transition to cerebral if he has the brain Etc so there is no type constancy in narcissism which is very confusing to to people to diagnosticians to victims to therapist to psychologist because the
71. 25:17 narcissist is a kaleidoscope it’s shape shifting and very little that you know about the narcissis today is going to be valid tomorrow depending on depending on state of collapse I think the only exception is the inverted narcissist because inverted narcissist is not a
72. 25:36 whole type it’s a subtype it’s a Sub sub subtype so I don’t think inverted narcissist could ever become overt however inverted narcissist can become more more covert they can become they’re shy they’re fragile they’re vulnerable but they can become more
73. 26:00 self-centered more defensive more hostile more paranoid they can become a lot more grandiose they can even develop entitlement they can become exploitative they can become less aware of their limitations and shortcomings they can develop a sense of
74. 26:20 guilt they can get in touch with their own shame and so on so forth so while they would still avoid recognition competition they would never seek Supply actively they would still have an impostor syndrome they would have pseudo humility in other words they would have
75. 26:39 false modesty they would ostentatiously modest they would still be pro-social communal altruistic charitable compulsive givers this is typical of inverted narcissist and many covert narcissist they would would be moralistic and moralizing self-righteous
76. 27:01 and so on oh yes all this but they would never cross the threshold into actively seeking Supply I believe this is the only case where there is type constancy um so when they are engulfed and merge with a classic narcissist can they be hurt um by NPD uh as for example help
77. 27:29 personality no Ines are never never hurt by the over they are masochistic they are masochistic subtypes and they’re very very similar to the masochistic anti narcissist which I think I have the only video online on this so I I recommend to watch it but
78. 27:49 it’s it’s in the literature and it’s being studied because they are masochistic they are perfect fit for the overt narcissist because narcissistic abuse is narcissistic supply to the inverted narcissist that’s the irony the the overt the overt narcissist
79. 28:08 misbehavior humiliation rejection pain abuse is to the inverted narcissist a form of Supply because it confirms to her the only type of attachment and bonding that she is capable of masochistic sadistic and it is a form of Supply because it is
80. 28:32 attention it is attention after all if someone abuses you is giving you attention is making you the focus of attention the center of attention because when he’s abusing you he’s not doing anything else with anyone else so you are at the center so inverted
81. 28:48 narcissist perceive abuse is narcissistic Supply if if the grandio narcissist SE Supply outside it’s great because the inverted narcissist gets part of it she gets her commission if the grandio narcissist abuses the inverted Nares it is great because it’s
82. 29:08 a tension it’s a win-win there’s no lose in this situation she is absolutely the perfect fit and in this sense they have a symbiotic relationship exactly like a parasite and it’s a symbiotic not parasitic I’m sorry symbiotic relationship in the sense that
83. 29:27 she gives to the narcissist and she gets from the narcissist and the match is perfect absolutely perect yeah okay so yeah it’s clearly showing how they uh can be in a long-term uh relationship um so yeah totally so I have one more question for today uh about inverted
84. 29:53 narcissist what is the difference between inverted narcissist and the echo because this is the question that people are uh really asking about that especially when I’m mentioning about your theory and uh you know uh they they asking and I think you are a right
85. 30:11 person to to ask you um for that about that echoism was first described rigorously in 2005 but before 2005 there were many conversations online about a possible Echo personal disorder or or what have you echoism is much closer to codependency than to than to inverted
86. 30:38 narcissist the the echo the echo to the to the narcissist is focused on gratifying essentially her needs she is not focused on self Annihilation or S destruction she is not masochistic she is not uh um centered on obtaining Supply that’s a main distinguishing feature the inverted
87. 31:03 narcissist is is 100% about obtaining Supply yes Supply Supply in any form including abuse yes the echo the echo is much more focused on her own personal internal Dynamics and how the narcissist can amplify these Dynamics or cater to these Dynamics and and so on and so
88. 31:24 forth so it’s a much wider she has a much wider area of interaction with the narcissist and so she is much closer to borderline much closer to codependent and indeed I never thought there was any need for echoism I think there is a match between narcissist and specific
89. 31:45 types of pathologies in Intimate partners and this this match um is typical in borderline is typical in codependent and I saw no need to to add another layer which totally doesn’t add to our understanding or doesn’t make us better equipped clinically to deal with the situation or
90. 32:07 so it’s very nice as as a game game word play or something but I didn’t see any utility in it but at any rate even if we do adopt the construct of echoism and there are some voices online and Offline that are studying this actually in November I’m going to have an I’m going
91. 32:25 to have a conversation with someone whose main work is is focused around centered around echoism but still um even if we accept this construct it has very little to do with inverted narcissist inverted narcissist is a narcissist who had decided to eliminate
92. 32:45 herself in order to become someone else that someone else being a source of Supply so where the classic narcissist in interacts with sources of Supply he even internalizes sources of Supply he creates internal representations of sources of Supply
93. 33:08 injects the inverted narcissist wants to become the source of Supply she and that source of Supply is only another narcissist so she chooses another narcissist and then she wants to disappear and become that narcissist the classic is if I’m getting Supply from
94. 33:30 you I don’t want to become you I definitely don’t want to disappear I want you to communicate to me that I exist I want to see myself through your admiring gaze and so by looking into your adoring and admiring eyes I feel alive I feel also separate it allows me to experience
95. 33:54 separation and individuation allows me to become that’s the classic narcissist the inverted narcissist if you are a narcissist she would look at you and she would say wow it would be so wonderful to die and become this narcissist I want to become this narcissist I don’t want
