Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. How Covert Narcissist Deceives Covert Borderline and He Loves It (2nd in Odd Couples Series)

1. 00:02 okay Shan panim uh today we’re going to discuss covert borderline with covert narcissist in a couple in a friendship in the workplace but especially in an intimate relationship interpersonal relationship how do they cope together how do they fit how do they conflict
2. 00:26 what is the outcome how do they come together why do they come together etc etc this is the second video in my series on odd couples the first video you’ll find a link in the description and the description is under the video not above the video under the video there’s a link
3. 00:48 to the first one the first one in the series OD couples in that video I discussed two narcissist borderline narcissist and so on so forth and today the whole uh second episode is dedicated to coverts covert borderline versus covert nisses now just to make clear for
4. 01:08 disclaimer sake and full disclosure covert borderline is not an official diagnosis you can you cannot find it in the diagnostic and statistical manual it is a diagnosis that I suggested I came up with a few years ago um another diagnosis that I came up
5. 01:28 with many many decades ago is inverted narcissist so covert borderline is my second born diagnosis cette borderline is simply a hybrid a hybrid between borderline and narcissist but it’s not a comorbidity comorbidity is a situation where we diagnose the same person with
6. 01:52 two or more personality disorders or other mental health issues a covert borderline is an integrated structure it’s a system which borrows elements from narcissistic personality disorder and elements from borderline personality disorder puts them together in a
7. 02:15 coherent cohesive self-maintaining self- sustaining and self reinforcing system so it’s a hybrid not a comorbidity and there is no way to treat the narcissistic part of covert borderline separately to the borderline part of the covert borderline because the covert
8. 02:43 borderline is a vertical and horizontal integration of aspects of narcissism pathological narcissism with aspects of classical borderline now both types act out out but in very different ways I mean both the covert borderline and the overt normal classical borderline they act out
9. 03:08 but in very very different ways and their internal landscape their psychology psychodynamics are very very different that’s why there was a clear need to invent or to come up with the covert borderline diagnosis because in clinical practice this is something every therapy would
10. 03:30 tell you exists it is just that aadim took many decades to catch up with reality as it usually does so my name is saky I’m the author of malignance self love narcissism Revisited I’m also a former visiting professor of psychology and currently on
11. 03:48 the faculty of Cups Commonwealth for international Advanced and professional studies and the video you’re about to watch is based mostly on the work work of Cooper the late Arnold Cooper and akar Salman akar starting in 1989 when they were the first to describe the
12. 04:09 covert or fragile or shy uh narcissist so let us delve right in and use the scheme of akar and Cooper applied to the covert borderline and then try to see how the elements of covert borderline would interact with the elements of a covert narcissist and what would it bring what
13. 04:41 would it create what kind of U what kind of hurricane melstrom it will create start with the fact that the covert borderline is slightly antisocial not full-fledged not criminal but definitely defiant contumacious resentful or rejecting of authority and to some extent
14. 05:11 Reckless so these are the antisocial dimensions of covert borderline the ones that are captured with Robert Robert hairs pclr um type one factor one so there is some fact one psychopathy involved in the covert borderline diagnosis the covert borderline exactly like the covert
15. 05:41 narcissist has a false sense of grandiosity false self it perceives KET borderline perceives himself and the majority of kovet borderlines I think are men the C borderline perceives himself as this inflated fantastic all knowing all powerful perfect
16. 06:07 being maybe not Godlike like the classic narcissist but not far from it let’s say an authority figure a guru a teacher a leader a guide A Healer a rescuer a savior um the most intelligent Superior intellectually or in some other way etc etc so there’s a strong element of grand
17. 06:29 it in the covert borderline similarly there’s a strong element of grandiosity in the covert narcissist but in the covert narcissist the grandiosity is compensatory the covert narcissist has a core of Shame a sense of inferiority and inadequacy lack of worth and we call
18. 06:54 this a bad object so while the covert narcissist has has a bad object as a constellation of injects a constellation of voices that keep informing the covert narcissist that is not good enough that is a failure that is a loser that is going nowhere that is
19. 07:15 inadequate the covert borderline doesn’t have such a constellation of voices the covert borderline in other words does not have a dominant bad object and that is because the borderline succeeded to overcome the bed object the covert borderline succeeded
20. 07:37 through for example accomplishments in life to supplant the bed object to suppress it somehow to convert it into essentially a good object the covert borderlines bad object emanates from childhood these are injects of important people in the covert borderlines life
