Victim, Narcissist: Reality or Role-playing? (Role Theory)

Summary

Role theory offers a profound lens to understand identity, social behavior, and the destructive dynamics of narcissistic relationships. Roles are not merely performances but fundamental to how we interact, form our identities, and relate to others. However, when roles become confusing, contradictory, or are manipulated—as in narcissistic abuse—individuals face severe identity disruption and psychological distress. Awareness of these dynamics is the first step toward healing, reclaiming authentic identity, and establishing healthy social connections. By exploring role theory and its applications, we can better comprehend the intricacies of human behavior and the delicate balance between societal expectations and personal authenticity. Victim, Narcissist: Reality or Role-playing? (Role Theory)

Abuse, Expectations, narcissism, narcissist, Personality, Psychology, Reality, Role, Sam Vaknin, Vaknin Summaries

August 25, 2023

Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. Victim, Narcissist: Reality or Role-playing? (Role Theory)

00:02 someone asked me I’ve been talking to myself is that a bad sign and I said no way I’ve been talking to myself for years via YouTube very few people watch my videos and I think it has to do with my ten dollar words and my echoing mic both visible signs of my overwhelming contempt According to some of you so here’s another video no one is going to watch about Roland Theory is your personality is your identity and is God forbid your narcissism are these merely roles that you play or are they reflective someone asked me I’ve been talking to myself is that a bad sign and I said no way I’ve been talking to myself for years via YouTube very few people watch my videos and I think it has to do with my ten dollar words and my echoing mic both visible signs of my overwhelming contempt According to some of you so here’s another video no one is going to watch about Roland Theory is your personality is your identity and is God forbid your narcissism are these merely roles that you play or are they reflective
00:55 and emanate from your essence essentialism versus representationalism or phenomenology if you wish you see ten dollar words and the movie and the video hasn’t started yet I am incorrigible incorrigible another ten dollar word let’s delve right in my name is Sam vacnin I’m the author of malignant self-love narcissism Revisited I’m also a former professor of psychology and currently on the faculty of siops role Theory has two Dimensions individual and social role theory is a conceptual explanation and emanate from your essence essentialism versus representationalism or phenomenology if you wish you see ten dollar words and the movie and the video hasn’t started yet I am incorrigible incorrigible another ten dollar word let’s delve right in my name is Sam vacnin I’m the author of malignant self-love narcissism Revisited I’m also a former professor of psychology and currently on the faculty of siops role Theory has two Dimensions individual and social role theory is a conceptual explanation
01:41 of social behavior but via or reduced to individuals the actions of individuals are defined by the role that they occupy in various social settings for example in relationships so if you are a father if you’re a husband if you are a member of a group or a cult if you’re a leader an employee a boss these are all roles these roles are assigned to you by Society via scripts and by following the scripts the script you actually adopt the role called it bad faith he said that these roles distance you from your authentic self of social behavior but via or reduced to individuals the actions of individuals are defined by the role that they occupy in various social settings for example in relationships so if you are a father if you’re a husband if you are a member of a group or a cult if you’re a leader an employee a boss these are all roles these roles are assigned to you by Society via scripts and by following the scripts the script you actually adopt the role called it bad faith he said that these roles distance you from your authentic self
02:29 from who you really are so Sato believed that role play is one way of betraying your true Essence your true quality wrong Theory suggests that role play or playing roles is actually a very good thing it says that the roles that individuals establish and follow and adhere to create exchanges between individuals AKA relationships there’s an interdependence that emerges from playing wrong and this interdependence is at the core of social coordination and self-efficacy so what is a social role what is a role it’s a from who you really are so Sato believed that role play is one way of betraying your true Essence your true quality wrong Theory suggests that role play or playing roles is actually a very good thing it says that the roles that individuals establish and follow and adhere to create exchanges between individuals AKA relationships there’s an interdependence that emerges from playing wrong and this interdependence is at the core of social coordination and self-efficacy so what is a social role what is a role it’s a
03:18 set of attitudes trades characteristic behaviors expected of an individual in a particular setting or environment or position or position not opposition or position so the individual performs functions and and enact speech acts and actions only within a social context in this sense role theory is relational it’s not individual individualistic it’s not like for example Freud or Jung who discuss the individual as an atomized unit young spoke of the constellated self as if it as if it emanates out of thin air set of attitudes trades characteristic behaviors expected of an individual in a particular setting or environment or position or position not opposition or position so the individual performs functions and and enact speech acts and actions only within a social context in this sense role theory is relational it’s not individual individualistic it’s not like for example Freud or Jung who discuss the individual as an atomized unit young spoke of the constellated self as if it as if it emanates out of thin air
04:12 crystallizes out of thin air La can on the other hand placed Eugene emphasis on relationships as the Nexus of forming personalities and identities same with object relation schools so role Theory firmly belongs in the relational School of Psychology the social context defines specific particular functioning and together they create a role so being a spouse for example is a role which is comprised of a set of predetermined socially acceptable sublimated actions and is valid only within a social context known as marriage crystallizes out of thin air La can on the other hand placed Eugene emphasis on relationships as the Nexus of forming personalities and identities same with object relation schools so role Theory firmly belongs in the relational School of Psychology the social context defines specific particular functioning and together they create a role so being a spouse for example is a role which is comprised of a set of predetermined socially acceptable sublimated actions and is valid only within a social context known as marriage
05:01 okay get it now it’s not as easy as that because people can get seriously confused and Disturbed and diffused when it comes to roles momentarily in this solipsistic video I’m going to discuss identity I’m going to discuss social functioning we’re going to venture far afield leveraging growth Theory to understand diverse phenomena including narcissism but first we need the basic tools we need the terminology we need to get acquainted with the rudimentary concepts of raw Theory so role confusion Road confusion okay get it now it’s not as easy as that because people can get seriously confused and Disturbed and diffused when it comes to roles momentarily in this solipsistic video I’m going to discuss identity I’m going to discuss social functioning we’re going to venture far afield leveraging growth Theory to understand diverse phenomena including narcissism but first we need the basic tools we need the terminology we need to get acquainted with the rudimentary concepts of raw Theory so role confusion Road confusion
05:45 is a state of uncertainty about a given social role a role in a group a role in a context a role with other people a relationship a romantic relationship or marriage is a role which is determined partly by your partner within a relationship so but it can be very confusing for example gender roles nowadays are very confused because behaviors that used to be exclusively attributed to May to men or or women male or female today are influx today you could have females who act as men and males act as women is a state of uncertainty about a given social role a role in a group a role in a context a role with other people a relationship a romantic relationship or marriage is a role which is determined partly by your partner within a relationship so but it can be very confusing for example gender roles nowadays are very confused because behaviors that used to be exclusively attributed to May to men or or women male or female today are influx today you could have females who act as men and males act as women
06:36 and so this great gender role confusion later on we will discuss identity confusion which to some extent is coterminous with role confusion but at this stage slowly slowly patience does it Follow Your Leader the Pied Piper that is and listen to the stages of role Theory so role confusion there is something called role deprivation it’s when you’re denied the ability to act in a role that sits well with your psychology or status or education or so when you are unfairly denied or deprived of social roles and so this great gender role confusion later on we will discuss identity confusion which to some extent is coterminous with role confusion but at this stage slowly slowly patience does it Follow Your Leader the Pied Piper that is and listen to the stages of role Theory so role confusion there is something called role deprivation it’s when you’re denied the ability to act in a role that sits well with your psychology or status or education or so when you are unfairly denied or deprived of social roles