96. 34:14 to be me I don’t want to be at all I want to be this narcissist because he has Supply or she has supply all the time and I want supply all the time so it’s a suicidal mindset in a way mental suicide it’s it’s a merger and fusion to the point of Vanishing it’s not even going
97. 34:35 back to the womb because going back to the womb which is the work of fair baren and gun trade and so going back to the womb is not about disappearing it’s about transitioning to another state the inverter doesn’t want to transition to any state she doesn’t want to have any
98. 34:53 state she wants to become her source of supply and this is unique there’s not nothing like it MH okay I understand and uh thank you so much uh for that I don’t have uh any more questions so I don’t have any more answers so we are perfect fit perfect me
99. 35:15 so thank you so much Professor for your time it’s a Priceless and and talk to you take to you soon bye care bye bye thank you my name is Sam Ving and I’m the author of malignant self-love narcissism Revisited codependents are people who depend on other people for their
100. 35:42 emotional gratification and for the performance of ego or even daily functions codependents are needy demanding and submissive they fear abandonment they clink and they display immature Behavior in an attempt to maintain the relationship with their companion or mate upon whom they
101. 36:05 depend no matter what abuse is inflicted upon the codependent she remains in the relationship by eagerly becoming victims codependence seek to control their
102. 36:21 victimizers there is a type of codependent called inverted narcissist or covert narcissist it is a codependent who exclusively depends on narcissist or we can call it narcissist codependent if you are living with a narcissist if you have a relationship
103. 36:41 with one if you married to a narcissist if you are working with a narcissist that does not mean that you are an inverted narcissist to qualify as an inverted narcissist you must crave to be in a relationship with a narcissist regardless of any Abus inflicted On You
104. 36:58 by by him you must actively seek relationships with narcissists and only with narcissists no matter what your bitter and traumatic past experiences have been you must feel empty and unhappy in relationships with any other kind of person who is not a
105. 37:18 narcissist only then and if you satisfy the other diagnostic criteria of dependent personality disorder only then can you be safely labeled an inverted narcissist pay attention inverted narcissists are narcissists it is clear that hither to there is a neglected type of narcissist
106. 37:42 it is the self effacing the introverted narcissist this is a narcissist who in many respects is a mirror image of the classical narcissist the psychodynamics of the inverted narcissist are not clear and the development roots are not certain inverted narcissist may be the
107. 38:07 uh product of an over winning and domineering parent or caregiver or perhaps excessive abuse leads to the repression of the narcissistic self-defense uh mechanism we don’t know but what we do know is that inverted narcissist are self-effacing sensitive emotionally
108. 38:32 fragile and sometimes socially phobic they derive all their self-esteem and self sense of self-worth from the outside they are pathologically envious they are likely to intermittently engage in abusive and aggressive and violent behaviors but they are more emotionally
109. 38:56 level uh than than the classical narcissist we can distinguish three types of narcissist one The Offspring of neglecting parents the children of such parents default to narcissism as The prominent psychological defense mechanism against abuse and Trauma then we have The
110. 39:20 Offspring of doting smothering and domineering parents these children in internalize their parents’ voices in the form of a s sadistic ideal and immature conscience and they spend their lives trying to be perfect all knowing omnipotent and to be judged a success by these parent
111. 39:47 images and then we have The Offspring of abusive parents these children internalize the abusing demeaning and contemptuous voices they spend their lives in an effort to elicit counter voices from other people and in this way to regulate their
112. 40:06 self-esteem and and fluctuating sense of self-worth it is possible to compose a set of criteria for the inverted narcissist by simply translating the criteria available in the diagnostic and statistical manual for the classical narcism so criteria number one would be
113. 40:29 the inverted narcissist possesses a rigid sense of lack of selfworth the inverted narcissist sense of self-worth does not fluctuate as opposed to the narcissists the inverted narcissist is rather stable but his self-confidence and self-esteem are very
114. 40:51 low whereas The Narcissist devalues others the inverted narcissist devalues herself as an offering as a sacrifice to The Narcissist in her life the inverted narcissist preempts The Narcissist by devaluing herself by actively berating her own achievements or talents inverted
115. 41:12 narcissist is exceedingly distressed when singled singled out for praise or when her actual accomplishments are acknowledged or when her Superior skills are demonstrated she’s afraid that this might endanger her relationship with her narcissist the inverted narcissist is
116. 41:33 compelled to filter all her narcissistic needs through the primary narcissist in her life Independence or personal autonomy are not permitted by the narcissist the inverted narcissist feels Amplified by The Narcissist own accomplishment and successes she lives
117. 41:55 vicariously by proxy as it s she lives someone else’s life her narcissists Criterion two would be the inverted narcissist is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success power Brilliance and beauty or of an ideal love to be accomplished through the narcissistic partner mate or
118. 42:21 spouse again inverted narcissist lives through the narciss nist life she needs him in order to feel that she has accomplished something in her life it is through his successes accomplishments standing in society that she feels enhanced butress and well Criterion three the inverted
119. 42:49 narcissist believe that she is absolutely not unique and not special actually she believes that she’s worthless and Unworthy of merger with a fantasized ideal which is the narcissist she believes that no one at all could understand her because she is innately Unworthy of being
120. 43:10 understood the inverted narcissist becomes very agitated the more one tries to understand her because that also offend offends against her righteous sense of being properly excluded from the human race she feels an outcast
