Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. When Narcissist Reminds You of Someone: Narcissistic Transferences (Idealizing, Mirror, Twinship)

1. 00:02 imagine the following situation you meet someone she could be your
2. 00:08 therapist you think of her as a potential intimate partner or you become friends and then you say to yourself she reminds me of my mother everything about
3. 00:20 her reminds me of my mother her traits her behaviors the way she speaks her
4. 00:27 values her beliefs her her advice everything it’s actually my
5. 00:34 mother and then you begin to expect her to treat you as if she were your mother to behave in a way that would not
6. 00:45 contradict your memories about your mother you want her to for example love
7. 00:51 you and accept you unconditionally you want her secretly to idealize you you want her to give you
8. 01:00 would advice Sor and support you want her to be available on short notice and
9. 01:07 without limitation you want her to baby you sometimes you and she
10. 01:14 refuses and she refuses because she’s not your mother and then you become frustrated
11. 01:20 and angry at her and you reject her and there’s conflict and yet you cannot
12. 01:28 separate from her you cannot break up with her you cannot say goodbye for some reason the conflict draws you in overwhelms you pervades every nuke and
13. 01:39 cranny of your existence you become obsessed with it you behave compulsively
14. 01:45 you try to coers her and to force her to behave in a maternal way to conform to
15. 01:52 the image of a mother that you have in your mind or to your real mother biological mother of origin long
16. 01:58 diseased still living whatever the case may be she must be your mother sometimes you stand back and you say what’s what’s happening to me what’s going on here it’s not
17. 02:11 okay but this self-awareness has no impact does not modify your behavior because you are trapped in this time
18. 02:23 travel loop as if you were catapulted back to your early childhood and you
19. 02:29 found s again with a mother and so this entire process that
20. 02:35 I’ve just described is known as transference and this is the topic of
21. 02:41 today’s video we’re going to discuss two approaches to transference the approach of psychoanalysis which is a more limited way of uh analyzing transference
22. 02:53 and the approach of self psychology which is the approach I uphold and which is the only approach in
23. 03:00 my view that applies to relationships with narcissist this is a difficult video so
24. 03:08 pay attention and try to listen to the end and take notes take breaks go on a
25. 03:16 vacation but it’s worth it because transference is at the core of the
26. 03:22 narcissist relationship with you and transference is intimately connected to
27. 03:29 defense mechanisms and defensive behaviors such as for example projection
28. 03:36 displacement and projective identification transference is also the motivation behind many types of conduct and misconduct that puzzle us and befuddle
29. 03:50 us when we observe narcissism and yet are easily explainable if we were to
30. 03:56 take into account that there is a type of transference known as is narcissistic transference this is the topic of today’s video so explore go forth and
31. 04:08 multiply my viewers you finally attend therapy and the therapist reminds you very much of
32. 04:21 your own mother so gradually you catch feelings you find yourself behaving with therapist if as if she were your
33. 04:33 mother you become a student at a university and the professor reminds you
34. 04:39 of your father gradually you begin to interact with the professor as if he were your father conflicts and all you have a child with your spouse
35. 04:53 then you divorced your spouse because he has been abusive a narcissist shall we say you see your spouse in the child you
36. 05:04 begin to mistreat the child the poor kid has done nothing but resemble his father
37. 05:11 but that’s enough to trigger you and to cause you to punish the kid for his father’s
38. 05:19 sins all these are known as transferences and this is the topic of today’s video
39. 05:26 transference is when someone reminds you of someone and you treat them the same
40. 05:33 way someone reminds you of your father of your mother of an influential peer of
41. 05:40 a teacher even of a media star and then you begin to treat them as
42. 05:47 if they were these people transference is a kind of displacement
43. 05:54 activity it’s very delusional it’s disorienting
44. 06:00 it has elements of fantasy a surreal
45. 06:06 Dreamscape when you develop transference when you begin to treat
46. 06:12 people not as they not as who they are but as who they remind you of then it’s
47. 06:21 a process that could be pathological and could be
48. 06:27 helpful the topic of today’s video video is transference and more precisely a
49. 06:33 highly unique class category of transferences known as
50. 06:39 narcissistic transferences my name is sakin I’m the
51. 06:45 author of malignant self love narcissism Revisited the first book ever on narcissistic abuse I am also a professor