21. 07:58 for example parental figures mother um peers and so on so borderline starts off with a bad object but then dedicates his life to falsifying the bad object proving to the bad object that the bad object is wrong so ultimately the covert borderline ends up with a good object
22. 08:22 and in this sense the covert borderline is very very similar to the overt naris now we today are reconceiving of overt grandio narcissism is a form of psychopathy and so the covert borderline might Al also be considered or conceived of as another variant of
23. 08:48 psychopathy or antisocial personality disorder definitely in this sense so here we are there’s a covert borderline with an essentially good object it’s a self- invent vented good object it’s a self-created good object it’s grandio it’s fantastic it’s counterfactual in
24. 09:05 many cases it’s a piece of fiction in short it’s a Fantasy Defense but the covert narcissist has a bad object and so the covert narcissist would attempt to somehow appropriate the covert borderlines good object covert narcissist in other words would try to somehow merge or fuse or
25. 09:33 even take over the covert borderline condition the covert borderline manipulate the covert borderline threaten the covert borderline blackmail the covert borderline into a situation where the covert borderline would become an extension of the covert narcissist
26. 09:49 because remember all types of narcissist whether grandio and overt and whether covert and fragile and and shy all narciss are in incapable of perceiving other people as external objects they internalize other people inject them incorporate them and convert them into
27. 10:10 internal objects and they continue to interact only with the internal objects so when the covert narcissist comes across a covert borderline the covert narcissist automatically and immediately snapshots the covert borderline converts the the covert borderline into an
28. 10:28 internal object and the covert narcissist continues to interact with this internal object but in the case of the covert borderline there’s an added reason to the snapshotting and later to the coercive snapshotting an added reason and that added reason is that the
29. 10:46 covert narcissist cets wants desires to take over to leverage to access the covert borderlines good op object it’s as if the covert narcissist is saying I don’t have a good object of my own I want the covert borderline good object it’s going to become my good
30. 11:09 object and I will heal I will heal so the relationship between the covert narcissis and the covert borderline is a typical Carman triangle where the covert Nares P pedestalize the covert borderline Idol IES and idealizes the covert borderline at least initially but
31. 11:34 not in order to somehow create a relationship with the covert borderline but in order to abscond with the covert borderlines good object to be able to say I own the covert borderline therefore I own the covert Border Lines essential goodness superiority and
32. 11:57 perfection don’t forget that narcissists of all kinds and all types envy people now they don’t only envy people they Envy a potential good object inside themselves and outside themselves when the narcissist comes across a good object in someone else and even when the
33. 12:21 narcissist comes across a good object inside himself he his Envy is triggered that’s why shockingly narcissists Envy themselves sometimes and this is not an observation by Sak that’s an observation by melan Klein so the initial reaction of the covert
34. 12:45 narcissist when she comes across a covert borderline and again with covert narcissist he she are interchangeable when she comes across a covert borderline her initial reaction is double one Envy extreme Envy which is
35. 13:03 transformed into aggression and second reaction is I want him I want the the good object inside this covert borderline I want to own this cover borderline so it’s covetousness coupled with Envy in order to compensate somehow for the innate inferiority the morose
36. 13:26 self-doubts EOD disty ego in congruence discrepancy ego discrepancy the wrongness of being a covert narcissist and the uh kind of defenses that are triggered by this constant sense of Shame the CT narcissist is a failure it’s a form of permanent collapse it’s
37. 13:53 not only the inability to obtain narcissistic Supply it’s not only the failure the real life failure they trying to make a Mark or to to be remembered or to live a legacy it’s also the inability to cope with a bad object it’s also the failure to somehow self-regulate and
38. 14:15 self-control this the covert narcissism is just another name for someone a narcissist who got in touch with his or her shame primordial Shame atavistic Shame childhood shame and this shame dysregulates the covert narcissist this shame actually drives
39. 14:40 the covert narcissist to the point of a borderline personality organization and here comes the covert borderline it can take away the shame or at least it can isolate the covert narcissist from the covert narcissist shame it can create a firewall a partition a
40. 15:02 fence between the covert narcissist and this reservoir of humiliation negation and Bridge of boundaries and inability to separate an individual an ability to become the covert borderline provides in short protection and it is the antisocial element or Psychopathic element in the C