121. 43:29 Criterion four inverted narcissist demands anonymity in the sense of seeking to remain excluded at all costs she’s intensely irritated and uncomfortable with any mention being paid to her with any praise with any attention actually in this sense
122. 43:48 inverted narcissism is very similar to the schizoid personality disorder Criterion five in the inverted narcissist feels that she is undeserving and not entitled to anything remember that classical narcissist feel entitled to everything inverted narcissist is a
123. 44:09 mirror image she feels not entitled to anything she feels that she’s inferior to others lacking insubstantial unworthy unlikable unappealing unlovable someone to scorn and dismiss and to ignore Criterion six the verted narcissist is extinguish is
124. 44:30 extinguishing selfless she’s sacrificial she’s even unctuous in her interpersonal relationships she avoids the assistance of others at all costs she can only interact with others when she can be seen to be giving supportive and expending an unusual effort to assist so
125. 44:49 she is sacrificial she sacrifices herself but ostentatiously in full View Criterion seven the inverted narcissist lacks empathy like the classical narcissist she is intensely attuned to others needs but only in so far as it relates to her own need to perform the required
126. 45:14 self-sacrifice she needs to self-sacrifice in order to obtain her narcissistic Supply from the primary narcissist she sacrifices herself to the narcissist and that’s how she gets a narcissist Supply but to do so she must be attuned to his needs so this is her
127. 45:32 restricted use or leverage of empathy Criterion eight the inverted narcissist envies others she cannot conceive of being envied and becomes extremely agitated and uncomfortable if even brought into a situation where comparison might occur she loes
128. 45:50 competition she avoids competition at all costs if there is any chance of actually winning the competition or being singled out she will stay away in the last Criterion Criterion n the inverted narcissis displays extreme shyness lack of any real relational connections is publicly
129. 46:10 self-effacing is internally highly moralistic and critical of others is a perfectionist she engage engages in lengthy ritualistic behaviors which can never be perfectly performed so in this sense she’s obsessive compulsive Notions of being individualistic are
130. 46:30 anathema to the inverted narcissist in many respects inverted narcissist does not exist except through her primary narcissist her narcissistic spouse or mate or companion in his absence she is just a shadow waiting for the main
131. 46:55 body my name is bin and I’m the author of malignant self- love narcissism Revisited a refresher course two narcissists of the same type somatic cerebral classic compensatory inverted Etc if they are of the same type two narcissist cannot maintain stable
132. 47:18 long-term full-fledged and functional relationship to remind you there are two types of narcissists the somatic narcissist and the cerebral narcissist the somatic type relies on his body and sexuality as sources of narcissistic Supply the cerebral narcissist uses his
133. 47:37 intellect his intelligence and his professional achievements to obtain the same narcissists are either predominantly cerebral or overwhelmingly somatic in other words they either generate the narcissistic Supply by using their bodies or or by flaunting their
134. 47:55 minds if both me members of a couple are cerebral narcissis for instance if both of them are Scholars or academics the resulting competition prevents them from serving as ample sources of narcissistic Supply to each other finally the mutual admiration Society
135. 48:15 crumbles consumed by the pursuit of their own narcissistic gratification these two similar narcissist same type narcissists have no time or energy or will left to to the narcissistic needs of their partner moreover the partner is perceived as a dangerous and vicious
136. 48:34 Contender for a scarce resources a scarce resource of narcisstic Supply this of course is less true if the two narcissists work in totally unrelated academic or intellectual Fields but it still holds what happens if the two narcissists are of different types if
137. 48:55 one of them is cerebral and the other one is somatic then a long-term partnership based on the mutual provision of narcisstic Supply can definitely survive example if one of the narcissist is somatic uses his or her body as a source of narcissistic
138. 49:12 gratification and the other member of the couple is cerebral uses his or her intellect or professional achievements as such a source for Supply well in such a combination such a diet there is nothing to dis stabilize such a collaboration it is even potentially emotionally
139. 49:31 rewarding the relationship between these two narciss this Ral and the somatic resembles the one that exists between an artist and his art or a collector and his collection this can and does change of course as the narcissist involved grow older flaber and less agile
140. 49:49 intellectually the sematic narcissist is also prone to multiple sexual relationships and Encounters in to support histic and sexual self-image cheating and adultery are not taken kindly even by cerebral narciss these May subject the relationship to
141. 50:08 fracturing strains but all in all and generally speaking a stable and enduring relationship can and often does develop between dissimilar narciss but this rule that Opposites Attract cerebral somatic somatic cerebral this rule does not apply to a classic inverted narcissist
142. 50:33 pairing cerebral Nares tend to pair with inverted cerebral Nares inverted cerebral narcissists are the only ones who can appreciate the intellectual accomplishments of cerebral narcissist and they appropriate the inverted narcissist appropriates the
143. 50:54 accomplishments of the classic invert the cerebral narcissist as their own so in a couple where one of the members is cerebral narcissist and the other is an inverted cerebral narcissis the cerebral narcissis generates Fame recognition celebrity and the inverted cerebral
144. 51:14 narcissist appreciates the accomplishment of the cerebral narcissist and appropriates these accomplishments feeling that he had a contribution similarly somatic narcissist tend to bond with their inverted somatic counterparties though content to derive
145. 51:36 her narcissistic Supply from the reactions to her intimate Partners achievements the inverted narcissist being of the same type still feels envious and frustrated by her relative obscurity so an inverted cerebral narcissis feels overshadowed by her classic cerebral narcissist
146. 52:00 partner being cerebral or be it inverted she feels that she too should be recognized or can contribute and being unable to do so because of her psychological Dynamics she feels frustrated aggravated Overlook discriminated unjustly ignored in the