52. 06:51 of psychology believe it or not your professor in
53. 06:57 t-shirt okay sh name transferences as the examples I’ve given
54. 07:05 demonstrate transferences occur in all human relationships and in all human
55. 07:11 interactions not only in therapy not only in psychoanalysis in analysis but
56. 07:18 everywhere with everyone all the time in all human relationships and this is especially
57. 07:25 true in relationships with narcissist remember Nar narcissist are children and
58. 07:31 the narcissist significant other The Narcissist intimate partner The Narcissist best friend The Narcissist
59. 07:37 colleague they’re always maternal figures when you are having a romantic
60. 07:44 relationship or an intimate relationship with the narcissist actually you serve as his mother you stand in for his biological mother of origin so this is a kind of transference
61. 07:59 dual Mothership for example is another type of transference remember dual
62. 08:05 Mothership it’s when you serve as the narcissist mother and he serves as your mother or and that way you become each
63. 08:14 other’s mothers and each other other’s children this is a kind of very complex
64. 08:20 transference narcissists provoke transferences in other people and relate
65. 08:26 to other people via transferences even the Hall of Mirrors is a form of
66. 08:33 transference the Hall of Mirrors is when you see yourself as an idealized perfect in entity idealized perfect person through the narcissist eyes or through the narcissist gaze that’s also a kind
67. 08:46 of transference okay I hope I have baffled you enough and it’s time to help to
68. 08:53 extricate you from the swamp unfortunately in Psychology there
69. 08:59 are not no shortcuts in order to discuss narcissistic transferences I would need to teach you what is transference you need to endure 10 minutes of
70. 09:10 psychoanalysis before you get to the promised land of narcissistic
71. 09:16 transferences what is transference transference is a projection a
72. 09:23 displacement onto another person of unconscious feelings and wishes D
73. 09:30 originally directed at important individuals such as parents usually in child in the in the person’s childhood so when you come across
74. 09:42 someone both you and the other person engage in transference you have unresolved issues with your mother you have had a history of conflict with your father or you loved both of them and they loved you
75. 09:58 whatever the case may be there has been some kind of dynamic between you and your mother between you and your father between you and your teachers between you and your peers etc etc you bring these Dynamics with you in every future
76. 10:11 encounter with other people these Dynamics come into play you displace and you project these
77. 10:19 Dynamics these unconscious feelings these unfulfilled wishes these conflicts
78. 10:25 these memories originally directed at other people you project them onto the
79. 10:31 new person that you have just met and this is transference now of course when you
80. 10:38 engage in transference with someone you’ve just met this brings to the surface repressed material memories some of them Pleasant most of them
81. 10:51 unpleasant this surfacing of of unconscious
82. 10:57 material is usually very difficult this reexperiencing
83. 11:05 is harrowing and so even in the most innocuous encounters with other people
84. 11:13 there’s an element of involuntary memory an element of recall
85. 11:19 an element of access to the unconscious and the eruption of traumatic memories
86. 11:27 unpleasant memories memories is best forgotten and parts of yourself that you
87. 11:33 reject you’re ashamed of weaknesses perhaps and so encounters with other
88. 11:40 people are like triggers they trigger parts of you that have been relegated
89. 11:47 under the carpet that have been buried with a lot of effort when if you were to study what it is that you’re feeling when when you
90. 11:59 meet new people you would learn many things about yourself you would gain insight about your own difficulties about unresolved
91. 12:10 issues about things you can do and techniques you can adopt to become more balanced to
92. 12:19 restore inner peace and to function better indeed this is exactly what we do
93. 12:26 in psychoanalysis in psychoanalytic therapies the transference the process
94. 12:32 of transference is used as a tool the analyst encourages transference
95. 12:41 in the patient in order to help the patient gain awareness of these unconscious wishes and memories and so on so as I said transference has a role
96. 12:56 in many types of encounters therapeutic or not and it’s an unconscious repetition of earlier behaviors earlier effects
97. 13:09 memories and projecting all these onto new people new subjects and this is something that is not under your
98. 13:22 control this is not something you can control that’s not something you can turn off or switch off this is automatic
99. 13:30 an automatic process in therapy we analyze transference we interpret the patients