07:36 that is role deprivation and one of the effects of Road deprivation is wrong confusion on the one hand and status in Congress in congruence status in congruence is a mismatch between various status dimensions for example your socioeconomic level your income and other parameters of your autobiography or personality for example your level of Education imagine that you hold a PhD a coveted PhD in I don’t know engineering or computer Computer Sciences and yet you can’t make ends meet and you can’t that is role deprivation and one of the effects of Road deprivation is wrong confusion on the one hand and status in Congress in congruence status in congruence is a mismatch between various status dimensions for example your socioeconomic level your income and other parameters of your autobiography or personality for example your level of Education imagine that you hold a PhD a coveted PhD in I don’t know engineering or computer Computer Sciences and yet you can’t make ends meet and you can’t
08:21 find a job that is status in congruence and with creating new role confusion when there is a perceived mismatch between your characteristics in your role in particular contexts this reverses traditional assumptions about correlations between certain elements of your life so for example there is the assumption that the more Highly Educated you are the higher your income and should this not work in real life you would be very confused you you’d also be frustrated and aggressive and angry similarly if your boss is much find a job that is status in congruence and with creating new role confusion when there is a perceived mismatch between your characteristics in your role in particular contexts this reverses traditional assumptions about correlations between certain elements of your life so for example there is the assumption that the more Highly Educated you are the higher your income and should this not work in real life you would be very confused you you’d also be frustrated and aggressive and angry similarly if your boss is much
09:06 younger than you that would also create create dissonance and so on and so forth so this also leads to a perception of Injustice discrimination victimhood so we are beginning to see the emergence of many of of the modern day phenomena as roles in modern post-modern societies have been subjected to heavy attack for example the role of masculinity and as roles have become much more fluid for example gender and even to some extent sexuality in his his traditional roles have withered and Gone with the Wind younger than you that would also create create dissonance and so on and so forth so this also leads to a perception of Injustice discrimination victimhood so we are beginning to see the emergence of many of of the modern day phenomena as roles in modern post-modern societies have been subjected to heavy attack for example the role of masculinity and as roles have become much more fluid for example gender and even to some extent sexuality in his his traditional roles have withered and Gone with the Wind
09:55 and new ones did not replace them for example what’s your role in a date as a man there are non-sexual scripts to help you with this so is as there is be is is there has been a concerted attempt to undermine roles this led to extreme role deprivation status in congruence frustration and passive aggression and a sense of overwhelming victimhood narcissist especially a prone to misperceived status incongruence narcissists are grandiose they are entitled they believe that they deserve much more and new ones did not replace them for example what’s your role in a date as a man there are non-sexual scripts to help you with this so is as there is be is is there has been a concerted attempt to undermine roles this led to extreme role deprivation status in congruence frustration and passive aggression and a sense of overwhelming victimhood narcissist especially a prone to misperceived status incongruence narcissists are grandiose they are entitled they believe that they deserve much more
10:46 than they actually do they they have no accomplishments to talk of usually in the vast majority of cases and yet they believe they should be the boss they should be loaded and celebrated as Geniuses etc etc and when this doesn’t happen they experience status in congruence this is especially true with covert narcissists okay but how do we how do we decide which is the right role for us in rigid conservative patriarchal traditionally societies roles are externalized they’re dictated you learn roles than they actually do they they have no accomplishments to talk of usually in the vast majority of cases and yet they believe they should be the boss they should be loaded and celebrated as Geniuses etc etc and when this doesn’t happen they experience status in congruence this is especially true with covert narcissists okay but how do we how do we decide which is the right role for us in rigid conservative patriarchal traditionally societies roles are externalized they’re dictated you learn roles
11:31 you become acquainted with your roles via the process of socialization and a culture the processes of socialization and acculturation your parents don’t tell you how you should behave and what your role is the firstborn in families all over the Arab world for example firstborns have a special status and special responsibility they substitute for others that’s a role in more flexible societies where everything is in flux everything is negotiable everything is the outcome of consensus and compromise you become acquainted with your roles via the process of socialization and a culture the processes of socialization and acculturation your parents don’t tell you how you should behave and what your role is the firstborn in families all over the Arab world for example firstborns have a special status and special responsibility they substitute for others that’s a role in more flexible societies where everything is in flux everything is negotiable everything is the outcome of consensus and compromise
12:11 in this kind of societies the assignment of rules is autonomous and agentic in other words people assume roles they take on roles and they swap roles they change roles as if they were changing clothes you know or socks so the assumed role is a behavior pattern adopted by a person in the belief that such behavior is expected for a particular position status environmental circumstances set of circumstances so the element of expectation here is very crucial and it is communicated to the individual via in this kind of societies the assignment of rules is autonomous and agentic in other words people assume roles they take on roles and they swap roles they change roles as if they were changing clothes you know or socks so the assumed role is a behavior pattern adopted by a person in the belief that such behavior is expected for a particular position status environmental circumstances set of circumstances so the element of expectation here is very crucial and it is communicated to the individual via
12:56 socialization Society communicates expectations the difference between rigid conservative societies and liberal Progressive societies is it in the former there’s no debate you’re assigned a role and you assume it period in the latter you can challenge often do you can challenge the expectations of society of your family of your mother or your father of the neighbors of your colleagues you name it there’s always a process of adversarial challenging it’s as if in mod in postmodern industrialized socialization Society communicates expectations the difference between rigid conservative societies and liberal Progressive societies is it in the former there’s no debate you’re assigned a role and you assume it period in the latter you can challenge often do you can challenge the expectations of society of your family of your mother or your father of the neighbors of your colleagues you name it there’s always a process of adversarial challenging it’s as if in mod in postmodern industrialized
13:32 westernized societies the whole thing is a huge courtroom drama where there are adversaries and then there’s a verdict only the judge is you okay so taking on a role is a method for dealing with uncertainty about how to behave it’s in a way it’s a kind of script so and in the process is known as role reenactment I will discuss as an example what is known as the sick role the sick role is the behavior expected of a person who is physically ill mentally ill injured or traumatized yes even mental westernized societies the whole thing is a huge courtroom drama where there are adversaries and then there’s a verdict only the judge is you okay so taking on a role is a method for dealing with uncertainty about how to behave it’s in a way it’s a kind of script so and in the process is known as role reenactment I will discuss as an example what is known as the sick role the sick role is the behavior expected of a person who is physically ill mentally ill injured or traumatized yes even mental
14:21 illness is a role in role Theory expectations social and other expectations familial environmental expectations expectations and come from the outside and they generate expectations inside so in the case of the sick role there are exogenous expectations in an endogenous reaction to exogenous expectations and decent endogenous reaction reaction from the inside generates its own set of expectations and the totality of the expectations space or expectations universe is overwhelming and compels the illness is a role in role Theory expectations social and other expectations familial environmental expectations expectations and come from the outside and they generate expectations inside so in the case of the sick role there are exogenous expectations in an endogenous reaction to exogenous expectations and decent endogenous reaction reaction from the inside generates its own set of expectations and the totality of the expectations space or expectations universe is overwhelming and compels the
15:07 sick individual to behave in highly specific ways in role Theory sickness involves a raw role play especially mental illness the community Society at large and the individual collude and collaborate in settling on a role of mentally ill the person then knows how to behave there’s a script a script of a narcissist a script of a psychopath and the person follows these expectations he it descript or the role also informs the individual how other people are going to react it renders life more certain and sick individual to behave in highly specific ways in role Theory sickness involves a raw role play especially mental illness the community Society at large and the individual collude and collaborate in settling on a role of mentally ill the person then knows how to behave there’s a script a script of a narcissist a script of a psychopath and the person follows these expectations he it descript or the role also informs the individual how other people are going to react it renders life more certain and