147. 52:24 long run such an inverted narcissist succumbs to her self-defeating urges and seeks to ruin the F of her frustration her classic partner despite the fact that he her partner also serves as her Prime and often exclusive source of narcissistic
148. 52:50 Supply my name is s Vin and I’m the author of malignant self- love narcissism visited over the years I have corresponded with many men and women who presented themselves as inverted narcissist to remind you inverted narcissist or covert narcissist or
149. 53:11 narcissist codependent is a codependent who depends exclusively on narcissist so pay attention if you’re living with a narcissist if you have a relationship with one you’re married to one you’re working with one it does not mean that you are an inverted narcissist
150. 53:28 to qualify as an inverted narcissist you must crave to be in a relationship with a narcissist regardless of any abuse inflicted On You by him or her you must actively seek relationships with narcissist and only with narcissist no matter what your bitter and traumatic
151. 53:44 past experiences have been you must feel empty and unhappy in relationships with any other kind of person non- narcissist only then and if you satisfy the the other diagnostic criteria of dependent personality disorder can you safely be labeled as inverted narcissist
152. 54:06 so here’s something a woman has written to me about her upbringing and how it brought about what she believes to be her inverted narcissism in the religious culture I grew up in women are so suppressed their roles are so carefully restricted they
153. 54:25 are the representations In the Flesh of all that is sinful degrading all that is wrong with the world these are the negative gender cultural images that were force fed to us this is the negative otherness of women as defined by men and it was fed to me I was so shy
154. 54:45 withdrawn unable to really relate to people at all from as early as I can remember another woman writes I grew up in the shadow of my father who adored me put me on a pedestal told me I could do or be anything I wanted because I was incredibly bright but he ate me alive I
155. 55:09 was his property in an extension of him I also grew up with a mounting hatred of my narcissist brother who got none of this attention from our father and got no attention from our mother either my function was to make my father look wonderful in the eyes of all Outsiders
156. 55:26 this wonderful parent with the genius wonderkind as his last child the only child of six that he was physically present to raise from the get- go the overvaluation combined with being object ignored or raged at by him when I stepped out of line even the tiniest bit
157. 55:45 these were enough to warp my personality how do narcissists react to competition inverted narcissist how do they react to competition and pathological ening a man an inverted narcissist describes his relationship with a female narcissist quite a rare
158. 56:08 combination he says I have a dynamic that comes up with every single person I get close to where I feel extremely competitive toward and envious of the other person but I don’t act competitive because at the very outset I see myself as the loser in the competition I would
159. 56:26 never dream of trying to beat the other person because I know deep in my heart that they would win and I would be utterly humiliated there are fewer things on earth that feel worse to me than losing a contest and having the other person gloat over me especially if they know
160. 56:42 how much I cared about not losing this is one thing that I actually feel violent about I guess I tend to project the grandiosity part of the narcissistic personality disorder package onto the other person rather or than on a false self of my own so most
161. 56:59 of the time I’m stuck in a state of deep resentment and envy toward her his father to me she’s always far more intelligent likable popular talented self-confident emotionally developed morally good and attractive than I and I really hate her for that I feel
162. 57:16 humiliated by it so it’s incredibly hard for me to feel happy for this person when she has a success because I’m overcome with humiliation about myself this has ruined many a close relationship I tend to get this way about one person at a time usually the
163. 57:32 person who is playing the role of my better half best friends lovers Partners it’s not like I’m unable to be happy for anyone ever or that I envy every person I meet for instance I don’t get obsessed with how rich or beautiful movie stars are or anything like that it only gets
164. 57:49 projected onto this partner person the person I’m depending on most in terms of supplies attention reassurance security building up my self-esteem and so on the really destructive thing that happens continues this man this inverted narcissist he says the really
165. 58:12 destructive thing is that I see her grandio traits as giving her the power to have anything in anyone she wants so I feel a kind of basic insecurity because why should she stay with a loser like me she obviously is so out of my league so really what AM EnV us of is the power
166. 58:36 that all that Talent social ability Beauty Etc gives her to have choices for instance the choice to stay or with me or to leave me whereas I am utterly dependent on her it’s this emotional inequality that I find so humiliating
167. 58:57 um a woman writes I agree with the inverted narcissist designation sometimes I’ve called myself a closet narcissist that is I’ve internalized the value system of grandiosity but have not applied the grandio identity to myself I believe I should be these grandiose things but at
168. 59:18 the same time I know that I’m not and I’m miserable about it so people people don’t think of me as having an inflated ego and indeed I don’t have one but scratch the surface and you will find all these inflated expectations I mean to say that perhaps the parents suppressed every
169. 59:39 manifestation of grandiosity in me it’s very common in Early Child maybe they they have suppressed my narcissism so the the defense mechanism that narcissism is was inverted and internalized in this unusual form uh woman inverted narcissist suggests
170. 60:02 maybe there aren’t too discrete States narcissistic personality disorder versus regular low self-esteem maybe it’s more of a Continuum maybe it’s just the degree and depth of the problem that distinguishes one from other my therapist describes
171. 60:20 narcissistic personality disorder is the inability to love oneself it’s shitty finds it the narcissistic wound is a deep wounding of the sense of self the image of oneself that doesn’t mean that other disorders or for that matter other life stressors can’t also cause low low