41. 15:25 borderline that most Appeals to the covert narcissis remember my theory of self states where the psychopathic self- state is a protector and this is like an external Psychopathic self State the covert borderline covert borderline is an outside psychopath who can protect me
42. 15:45 and this appeals a lot to the covert narcissist so she forms a relationship which is essentially a kind of dependency but it’s a dependency with nefarious and pernicious intentions however unconscious it’s a dependency between predator and prey let’s say in an
43. 16:05 ecosystem the narciss the covert narcissist is the Predator not the covert borderline covert borderlines uh as you will see momentarily very much into love into relationships they love their children for example really not like not like the narcissist they really love the children
44. 16:26 and and so on we’ll come to that the covert narcissist is done on the hunt the covert narcissist is hunting for a source of narcissistic Supply however by proxy and vicariously on the one hand and on the other hand self-regulation external self
45. 16:45 regulation in this sense of course the covert narcissist is very much like a borderline but at that point the covert narcissist has to hand over control to the covert border line if you if you are regulated from the outside it becomes an external locus of
46. 17:06 control which sits well with alloplastic defenses the covert border covert narcissist gradually would begin to blame the cover borderline for anything that goes wrong mood ability emotional abbility emotional disregulation um mistakes failures defeats everything is
47. 17:26 a covert border Line’s fault it will become acrimonious the alloplastic defenses of the covert narcissist because of the external locus of control these defenses are triggered massively and recurrently repeatedly there’s no control of this so the covert borderline becomes a target
48. 17:48 of the covert narcissist and she as usual engages in passive aggressive behaviors she undermines the relationship she bages everything in order to take down the covert borderline kind of to bring the covert borderline down to her level and to induce in him
49. 18:10 her State of Mind of course she fails this go borderline has strong narcissistic defenses and is a bit of a psychopath but the power play in the Mind Games start all almost from day one because the very presence of the covert borderline and his psychological
50. 18:33 composition and Constitution trigger the covert narcissist badly so why if she’s triggered so badly why does she seek a relationship with a covert border covert borderline why not with an overt narcissist well that’s because only a specific type of covert narcissist would
51. 18:55 be attracted to a covert borderline some some covert narcissist would be attracted to a classic narcissist to an overt grandio narcissist and this subtype of covert narcissist is known as inverted narcissist other types of covert narcissist are much less submissive
52. 19:15 they’re much more agentic they have a modicum of personal autonomy and Independence they’re self- sustaining and self-sufficient this kind of covert noesis would gravitate towards the cover borderline because under the overt or grandio narcissist you’re supposed to be
53. 19:34 100% obedient you’re supposed to say self- negate supposed to be totally submissive you’re supposed to fit into the sh fantasy as a mommy an ancient Egyptian mummy with no life of your own no agency no Independence no personal autonomy many covert narcissists are Way
54. 19:52 Beyond this they’re more high functioning so they would gravitate towards the covert borderline one of the reasons is that the covert borderline is preoccupied with fantasies of Ideal and outstanding love love is a major driver in the covert borderlines
55. 20:14 psychology the covert borderline has an undue sense of uniqueness entitlement his alop plastic defenses and in this sense covert borderline resembles very much a narcissist but what sets the covert borderline apart from the narcissist dramatically and
56. 20:34 irrevocably is that the covert borderline can and does experience positive emotions most notably love the narcissist is incapable of ever experiencing positive emotions like love ever narcis is dead inside there’s an empty schizoid core there it’s howling winds in in an
57. 21:00 abandoned Corridor that’s the narcissist the covert borderline is way more human way more emotional and in this sense and this is why he is a borderline borderlines have empathy it’s reduced diminished empathy by the way but they do have empathy and
58. 21:20 they definitely have emotions they’re overwhelmed by emotions their emotions are so strong that they threaten to drown them they d regulated that’s the case with the covert borderline and among all emotions the covert borderline is heavily into
59. 21:38 love covert borderline has a good object inside himself it’s a self-generated good object it’s partly fictitious it’s very fantastic but it’s still essentially a good object the bad object
60. 21:55 that the covert borderline started with in ch childhood is all but defunct and repressed so because the cover borderline has a good object he is capable of love and the covert borderline being a borderline is essentially able to experience emotions without
61. 22:24 without being totally overwhelmed or disregulated although there is this emotional disregulation we’ll come to it in a minute they covert borderline dares dares to experience emotions especially love because he is um he has