15:52 predictable if I as a narcissist do a the reaction is going to be B and if I do c the reaction is going to be D so the world becomes a safe stable place within which I can enact my role without undue adverse consequences it is when you exit your role that you are penalized when you behave in ways which are unacceptable and Define your role and of course societal expectations then you’re punished they’re punished mostly in order to force you to revert to role not in egregious extreme cases you’re punished predictable if I as a narcissist do a the reaction is going to be B and if I do c the reaction is going to be D so the world becomes a safe stable place within which I can enact my role without undue adverse consequences it is when you exit your role that you are penalized when you behave in ways which are unacceptable and Define your role and of course societal expectations then you’re punished they’re punished mostly in order to force you to revert to role not in egregious extreme cases you’re punished
16:37 in a way that there’s no return um in her pioneering discussion U.S sociologist Parsons in his I’m sorry irony in discussion so Dr Parsons wrote that as early as 1951. that people in a sick role are expected for example to cooperate with caregivers to want to get well but they are also Exempted from normal obligations and this gives rise to factitious disorders I will go into it in another video The Narcissist role is to actually negate all these the narcissist is an anti-sync role in effect the narcissist in a way that there’s no return um in her pioneering discussion U.S sociologist Parsons in his I’m sorry irony in discussion so Dr Parsons wrote that as early as 1951. that people in a sick role are expected for example to cooperate with caregivers to want to get well but they are also Exempted from normal obligations and this gives rise to factitious disorders I will go into it in another video The Narcissist role is to actually negate all these the narcissist is an anti-sync role in effect the narcissist
17:25 does not collaborate with anyone because it is superior and he needs no training or learning and there’s nothing there’s no improvement because he is perfect and he does not want to get well because he is already maximally well Nazism is an interesting case of anti-sacral which is in itself a sick role okay Royal enactment there is a sub theory in role Theory known as role enactment Theory and an interesting application of Roland Ackman theory is hypnosis Royal enact an enactment Theory claims does not collaborate with anyone because it is superior and he needs no training or learning and there’s nothing there’s no improvement because he is perfect and he does not want to get well because he is already maximally well Nazism is an interesting case of anti-sacral which is in itself a sick role okay Royal enactment there is a sub theory in role Theory known as role enactment Theory and an interesting application of Roland Ackman theory is hypnosis Royal enact an enactment Theory claims
18:08 that hypnosis for example is a social phenomenon the hypnotized individual unconsciously takes on the socially constructed role of a hypnotic subject and he behaves according to expectations this was suggested in the 1950s by Theodore sarban s-a-r-b-i-n and then this gave rise the study of hypnosis gave rise to a much larger Theory the role of enactment in social behavior and role enactment Theory and I’ve just applied Ronald Theory to narcissism as as you’ve heard now we all according to bandura and others we all that hypnosis for example is a social phenomenon the hypnotized individual unconsciously takes on the socially constructed role of a hypnotic subject and he behaves according to expectations this was suggested in the 1950s by Theodore sarban s-a-r-b-i-n and then this gave rise the study of hypnosis gave rise to a much larger Theory the role of enactment in social behavior and role enactment Theory and I’ve just applied Ronald Theory to narcissism as as you’ve heard now we all according to bandura and others we all
18:57 Model Behavior in other words we serve as models to other people and we imitate or emulate the behavior of meaningful significant others so the child imitate and emulate emulates his parents behavior and this is known as modeling and hence the famous phrase roll model role model is a person or a group a group serving as an example or an Exemplar for the goals attitudes or behavior or of an individual an individual identifies with these person or group six to imitate the person or group so this is the vector Model Behavior in other words we serve as models to other people and we imitate or emulate the behavior of meaningful significant others so the child imitate and emulate emulates his parents behavior and this is known as modeling and hence the famous phrase roll model role model is a person or a group a group serving as an example or an Exemplar for the goals attitudes or behavior or of an individual an individual identifies with these person or group six to imitate the person or group so this is the vector
19:45 this is the channel through which roles flow to the individual via Role Models which serve as a pipeline if you wish now in modern in postmodern societies we come across a problem known as role overload role overload is a situation that arises from the Assumption of multiple roles when you’re asked to perform dozens sometimes hundreds of rolls and all of it at the same time and this is known as quantitative overload or when you are asked to perform roles which are beyond your knowledge or your this is the channel through which roles flow to the individual via Role Models which serve as a pipeline if you wish now in modern in postmodern societies we come across a problem known as role overload role overload is a situation that arises from the Assumption of multiple roles when you’re asked to perform dozens sometimes hundreds of rolls and all of it at the same time and this is known as quantitative overload or when you are asked to perform roles which are beyond your knowledge or your
20:32 skills or your abilities qualitative overload now narcissists defend against qualitative overload by simply denying that anything is beyond their ability they are omnipotent no role is outside their capacity or remit this way they avoid overload what is wrong role play therefore we have defined what is a role assumed role role model and then what let’s assume that you have accepted the rule you’ve gone through a process of socialization socialization acculturation is that you grow up and skills or your abilities qualitative overload now narcissists defend against qualitative overload by simply denying that anything is beyond their ability they are omnipotent no role is outside their capacity or remit this way they avoid overload what is wrong role play therefore we have defined what is a role assumed role role model and then what let’s assume that you have accepted the rule you’ve gone through a process of socialization socialization acculturation is that you grow up and
21:14 you accepted your role as I don’t know husband the father an employee whatever it is whatever it may be you have accepted your own what is role play actually role play is a term borrowed from psychotherapy it is used in human relations training um role play is when the participants are asked to play out social roles they’re given a sheet of paper very similar to a movie script and the sheet of paper describes a role and they’re supposed to enact the role it’s part of what is known as you accepted your role as I don’t know husband the father an employee whatever it is whatever it may be you have accepted your own what is role play actually role play is a term borrowed from psychotherapy it is used in human relations training um role play is when the participants are asked to play out social roles they’re given a sheet of paper very similar to a movie script and the sheet of paper describes a role and they’re supposed to enact the role it’s part of what is known as
21:53 psychodrama but it’s widely used now in in corporate settings in clinical settings and so forth playing roles has been proven to change attitudes in relationships for example in in family or couple therapy rehearsing different ways of coping with stresses and conflicts by playing a role becomes habituated and a part of you the played role teaches you things forces you to learn and to evolve and to transform there’s even something known as role reversal and I have a whole video dedicated to it it’s a technique in psychodrama but it’s widely used now in in corporate settings in clinical settings and so forth playing roles has been proven to change attitudes in relationships for example in in family or couple therapy rehearsing different ways of coping with stresses and conflicts by playing a role becomes habituated and a part of you the played role teaches you things forces you to learn and to evolve and to transform there’s even something known as role reversal and I have a whole video dedicated to it it’s a technique in
22:34 therapy and in education where individuals exchange roles with other individuals so this for example the therapist exchanges roles with a patient therapist then pretends to be the patient the patient is listening witnessing and the Very Act of looking at himself in the mirror in the therapeutic mirror through the therapist induces change induces the dynamic of transformation so Road reversal allows the individual to experience alternative cognitive Styles problem solving feelings behavioral approaches therapy and in education where individuals exchange roles with other individuals so this for example the therapist exchanges roles with a patient therapist then pretends to be the patient the patient is listening witnessing and the Very Act of looking at himself in the mirror in the therapeutic mirror through the therapist induces change induces the dynamic of transformation so Road reversal allows the individual to experience alternative cognitive Styles problem solving feelings behavioral approaches