100. 13:37 early relationships and experiences as they are reflected and expressed in the present relation relationship with the analist or the therapist this is called transference
101. 13:49 analysis it’s even worse most therapists are human beings I don’t know if you’ve
102. 13:55 noticed and so they too develop trans trans erence when the therapist interacts with
103. 14:03 a patient or with a client the patient or the client develops transference towards the
104. 14:10 therapist begins to see the therapist as a maternal figure or as a father figure or as a a deceased friend or as a teacher from times past and so on and
105. 14:22 begins to treat the therapist as if the therapist we these figures in early life
106. 14:29 but the same process happens with the therapist the therapist begins to see the patient as if the patient were some figure from the early life of the
107. 14:41 therapist this is known as counter transference it is the therapist
108. 14:47 unconscious and sometimes conscious reactions to the patient and
109. 14:53 to the patient’s transference these are thoughts memories feelings drives urges
110. 15:02 emotions cognitions that are based on the therapist’s own psychological needs and
111. 15:08 conflicts and whether the therapist expresses them or not the therapist becomes gradually aware of these reactions to the patient this could become a serious
112. 15:21 problem initially in psychoanalysis counter transference was considered to be very harmful to therapy but later on in psychodynamic
113. 15:32 psychotherapies we began to understand that counter transference teaches us
114. 15:38 something when the therapist develops reactivity towards the patient when the
115. 15:45 therapist for example experiences certain emotions in the presence of the patients when the therapist reacts in a
116. 15:52 certain way to specific exchanges with a patient there’s a lot to be learned not
117. 15:59 not only about the therapist but also about the patient modern analysts and modern therapists use counter transference as a source of insight into the patient effect on other people in
118. 16:13 other words the therapist says this is the way the patient is affecting me it tends to Rasen that this is the way the patient is affecting everyone now what does it say about the
119. 16:25 patient so counter transference as well as transference are tools in
120. 16:31 therapy we are in therapy the therapist is supposed to become aware of analyze
121. 16:38 and interpret counter transference and transference as productive processes
122. 16:45 within therapy and so this is a general introduction to
123. 16:51 transference there is negative transference it’s the patient when the patient transfers onto the analy or the
124. 16:59 therapist feelings of anger or hostility that the patient originally felt towards
125. 17:06 parents or other significant individuals during childhood that would be negative
126. 17:12 transference and of course you could have positive transference it’s when the patient transfers onto the analyst or
127. 17:18 therapist feelings of attachment of Love idealization or other positive emotions
128. 17:25 that the patient emotion originally experienced towards parents or significant individuals during childhood so transference doesn’t
129. 17:37 necessarily need to be negative or positive and transference is not limited to therapies or analy or the therapy therapeutic process as I mentioned earlier
130. 17:49 transference occurs involuntarily automatically in every interaction with
131. 17:56 a new person when you you meet someone new you immediately engage in transference and
132. 18:02 the new person You’ have met engages in counter transference gradually both of you settle into some kind of narrative
133. 18:12 where you fulfill the roles of earlier people who have featured earlier in your
134. 18:18 lives so if you have a very good friend she can assume a maternal role she
135. 18:24 becomes like a mother figure or when you have a very good male friend he could become a father figure or when you have
136. 18:32 a new teacher or a new professor in college they can become um Father Figure or they can resemble another teacher much earlier in life we
137. 18:43 superimpose we project we displace narratives which incorporate people
138. 18:51 throughout our lives we superimpose these stories on future encounters
139. 18:59 the truth is that throughout life we keep interpreting and misinterpreting behaviors of other people in view of
140. 19:10 these templates we impose these templates on other people so if you were to meet
141. 19:18 someone and say wow she reminds me of my mother that’s amazing and then you treat her as if she were your mother then of
142. 19:25 course you are imposing on her a Nar narrative and you are constraining your
143. 19:31 ability to interact with her you cannot Explore her any your relationship in any
144. 19:37 meaningful way because you are type typ casting
145. 19:43 her the The Narrative the the childhood narrative takes over and you’re blind
146. 19:49 now to any information that countervails and contradicts this childhood
147. 19:55 narrative in other words transference and counter transfer are