62. 22:47 a a good object and he’s a bit a bit Psychopathic he’s a bit more in control it’s a bit tougher bit more rough usually also much more experienced in life so the the cover borderline goes for love of course love in the covert borderlines case also fits into the narcissist
63. 23:11 shared fantasy covert narcissist and overt narcissist impose a shared Fantasy on their interpersonal relationships definitely in Intimate Relationships the covert borderline ability to respond with love fits perfectly into the covert narcissist shared
64. 23:32 fantasy this is by the way why grandio and overt narcissist gravitate towards borderlines classic borderlines because classic borderlines can reciprocate with love now the covert borderlines Love is Real Love even I would say healthy love but the covert narcissist in the couple
65. 23:53 converts in her mind the covert border Line’s love into a fantasy so the covert borderline loves the covert noesis really and the covert narcissist uh uses the covert border Line’s love to augment butress and support a shared fantasy and so they end up both of them
66. 24:19 end up in a shared fantasy because the covert borderline loves the covert narcissist truly he wishes to gratify and satisfy her not submissively not obediently he wants her to be happy so he says to himself if fantasy if the shared fantasy is her
67. 24:39 thing I’m going to give her a shared fantasy because it would make her happy it’s like you know if if she wants a car I’ll buy her a car if the Shar fantasy involves money by the way material Goods or a lifestyle luxurious Lifestyle the cover borderline if he’s if he can
68. 24:56 afford it would provided the covert borderline would do anything to make his covert narcissist happy and that’s why he often finds himself entrapped in the covert narcissist shared fantasy it’s the same to some extent with the classical borderline classical
69. 25:16 borderline requires external regulation she needs an intimate partner to regulate her emotions stabilize her labile moods and so on so when the narcissist offers the borderline I will do all this for you I will regulate you I’ll will stabilize you I’ll be safe but
70. 25:34 you have to fit into M fantasy the borderline the classic borderline strikes this Fusian bargain agrees to it same with the covert borderline when the covert narcissist says to the covert borderline I’m going to love you I’m going to provide you
71. 25:52 with the love that you’re looking for but my condition is that we do it in a fantastic setting in a parle C in a virtual reality the covet borderline goes for it and says yes now because the COV borderline is a borderline mind you he has modability he is emotionally
72. 26:13 disregulated um and so on so forth but the difference between the covert borderline and the classical borderline is rationalization the covert borderline uses his intellect he intellectual he uses his intellect to control justify explain predict his emotional
73. 26:39 disregulation when the covert borderline experiences ups and downs mood swings when he experiences emotional disregulation he immediately refers to his intelligence to his intellect and he uses his intellect his brain he uses it to somehow make sense of the disregulation
74. 27:04 and the lability and that way get them under control and get rid of them in effect so while the classical borderline simply falls apart and disintegrates and runs away something known as approach avoidance repetition compulsion she experiences a engulfment anxiety she
75. 27:27 runs away while the classical borderline simply reaches the point of psychosis in effect the covert borderline is much more rational intellectual called calculated detached able to observe observe himself and what’s happening to him from the outside is a bit like a
76. 27:50 scientist and observer and so he is much more in control of his own internal situation ation the reactance of the covert borderline Defiance Consciousness even recklessness serve to control and counteract disregulation and mudl ability because the covert borderline can
77. 28:14 self-medicate with for example risky situations Adventures intellectual stimulus and so on is much more in control now this Appeals very much to the covert narcissist because the covert narcissist is able to regulate his her seething Envy rage sense of Injustice and what have
78. 28:46 you she’s able to regulate all these via the mechanisms of the covert borderline so while the covert narcissist always feels ashamed sometimes guilty definitely always fragile always vulnerable always anxious passive aggressive full of pent up rage and
79. 29:10 shame and humiliated all the time she can then resort to the covert borderline and with his overpowering overriding intellect he can calm the CT covert narcissist down can regulate her and stabilize her by the way he would have the same effect on a borderline on a classic
80. 29:33 borderline so the covert narcissist is in a in a Relentless search for safety and for completion she wants to beh whole she can do it with a classic narcissist if she’s inverted but she can do it also with a covert borderline if she’s much more
81. 29:53 independent and so on the CT narcissist is sensitive to criticism hypervigilant and realistic setbacks which everyone takes in stride can demolish devastate the covert narcissist but it is the covert borderline that is there like a rock always safe always stable always with a
82. 30:19 solution always with an explanation makes sense of of the covert narcissist life Imus it with many purpose and Direction an external regulator a goal a guide a guru a teacher she loves it initially okay the cover border Line’s problem in a relationship with covert narcissist is