23:18 role reversal is very powerful and has been used even with sexual offenders in in in mass mass Killers I mean Mass Shooters and serial killers and so on the psychodrama the protagonist exchanges roles with the auxiliary with an auxiliary ego in acting out a significant interpersonal situation so it’s a bit more limited but in management programs management development programs and so on so forth there are open Total exchanges of roles between for example boss and employee or supervisor and employee role reversal is very powerful and has been used even with sexual offenders in in in mass mass Killers I mean Mass Shooters and serial killers and so on the psychodrama the protagonist exchanges roles with the auxiliary with an auxiliary ego in acting out a significant interpersonal situation so it’s a bit more limited but in management programs management development programs and so on so forth there are open Total exchanges of roles between for example boss and employee or supervisor and employee
23:59 okay so role reversal involves something a dynamic known as role shift in this dynamic is very very crucial in the shared fantasy of the narcissist roll shift happens usually but not always in a two-person relationship so it’s diadic it’s in a couple and it is the adoption by one partner of the characteristics or behavior of another partner The Narcissist coerces his intimate partner into a role shift she becomes him he expects her to become an extension of himself he subsumes her he consumes her okay so role reversal involves something a dynamic known as role shift in this dynamic is very very crucial in the shared fantasy of the narcissist roll shift happens usually but not always in a two-person relationship so it’s diadic it’s in a couple and it is the adoption by one partner of the characteristics or behavior of another partner The Narcissist coerces his intimate partner into a role shift she becomes him he expects her to become an extension of himself he subsumes her he consumes her
24:52 he converts her into an internal object identifiable only with him so she becomes him it’s not merger and fusion like codependency it’s predatory consumption it’s like a hostile takeover merger and acquisition if you want to borrow similes from from business and it involves coerced role reversal role taking is the benign form of role shift in role reversal in the shared fantasy in role taking is row taking involves looking at a situation from the Viewpoint of another person putting yourself in he converts her into an internal object identifiable only with him so she becomes him it’s not merger and fusion like codependency it’s predatory consumption it’s like a hostile takeover merger and acquisition if you want to borrow similes from from business and it involves coerced role reversal role taking is the benign form of role shift in role reversal in the shared fantasy in role taking is row taking involves looking at a situation from the Viewpoint of another person putting yourself in
25:37 another person’s shoes for the purpose of understanding his or her thoughts or actions or fears or needs or emotions or cognitions or whatever so when you put yourself in someone’s shoes Your Role taking role taking skills are crucial in developing social cognition and empathy and in empathy role taking is known as perspective taking at a situation from a Viewpoint that is different from your viewport you have a unique Viewpoint point of view like in pornographic movies point of view so you have a unique POV another person’s shoes for the purpose of understanding his or her thoughts or actions or fears or needs or emotions or cognitions or whatever so when you put yourself in someone’s shoes Your Role taking role taking skills are crucial in developing social cognition and empathy and in empathy role taking is known as perspective taking at a situation from a Viewpoint that is different from your viewport you have a unique Viewpoint point of view like in pornographic movies point of view so you have a unique POV
26:19 perspective taking asks you to adopt someone else’s POV to to see the world through someone else’s eyes if only momentarily adopting the perspective of another person or the perspective of another social role so this is a role play exercise and it enhances empathy the narcissist is not asking you to take his perspective to play to take on his role no he’s not asking you this he is asking you to become him he is asking you to adopt his role as the exclusive all devouring role the minute you become the perspective taking asks you to adopt someone else’s POV to to see the world through someone else’s eyes if only momentarily adopting the perspective of another person or the perspective of another social role so this is a role play exercise and it enhances empathy the narcissist is not asking you to take his perspective to play to take on his role no he’s not asking you this he is asking you to become him he is asking you to adopt his role as the exclusive all devouring role the minute you become the
27:06 narcissist your gun largest expects you to eliminate yourself to vanish to repress who you are narcissist regresses you to infancy where you did not exist in the full sense of the word no the victim in a shared fantasy The Narcissist so-called intimate partner reacts to this coercion to take on to adopt to reverse the rules to become the narcissist she reacts to this coercion with something known as role ambiguity Ronald mcguti and is there when there are indefinite expectations about the behaviors to be performed by individuals narcissist your gun largest expects you to eliminate yourself to vanish to repress who you are narcissist regresses you to infancy where you did not exist in the full sense of the word no the victim in a shared fantasy The Narcissist so-called intimate partner reacts to this coercion to take on to adopt to reverse the rules to become the narcissist she reacts to this coercion with something known as role ambiguity Ronald mcguti and is there when there are indefinite expectations about the behaviors to be performed by individuals
27:56 occupy particular positions within a group social setting circumstances or environment so when you’re not sure what what is expected of you the victim in a shared fantasy and I’m using the word victim judiciously the victim in a shared fantasy is utterly disoriented the need to transition from her role to his role from her role to The Narcissist role completely disorienter dislocator confuses her she is discombobulated to use a ten dollar word there’s role ambiguity she knows that the narcissist expects occupy particular positions within a group social setting circumstances or environment so when you’re not sure what what is expected of you the victim in a shared fantasy and I’m using the word victim judiciously the victim in a shared fantasy is utterly disoriented the need to transition from her role to his role from her role to The Narcissist role completely disorienter dislocator confuses her she is discombobulated to use a ten dollar word there’s role ambiguity she knows that the narcissist expects
28:41 her to become submissive to the point of Vanishing to never defy him never argue with him never criticize him always agree with him adopt his point of view work for his interests and so she knows all this but his expectations are never verbalized unambiguously The Narcissist maintains ambiguity uncertainty indeterminacy and intermittent reinforcement as tools of control he keeps you on your toes walking on floating above actions lest you break one of them so it’s a narcissistic technique so your neighbor never able to say okay her to become submissive to the point of Vanishing to never defy him never argue with him never criticize him always agree with him adopt his point of view work for his interests and so she knows all this but his expectations are never verbalized unambiguously The Narcissist maintains ambiguity uncertainty indeterminacy and intermittent reinforcement as tools of control he keeps you on your toes walking on floating above actions lest you break one of them so it’s a narcissistic technique so your neighbor never able to say okay
29:24 that’s what he wants these are his expectations that’s a rollout I have to play for now no you’re kept all the time all the time um very very confused it’s a royal ambiguity is caused by a lack of clarity regarding the role itself or lack of consensus regarding the behaviors associated with the role or the individual role takers uncertainty with the ground with regards to the types of behaviors expected all three are integral elements of the shared fantasy no consensus because you can’t negotiate that’s what he wants these are his expectations that’s a rollout I have to play for now no you’re kept all the time all the time um very very confused it’s a royal ambiguity is caused by a lack of clarity regarding the role itself or lack of consensus regarding the behaviors associated with the role or the individual role takers uncertainty with the ground with regards to the types of behaviors expected all three are integral elements of the shared fantasy no consensus because you can’t negotiate
30:03 with analysis you can’t compromise no um clear script as to what is expected of you and um no understanding no deep understanding of the narcissist so even when you try to emulate and imitate him you keep getting it wrong he becomes angry he rages narcissistically finally he begins to devalue and discard you because you have failed to become him optimally this is Royal conflict there’s a state of tension or distress caused by inconsistent or discordant expectations associated with with your with analysis you can’t compromise no um clear script as to what is expected of you and um no understanding no deep understanding of the narcissist so even when you try to emulate and imitate him you keep getting it wrong he becomes angry he rages narcissistically finally he begins to devalue and discard you because you have failed to become him optimally this is Royal conflict there’s a state of tension or distress caused by inconsistent or discordant expectations associated with with your
30:45 social or group role you don’t know what you’re doing wrong you don’t know when you when you are doing right you don’t know anything you’re extremely distressed and this anxiety drives down your performance even further everything is inconsistent everything is dissonant and discordant you are utterly utterly disoriented and the narcissist provides the kind of reality testing that makes you drives you into Insanity even further it’s not gaslighting it’s confabulation the psychopath does exactly the same social or group role you don’t know what you’re doing wrong you don’t know when you when you are doing right you don’t know anything you’re extremely distressed and this anxiety drives down your performance even further everything is inconsistent everything is dissonant and discordant you are utterly utterly disoriented and the narcissist provides the kind of reality testing that makes you drives you into Insanity even further it’s not gaslighting it’s confabulation the psychopath does exactly the same
