Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. How to Resurrect Yourself After Narcissistic Abuse: 9-fold Path of Healing

1. 00:02 The Narcissist absconds with your identity steals your essence implants in your mind a self-disparaging harshly critical voice you find yourself laboring under a regime of internal
2. 00:24 slavery you feel as if there is no way back to yourself as if you have become someone else you feel estranged alienated
3. 00:41 disoriented is there a way back is there a formula for regaining yourself for resurrecting this is the topic of today’s video the nine principle path to Resurrection after narcissis ISC abuse my name is Sam vakin I’m the author of the first book ever about
4. 01:06 narcissistic abuse malignant self- love narcissism Revisited and I’m a professor of Clinical Psychology nine principles to Resurrection and yes the prognosis is good you will recover you will fully heal do not confuse change with healing you will be a changed person we
5. 01:31 are all changed and transformed by our experiences positive and beneficial as well as adverse and so you will have change but you will be fully recovered utterly and totally functional happy again or at the very least content you can go back mentally emotionally
6. 01:58 psychologically cognitively you can go back to the point before you have met the narcissist you will of course carry with you forever the traumatic memories and the pain the pain of having been objectified having been commodified and commoditized having been rendered an
7. 02:21 insignificant other that is a pain that will never go away it’s a form of grief and mourning which is prolonged but all the rest can be reconstructed you can renovate yourself using these nine principles and they’re divided into three groups the body the mind and
8. 02:48 functionality let’s start with the body you need you need your body you need your body is a collaborator in your process of healing and there are three principles attendant or pertinent to your body attention regulation and protection let’s review these principles one by one
9. 03:12 attention pay attention to your body be aware monitor your breathing your pulse your perspiration your exertions your muscle be attuned to your body gradually develop a friendship and intimacy with every fiber and every tissue that comprise This Magnificent
10. 03:45 receptacle that is your body it’s a form of self-empathy coupled with self- soothing and self-comforting make your body your ally by getting to know it to perfection number two regulation control control your bodily processes Breathe In Breathe Out regulate to the
11. 04:12 best of your ability your pulse and your breathing think positive thoughts if need be fantasize and daydream if necessary but focus on maintaining a strict regime of self-control and self-regulation become your body’s Master not your body’s slave it is a relationship of a parent
12. 04:41 and a child there’s a lot of love there’s a lot of recognition there’s a lot of intimate knowledge of each other but you’re still you’re still the parental figure in this relationship pay attention to your body every message it is sending you every signal it is
13. 05:01 conveying every information it is trying to share with you directly and indirectly but at the same time put limits Place boundaries maintain Mastery over the processes physiological and physical processes that make up your daily your daily behavior and finally protection Pro
14. 05:29 protect your body protect your body it is in need of protection it has been assailed and assaulted by The Narcissist narcissistic abuse causes multiple multiple physiological medical and biological disruptions some of which last very long your body needs a friend
15. 05:54 your body needs a doctor a medical doctor inhouse your doctor needs your pre your your body needs your presence needs your presence to protect it eat well exercise do not overexert yourself do not punish your body do not be self-destructive do not hate your body
16. 06:17 reject it and loath it do not blame your body for anything it is doing its best under the circumstances remember your mind is in charge your mind is in charge your body is merely a reflection of psychological processes in your mind so place your mind above your body and
17. 06:39 together the Mind Body complex make it work for you think of it as raising a child you have a plan you have principles you have boundaries you have rules apply them apply them rigorously but with a lot of love compassionately affectionately at the end of the day
18. 07:05 your body is all you have and your mind resides in it it’s not much good to have a healthy mind in an unhealthy body as the Romans knew so this is this is the first module the three principles of your body attention regulation protection let’s move on to your mind
19. 07:31 your mind is compromised your mind is infected narcissism pathological narcissism is contagious there’s a contagion there’s a vector of transmission between the narcissist and you your mind has been invaded by a Trojan force it is full with the narcissist voice The Narcissist
20. 07:52 intermittent reinforcement the narcissi fears and phobias attendant upon the narcissist presence in your life and his misbehavior your mind has been coopted by the narcissist and he turned it against you for very long stretches of time you felt that both your mind and
21. 08:14 your body have betrayed you and you began to be angry at them even aggressive you didn’t recognize yourself anymore you were terrified by the rapid dwindling of who you used to be in the emergence of a of a Kima the emergence of some monster that you felt no