148. 20:01 counterfactual they’re not based on facts and they are fantastic they’re a
149. 20:07 form of Fantasy Defense and they restrict your ability
150. 20:13 to interact with reality in an open-minded Way open to new
151. 20:20 information because the narrative that you impose on reality the storyline that you impose on new people that you meet render the whole situation
152. 20:33 constricted you are not available to accept digest interpret and assimilate
153. 20:42 information that contradicts The Narrative so transference and counter transference are processes that could be insightful could be helpful could help
154. 20:53 you to get to know yourself better but they are very bad ways they’re very dysfunctional way ways of interacting
155. 21:00 with other people they reduce your selfefficacy your ability to extract
156. 21:06 beneficial outcomes from the human environment from people around you because you don’t see them as they are
157. 21:13 you see the you see them as imaginary figures borrowed from your earlier
158. 21:19 earlier phases in life now Hines cohut an Austrian born um
159. 21:27 psychoanalyst came up with a construct of narcissistic
160. 21:35 transference he established a whole new branch of psychology whole new school in Psychology known as self
161. 21:41 psychology and in self psychology transferences could be narcissistic what on Earth is a
162. 21:48 narcissistic transference a narcissistic transference is a set of
163. 21:54 transferences that involve the narcissistic needs of the the patient in relation to significant others these needs are used leveraged by
164. 22:05 the therapist in therapy in order to help the patient but let’s go back to the
165. 22:11 core in psychoanalysis transference is when you attribute or
166. 22:18 actually misattribute qualities traits experiences and memories of
167. 22:26 earlier figures in your life to someone you’ve just met so you’ve met someone
168. 22:32 and you say well that’s my mother you’ve met someone you say well that’s my father that is wrong counterfactual
169. 22:41 fantastic and self-defeating in many ways that’s in psychoanalysis in self
170. 22:49 psychology transference is about the needs you’ve had with other people with earlier people in your life the psychological
171. 23:02 needs um in relation to significant others earlier in your life for example what kinds what kind of needs did you have with your mother what kind of needs
172. 23:14 did you have with your father with influential peers with teachers and so on Role Models these psychological needs
173. 23:21 were either gratified satisfied and met catered to by your mother father and Etc
174. 23:29 or they were not in other words your needs may have been met or they may have been frustrated but they’re still there
175. 23:37 they’re always there narcissistic transfer actually has to do with these
176. 23:43 needs according to cood the process of transference is not only or merely or
177. 23:51 mainly about misattribution in other words when you
178. 23:57 engage in transference with someone you’re not only saying wow she reminds me of my mother but you’re saying she reminds me of my mother and now she has
179. 24:08 to take care of my needs because that’s what my mother should have done or that’s my mother has
180. 24:15 done had done so transference is not limited to
181. 24:21 identification misidentification that person is actually my mother that person
182. 24:27 is actually my father narcissistic transference is active it’s a form of projective identification in
183. 24:35 other words there’s a second step a second stage in narcissistic transference oh she reminds me of my
184. 24:41 mother now she has to act as my mother now she has to become my mother now she
185. 24:48 has to cater to my needs as my mother should have done or had done or he
186. 24:54 reminds me of my father now he is my father now I will treat him as my father
187. 25:00 and he will treat me as my father he would act as a father would and should
188. 25:08 so in narcissistic transferences there is an initial stage of misidentification and
189. 25:14 misattribution and then the expectation and the demand that people who have been thus
190. 25:21 misidentified act in accordance to the roles assigned to them through the
191. 25:27 transference is this clear let me reiterate it one
192. 25:33 last time you meet someone new a therapist a professor a friend someone
193. 25:39 casual whatever the case may be according to psychoanalysis you say oh she reminds me of my mother end of story your emotions your memories your wishes
194. 25:51 that you used to have with your mother are now transferred to this new person and that’s where it ends according to kohut and his concept of narcissistic transference this is not where it ends it’s where it begins once you have
195. 26:08 misidentified the person as your mother you expect that person to behave as your
196. 26:14 mother to act as your mother to provide for you as a mother would to take care of your needs as any mother should you force the other person to become your