31:22 as a corner artist but it does it purposefully intentionally and that is gaslighting The Narcissist simply confabulates he wants you to become a figment of his fantasy he wants you to become unreal he has expectations from you to fulfill your role as a maternal mother to help him to separate individually and and to behave in a way that will justify his devaluation this is insane the narcissists demands as far as your role are insane the Psychopaths demands are goal oriented you can do business with the as a corner artist but it does it purposefully intentionally and that is gaslighting The Narcissist simply confabulates he wants you to become a figment of his fantasy he wants you to become unreal he has expectations from you to fulfill your role as a maternal mother to help him to separate individually and and to behave in a way that will justify his devaluation this is insane the narcissists demands as far as your role are insane the Psychopaths demands are goal oriented you can do business with the
32:04 psychopath however this advantageously you come to business with the narcissist he’s not he’s simply nuts the role the role that the narcissist demands of you is inconsistent with other roles so he expects you for example to be his mother and his child this is known as intra-role conflict you can’t fulfill the two roles successfully similarly he creates an inter role conflict when you occupy more than one role of behaviors or behaviors and they are incompatible there is an inter intra-rawal conflict psychopath however this advantageously you come to business with the narcissist he’s not he’s simply nuts the role the role that the narcissist demands of you is inconsistent with other roles so he expects you for example to be his mother and his child this is known as intra-role conflict you can’t fulfill the two roles successfully similarly he creates an inter role conflict when you occupy more than one role of behaviors or behaviors and they are incompatible there is an inter intra-rawal conflict
32:48 but also an inter role conflict so your role is defined in a way that you can never fulfill it satisfactorily you can never satisfy the Nazis because his demands are conflictive and contradictory and he demands of you several roles which don’t sit well with each other contradict each other negate each other inter intra-rone conflict the conflict within your role owing to crazy unarticulated um expectations and the inter role conflict between your various roles for example his mother and child okay so you can’t get it right but also an inter role conflict so your role is defined in a way that you can never fulfill it satisfactorily you can never satisfy the Nazis because his demands are conflictive and contradictory and he demands of you several roles which don’t sit well with each other contradict each other negate each other inter intra-rone conflict the conflict within your role owing to crazy unarticulated um expectations and the inter role conflict between your various roles for example his mother and child okay so you can’t get it right
33:32 this is what I’m trying to say in so many words the role differentiation within the shared fantasy is damaged it’s disrupted is an incomplete in groups and other systems there’s role differentiation there are many roles as you’re a member of many groups you’re a member of your family of your church of your nation state of your football club so their various roles in all these in all these affiliations and so these roles are differentiated from each other there’s a gradual this is what I’m trying to say in so many words the role differentiation within the shared fantasy is damaged it’s disrupted is an incomplete in groups and other systems there’s role differentiation there are many roles as you’re a member of many groups you’re a member of your family of your church of your nation state of your football club so their various roles in all these in all these affiliations and so these roles are differentiated from each other there’s a gradual
34:08 increase in the number of roles and decrease in the scope of the rules in their applicability in this and each role becomes more specialized so you learn the rules and then you differentiate them from each other gender differentiation is an example leadership roles is another example in narcissism in the shared fantasy The Narcissist does not allow you to differentiate the rules for example you’re not allowed to treat the narcissist as a mother and then you would be only a mother no you’re also supposed to be the increase in the number of roles and decrease in the scope of the rules in their applicability in this and each role becomes more specialized so you learn the rules and then you differentiate them from each other gender differentiation is an example leadership roles is another example in narcissism in the shared fantasy The Narcissist does not allow you to differentiate the rules for example you’re not allowed to treat the narcissist as a mother and then you would be only a mother no you’re also supposed to be the
34:50 narcissist child he is your mother as well that’s a dual Mothership so this creates an inability to differentiate the rules if you’re both a mother and a child what are you who are you you’re not differentiated you’re a hodgepodge you’re a mixture of child and parents and that’s where the nurses wants you to be in undifferentiated territory this creates what is known as role diffusion raw diffusion is a state of confusion about the social about your social role it typically occurs in adolescence narcissist child he is your mother as well that’s a dual Mothership so this creates an inability to differentiate the rules if you’re both a mother and a child what are you who are you you’re not differentiated you’re a hodgepodge you’re a mixture of child and parents and that’s where the nurses wants you to be in undifferentiated territory this creates what is known as role diffusion raw diffusion is a state of confusion about the social about your social role it typically occurs in adolescence
35:36 and so the narcissist drives you back regresses you to early stages of life where you were not sure about the roles your roles kept changing all the time and you couldn’t capture any single role and Define it properly and perfectly this is role diffusion raw diffusion is at the core of identity diffusion and identity disturbance in effect The Narcissist dysregulates you by refusing refusing to let you have certainty regarding your roles he undermines your identity and as you change roles your identity and so the narcissist drives you back regresses you to early stages of life where you were not sure about the roles your roles kept changing all the time and you couldn’t capture any single role and Define it properly and perfectly this is role diffusion raw diffusion is at the core of identity diffusion and identity disturbance in effect The Narcissist dysregulates you by refusing refusing to let you have certainty regarding your roles he undermines your identity and as you change roles your identity
36:18 changes and that’s a great definition of borderline personality disordered so he pushes you to dysregulated territory suddenly you can’t recognize yourself you begin to behave in very bizarre ways you go crazy temper tantrums um you know you lose control over your own your own emotions you have mood Moodle ability ups and downs depression is that you are out of whack and this has to do with identity confusion Erickson suggested eight stages of psychosocial development identity confusion is the fifth changes and that’s a great definition of borderline personality disordered so he pushes you to dysregulated territory suddenly you can’t recognize yourself you begin to behave in very bizarre ways you go crazy temper tantrums um you know you lose control over your own your own emotions you have mood Moodle ability ups and downs depression is that you are out of whack and this has to do with identity confusion Erickson suggested eight stages of psychosocial development identity confusion is the fifth
36:59 it’s an identity crisis again it typically occurs during adolescence and at this stage the individual experiences what Eric so-called psychosocial morator moratorium a very ominous term it’s a period of time that permits you to experiment with different roles different social roles now the narcissist gets you stuck in permanent psychosocial moratorium you are constantly experimenting in order to gratify the narcissist and avoid his rather punishment and rage this is also known as intermittent it’s an identity crisis again it typically occurs during adolescence and at this stage the individual experiences what Eric so-called psychosocial morator moratorium a very ominous term it’s a period of time that permits you to experiment with different roles different social roles now the narcissist gets you stuck in permanent psychosocial moratorium you are constantly experimenting in order to gratify the narcissist and avoid his rather punishment and rage this is also known as intermittent
37:40 reinforcement so I’m now connecting behaviorism with role Theory the moratorium the permanent psychosocial moratorium is also known also known as intermittent reinforcement behaviorist theory so and this leads to an identity crisis because your experimentation leads nowhere the narcissist is never happy with the outcomes never signals to you yet that’s the right role keep at it baby you got it right this time no you’re always wrong you’re always criticize you always put down humiliated and shamed reinforcement so I’m now connecting behaviorism with role Theory the moratorium the permanent psychosocial moratorium is also known also known as intermittent reinforcement behaviorist theory so and this leads to an identity crisis because your experimentation leads nowhere the narcissist is never happy with the outcomes never signals to you yet that’s the right role keep at it baby you got it right this time no you’re always wrong you’re always criticize you always put down humiliated and shamed