22. 08:39 Affinity with and yet was still you and so it’s time to regain your mind and retake it it’s been subject to a hostile takeover it’s time to reverse the process and there are three principles here as well authenticity positivity mindfulness let’s review this principle one by one
23. 09:06 authenticity whenever you listen to your inner voices or whenever you are conducting a dialogue with yourself or whenever you’re listening to a television show reading something on the Internet or a book whenever you’re exposed to content whether generated internally or
24. 09:26 generated externally stop stop do not absorb the content until you have asked yourself is this me does this reflect who I am or even does this reflect who I should be who I want to be and then if the answer is maybe reject the content if the answer is no
25. 09:54 of course delete erase the content as if it has never existed it never existed if the answer is yes tread carefully messaging from the inside your internal voices and from the outside things people say to you even good friends even family a suspect a suspect remember you’re the
26. 10:20 world’s leading expert on yourself no one knows you better than you do even if you think that you’re not self-aware even if you think that you’re not very good at recognizing yourself and not very good at being your own best friend and having your back even if you
27. 10:38 mistrust and distrust yourself because the experience of life has proven that you are not your best friend perhaps you’re Your Own Worst Enemy even then there is a degree of intimacy and acquaintance a knowledge that no one else possesses so ask yourself time again is this
28. 11:02 me is this voice inside my head that’s telling me what to do criticizing me negating me is this my voice is this person who is saying these things to me is he representative of who I am does it resonate with me in the appropriate manner gradually as you begin to be a lot more
29. 11:28 discriminated about internally generated content and externally generated content you will reemerge you will reemerge from the sludge of narcissistic abuse suddenly your Contours will be visible again day in and day out you will feel more of you more like you
30. 11:56 suddenly suddenly Snippets of Rec cognition memories will emerge and you’ll be able to put them together in a coherent and cohesive framework which will amount ultimately to your core identity rediscovered the authenticity filtering the requirement the principle
31. 12:22 of asking all the time is this me is this really me or is it what Society expects of me is it the voice of my father the voice of my mother is this harshly critical negating viting voice mine all the narcissist what my friends are telling me my family um Kajol me are these
32. 12:47 voices I should listen to do they resonate with my quiddity with my essence or are they perceived as alien somehow artificial or superficial even supercilious are these voices motivating or are these voices depressive do these voices put me down or let me soar and
33. 13:15 Thrive here’s a simple principle here’s a simple rule of thumb actually heuristic how can you tell if a bit of information an internal voice and external voice are authentic or or not how can you tell if you should embrace the content of the information that you’re exposed
34. 13:38 to if it is loving if it treats you with compassion and consideration if it is not self- rejecting and not self-loathing and not harshly self-critical and not sadistic it’s a voice that is probably authentic if the voice you’re exposed to internally or externally seeks to drag you
35. 14:07 down to put you down to reduce you to diminish you to degrade you to humiliate you to shame you to guilt trip you that’s not an authentic voice what do you do with non-authentic voices you shut them off you shut them out you do not listen to them actively not
36. 14:29 listening is an active predisposition or disposition exactly like listening you should put an effort into not listening to these voices negating them if necessary verbalize this say aloud I am not listening to you you’re not my friend you do not seek my well-being you
37. 14:53 do not want me to thrive and flourish you do not want me to be happy and so go away you know in the Middle Ages in rights of exorcism the priest would say go away Satan go away demon it’s the same essentially essentially it’s the same verbalize this
38. 15:17 rejection verbalize it do not listen to these voices gradually as you fend them off and shut them out these voices will recede and ultimately will be no more and what will be left behind are the authentic messages and signals and information and data and
39. 15:41 knowledge that comprise who you are your true Essence your authentic self so this is principle number one authenticity number two positivity positivity is not naivity positivity is not gbil positivity is not stupidity positivity doesn’t mean that you have to be a sucker positivity
40. 16:06 doesn’t mean that you have to lie to yourself deceive yourself into optimism that’s not positivity that’s stupidity that’s being dumb positivity means that you accept and realize that everything and everyone in life in reality in the universe has a positive aspect in a negative
41. 16:30 aspect no one is all good no one is all bad nothing is all right nothing is all wrong no situation or circumstance or environment are all good and none of them are all evil this is splitting it’s an infantile primitive misleading defense mechanism don’t do
42. 16:56 that when I say positivity I mean seek out the positive aspects and dimensions and elements and ingredients and components of everything and everyone around you don’t ignore the negativity don’t lie to yourself don’t deceive yourself that’s not the aim here don’t become
43. 17:20 polanish but do not on the other hand regard the world cynically negatively hate fully do not convince yourself that the world is a hostile dangerous hateful