172. 60:40 self-esteem but I think narcissistic personality disorder is actually low self-esteem that’s what the disorder is really about an image of yourself that is profoundly negative the inability to attain normal and healthy self-image concludes this inverted narcissist
173. 61:01 woman a woman wrote to me to describe a harrowing childhood which brought about what she believes to be a kind of codependence codependence or narcissist she says yes I am a survivor of child abuse but remember that not all abuse is alike there are different kinds of abuse there
174. 61:25 are different effects my XXX style of abuse had to do with trying to annihilate me as a separate person I also it also had to do with the need to put all his negative selfin onto me to see in me what he hated in himself so I got to play the role of the loser that he secretly
175. 61:47 feared that he was I was flipped back and forth in those roles sometimes i” be a source of narcissistic supply for him at other times I was the receptacle of all his pain and rage sometimes my successes were used to reflect back on him to show off to the rest of the
176. 62:06 family at other times my successes were threatening to my father who suddenly feared that I was Superior to him and had to be squatched I experience emotions that most people I know don’t feel or maybe they do feel them but to far less extreme intensity for example the end
177. 62:26 in comparison competition I feel towards others it’s really intense I experience emotions that most people that that most people don’t feel to that extent I guess I guess most of us have experienced rivalry jealousy being compared to others most of us have felt Envy at
178. 62:45 another success yet most people I know seem able to overcome these feelings to some extent to be able to function normally in a competition for example they may be driven to do their best so they can win but for me the fear of losing and being humiliated is so
179. 63:00 intense that I avoid competition completely I’m terrified of showing people that I care about doing well because it’s so shaming for me if I lose so I underachieve and I pretend that I don’t care most people I know may Envy another person’s good luck or success
180. 63:18 but it doesn’t prevent them from also being happy for them and supporting them but for me when I’m in a competitive Dynamic with someone I can’t hear about any of their successes or compliments they had received Etc I don’t even like to see the person doing good things like
181. 63:34 bringing Thanksgiving leftovers to the sick old guy next door because those things make me feel in fear for not thinking of doing that myself and not having anyone in my life that I do it for it’s just so incredibly F painful for me to see evidence of the other
182. 63:52 person’s good qualities because it immediately brings up my feeling of inferiority I can’t even stand to date someone who looks really good because I’m jealous of their good looks so this deep and obsessive Envy has destroyed my joy in other people all the things about
183. 64:09 other people that I love and take pleasure in is a double-edged sword because I also hate them for it for having these good qualities while presumably I don’t I don’t know do you think this is a garden variety low self-esteem she asked me I know plenty
184. 64:25 of people who suffer from lack of Confidence from timidity social awkwardness hatred of their body feeling unlovable Etc but they don’t have this kind of hostile corrosive resentment of another person for being all the wonderful things that they can’t be or aren’t
185. 64:42 allowed to be Etc one thing I hate is when people are judgmental of me about how I feel as though I can help it it’s like you shouldn’t be so selfish you should feel happy for her that she’s successful and say they don’t understand that I would love
186. 64:58 to feel those things but I can’t I can’t stop the incredible pain that explodes in me when these feelings get triggered and I often can’t even hide the feeling it’s just so overwhelming I feel so damaged sometimes there’s more but that’s a Crux of it for me any anyway
187. 65:19 she concluded her letter be sure to watch the next segment to remind you there are three videos which include correspondents addressed to me written by inverted narcissists most of them women some of them men this is the end of part one on to part
188. 65:48 two my name is Sak and I’m the author of malignant self love narcissism Revisited this is the second second video in a series of three about inverted narcissist I will read aloud letters addressed to me by inverted nissis describing their background inner
189. 66:10 feelings psychological Dynamics reactions to the world how do how does a typical inverted narcissist react to compliments a woman inverted narcissist wrote to me I love getting compliment ments and rewards and do not react negatively to them in some moods when my
190. 66:32 self-hate has gotten triggered I can sometimes get to places where I’m inconsolable because I get stuck in bitterness and self-pity so I doubt the sincerity or the reliability of the good thing that someone is saying to me to try to cheer me up or whatever but if
191. 66:49 I’m in a reasonable modood and someone offers me something good I’m all too happy to accept it I don’t have a stake in staying miserable some women contested the very diagnosis of inverted narcissist the very condition a woman wrote I do agree that it’s atypical on your inverted
192. 67:14 narcissism and not a milder thing but how I see it is that inverted narcissism is partial the part that’s there is just as destructive as it is in the typical narcissist but there are parts missing from the total the full-blown disorder and I see that as healthy actually I see
193. 67:36 it as parts of myself that were not affected by the pathology that are still intact in my case I did not develop the over winning ego part of the disorder so in a sense what you have with me is the naked pathology with no covering no suaveness no charm no Charisma no
194. 67:57 confidence no persuasiveness but also no excuses no lies no justifications for my feelings just the ugly self self-hatred for all to see the self-hate part is just as bad as it is with a full-blown narcissist so again inverted narcissism is not a milder form of narcissism it’s
195. 68:20 just a pure form but because I don’t have the denial part of the order I have a lot more insight continues this woman I have a lot more motivation to do something about my problems that is the to self- refer to therapy for instance and therefore I
196. 68:38 think a lot more hope of getting better than people whose defense involves totally denying that they even have a problem another woman wrote to me when my full-blown XXX pathological Envy would would get triggered he would respond by putting down the person he was envious