197. 26:25 mother in a process known as projective identification and this is of course vastly different
198. 26:32 from the classical concept of classical psych anality concept of
199. 26:38 transference transference in classic psychoanalysis is the transposition of
200. 26:44 needs to a person who can fulfill them without the expectation of these needs being fulfilled now narcissistic transferences there are three types
201. 26:56 three categories of narcissistic transferences are very interesting because they involve something known as selfobject
202. 27:03 actually initially they were known as self-object transferences and but I will not go into
203. 27:09 it in this video I will dedicate a separate video to the issue of to the idea of
204. 27:16 selfobject let’s discuss the three types of narcissistic transference start with the idealizing
205. 27:25 transference idealizing transference is a narcissistic transference that when it is activated
206. 27:33 or triggered the patient experiences the other person is a powerful and
207. 27:40 benevolent parental figure so you meet someone again it could be a therapist it could be a professor could be a friend it could be a casual acquaintance it could be the
208. 27:51 guy in the grocery store you meet someone and instantly you’re triggered
209. 27:58 there’s a switch switch goes on in your mind there’s a flood of unconscious
210. 28:04 material that you have forgotten repressed buried and you say to yourself wow that’s amazing this guy is my father this woman is my mother so that’s the
211. 28:16 initial phase that’s a basic transference and then you idealize them
212. 28:23 you say they are good people they’re benevolent they are caring they’re
213. 28:30 protective they’re super intelligent they’re amazing they’re perfect you
214. 28:36 idealize these figures because they remind you of mother or father or a
215. 28:42 teacher or a peer that you used to admire the initial reaction in
216. 28:49 idealizing narcissistic transfer is as the name implies
217. 28:55 idealization and so you would idealize these people at that point you would feel suddenly
218. 29:02 good you would feel good this is known as Oceanic feeling or narcissistic
219. 29:09 Elation you feel um protected you feel safe you feel
220. 29:17 understood you feel accepted feel that you belong and all this could happen in in
221. 29:24 seconds the all this everything I’m just saying could happen to you in seconds and this is what people I think mean when they use the phrase love at first sight yeah and so at that point the other person is
222. 29:40 idealized becomes a secure base and you become once more a child you regress
223. 29:49 there’s a process of infantilization the other party having been idealized fulfills the role of a parental figure almost Godlike
224. 30:01 parental figure with idealization involves the Assumption of perfection idealization is what kids do with their parents they regard the parents as Godlike figures and so the other person
225. 30:14 becomes a Godlike figure and because you belong to the other person because of this connection instant connection with
226. 30:22 other person you also feel Godlike you feel that you share the power and capab abilities of the other
227. 30:29 person you feel that you are not only protected by the other person but youve become a part of that other person in
228. 30:36 other words there’s a process known as symbiosis enmeshment merger infusion
229. 30:43 much the same way that young kids idealize their parents and feel protected by them so this is the first
230. 30:50 type of idealization known as first type of narcissistic transference known as ideal
231. 30:57 izing narcissistic transference the second type is known as mirror
232. 31:03 transference mirror transference is a narcissistic transference in which the grandio self
233. 31:11 of the patient is reactivated now just to give you a background in self psychology all human
234. 31:19 beings are supposed to have a dormant dormant deactivated grandio self
235. 31:28 the grandio self is active in the ages of two 3 years old and allows the child
236. 31:36 to Take on the World to explore it and to trust his or her capacity to manage
237. 31:43 in a new environment you need to be very grandiose as a 2-year-old to believe
238. 31:49 that you can let go of Mommy and explore the world on your own and this is the grand your self what happens in the mirror narcissistic transference is this
239. 32:01 grandio self which is very infantile it’s very primordial very primitive is
240. 32:08 reactivated it’s an early phase of Life remember at that phase the mother
241. 32:16 established the sense of perfection of the child by admiring the child and if
242. 32:22 the mother were a dead mother metaphorically speaking an absent mother unavailable mother depressive mother selfish mother parentifying and instrumentalizing mother abusive mother
243. 32:35 traumatizing mother if it were bed mother this kind of bed mother would
244. 32:41 undermine the child grandiosity and sence of perfection by devaluing the
245. 32:47 child’s exhibitionistic Behavior let me let me repeat this and