44. 17:37 Place acquire or reacquire some balance or at least semblance of balance whenever you’re down whenever you’re depressed ask yourself have I overlooked have I ignored some positive aspects or elements of my situation whenever you come across someone and the
45. 18:04 interaction the interpersonal interaction is less than Pleasant discomforting maybe even threatening ask yourself have I overlooked or ignored some positive aspects in that person you could you could spread positivity and by spreading positivity you’re likely to get it back
46. 18:25 tfold spreading positivity is just being civil it’s just about being civil being kind without being self-sacrificial being compassionate without being self harming it’s possible to do this this balance is attainable and when you become more attuned to the interplay between
47. 18:57 positivity and negativity in the universe the yin and Young when you begin to accept the gray zones and nuances and subtleties of existence you will have self-medicated in a way you will have healed yourself the ability to realize that nothing is totally negative
48. 19:28 nothing is absolutely evil nothing is irredeemable no one is beyond Absolution and Redemption and and Recovery the the realization this realization makes the world more habitable more makes life more tolerable makes existence less burdensome more bearable again this is not
49. 19:56 naivity Psychopaths and n are mostly evil or at least act in ways which are mostly evil there’s no point in pretending otherwise there are some people who are mostly evil but there are many people who are mostly good actually the vast majority of people are mostly
50. 20:19 good inject positivity into your life is an exercise is an assignment as a task when whenever you find yourself gravitating towards a splitting mechanism Decoto thinking black and white thinking stop go back observe yourself and
51. 20:44 say I am watching the world through the wrong tinted glasses glasses that distort reality provide me the wrong information I’m going to now requate in myself with the world explore it Discover it in a way that is far more balanced the third element is
52. 21:07 mindfulness if you’re stuck in the past or if you’re stuck in the future you’re doomed you’re doomed because the past is full of regrets and mistakes and remorse and negative effectivity negative effects such as sadness and so on the past will drag you down
53. 21:29 when we recall the past we tend to naturally gravitate towards Nostalgia and depression and so on past orientation is debilitating paralyzing similarly if you’re a habitual fantasist if you reside in fantasy and daydreaming daydreaming involves planning so it’s more healthy but
54. 21:53 fantasy then your divorce from reality
55. 21:59 the future you inhabit has its roots in your actions in the present if you’re stuck in the future and and you ignoring the present you will never get there you will never get into the future so both past orientation and future orientation are not good for you they are
56. 22:20 dysfunctional focus on the present remember the three principles of the body these three principles ground you in the presents in the present if you have to listen to your breathing if you have to be aware of the pulse of blood coursing through your entire body if you
57. 22:41 regulate your body functions if you then you are grounded in the here and now you’re grounded in the present mindfulness is about being grounded in the present in your present body in your present mind in your present circumstances with the people who are present in your
58. 23:03 life and it is from this from this groundedness from this immersion in present tense that you can then launch yourself into the future and even revisit the past but the the present is your foundation it’s your anchor in the stormy sea of your life it is a
59. 23:32 present that keeps you Tethered to this globe and to yourself more importantly do not allow yourself to drift or to float away remain grounded so a brief recap the three principles of the body attention regulation and protection the three principles of the Mind authenticity
60. 23:57 positivity and mindfulness and there are three functions so this is the nine principle Puff the nine principle puff three body functions three mind functions and three systemic functions body and mind and the three functions are these Vigilant Observer shielding sensor reality
61. 24:22 Sentinel let’s review them one by one Vigilant Observer always observe observe yourself observe others observe reality and do it vigilantly not hyper vigilantly do not be a paranoid do not be suspicious do not be cynical but Vigilant in the sense that
62. 24:47 be ready for surprises be be prepared for Transformations observe not passively but proactively observe love via curiosity and investigation it’s another way of saying be the scientist of your life regard your life as a research topic and you are the
63. 25:12 scientist creating theories testing them and then creating better theories according to the outcomes observe investigate explore discover be an active participant in your own life do not let your life Slide by as a kind of background noise or someone else’s
64. 25:34 theater production or movie do not enter anyone’s fantasy anyone’s reality stick stick to yourself stand your ground mindfulness and then observe and observe with alertness intelligence Acumen astuteness don’t be a passive receptacle or recipient or container of data
65. 26:08 process it make sense of it and then investigate further the scientific method the shielding sensor you need to filter out the kinds of inputs from the inside and from the outside that are harmful to you certain voices inside you are your enemies they don’t want you to be happy