197. 68:59 of or by putting down the accomplishment itself or whatever good stuff the other person had he would trivialize it or outright contradict it or find some way to convince the other person often me that the thing they are feeling good about isn’t real or isn’t worthwhile or
198. 69:16 is somehow bad Etc he could do this because the inflated ego defense was fully formed and operating with him when my pathological Envy gets triggered I will be bluntly honest about it I’ll say something self- pitting such as you always get the good stuff and I get
199. 69:35 nothing you’re are so much better than I people like you better people like you better you have good social skills I’m a jerk and so on or I might even get hostile and sarcastic I might say Well it must be nice to have so many people worshiping you isn’t it I don’t try to convince
200. 69:56 myself that the other person’s success isn’t real or isn’t worthwhile instead I’m totally flooded with a pain of feeling utterly inferior and worthless and there’s no way for me to convince myself or anyone else otherwise I’m not saying that the things
201. 70:12 I say are Pleasant to hear and it is still manipulative of me to say them because the other person’s attention is drawn away from their joy and onto my pain and hostility and instead of doubting their success is worth of reality they feel guilty about it or about talking about
202. 70:28 it because it hurts me so much so from the other points the person’s points of point of view maybe it’s not any easier to live with a partial narcissist than with a full-blown one in that their Joys and successes lead to pain in both cases it’s certainly not easier for me being
203. 70:46 flooded with rage and pain instead of being able to hide behind a delusion of grandure but from my therapist point of view I’m much better off than a full-blown narcissist because I know I’m unhappy it’s in my face all the time so I’m motivated to work on it and to change it
204. 71:05 and time has borne her words out over the past several years that I’ve worked on this issue I’ve changed a great deal in how I deal with it now when the Envy gets triggered I don’t feel so entwined with the other person I recognize that it’s my own pain getting triggered not
205. 71:22 something they are doing to me and so I can acknowledge the pain in a more responsible way taking ownership of it by saying the jealousy feelings are getting triggered again and I’m feeling worthless and inferior can you reassure me that I’m not and that’s a lot better than making
206. 71:41 some snide hostile or self- pitting comment that puts the other person on the defensive or makes them feel guilty this woman continues to write I do prefer the term partial rather than inverted so partial narcissist not inverted narcissist because that’s what
207. 71:59 it feels like to me it’s like a building that’s partially built the house of narcissism uncompleted for me the structure is there but not the outside so you can see inside the skeleton to all the junk that’s inside but there’s no facade it’s the same junk that’s
208. 72:18 inside a full-blown narcissist but their building is completed so you cannot see inside their building is a fortress and it’s almost impossible to bring it down my defenses are not as strong as a full-blown narcissist which makes my life more difficult in some ways because
209. 72:34 I really feel my pain but it also means that the house can be brought down more easily and the junk inside cleaned out how do inverted narcissists think about the past and the world in general an inverted narcissist female wrote to me I don’t usually get rageful
210. 72:53 about the past I feel sort of emotionally cut off from the past actually I remember events very clearly but usually can’t remember the feelings attached to them when I do remember the feelings my reaction is usually one of sadness and sometimes of relief that I
211. 73:09 can get back in touch with my past but not rage all my rage seems to get displaced on the current people in my life another inverted narcissist says when I see someone being really socially awkward and geeky passive aggressive indirect and victim like it does trigger
212. 73:29 anger in me because I identify with that person and I don’t want to I try to put my negative feelings onto them to see that person as the jerk not me that’s and that’s what a narcissist does after all but for me it doesn’t completely work because I know consciously what I’m
213. 73:49 trying to do and ultimately I’m not killing anyone least of all myself do inverted narcissists experience self-pity and depression here’s one woman’s uh take more self-pity and depression here not so much rage one of the things that triggers my rage more than anything else
214. 74:15 is the inability to control another person the inability to dominate them and force my reality on them I feel impotent humiliated forced back on my empty self part of what I’m feeling here is eny that person who can’t be controlled clearly has a self and I don’t and I
215. 74:35 just hate them for it but it’s also a power struggle I want to get narcissistic Supply by being in control and on top and having the other person become submissive and compliant to inverted nissis regret or admit mistakes as opposed to Classic naris here’s what
216. 74:56 one inverted narcissist woman writes I regret my behavior horribly and I do admit my feelings I’m also able in the aftermath to have empathy for the feelings of the person I’ve hurt and I’m horribly s about it and ashamed of myself it’s as though I’ve been
217. 75:13 possessed by a demon acted out all this abusive horrible stuff and then after the departure of the demon I am back in my right mind and it’s like what have I done I don’t mean that I’m not responsible for what I did in other words the demon made me do it but when
218. 75:29 I’m triggered I have no empathy I can only see my projection onto that person as a huge threat to me someone who must be demolished but when my head clears I see that person’s pain his hurt his fear and I feel terrible I want to make it up to them and that feeling is totally
219. 75:47 sincere it’s not an act I’m genuinely sorry for the pain I’ve caused the other person is narcissistic rage the exact equivalent of the rage felt by the inverted narcissist here’s what one woman has to say I wouldn’t say that my rage comes from repressed
220. 76:10 self-contempt mine is not repressed I’m totally aware of my self-contempt and it’s not missing atonement either since I do atone the rage comes from feeling humiliated from feeling that the other person has some sadistically and gleefully made me feel inferior that
221. 76:29 they are getting off on being Superior that they are mocking me ridiculing me that they have scorn and contempt for me and find it all very amusing that whether real or imagined I know it’s usually imagined that is what causes my rage nothing
222. 76:50 else stay with the with me for the next and segment of correspondence with inverted nisses this is the end of part two move on to part