246. 32:53 recap this today’s material is not easy according to K in an early phase of Life the child develops grandiosity a grandio
247. 33:05 self the child needs this grandiosity in order to gather the courage to let go of
248. 33:11 mother and explore the world now the mother can have two types
249. 33:17 of reactions depending on the type of the mother a good mother would encourage
250. 33:23 this Behavior she would admire ostentation iously visibly and
251. 33:30 verbally the exhibitionistic grandio behavior of the of the infant so when
252. 33:37 the child Age Two or age 18 months lets go of mother and Ventures out into the
253. 33:45 world mother would be there to admire this Behavior to encourage the child and
254. 33:51 to idealize the child so that the child can absorb internalize this idealization
255. 33:57 and continue in the quest to find out more about reality that’s a good mother
256. 34:04 a bad mother would do exactly the opposite a bed mother would devalue the
257. 34:10 child’s exhibitionistic exploratory adventurous behaviors a bed mother would put the
258. 34:17 child down criticize the child even punish the child or threaten the child
259. 34:24 so these are the two possibilities in the mirror transference which is a narcissistic
260. 34:30 transference the child the the person recreates these childhood Dynamics the
261. 34:38 person reactivates the grandio self and then the grandio self re-experiences
262. 34:45 what has happened early on in life and this reactivation process helps helps
263. 34:51 you to get to know yourself better and develop maybe a more stable sense of
264. 34:58 self-esteem but this is the second type of narcissistic transference let us summarize these
265. 35:04 first two before we before we discuss the third one when you come across a new person someone new you’ve just met or when you’re in a relationship with an
266. 35:15 intimate partner or with a good friend or with a colleague or
267. 35:22 whatever there is automatically involuntarily a process of transfer
268. 35:28 you immediately compare this new person to people you have met earlier in life
269. 35:34 starting with your mother and then sometimes the transference becomes narcissistic transference so the first option is you
270. 35:47 say this person reminds me of I don’t know mother or father or whatever so I
271. 35:53 feel good about this person I feel protected I feel safe this person is a secure base I love this person because
272. 36:00 this person is actually my mother or my father that’s a first possibility the
273. 36:06 second possibility is that you would develop a mirror transference depending
274. 36:12 on your experiences with your mother if your experiences with your mother were good experiences if she encouraged you
275. 36:19 to separate from her and become an individual you would have an identical a replay of this dynamic with
276. 36:28 a new person you’ve just met and this would be mediated through your grandio
277. 36:34 primitive infantile grandio self which would be reactivated for a while and
278. 36:40 allow the transference to occur if on the other hand you’ve had bad experiences with your mother she
279. 36:46 wouldn’t let you separate she wouldn’t let you become an individual she would Bridge your boundaries she would be be
280. 36:52 abusive and traumatic and traumatizing and so on so forth you would superimpose this earlier experience on your ongoing relationship with this person you would actually
281. 37:04 force force them to play the same role of an abuser and this is what is known
282. 37:11 as projective identification we’re beginning to see that the precondition or the initial phase of projective identification is mirror narcissistic transference and
283. 37:23 this is where self psychology and psychoanalysis come together very neatly because Freud was the one
284. 37:30 who came up with the idea of repetition compulsion repetition compulsion is when
285. 37:37 we keep repeating the same self-destructive and self-defeating behaviors even though we know better and
286. 37:43 we keep doing this because we are trapped in early childhood narratives
287. 37:49 that we impose on other people in our life and when we impose these narratives on other people sometimes we force them to behave in a way that conforms to the
288. 38:01 narrative we coers them to play the script and so that’s where
289. 38:09 psychoanalysis and psychology become one and the same and finally the most complex form of narcissistic transference is twinship
290. 38:20 transference It’s when um the patient experiences the other person as s ilar
291. 38:27 or very similar in characteristics to themselves and so there’s an experience
292. 38:33 of being understood being valued being mirrored being
293. 38:39 reflected let me repeat this the previous two narcissistic transferences
294. 38:46 the idealizing transference and the mirror transference had to do with memories of
295. 38:55 earlier figures in earlier life life so when you come came across someone new in your life you identify them or