83. 30:47 that exactly like the psychopath the covert borderline is a very low threshold of boredom he doesn’t tolerate boredom he he gets bored very easily he gets bored very easily and um the covert narcissist is very boring unlike the grandios or overt
84. 31:11 narcissist the covert narcissist has a constricted life very limited life usually and when she does have an adventurous interesting life it is so out there of the charts and crazy that it is actually threatening rather than interesting so the covert narcissist is
85. 31:38 unable to provide the covert borderline with the intellectual and existential stimuli that he requires to keep him interested to keep him on his toes accepting extremely rare cases also the covert narcissist has has an impaired reality testing
86. 31:57 and difficulty in Reading other people’s social and and other cues she has a limia she’s a bit autistic so she doesn’t really pick up on the signals of the covert borderline she fails to read him properly and therefore she cannot provide him with
87. 32:16 what he needs in a timely uh fashion in real time so that creates a lot of frustration and a lot of aggression in the cover borderline which in turn terrify the covert narcissist or provoke in her extreme passive aggression because it triggers her shame she again
88. 32:38 has failed in a relationship for example so Bo um this issue of stimulation
89. 32:50 boredom and so on so forth is very critical actually in the relationships between covert borderline and cover narcissist and the covert borderline often drives the covert narcissist into depression and anxiety with his constant scrutiny analysis criticism um and kind of
90. 33:16 dissatisfaction disappointment disillusionment disenchantment C narcissist this enhances the covert narcissist sense of failure and defeat which Taps into her infinite reservoir of Shame inadequacy and inferiority while the covert borderline covert borderline initial
91. 33:41 reactions are always externalized for example is very honest very open very direct often abrasive externalizes frustration and aggression and and only then comes down and internalizes things the covert narcissist is exactly the opposite she internalizes and internalizes and
92. 34:05 internalizes until the Rage or the Envy or the negative effectivity reach some critical point and then she explodes or implodes something bad happens it’s like a nuclear Chain Reaction now suicidal ideation is rare in covert borderlines and relatively rare in covert narcissist
93. 34:32 so there is no problem here there is no fear that the covert borderline might drive the covert narcissist to Suicide or to aggression that would be self-directed and and dangerous this danger is low but the covert narcissist can trigger the cover borderline to aggress
94. 34:53 against third parties in a variety of ways she’s very mavan she can lie to him tell him stories mislead him etc etc and very often she uses these deceptive powers to drive the covert borderline to conflict with third parties that the covert narcissist consider as a considers as a
95. 35:16 threat as threats or that the covert narcissist feels have humiliated her or shamed her or criticized her or whatever so whenever there’s narcissistic injury let alone narcissistic modification the covert narcissist would attempt to use the covert borderline to
96. 35:37 punish those who caused her the injury and the mortification of course the covert borderline often narcissistically injures the covert narcissist sometimes causes heroification in which case she would try to induce in him self-directed aggression she would make his life hell
97. 35:59 try to distort his reality a form of gaslighting if you wish uh ruin the fantasy or change the fantasy into a phantasmagoric nightmare so that he will be driven to Suicide she rarely succeeds luckily because um covert borderlines are not prone to Suicide
98. 36:21 self-mutilation um and so on so forth they do have some addictive behaviors so the covert narcissist can drive the covert borderline to abuse substances and this is this is the ultimate in self-destructiveness in the case of the covert borderline now both the covert
99. 36:42 narcissist and the covert borderline are prone to dissociation they have dissociative self States they have selective attention they confabulate both of them confabulate in order to bridge memory GR gaps they engage in massive repression and denial they have
100. 37:01 a primary Psychopathic protector as I said the covert narcissist has extreme Amnesia this is less the case with the covert borderline But ultimately both of them de depersonalize or D realize so they have they’re both in dissociative states on the one hand this fact is
101. 37:25 protective of the relationship because they can forget things gloss over things ignore things conflicts or you know and move on on the other hand this creates a lot of friction misunderstandings debates arguments you did this I didn’t do this you did do it I have proof I
102. 37:46 don’t have proof it’s a mess so the relationship becomes adversarial as if they were in a court of law arguing all the time over some complicated case adversarial and acrimonious the kovet borderline is prone to paranoid ideation and is very hypervigilant similarly the covert
103. 38:10 narcissist is unable to genuinely depend on other people to trust other people and is equally hypervigilant you can imagine two paranoid personalities together can imagine what’s happening there’s a lot of mutual suspicion distrust crosschecking spying on each