223. 77:08 three my name is s and I’m the author of malignant self-love narcissism Revisited over the years I’ve corresponded with hundreds of inverted narcissists and thousands of codependence here is a selection from this correspondents this is part three out of three be sure to watch the
224. 77:27 previous two why do inverted narcissists stick to narcissist why this selection mechanism well one inverted narcissist tried to enlighten me she said I am built this way I may have overstated it by saying that I have no choice because in fact I
225. 77:48 do the choice is live in an emotionally deadened Chrome monochrome world where where I can reasonably interact with normal people or I can choose to be with a narcissist in which case my world is technical emotionally satisfied alive and wondrous yes I admit it can also be
226. 78:09 turbulent and a real roller coaster right for the unprepared not to mention incredibly damaging for people who are not inverted narcissist and who fall into relationships with narcissist but as I have walked on both sides of the street and because I’ve
227. 78:25 developed coping mechanisms that protect me really quite well I can reasonably safely engage in a primary intimate relationship with the narcissist without getting Hur by it the real why of it all is that I learned as a young child that being eaten alive by a narcissist parent to
228. 78:46 the point where your existence is but an extension of his own was how all relationships ought to work it’s a psychological imprint it’s my love map my comfort zone it is what feels right to me intrinsically a pattern of living I don’t know how else
229. 79:04 to describe it so you and others will understand how very natural and normal this is to me it is not the torturous existence that most of the survivors of narcissism describe my experience with narcissist to me are normal for me comfortable like an old pair of
230. 79:22 slippers that treat perfectly I don’t expect many people to attempt to do this to make themselves into this kind of person I don’t think anyone could even if they try it is my need to be engulfed and merged that drives me to these relationships when I get those needs met
231. 79:39 I feel more normal better about myself I’m the outer extension of the narcissist in many ways I’m a Vanguard a public two-way warning system fiercely defending my narcissis from harm and fiercely loyal to him catering to his every need and all this in order to protect his fragile
232. 80:00 existence these are the Dynamics of my particular version of engulfment I don’t need anyone to take care of me I need only to be needed in this very particular Way by a narcissist who inevitably possesses the ability to engulf in a way that normal fully realized adults
233. 80:18 cannot so it is somewhat paradoxical I feel more free and more independent with the narcissist without one I achieve more in my life when I’m in this form of relationship I try harder I work harder I’m more creative I think better for myself I excel in most every aspect of my
234. 80:38 life not all inverted nisses feel this way here’s what another woman had to say I go ahead and cater to him and pretend that his words don’t hurt later I engage in an internal fight with myself for being so damn submissive is it’s a constant battle and
235. 80:56 I can’t seem to decide which voice in my head I should listen to I feel like a fool yet I would rather be a fool with him than a lonely well-rounded woman without him I’ve often said that the only way that we can stay together is because we feed off each other I give
236. 81:12 him everything he needs and he takes it seeing him happy and pleased is what gives me pleasure I feel very successful then how common is inverted narcissism is it yet another form of full-fledged narcissist a woman wrote to me I do think it’s un uncommon for girls to
237. 81:40 develop these patterns as they are usually trained to be self-effacing I certainly was however I have a lot of the very same underlying patterns that full-blown obnoxiously egotistical narcissist have but I’m not egotistical because I didn’t develop the pattern of inflated ego and
238. 81:57 grandiosity all the rest of it is there I have a fragile ego lack of Center or self I’m super sensitive to criticism and rejections but I have pathological obsessive Envy I have comparisons and competitive attitudes towards others and I believe that
239. 82:15 everyone in the world is either Superior or inferior to me and so sometimes I kind of wish I had developed the inflated ego of a complete processes because then I would at least be able to hide from all the pain that I feel but at the same time I’m glad that I didn’t
240. 82:32 because those people have a much lower chance of recovery how can they recover if they don’t acknowledge anything is wrong whereas it’s pretty clear to me that I have problems and I’ve spent my life working on these problems and trying to change myself and to
241. 82:48 heal so what’s what does it look like this battlefield of relationships between narcissist and verted narcissist here’s an Insider view from a woman who wrote to me she says you have asked can a narcissist and a non- narcissist ever maintain a long-lasting marriage well it
242. 83:06 would seem that a non- narcissist would have too much self-esteem to lend him herself to a lifetime of catering and pandering to The Narcissist unending need for unearned adoration and Glory I as a non- narcissist got tired of these people and their unremitting attempts to
243. 83:25 drain my psyche within a relatively short period of time and so I abandoned them as soon as I realized what I was dealing with to preserve my own sanity other women feel differently it depends on the non- narcissist says one of them narcissism is rigid it’s a
244. 83:42 systemic pattern of responses it is so all pervasive and so all encompassing that it amounts to a personality disorder if the non- narcissist is codependent for instance then the narcissist is a perfect match for him or her and the union were lost a woman describes the daily
245. 84:00 mechanics of living with a narcissist you have to pimp for the narcissist intellectually and sexually if your narcissist is somatic you are much better off lining up the sex partners than leaving him to do it intellectual pimping is more varied you can think of
246. 84:19 wonderful things and then subtly string out the idea in the most delicate of packages and watch how the narcissist citate their way to their brilliant Discovery whilst you bask in the glow of their perfection and success the point of this entire
247. 84:36 exercise is to assure your supply which is the narcissist himself it is not to punish yourself by giving away a great idea or to abase yourself because of course you’re not worthy of having such a great idea on your own but who knows it may seem that way to the inverted narcissist