296. 39:02 misidentify them with earlier figures in your life you said wow she’s like my mother the twinship transference is completely different in the twinship
297. 39:13 transference when you come across someone new in your life you say wow he
298. 39:19 is exactly like me oh wow she is my twin my long lost other half my my my soulmate that is twinship narcissistic
299. 39:33 transference when you believe that the other person shares the same characteristics same traits same predilections same cognitions same
300. 39:46 emotions same behaviors like you is a mirror is a is a copy of you a clone
301. 39:53 you’re cloned you’re two of a kind and so so this creates an experience of
302. 40:01 enmeshment merger Fusion your one organism with two heads but you at the
303. 40:07 same time you also feel profoundly understood and grasped valued accepted it’s it’s like a cult it’s a club of
304. 40:19 two and or a religion and you are the two worshippers so there’s an affinity
305. 40:25 here which is amazing this is known as Alter Ego
306. 40:31 transference and it is the only kind of transference that does not trigger
307. 40:37 memories of figures and people in earlier life it’s the only kind of transference that has to do with you now of course narcissist engage a lot in all
308. 40:49 three forms of n of narcissistic transferences you have probably identified yourself in these transferences when the narcissist idealized you as a mother figure that
309. 41:01 would be the idealizing narcissistic transference when the narcissist forced you to behave in ways which are
310. 41:09 reminiscent of a parental figure that would be the mirror narcissistic transference and when the narcissist
311. 41:16 kept telling you we are the same you’re amazing you’re like my copy I’m like
312. 41:23 your copy we are twins we are soulmates we are twin flames we are that’s of course the twinship narcissistic transference it is important to
313. 41:36 remember transferences are not about reality transferences distort reality
314. 41:43 transferences are cognitive distortions transferences impair reality
315. 41:51 testing because transferences a transference is a misidentification of another person
316. 42:00 mischaracterization misattribution when you when you engage in transference you don’t really see the other person you don’t understand the other person you don’t pay attention to
317. 42:11 the other person the other person doesn’t exist it’s just an excuse a trigger transference is an internal
318. 42:19 process not an external one transference is when you reclassify people and put in
319. 42:27 drawers or boxes the Mother Box the father box she’s like my mother so no
320. 42:33 need to invest any effort in getting to know her I already know her she’s like my mother I know everything about my
321. 42:39 mother so I know everything about her he’s like my father no need to work hard on the relationship a father would love
322. 42:47 me never mind what I do so transferences influence cognitions emotions and
323. 42:55 behaviors very badly the transferences cause
324. 43:02 dysfunctions they reduce self-efficacy and even emotions as I mentioned are affected if you misidentify someone as your mother you’re likely to feel about them you’re
325. 43:14 likely to emote you’re likely to relate to them emotionally as if they were your mother which is a huge mistake so transferences constrict your
326. 43:26 reparatory con strict your ability to adapt to be flexible to absorb new information to process it and to act accordingly that’s why in therapy we try
327. 43:38 to we use transference and counter transference in order to generate Insight in order to allow you to get to know yourself better but then we teach
328. 43:49 you how to not engage in transference and we teach ourselves how to not engage
329. 43:55 in counter transference actually in psychoanalytic schools and psychodynamic
330. 44:01 psychotherapies the therapist is supposed to be in therapy when he is
331. 44:08 working with a patient so the when a psycho analyst or a psychotherapist is giving Psychotherapy
332. 44:19 to a patient there is a risk of counter transference and so the therapist
333. 44:25 attends therapy in order to get rid of the counter transference so there is a
334. 44:31 qualified psychoanalyst or a qualified therapist he is known as usually or she is known as a supervisor and they help the therapist to get rid of the counter transference
335. 44:44 supervised analysis or supervisory analysis the counter transference is considered to be
336. 44:51 helpful but not a good thing and should be should the therapy should get rid of
337. 44:57 it the transference is considered to be helpful to the patient but not a good thing one of the main goals of therapy
338. 45:05 is to get rid of transference and it is not because transference and counter transference
339. 45:11 are path pathologies but it’s because they reduce your ability to function in
340. 45:18 life in a way which would make you happy content and would allow you to
341. 45:24 accomplish your goals to extract benefici outcomes from the your environment human and non-human and to
342. 45:31 proceed with your life plan without interruptions