66. 26:37 these voices they don’t want you to thrive they are not they are not um interested in your well-being they want to take you down they want to punish you they want to punish you these are known collectively as the internalized bad object censor them
67. 26:56 censorship to not not allow them to express themselves definitely not freely certain voices from the outside people masquerading as true friends um betrayal don’t let any of this get to you do not attribute a truth value and do not give power do not Empower any
68. 27:21 such voices any such input any such feedback any such inform censorship internal and external the shielding sensor your sensor should have your best interest in mind your sensor should seek to maximize your well-being your sensor should be able to provide an environment that is
69. 27:46 free of censoriousness Free of harsh criticism free of sadistic put Downs free of self-loathing free of self-rejection Free of self crashing free of self harm free of self-defeat definitely free of self-destructiveness these are the roles of the sensor the
70. 28:08 sensor is like a firewall internal and external and the aim of the sensor is to Shield you not to Shield you from life itself not to Shield you from reality to Shield you from the pollutant and the contamination and the effluence of those who wish you
71. 28:33 ill those who consider you um target for
72. 28:39 their frustration aggression Envy hatred
73. 28:46 anger the sensor simply keeps out in a kind of benevolent confirmation bias U does not allow the sensor does not allow entry to anything that could degrade your internal environment in your mind and finally the reality Sentinel it is very easy for the victim
74. 29:14 of narcissistic abuse to drift away from reality if you if you ended up being a victim of narcissistic abuse it means you’re prone to Fantasy you’re amable to the charms of fantasy you find fantasy irresistible and you find reality less than tolerable undesirable
75. 29:36 boring and so you need a reality Sentinel you need a guardian a custodian an internal Voice who would tell you you’re drifting away You’re floating you’re again fantasizing your gain being I don’t know grandio or on the very contrary self-degrading you are not
76. 30:01 grounded you’re not grounded your reality testing is getting impaired stop stop observe absorb the
77. 30:14 information and process it reality is there the reality Sentinel the reality Guardian the role of this function is to maintain your reality testing at all times to remind you that you cannot fully trust your grasp of reality that you do need to reestablish
78. 30:39 the bridge to reality and the bridge to the world and the bridge to your own life you need to rebuild these Bridges day in and day out you need to maintain them and you need to cross them to visit the Realms the territories that they connect to you
79. 30:55 need to visit reality you need to visit life you need to visit the universe and you need to visit your internal landscape you need to be grounded in reality and you need an advisor a consultant an inner voice in charge of your reality testing and you need to listen to this
80. 31:15 voice it’s easier it’s easy to accomplish actually it sounds as if it is easier said than done but it’s it’s possible to do this it’s a com you can accomplish this you can attain can create this reality Sentinel initially you may need to obtain feedback from for example mental
81. 31:39 health practitioners and professionals or very good friends who you trust or family members who love you their feedback their input will gradually help you to construct and design and put together the reality Sentinel but at some some state some point you can do this on your
82. 32:02 own whenever you feel that there is some conflict whenever you feel uneasy between the way you think the way you imagine the way you emote internal processes and reality whenever you feel there’s a discrepancy there’s a there’s daylight between reality and what’s
83. 32:25 going on inside your mind trust reality your mind should be subordinate to input which is objective or input from reality whenever reality contradicts your mind whenever reality conflicts with your mind whenever reality under Minds challenges even sabotages your
84. 32:47 mind you should opt for reality remember reality is always a composite always an agglomeration of positive and negative if you are getting information from the outside which is wholly negative completely negative it’s not real it’s a fantasy if you’re
85. 33:09 getting information from the outside that is completely positive it’s not real it’s a it’s a rose tinted glass fantasy reject reject information reject data reject signals reject talk speech acts reject anything that’s coming from the inside from the outside and anything
86. 33:32 that’s coming from the inside which is wholly negative or wholly positive what’s left is reality and then if what’s left conflicts or contradicts or undermines or challenges any element of your mind your mind is wrong because reality is always
87. 33:52 right sticking to reality being grounded in the present filtering out information that is fantastic these are the building blocks of mental health so the three functions are a Vigilant Observer a shielding sensor and a reality Sentinel let me summarize everything for
88. 34:19 you it’s the nine path nine principal paths the three body principles attention regulation protection ction the three mind principles authenticity positivity and mindfulness and the three systemic functions Vigilant Observer shielding sensor and reality
89. 34:39 Sentinel good luck I hope someone takes this video and converts it into a course or a book or something with much more in a much more elaborate manner take care