Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. Masked Narcissist: Private vs. Public Personas

1. 00:08 today we’re going to discuss a perennially communist topic private versus public The Narcissist in private versus The Narcissist in public which one of them is the real narcissist a real narcissist my name is sunvaknin and I’m the author of malignant self-love narcissism Revisited I’m a former visiting professor of psychology in Russia believe it or not and currently on the faculty of a more benign institution hopefully in Toronto Canada Cambridge United Kingdom with an Outreach campus in Lagos Nigeria siops today we’re going to discuss a perennially communist topic private versus public The Narcissist in private versus The Narcissist in public which one of them is the real narcissist a real narcissist my name is sunvaknin and I’m the author of malignant self-love narcissism Revisited I’m a former visiting professor of psychology in Russia believe it or not and currently on the faculty of a more benign institution hopefully in Toronto Canada Cambridge United Kingdom with an Outreach campus in Lagos Nigeria siops
2. 00:53 Commonwealth for international Advanced professional studies true that was a mouthful even for a verbose person like mwah okay so which one of them is the real one the narcissist in private with you as his intimate partner with his children with his so-called friends is this the real losses or when he is in public in the workplace in public appearances at the pub in church is that the written narcissist which one of them the thing is these are masks the narcissist is nothing but a mosque he is only Commonwealth for international Advanced professional studies true that was a mouthful even for a verbose person like mwah okay so which one of them is the real one the narcissist in private with you as his intimate partner with his children with his so-called friends is this the real losses or when he is in public in the workplace in public appearances at the pub in church is that the written narcissist which one of them the thing is these are masks the narcissist is nothing but a mosque he is only
3. 01:40 merely the serious a kaleidoscopic dizzying series of masks there is no real narcissist narcissists change masks the way normal healthy people change self-states but the narcissist mask is not profound is not deep and is not essential in the sense that it does not reflect any essence it’s just a shell a facade an apparition Beyond The Mask underneath the mask there’s nothing there’s nobody there it is not even the borderline’s identity disturbance the borderline changes identities merely the serious a kaleidoscopic dizzying series of masks there is no real narcissist narcissists change masks the way normal healthy people change self-states but the narcissist mask is not profound is not deep and is not essential in the sense that it does not reflect any essence it’s just a shell a facade an apparition Beyond The Mask underneath the mask there’s nothing there’s nobody there it is not even the borderline’s identity disturbance the borderline changes identities
4. 02:29 mainly in response to stress rejection and abandonment but these are real identities full-fledged in a way there are kind of self-states mutually exclusive substates but still identifiable with some core with the narcissist The Masks have nothing to do with his self because he doesn’t have an integrated constellated self he doesn’t have an ego as well so the masks are really musks you know Carnival masks pouring masks masks how many times do I have to say this also known as Persona and we’re going to deal mainly in response to stress rejection and abandonment but these are real identities full-fledged in a way there are kind of self-states mutually exclusive substates but still identifiable with some core with the narcissist The Masks have nothing to do with his self because he doesn’t have an integrated constellated self he doesn’t have an ego as well so the masks are really musks you know Carnival masks pouring masks masks how many times do I have to say this also known as Persona and we’re going to deal
5. 03:14 today in our video in my video not yours we’re going to deal today with these concepts of mask and Persona just remember this when the narcissist is cross-social when he is communal when is kind and empathic and compassionate and understanding and healing and rescuing and saving and fixing and you name it that’s a mask when the narcissist is aggressive and abusive and anti-social that’s a mask when the narcissist is neither that’s a mask you never see the narcissist you never get a glimpse of the today in our video in my video not yours we’re going to deal today with these concepts of mask and Persona just remember this when the narcissist is cross-social when he is communal when is kind and empathic and compassionate and understanding and healing and rescuing and saving and fixing and you name it that’s a mask when the narcissist is aggressive and abusive and anti-social that’s a mask when the narcissist is neither that’s a mask you never see the narcissist you never get a glimpse of the