104. 38:27 other trying to analyze each other as a way to gain a modicum of ability to predict future behavior and so on and so forth there’s a lot of walking on EX shells and and frankly a sense of looming nebulous fuzzy threat in the air not knowing exactly what might happen now the C
105. 38:55 borderline uh um is capable of long-term very deep relationships and then transitions to numerous but very shallow relationships and then transitions again to stable relationships in this sense the kovet borderline is different to the narcissist is much more comparable to
106. 39:18 the classic borderline the covert narcissist is a narcissist so her intimacy is either instant similar to the history on it or fake so she could engage in casual sex for example and misinterpret the situation believing that it would become an intimate relationship or she can be
107. 39:41 in a in a relationship and fake the intimacy so this is a bad fit this is incompatible with the borderline because the borderline is a covert borderline I’m sorry it’s incompatible with a covert borderline because the covert borderline has an
108. 40:00 intense need for Love from other people he’s in in many ways a people pleaser um when he is in a primary Psychopathic phase when his anti social um aspects or Dimensions come to the for and manifest is not empathic but usually is actually empathic and he values his
109. 40:23 children actually he values his children all over his spouse he would he would place his children above his own relationship with his spouse he values them he loves them he takes care of them it’s a good father or mother the covert borderline yeah not so the covert
110. 40:45 narcissist she’s fake she’s hesitant when it comes to intimacy she dreads intimacy actually she has abandonment anxiety an impostor syndrome and then she has engulfment anxiety exactly like the classic borderline and fear of intimacy she has rejection
111. 41:02 sensitivity U she is a control freak and so on so why does the covert borderline why does it covert would a covert b line team up with a covert narcissist he’s capable of real love she’s not why would he team up with her because she’s deceptive simply put the covert
112. 41:23 narcissist is extremely deceptive much more than the overt or grandio narcissist so the covert borderline is in love with love he’s in search of the ideal fantastic love he wants to be deceived he renders himself Gable he wants to fit into the covert narcissist fantasy because his
113. 41:47 love is fantastic he cannot conceive of love the cover borderline cannot conceive of a love that is not a fantasy that is not not ideal that is less than perfect all engulfing all consuming his his desire is like a fire is self-combusting when he’s in love so
114. 42:09 the covert narcissist knows how to push his love buttons to deceive him to mislead him into believing that she is the ideal partner because she is also into fantasy exactly like him and is capable to provide him with the Perfection and ideal form of love that he’s searching
115. 42:30 for but in reality she’s chronically envious of the covert borderline talents possessions capacity for deep object relations she she she hates him there’s ambivalence there even when the covert narcissist professes to love the covert borderline she actually hates him there is hate
116. 42:58 there and so she becomes passive aggressive Solen Surly self-denying other denying cunning premeditated and very often malevolent she begins to Target the covert borderline with intermittent reinforcement disregard for his time for his limitations obligations and
117. 43:24 resources trying to undermine in sabotage sabotage his life his professional life and career included and the intermittent reinforcement hot and cold I love you I hate you you know resemble very much resembles very much a borderline but it’s intended to
118. 43:42 ruin the covert borderline she’s on a mission of disintegrating the cover borderline and she’s very unpredictable and she’s very explosive very impulsive sometimes even Reckless situation for the KET borderline becomes untenable intolerable unacceptable
119. 44:05 unbearable and so he reacts with a combination of scorn criticism mockery um analysis intellectualizing and rationalizing the situation um trying sometimes to justify the co noesis and sometimes to self-justified so pendula vacillating oscillating
120. 44:31 between autoplastic defenses and all alloplastic defenses sometimes blaming the Nar the covert narcissist sometimes blaming himself for what’s happening and this generates what is known as pseudo humility the covert borderline would develop a form of humbleness and modesty
121. 44:50 that is intended to disguise his growing unease frustration and anger with the covert narcissist for what she’s doing to him at some point the covert borderline would seek to escape to somehow evade the situation because extremely painful extremely hurtful the covert borderline
122. 45:12 is capable of experiencing deep hurt and deep pain grounded in a love gun orai a love gun bed covert narcissist is incapable of any of this but the cover borderline is really hurt he bleeding and so he begins he defaults to narcissistic to to his narcissistic side
123. 45:37 he becomes hisonic attention seeking invested in narcissistic Supply in some way he becomes sometimes Reckless he begins to hurt other people or affect other people adversely this is all unintentional this is his narcissistic these are his narcissistic defenses kicking in some