38:19 is a narcissist is an externalized version of your harsh inner critic actually he takes over your harsh inner critic via the process of entraining in training so he becomes your sadistic superego to borrow from Freud so at that stage you don’t know what to do anymore you’re confused you keep experimenting because you are terrified of the of the outcomes if you don’t but you keep failing masses keeps you in a permanent state of failure it sets you up for failure as a victim in the shared fantasy is a narcissist is an externalized version of your harsh inner critic actually he takes over your harsh inner critic via the process of entraining in training so he becomes your sadistic superego to borrow from Freud so at that stage you don’t know what to do anymore you’re confused you keep experimenting because you are terrified of the of the outcomes if you don’t but you keep failing masses keeps you in a permanent state of failure it sets you up for failure as a victim in the shared fantasy
38:56 you’re in a state of identity confusion you try on different roles you identify with different expectations of the narcissist with different groups if it makes him happy but you fail to to form a cohesive positive identity it allows you to cope with the shared fantasy and to contribute to it because short fantasy becomes your world it’s your Society your life is constricted The Narcissist isolates you from friends and family in the world it creates for you a universe solipsistic and totally isolated AKA you’re in a state of identity confusion you try on different roles you identify with different expectations of the narcissist with different groups if it makes him happy but you fail to to form a cohesive positive identity it allows you to cope with the shared fantasy and to contribute to it because short fantasy becomes your world it’s your Society your life is constricted The Narcissist isolates you from friends and family in the world it creates for you a universe solipsistic and totally isolated AKA
39:34 shared fantasy and you operate within it but you keep failing you keep failing you have no cohesive positive identity he doesn’t allow you to form an identity you identify with the group with some groups in the group you try to to to generate a negative identity by saying this is who who I’m not but you remain utterly confused utterly confused and this is identity diffusion now there’s something called identity status model it’s an expansion of Ericsson’s fifth stage of identity versus identity shared fantasy and you operate within it but you keep failing you keep failing you have no cohesive positive identity he doesn’t allow you to form an identity you identify with the group with some groups in the group you try to to to generate a negative identity by saying this is who who I’m not but you remain utterly confused utterly confused and this is identity diffusion now there’s something called identity status model it’s an expansion of Ericsson’s fifth stage of identity versus identity
40:13 confusion yeah the model the identity status model suggest that there are four possible identity statuses that an individual might assume particularly during adolescence but because you have been regressed also in the shared fantasy each of these possible identity status statuses is characterized by a different level of exploration and commitment to any specific identity so development moves towards identity achievement status and this is characterized by evidence of identity exploration and commitment confusion yeah the model the identity status model suggest that there are four possible identity statuses that an individual might assume particularly during adolescence but because you have been regressed also in the shared fantasy each of these possible identity status statuses is characterized by a different level of exploration and commitment to any specific identity so development moves towards identity achievement status and this is characterized by evidence of identity exploration and commitment
40:51 this identity achievement status is related to a stable sense of self-worth and self-esteem and healthy psychological functioning narcissist never lets you get there never it threatens him your self-esteem threatens him your stability threatens him your ability to separate from him your separateness is cannot even be perceived by him because narcissists don’t do separateness they’ve never been exposed to separateness they’ve never separated from Mommy in the separation individuation phase so separateness is this identity achievement status is related to a stable sense of self-worth and self-esteem and healthy psychological functioning narcissist never lets you get there never it threatens him your self-esteem threatens him your stability threatens him your ability to separate from him your separateness is cannot even be perceived by him because narcissists don’t do separateness they’ve never been exposed to separateness they’ve never separated from Mommy in the separation individuation phase so separateness is
41:26 automatically misperceived by them as abandonment and they misattributed to hatred or Envy or they mislabel it the other three identity statuses are moratorium status which I’ve described which is evidence of identity exploration but lack of commitment to any single role foreclosure status that is a commitment to an identity usually set by Role Models like adults influential peers influencers teachers and so on so foreclosure status it’s a commitment to an identity given to you by someone but failure to explore automatically misperceived by them as abandonment and they misattributed to hatred or Envy or they mislabel it the other three identity statuses are moratorium status which I’ve described which is evidence of identity exploration but lack of commitment to any single role foreclosure status that is a commitment to an identity usually set by Role Models like adults influential peers influencers teachers and so on so foreclosure status it’s a commitment to an identity given to you by someone but failure to explore
42:09 different options because before this commitment is made and as I said this is typical of traditionalists conservative societies this is where the narcissist wants you to be he wants you to commit to a diffuse ill-defined nebulous identity to forsake and forswear and renounce all other options but he doesn’t give you any certainty it doesn’t give you specs specifications he wants you to remain in within the shared fantasy is a cloud and the last status is the diffusion status it’s a lack of both identity different options because before this commitment is made and as I said this is typical of traditionalists conservative societies this is where the narcissist wants you to be he wants you to commit to a diffuse ill-defined nebulous identity to forsake and forswear and renounce all other options but he doesn’t give you any certainty it doesn’t give you specs specifications he wants you to remain in within the shared fantasy is a cloud and the last status is the diffusion status it’s a lack of both identity
42:50 exploration and commitment and this is where you end up in a shirt fantasy you end up giving up on exploring roles and identities and what have you you say I’m gonna I’m Gonna Roll with the blows I’m gonna flow with the flux you’re not gonna just play it by ear whatever happens happens this condition has been first described in 1966 by the Canadian psychologist James Marshall Mr Marcia CIA yes so identity diffusion is where you end up in the shirt fantasy and it is essentially a borderline personality exploration and commitment and this is where you end up in a shirt fantasy you end up giving up on exploring roles and identities and what have you you say I’m gonna I’m Gonna Roll with the blows I’m gonna flow with the flux you’re not gonna just play it by ear whatever happens happens this condition has been first described in 1966 by the Canadian psychologist James Marshall Mr Marcia CIA yes so identity diffusion is where you end up in the shirt fantasy and it is essentially a borderline personality
43:28 organization feature it’s a lack of stability a lack of focus in the view of the self or any elements of your identity as I said it’s common in borderline personality disorder it’s known there as identity disturbance in Ericsson Eric Erickson’s ego psychology identity diffusion was a possible outcome of the fifth stage identity versus identity confusion the individual emerges from a disrupted fifth stage with an uncertain sense of identity in confusion about his or her wishes attitudes goals and so on and so organization feature it’s a lack of stability a lack of focus in the view of the self or any elements of your identity as I said it’s common in borderline personality disorder it’s known there as identity disturbance in Ericsson Eric Erickson’s ego psychology identity diffusion was a possible outcome of the fifth stage identity versus identity confusion the individual emerges from a disrupted fifth stage with an uncertain sense of identity in confusion about his or her wishes attitudes goals and so on and so
44:14 forth if it sounds familiar it’s because this is a perfect description the state of mind of the victim of narcissistic abuse narcissists abuses not only you he abuses social mechanisms he abuses expectations he abuses morries and norms take for example role expectations role expectations of the trades attitudes and behaviors which are considered appropriate um in a particular position or in a group or in a setting or in a circumstance or environment social setting so it’s a list its specifications of attitudes and forth if it sounds familiar it’s because this is a perfect description the state of mind of the victim of narcissistic abuse narcissists abuses not only you he abuses social mechanisms he abuses expectations he abuses morries and norms take for example role expectations role expectations of the trades attitudes and behaviors which are considered appropriate um in a particular position or in a group or in a setting or in a circumstance or environment social setting so it’s a list its specifications of attitudes and
45:00 behaviors that are appropriate simply so these expectations are communicated to other people and communicators from other people there’s an exchange there and you absorb these communications and you sometimes unconsciously adopt yourself to conform to these expectations and this is something The Narcissist abuses he keeps broadcasting to you expectations that are non-normative chaotic disruptive threatening negating and how can you adopt to this how can you adopt these the role expectations are somehow corrupted by behaviors that are appropriate simply so these expectations are communicated to other people and communicators from other people there’s an exchange there and you absorb these communications and you sometimes unconsciously adopt yourself to conform to these expectations and this is something The Narcissist abuses he keeps broadcasting to you expectations that are non-normative chaotic disruptive threatening negating and how can you adopt to this how can you adopt these the role expectations are somehow corrupted by