248. 84:55 it really depends on how self-aware the inverted is another woman the only rejection you need to fear is the possibility of losing the narcissist and if one is doing everything else right this is very unlikely to happen so by emotionally independent I’m talking about being self
249. 85:12 assured doing your own thing having a life feeling strong and good about yourself getting emotional sustenance from other people I mean let’s face it a drug is a drug is a habit habits are just and what they are not are the be and all of of Love habits are part of commitment and
250. 85:37 Serene symmetrical balanced emotional Perfection that is the ideal of the romanticized love for a lifetime All American relationship an inverted narcissist confesses I am terribly turned on by narcissist the most exciting moments of my life in every venue have been with
251. 85:56 narcissists it is as as if living and loving with normal people is a great thing by comparison not fueled by sufficient adrenaline I feel like a junkie now that I no longer permit myself the giddy pleasure of the rush I used to know when I was deeply and hopelessly involved with a
252. 86:13 narcissist I’m like a Lotus eater and I always feel guilty about this and also sorry that I ever succumbed that first time to my first narcissist lover another woman agrees I’m exactly this way and I feel exactly as you do that the world is a CPM motion picture but
253. 86:32 when I’m intimately involved with a narcissist it breaks out into three-dimensional Technical and I can see and feel in ways that are not available to me otherwise in my case I developed this inverted narcissism as a result of being the favorite of my
254. 86:46 father who so completely absorbed me into his his personality that I was not able to develop a sense of Separation so I’m stuck in his personality in this Matrix of needing to be engulfed adored and adored by and completely taken over by a narcissist in my life in turn I
255. 87:06 worship defend regulate and procure a narcissistic supply for my narcissist it is like the mold and the molded another woman writes in my case I realize that while I can’t stop loving my current narcissist it isn’t necessary for me to uh avoid as long as I can
256. 87:25 understand in my way of looking at it he is deserving of love and since I can give him love without hurting me then as long as he needs it he shall have it my personal theory is that dogmatic religious culture is a retarding influence on the growth and maturation
257. 87:42 of those heavily involved more and more autonomy and enhance personal responsibility seems to be blly sacrificed to the group mind Spirit it is as though the church members become one personality and that personality is narcissistic and the individual just
258. 87:58 falls under the weight of that kind of group pressure particularly for a child if I displayed behavior that made my XXX look good to others I was insipidly overvalued when I dared to be something other than who she wanted me to be the sarcastic criticism in total devaluation
259. 88:22 was unbelievable so I learned to be all things to all people I get a Heavenly high from surrendering my power to a narcissist in catering to them in having them overvalue and need me and it is the only time that I truly feel alive we have very little choice in all
260. 88:39 of this we are as vacant and warped as a narcissist XXX X was want to say I don’t have a personality disorder I am a personality disorder he defines who we are and how we will respond you will always and only have real feelings when you are with the narcissist it is your
261. 88:59 love man it is the programming within your psyche does it need to control your behavior not necessarily knowing what you are can at least give you the opportunity to forecast the effect of an action before you take it so Loveless black and white may be the very
262. 89:15 healthiest thing for you for the foreseeable future I tend to think of these episodes with narcissist as being cyclical you will likely need to cut loose for a while when your child is older but you will revert a woman writes do not feel ashamed please should a physically
263. 89:36 handicapped person feel ashamed for their handicap no and neither should we the trouble with us is that we are fooled into thinking that these relationships are guilty pleasures they feel so very good for a time but they are more akin to addiction satisfaction
264. 89:50 than being the right match or an appropriate relationship I am still very conflicted myself about it I wrote a few months ago that it was like having a caged very dangerous animal inside of me when I get near narcissist the animal smells its own kind and it wats out I
265. 90:08 very carefully micromanage my life this means that I daily do fairly regular reality checks and I keep a very tight rain on myself and my behaviors I’m also obsessive compulsive another woman writes I feel as though I’m constantly on an emotional
266. 90:25 roller coaster I may wake up in a good mood but if my narcissist partner does or says something which is hurtful to me my mood changes immediately I now feel sad empty afraid all I want to do at this point is anything that will make him say something nice to me once he
267. 90:41 does I am back on top of the world this pattern of mood changes or whatever you want to call them can take place several times a day each and every day I’ve gotten to the point where I’m not sure what I that I can trust myself to feel any one way because I know that I have
268. 90:56 no control over myself he has the control and it’s scary yet I’ve sort of come to depend on him determining how I’m going to feel when I was first involved with my cerebral naris concludes another inverted narcissist I was like this but after a while I just
269. 91:14 learned to become more emotionally distant the ups and downs were just too much and I found emotional gratification with other people mostly girlfriends and one or two male friends I make a point of saying that the invert must be or become emotionally and financially
270. 91:32 independent and if you don’t want to do this he will eat you up and when he has finished with you and you’re nothing but a husk you will be expelled from his life in one big vomit it is really important for you to start to take responsibility for your own emotional
271. 91:47 Wellness says this woman without regard to how he treats you remember that the narcissist has the emot maturity of a 2-year-old don’t expect much in the way of emotional depth or support in your relationship he simply is not capable of anything that sophisticated this
272. 92:07 concludes excepts from my correspondence with inverted nisses be sure to watch all three parts and to read the chapter inverted narcissist in my book malignance s love narcissism Revisited or online on my website