124. 45:58 covert borderlines in very extreme situations become sadistic punitive goal oriented they triangulate they cheat they they misbehave egregiously now the covert narcissis reacts to all this by interpers via interpersonal triangulation coupled with people
125. 46:24 pleasing so she would Fain and fake a response of being foring being submissive obedient uh listening to the covert borderline complimenting him for his insights and amazing sagacity and wisdom and so so people pleasing at the same time conspiring against him manipulating
126. 46:49 him triangulating and very often cheating this reflects the covert narcissist approach avoidance repetition compulsion and preemptive abandonment coupled with object inconstancy yes exactly like the classic borderline covert NES are drama queens at this stage in the relationship
127. 47:15 the covert borderline is almost completely a narcissist he begins to go through the idealized devalue discard revert or replace cycle so he begins to devalue his partner attempt to discard her replace her with someone else exactly like a narcissist indistinguishable clinically
128. 47:36 from a narcissist now the convert narcissist is subject subject to a sense of nagging aimlessness no purpose no Direction no meaning she can’t make sense of her life she experiences social anxiety she has a sh shallow vocational commitment is very few of them have roaring meteoric
129. 48:02 careers because they’re not committed it’s a dilatant or charatan like attitude multiple but superficial interests chronic bordom as I mentioned and the aesthetic tast taste or any kind of taste is often ill informed or imitative so it’s like mimicry emulation
130. 48:23 in imitation on the surface it’s a supercilious and superficial phenomenon a surface phenomenon the cover borderline on the other hand is socially Charming charismatic incapable of consistent hard work which is done mainly to seek admiration and adulation and recognition
131. 48:42 money and power so it’s a form of pseudo sublimation but still the cover borderline often has very successful businesses careers you know vocations famous in his field accomplished not so the covert narcissist covert borderline has intense ambition
132. 49:03 preoccupation uh with appearances but based on substance Co narcissist is the exact opposite this creates enormous friction between them because it triggers the covert narcissist Envy destructive Envy destructive envy that she cannot absolutely cannot control it
133. 49:22 devours her consumes her her and she must get rid of the source of the Envy her partner the covert borderline and here we come into a territory that involves unethical conduct sometimes criminal between the two parties they deteriorate their relationship
134. 49:46 degenerates into a territory that is at best immoral but very frequently immoral and sometimes Criminal you see the covert borderline is moral he a moral person but his morality is very idiosyncratic self- selected it’s like a buffet he tailors his morality he makes he makes
135. 50:12 he makes his own morality his own law he is a law unto himself makes his own rules as he goes along so his morality is uneven it involves caricature modesty or pseudo humility some kind of activism apparent enthusiasm for sociopolitical Affairs but it’s all highly highly
136. 50:35 individualistic H covert borderlines don’t do belonging they don’t affiliate themselves with groups they their allegiance is mainly to themselves so they have personal standards and they measure themselves compared to these personal standards and if they ever experience
137. 50:55 guilt and shame it’s because they haven’t matched up to their own expectations they’re inordinately relativistic when it comes to ethnic moral issues ethical issues and so on so forth I said relativistic I didn’t say uh flexible they’re not flexible
138. 51:18 actually they’re rigid but they’re relativistic in the sense that they don’t adhere to group Moray or conventions they don’t conform they’re highly highly special unique they have pretended contempt for material goods and money sometimes and sometimes exactly the opposite
139. 51:43 admiration for money and so on but when they hold money in contempt ostentatiously is because they want to attain a position of spiritual Guru lead leader guide they have an irreverence towards Authority unless it is vested in them so the picture is that the COV
140. 52:06 borderline is actually a moral agent a moral creature highly ethical rigidly ethical actually but on his own terms and conditions now compare this to the covert narcissist she shifts values to gain favor and narcissistic Supply she has almost identity diffusion or
141. 52:28 identity disturbance she has one set of values today another tomorrow she is a pathological liar she is a materialistic lifestyle very often and delinquent Tendencies so again it’s an area of friction between the covert borderline and his covert narcissistic partner she
142. 52:48 would not adhere to the covert borderlines morality and ethics because she doesn’t adhere to any any system of morality or or or or ethics not even her own she doesn’t have a system of morality of or ethics even her own system so she is a moral and then
143. 53:11 immoral and this really IRS irritates and aggravates the cover borderline they have a lot of fights regarding these issues the covert borderline is capable of marital stability capable of that and his phases of marital relationship or diadic stability
144. 53:33 on the other hand in between long-term relationships the covert borderline is actually a narcissist is coldly seductive he is greedy regarding sex H he has extramarital Affairs sometimes and he is promiscuous highly promiscuous he has an uninhibited sexual life so