45:50 the narcissists which makes it exceedingly difficult for you to play it right to do the right thing the Masters is once you in this condition in order to devalue you and discard you and accomplish separation and individuation the role set in the shared fantasy is different is goal oriented the goal is to destroy the set the role set is the group of people and their Associated roles who are related to and interact meaningfully with with you so the role set in your case is the narcissist so the narcissist the narcissists which makes it exceedingly difficult for you to play it right to do the right thing the Masters is once you in this condition in order to devalue you and discard you and accomplish separation and individuation the role set in the shared fantasy is different is goal oriented the goal is to destroy the set the role set is the group of people and their Associated roles who are related to and interact meaningfully with with you so the role set in your case is the narcissist so the narcissist
46:32 communicates to you the attitudes and behaviors appropriate to the role is supposed to communicate to you in the role expectations he is your role set and yet the aim of the shared fantasy is to destroy the set so the role expectations communicated to you self-defeating self-destructive self-trashing dangerous and and in many many respects abusive anti-social even so within the shared fantasy you’re much more hostage than a willing intimate participant the narcissist coerces you into the shirt fantasy and then communicates to you the attitudes and behaviors appropriate to the role is supposed to communicate to you in the role expectations he is your role set and yet the aim of the shared fantasy is to destroy the set so the role expectations communicated to you self-defeating self-destructive self-trashing dangerous and and in many many respects abusive anti-social even so within the shared fantasy you’re much more hostage than a willing intimate participant the narcissist coerces you into the shirt fantasy and then
47:24 communicates to you in a way that sets you up for failure and undermines explosively the fantasy itself let’s say he serves as your War said but sabotages there’s something known as the Pygmalion effect the consequence of reaction in which the expectations of someone Superior to you and gender behavior from followers or fans or subordinates which is consistent with these expectations so the leader or the supervisor or the boss or your narcissist with your mother and he’s also Superior communicates to you in a way that sets you up for failure and undermines explosively the fantasy itself let’s say he serves as your War said but sabotages there’s something known as the Pygmalion effect the consequence of reaction in which the expectations of someone Superior to you and gender behavior from followers or fans or subordinates which is consistent with these expectations so the leader or the supervisor or the boss or your narcissist with your mother and he’s also Superior
48:07 to you because it’s much more intelligent he’s a genius he’s perfect he’s good luck yeah so he broadcasts through your expectations you are supposed to conform behaviorally supposed to behave in a way that will uphold these expectations it’s a form of self-fulfilling prophecy so in the in it’s in good in good relationships this creates uh something known as upward Pygmalion effect uh in in bed relationships I’m sorry it creates something known as upward Pygmalion effect and this is exactly to you because it’s much more intelligent he’s a genius he’s perfect he’s good luck yeah so he broadcasts through your expectations you are supposed to conform behaviorally supposed to behave in a way that will uphold these expectations it’s a form of self-fulfilling prophecy so in the in it’s in good in good relationships this creates uh something known as upward Pygmalion effect uh in in bed relationships I’m sorry it creates something known as upward Pygmalion effect and this is exactly
48:49 what’s happening in the shared fantasy the expectations of followers or victims or subordinates your expectations lead to behavior behaviors in the narcissist that is consistent with your expectations the behaviors of the narcissist do not reflect his or her true abilities or personality traits but how he is perceived by you now let me explain this very important dynamic both the big mainly in effect the upward Pygmalion effect RS play in the shirts fantasy in the Pygmalion effect the narcissist what’s happening in the shared fantasy the expectations of followers or victims or subordinates your expectations lead to behavior behaviors in the narcissist that is consistent with your expectations the behaviors of the narcissist do not reflect his or her true abilities or personality traits but how he is perceived by you now let me explain this very important dynamic both the big mainly in effect the upward Pygmalion effect RS play in the shirts fantasy in the Pygmalion effect the narcissist
49:37 broadcast to you role expectations acting as your role set but he broadcasts to your expectations which are corrupt misleading sabotaging undermining is set you up for failure and destroys the shirts but there’s also the reverse process you’re also broadcasting to The Narcissist expectations and the narcissist does adapt himself to these expectations it is most visible during the love bombing phase but it goes it proceeds it continues throughout the life of the shared fantasy narcissists broadcast to you role expectations acting as your role set but he broadcasts to your expectations which are corrupt misleading sabotaging undermining is set you up for failure and destroys the shirts but there’s also the reverse process you’re also broadcasting to The Narcissist expectations and the narcissist does adapt himself to these expectations it is most visible during the love bombing phase but it goes it proceeds it continues throughout the life of the shared fantasy narcissists
50:15 shape shifts molds himself to fit you like glove in hand he leaves you no personal space he’s all over you he penetrates you not only physically if you are romantically involved but also mentally it is the upward Pygmalion effect he becomes you become a reflection of him an extension of him but he also becomes a reflection and extension of you that’s the whole of mirror effect you see yourself through his gaze you fall in love with yourself through his gaze now you know the clerical term shape shifts molds himself to fit you like glove in hand he leaves you no personal space he’s all over you he penetrates you not only physically if you are romantically involved but also mentally it is the upward Pygmalion effect he becomes you become a reflection of him an extension of him but he also becomes a reflection and extension of you that’s the whole of mirror effect you see yourself through his gaze you fall in love with yourself through his gaze now you know the clerical term
50:52 upward Pygmalion effect and it’s all a self-fulfilling prophecy it’s a it’s a set of beliefs set of Expectations by the analysis to view and by you of the narcissist you are exchanging expectations and beliefs about each other and this helps to bring about fulfillment your expectations create reality they generate the fantasy which you inhabit together so it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy there is an expectancy effect the effect that your expectations have the effects and your expectations have on the upward Pygmalion effect and it’s all a self-fulfilling prophecy it’s a it’s a set of beliefs set of Expectations by the analysis to view and by you of the narcissist you are exchanging expectations and beliefs about each other and this helps to bring about fulfillment your expectations create reality they generate the fantasy which you inhabit together so it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy there is an expectancy effect the effect that your expectations have the effects and your expectations have on the
51:37 narcissist and the effects that the narcissist expectations have on you your behavior changes this is the interpersonal expectancy effect your behaviors change and this Alters reality it reshapes redefines re redelineates creates boundaries around the shared fantasy but at the same time the your expectations of yourself with regards to the narcissist and the shared fantasy affect you so his expectations of you change you and your expectations of you change you and this is known as the intrapersonal expectancy effect narcissist and the effects that the narcissist expectations have on you your behavior changes this is the interpersonal expectancy effect your behaviors change and this Alters reality it reshapes redefines re redelineates creates boundaries around the shared fantasy but at the same time the your expectations of yourself with regards to the narcissist and the shared fantasy affect you so his expectations of you change you and your expectations of you change you and this is known as the intrapersonal expectancy effect
52:30 you know what the narcissist expects of you or you think you know what the losses it expects of you and this shapes your behavior you wish to please you wish to conform at the same time you develop expectations of yourself to conform to the narcissist’s expectations you want to become submissive or caring or motherly or whether this is the interpersonal effect so these two effects combined make you who you are within the shared fantasy The Narcissist similarly is exposed to these two effects you know what the narcissist expects of you or you think you know what the losses it expects of you and this shapes your behavior you wish to please you wish to conform at the same time you develop expectations of yourself to conform to the narcissist’s expectations you want to become submissive or caring or motherly or whether this is the interpersonal effect so these two effects combined make you who you are within the shared fantasy The Narcissist similarly is exposed to these two effects