6. 03:56 narcissist it’s a narcissist wears masks even when he sleeps the musk has replaced the narcissist took over we’re going to discuss the concept of false self The Narcissist had become the mosque you remember the the film musk with I think Tim Curry more or less Jim Carrey I’m sorry okay now let’s start as I promised with the false self was first suggested by Donald winicot that the attrition turned psychoanalis but it had its antecedents everyone in the field understood sooner or later narcissist it’s a narcissist wears masks even when he sleeps the musk has replaced the narcissist took over we’re going to discuss the concept of false self The Narcissist had become the mosque you remember the the film musk with I think Tim Curry more or less Jim Carrey I’m sorry okay now let’s start as I promised with the false self was first suggested by Donald winicot that the attrition turned psychoanalis but it had its antecedents everyone in the field understood sooner or later
7. 04:43 that the narcissist presentation is unreal fantastic fake fantasmagoric a mirage a kaleidoscope Helen Deutsch who was a colleague of Freud called it as if personality she said that pseudo-relationships substituted for real ones as if personality reigned the field for several decades actually until winnicott erupted on the scene and I think it’s a great a great phrase as if personality there’s no personality there winning Court had an analyst all psychologists and therapists and psychiatrists are in therapy for some that the narcissist presentation is unreal fantastic fake fantasmagoric a mirage a kaleidoscope Helen Deutsch who was a colleague of Freud called it as if personality she said that pseudo-relationships substituted for real ones as if personality reigned the field for several decades actually until winnicott erupted on the scene and I think it’s a great a great phrase as if personality there’s no personality there winning Court had an analyst all psychologists and therapists and psychiatrists are in therapy for some
8. 05:31 reason so when he got it in at least her name was John Riviera and she explored the concepts of the concept of the as if personality The Narcissist camouflage The Narcissist masquerade The Narcissist Everlasting all pervasive ubiquitous never off facade and she said that it’s essentially a superficial ascent concealing a subtle hidden struggle for control try to translate this into English what she said is that the narcissist pretends and fakes Because he believes that by doing so he’s gonna gain modicum of control over reason so when he got it in at least her name was John Riviera and she explored the concepts of the concept of the as if personality The Narcissist camouflage The Narcissist masquerade The Narcissist Everlasting all pervasive ubiquitous never off facade and she said that it’s essentially a superficial ascent concealing a subtle hidden struggle for control try to translate this into English what she said is that the narcissist pretends and fakes Because he believes that by doing so he’s gonna gain modicum of control over
9. 06:18 himself as well as over his environment it’s all about control Freud suggested at the time that the ego is a product of identifications this is not very far from the false cells what Freud had said is that the ego is comprised of layers like archaeological layers of identifications with other people parental figures Role Models stitches and so on and so forth these identifications are internalized and interjected and become part of the constellated or integrated ego and of the functioning a superego so Freud hinted hinted himself as well as over his environment it’s all about control Freud suggested at the time that the ego is a product of identifications this is not very far from the false cells what Freud had said is that the ego is comprised of layers like archaeological layers of identifications with other people parental figures Role Models stitches and so on and so forth these identifications are internalized and interjected and become part of the constellated or integrated ego and of the functioning a superego so Freud hinted hinted
10. 07:02 that the ego in the superego are actually fictitious they’re pieces of fiction they are an accumulation of other people’s ideas beliefs values behaviors and so on and so forth everyone said Freud is imitating this mimicry involved but Freud didn’t go the extra step to the twinny court had when he got suggested a dichotomy between true and false so this true self and false self Michael Bayland suggested something very similar he called it the basic fault fault like break between two parts that the ego in the superego are actually fictitious they’re pieces of fiction they are an accumulation of other people’s ideas beliefs values behaviors and so on and so forth everyone said Freud is imitating this mimicry involved but Freud didn’t go the extra step to the twinny court had when he got suggested a dichotomy between true and false so this true self and false self Michael Bayland suggested something very similar he called it the basic fault fault like break between two parts