145. 53:58 it’s like the C borderline has a split personality if you wish when he is in a Long embedded in a long-term relationship usually he would be loyal usually although extramarital Affairs are a possibility in most cases he would be loyal stable and would work as a team
146. 54:19 with his partner for the common goals of the couple when he is not embedded in a long-term relationship is a narcissist the worst kind of narcissist is called is calculated he seductive is greedy is uninhibited when it comes to sex so the only possible match between the
147. 54:43 covert borderline and the covert narcissist is when the covert borderline is not embedded in a long-term relationship because the covert nesis is unable to be in love unable to experience love or to remain in love she has an impaired capacity to view the
148. 55:00 Romantic partner as a separate individual with his or her own interests rights values fears hopes wishes Etc she is unable to genuinely comprehend uh taboos including the incest taboo and she has occasional sexual deviant uh deviant behaviors
149. 55:19 paraphilia so she fits the cover border line in between relationships in between his relationship now the co borderline May of course find himself trapped in a longterm relationship with a covert narcissist but this kind of relationship will ultimately fail and fall apart
150. 55:42 there’ll be a lot of breakup a lot of heart heartbreak in the breakup because sexually the covert borderline and the covert narcissist are not compatible with when they are inside a deep meaningful intimate romantic relationship the CET borderline truly loves is truly
151. 56:04 committed truly pursues the goals of the couple is truly loyal the covert narcissist isn’t any of these things even in a long-term relationship finally there’s a problem in terms of cognitive Styles the cette borderline usually is highly intelligent and engages in in um
152. 56:31 intellectual pyot Technics is very curious wishes to learn he decisive is opinion opinionated acquires knowledge there’s knowledge acquisition although the C borderline uses shortcuts exactly like the narcissist um his perception of reality is a bit skewed he has impaired reality
153. 56:52 testing exactly like the narcissist but he loves language and is often very articulate and impressively knowledgeable theous thinking black and white thinking splitting doesn’t help and ultimately the covert uh borderline usually doesn’t amount to
154. 57:15 much intellectually because of these problems in in cognitive of cognitive distortions and cognitive biases but he still very cuts a very impressive figure
155. 57:30 intellectually when it comes to the covert narcissist that is never the case had the covert narcissist been successful intellectually she would have become a cerebral grandio narcissist but she fails the root of the collapse is the covert narcissist
156. 57:48 inability to accomplish anything she has exactly like the K borderline she splits she has theot was thinking but she also catastrophizes her knowledge is often limited to trivia we call it headline intelligence she’s forgetful of details any anything from names to
157. 58:07 historical details she’s impaired in the capacity to learn new skills because of the bad object that keeps informing her that she is about to um to fail yeah she has a tendency to change meanings of reality when she’s faced with a threat to her sense of self-worth and
158. 58:26 self-esteem so she wouldn’t mind to lie and to falsify it’s not lying actually it’s confabulation but she wouldn’t mind to confabulate and to falsify her language and speaking are used strictly for regulating her selfesteem and sense of self it’s very
159. 58:42 limited the covert narcissist is a very limited being intellectually and has little to offer to the covert borderline and so the covert borderline is in a constant struggle to widen his loved ones the covert narcissist Horizons to teach her things to educate
160. 59:02 her to bring her to his level so that he can have partner an intellectual partner someone to talk to an interlocutor but it always fails so now the critical question there are so many incompatibilities fundamental incompatibilities unbridgeable incompatibilities discrepancies
161. 59:25 an abyss between the covert borderline and the covert narcissist how on Earth do they end up being together the answer is twofold the Border covert borderlines wish to be deceived and the covert narcissist will to deceive him the covert borderline is hungry for
162. 59:49 love he’s starved of Love he’s looking for a fantastic idea ideal relationship including children and the covert and he he’s willing to deceive himself to lie to himself to falsify reality to ignore warning signs to suppress any doubts in order to finally find the partner that
163. 60:14 he’s been looking for and the covert narcissist provides him with what he wants to hear with a fantasy of perfection and utter compatibility which he laps he Gorges on he can’t let go of it he he she she renders him an addict he becomes addicted not to her not to
164. 60:36 her because soon the cover borderline wakes up to the covert narcissist inhering deficiencies and delinquencies but he becomes addicted to the fantasy he can’t let go of the dream and the covert narcissist exactly like the noesis is a creature of dream there’s
165. 60:58 nobody there there’s only a narrative a story and this is a story The covert borderline wants to
166. 61:10 hear