53:06 it makes they make him who is in the shared fantasy and together you generate reality your reality which is actually divorced from everyone else’s reality your reality of the shared fantasy this is very famous a very famous situation it’s known as the Rosenthal of the experimental effect it’s when you conduct an experiment your expectations shape the students who are being experimented upon and the students expectations of themselves please you to satisfy you to gratify you is an experiment shape them as well it makes they make him who is in the shared fantasy and together you generate reality your reality which is actually divorced from everyone else’s reality your reality of the shared fantasy this is very famous a very famous situation it’s known as the Rosenthal of the experimental effect it’s when you conduct an experiment your expectations shape the students who are being experimented upon and the students expectations of themselves please you to satisfy you to gratify you is an experiment shape them as well
53:45 and so the experiment is corrupted or contaminated by these exchanges of expectations same with the shared advantage same exactly with the shared centers they are demand characteristics these accused you’re broadcasting to each other you’re signaling all the time within the shared fantasy the victim and the narcissist and this queues influence bias both of you The Narcissist in you sometimes the narcissist suggests a certain outcome or a certain desirable or desired response and you conform and so the experiment is corrupted or contaminated by these exchanges of expectations same with the shared advantage same exactly with the shared centers they are demand characteristics these accused you’re broadcasting to each other you’re signaling all the time within the shared fantasy the victim and the narcissist and this queues influence bias both of you The Narcissist in you sometimes the narcissist suggests a certain outcome or a certain desirable or desired response and you conform
54:25 you change your behaviors you even convince yourself that you desire the same outcome and the same the same response this queue is distort both of you and ultimately reshape again and again remold again and again the shared fantasy these are roles the roles that you play they create behavioral confirmation behavioral confirmation is a process by which the actions of one person you for example the victim come to reinforce the expectations of another person The Narcissist in vice versa your social interaction within the you change your behaviors you even convince yourself that you desire the same outcome and the same the same response this queue is distort both of you and ultimately reshape again and again remold again and again the shared fantasy these are roles the roles that you play they create behavioral confirmation behavioral confirmation is a process by which the actions of one person you for example the victim come to reinforce the expectations of another person The Narcissist in vice versa your social interaction within the
55:06 shared fantasy within the diet within the couple shape each one of you separately and and the shared fantasy and the shared fantasy affects both of you and you affect each other and your expectations of yourself within the shared fantasy affect you as well it’s a mishmash it’s a huge convoluted network of expectations reactant behaviors affects attendant upon the behaviors feedback loops and so on and so forth behavioral confirmation processes are used to explain how expectations and beliefs including shared fantasy within the diet within the couple shape each one of you separately and and the shared fantasy and the shared fantasy affects both of you and you affect each other and your expectations of yourself within the shared fantasy affect you as well it’s a mishmash it’s a huge convoluted network of expectations reactant behaviors affects attendant upon the behaviors feedback loops and so on and so forth behavioral confirmation processes are used to explain how expectations and beliefs including
55:44 for example stereotypes come to affect reality and the this Theory this uh behavioral confirmation concept was developed by Mark Snyder who is again Canadian a Canadian psychologist or at least started his career in Canada Jordan Peterson anyone something is happening in Canada God knows what within the shared fantasy you’re both subjected to a special kind of bias known as confirmation bias you tend to gather evidence and information that confirms pre-existing expectations communicated expectations for example stereotypes come to affect reality and the this Theory this uh behavioral confirmation concept was developed by Mark Snyder who is again Canadian a Canadian psychologist or at least started his career in Canada Jordan Peterson anyone something is happening in Canada God knows what within the shared fantasy you’re both subjected to a special kind of bias known as confirmation bias you tend to gather evidence and information that confirms pre-existing expectations communicated expectations
56:28 you emphasize or you pursue supporting evidence you dismiss you devalue you fail to seek contradictory evidence gradually becomes an echo chamber a thought silo within which you tend to reinforce each other all the time the shared fantasy becomes one resonant hive mind meld with a D both your minds become one you become each other’s internal objects and you inhabit an internal space you are less and less connected to the outside world physically as well begin it begins to resemble what used to you emphasize or you pursue supporting evidence you dismiss you devalue you fail to seek contradictory evidence gradually becomes an echo chamber a thought silo within which you tend to reinforce each other all the time the shared fantasy becomes one resonant hive mind meld with a D both your minds become one you become each other’s internal objects and you inhabit an internal space you are less and less connected to the outside world physically as well begin it begins to resemble what used to
57:17 be called a shared psychotic disorder now one last thing is a victim it’s very likely to have been victimized before you’ve learned the role of victim early on before you’ve entered the shared fantasy use not you would not have entered the shirt fantasy had you not been conditioned behaviorally to be a victim you have been taught to be evictive you are a professional victim whether you like it or not and this relies this Insight comes from Exemplar Theory Exemplar theory in role theory is the be called a shared psychotic disorder now one last thing is a victim it’s very likely to have been victimized before you’ve learned the role of victim early on before you’ve entered the shared fantasy use not you would not have entered the shirt fantasy had you not been conditioned behaviorally to be a victim you have been taught to be evictive you are a professional victim whether you like it or not and this relies this Insight comes from Exemplar Theory Exemplar theory in role theory is the
58:02 hypothesis that categorization depends on specific remembered instances of the category in short you would behave in a way that emulates or imitates either another victim that you have seen your mother or yourself in an earlier role as a victim you need an example known clinically as Exemplar you need an example to emulate or imitate exemplot theory has been applied to many many questions in Psychology attention skill acquisition social decision making and so on and so forth prejudice and we don’t hypothesis that categorization depends on specific remembered instances of the category in short you would behave in a way that emulates or imitates either another victim that you have seen your mother or yourself in an earlier role as a victim you need an example known clinically as Exemplar you need an example to emulate or imitate exemplot theory has been applied to many many questions in Psychology attention skill acquisition social decision making and so on and so forth prejudice and we don’t
58:49 we don’t rely on abstractions Concepts don’t do anything to us that’s why case studies are very important that’s why people who make videos with real life cases and examples they get many more views than people like me who like to dwell on ideas abstract ideas and Concepts without a single example examples are much more powerful than any principle this is what happens to what’s happening to you as a victim when you enter the shared fantasy the examples of victimhood in your past we don’t rely on abstractions Concepts don’t do anything to us that’s why case studies are very important that’s why people who make videos with real life cases and examples they get many more views than people like me who like to dwell on ideas abstract ideas and Concepts without a single example examples are much more powerful than any principle this is what happens to what’s happening to you as a victim when you enter the shared fantasy the examples of victimhood in your past
59:24 play inside your mind interact with the narcissist’s expectations that you should be have as a behave as a victim and you adopt the role as a victim this is what role play um have to say has to say about the narcissist shared fantasy and about questions or personality and identity in general I hope those of you who have survived found it of Interest and I will see you with the next torture session play inside your mind interact with the narcissist’s expectations that you should be have as a behave as a victim and you adopt the role as a victim this is what role play um have to say has to say about the narcissist shared fantasy and about questions or personality and identity in general I hope those of you who have survived found it of Interest and I will see you with the next torture session

Summary Link:

https://vakninsummaries.com/victim-narcissist-reality-or-role-playing-role-theory/

https://vakninsummaries.com/ (Full summaries of Sam Vaknin’s videos)

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/mediakit.html (My work in psychology: Media Kit and Press Room)

Bonus Consultations with Sam Vaknin or Lidija Rangelovska (or both) http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/ctcounsel.html

http://www.youtube.com/samvaknin (Narcissists, Psychopaths, Abuse)

http://www.youtube.com/vakninmusings (World in Conflict and Transition)

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com (Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited)

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/cv.html (Biography and Resume)

Summary

Abuse, Expectations, narcissism, narcissist, Personality, Psychology, Reality, Role, Sam Vaknin, Vaknin Summaries

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