11. 07:48 Ronald fairburn’s notion of the compromised ego was another kind of antecedent of the false safe and then there was Eric from in his famous 1941 book the fear of Freedom where he distinguished between original Self and pseudo self the pseudo self was inauthentic and of course Rome was heavily influenced by existentialists such as sun hukigo and Jean-Paul Sartre dedicated the whole book to the question of authenticity or lack of authenticity what he called bed Faith the bad phase is a close cousin of the false self Ronald fairburn’s notion of the compromised ego was another kind of antecedent of the false safe and then there was Eric from in his famous 1941 book the fear of Freedom where he distinguished between original Self and pseudo self the pseudo self was inauthentic and of course Rome was heavily influenced by existentialists such as sun hukigo and Jean-Paul Sartre dedicated the whole book to the question of authenticity or lack of authenticity what he called bed Faith the bad phase is a close cousin of the false self
12. 08:32 which is another name for the mask it’s essentially such as kirkego the aforementioned claimed that to will to be that self which one truly is is indeed the opposite of despair despair can you go Define despair is the need or the exigency of being someone another than oneself someone who is not oneself in short betraying oneself one could therefore perceive or reconceive of narcissism is a form of self betrayal the narcissist is an abused and traumatized child betrays his true self sacrifices it to the false itself which which is another name for the mask it’s essentially such as kirkego the aforementioned claimed that to will to be that self which one truly is is indeed the opposite of despair despair can you go Define despair is the need or the exigency of being someone another than oneself someone who is not oneself in short betraying oneself one could therefore perceive or reconceive of narcissism is a form of self betrayal the narcissist is an abused and traumatized child betrays his true self sacrifices it to the false itself which
13. 09:24 is God like a Divinity and this creates in the budding narcissist in the child who would become in adulthood analysis creating this child grief Everlasting grief in Despair and I have videos dedicated to narcissism as a form of long-lasting grief in her 1950 book neurosis and human growth took the idea of the true self and false self and ran with it she interpreted um she interpreted these two as the real self and the ideal self the real self is the one that reflects the current state like who you are right now is your real self the is God like a Divinity and this creates in the budding narcissist in the child who would become in adulthood analysis creating this child grief Everlasting grief in Despair and I have videos dedicated to narcissism as a form of long-lasting grief in her 1950 book neurosis and human growth took the idea of the true self and false self and ran with it she interpreted um she interpreted these two as the real self and the ideal self the real self is the one that reflects the current state like who you are right now is your real self the
14. 10:20 ideal self is who you could become who you wish to become your dream state in a way your dream self now of course ego ego ideal is a precursor of this uh of this conception current honor is theory of self suggested therefore that narcissism is a conflict between who the analysis really is currently as we speak as we Behold The Narcissist and who the narcissist thinks he should be he could be and ultimately would be kind of a grandiose ego ideal or grandiose um ideal self it’s another angle of looking at the ideal self is who you could become who you wish to become your dream state in a way your dream self now of course ego ego ideal is a precursor of this uh of this conception current honor is theory of self suggested therefore that narcissism is a conflict between who the analysis really is currently as we speak as we Behold The Narcissist and who the narcissist thinks he should be he could be and ultimately would be kind of a grandiose ego ideal or grandiose um ideal self it’s another angle of looking at the
15. 11:11 mask and the persona the true self and the false self they went through various permutations the true self is also known as the real self the authentic self the original Self the vulnerable self you’re naming the foreself is known as the fake self the ideal itself The Superficial self the pseudo-self and so on so forth but we will stick to the true self and the false self and this dualism this dichotomy which was sharpened and became an asset in current psychological thinking is attributable mask and the persona the true self and the false self they went through various permutations the true self is also known as the real self the authentic self the original Self the vulnerable self you’re naming the foreself is known as the fake self the ideal itself The Superficial self the pseudo-self and so on so forth but we will stick to the true self and the false self and this dualism this dichotomy which was sharpened and became an asset in current psychological thinking is attributable
16. 11:49 to winiko he said that the true self denotes a sense of self based on spontaneous authentic experience and the feeling the general feeling of being alive so when you have a real self you don’t feel any dissonance you don’t feel any conflict about being you being you comes to you automatically you don’t need to think about it you don’t need to imagine it you don’t need to work on it being you is just there it’s who you are it’s your existence it’s your presence it’s your being to winiko he said that the true self denotes a sense of self based on spontaneous authentic experience and the feeling the general feeling of being alive so when you have a real self you don’t feel any dissonance you don’t feel any conflict about being you being you comes to you automatically you don’t need to think about it you don’t need to imagine it you don’t need to work on it being you is just there it’s who you are it’s your existence it’s your presence it’s your being
17. 12:32 and of course by contrast the false self denotes a sense of self created as a defensive facade which in extreme cases can leave an individual lacking spontaneity and feeling dead and empty behind an inconsistent and incompetent appearance of being real and this is of course a great definition of narcissism so we have in the narcissist a situation where as a as a child traumatized and abused in a variety of ways remember that spoiling the child pampering the child idolizing the child pedestalizing and of course by contrast the false self denotes a sense of self created as a defensive facade which in extreme cases can leave an individual lacking spontaneity and feeling dead and empty behind an inconsistent and incompetent appearance of being real and this is of course a great definition of narcissism so we have in the narcissist a situation where as a as a child traumatized and abused in a variety of ways remember that spoiling the child pampering the child idolizing the child pedestalizing
18. 13:10 the child instrumentalizing and parentifying the child all these are forms of extreme forms of abuse because they don’t allow the child to set boundaries to separate from the parental figures and to individuate to become the hinder they obstruct the process of becoming so the abuse and traumatized Charmed whether classically sexual abuse physical abuse and whether this way that I’ve just described this child strikes a Faustian deal it sacrifices his true self he suffocates it literally it’s like the child instrumentalizing and parentifying the child all these are forms of extreme forms of abuse because they don’t allow the child to set boundaries to separate from the parental figures and to individuate to become the hinder they obstruct the process of becoming so the abuse and traumatized Charmed whether classically sexual abuse physical abuse and whether this way that I’ve just described this child strikes a Faustian deal it sacrifices his true self he suffocates it literally it’s like
19. 13:48 assassination and then the true self in the best case gets ossified and fossilized and this creates a huge internal emptiness avoid where the true self should have been a black hole that had consumed the true self to compensate for this emptiness which is also characteristic or characteristic or borderline personality disorder to compensate for this The Narcissist comes up with the false self and of course the false self is everything the child is not it’s perspicacious it’s appreciant it’s assassination and then the true self in the best case gets ossified and fossilized and this creates a huge internal emptiness avoid where the true self should have been a black hole that had consumed the true self to compensate for this emptiness which is also characteristic or characteristic or borderline personality disorder to compensate for this The Narcissist comes up with the false self and of course the false self is everything the child is not it’s perspicacious it’s appreciant it’s
20. 14:28 omniscient it’s omnipotent it’s uh perfect it’s brilliant it’s lovable it’s handsome perfectly handsome Etc so this is the compensatory mechanism at the heart of narcissism all narcissism today we know that this is the heart of all types of narcissists including the in your face I’m a winner I will make you great again types of narcissists they’re also driven by a core of Shame by self-rejection and self-loathing by a bad object that keeps informing them how inadequate and unworthy they are omniscient it’s omnipotent it’s uh perfect it’s brilliant it’s lovable it’s handsome perfectly handsome Etc so this is the compensatory mechanism at the heart of narcissism all narcissism today we know that this is the heart of all types of narcissists including the in your face I’m a winner I will make you great again types of narcissists they’re also driven by a core of Shame by self-rejection and self-loathing by a bad object that keeps informing them how inadequate and unworthy they are
21. 15:14 so to compensate for all this and for the deadness at the center The Narcissist creates the false self the first self is a variant a very virulent and toxic variant of what he’s known in Psychology is Persona or Musk I’m going to define persona right now and then I’m going to discuss masks and then I’m going to come back to person now why am I doing it this way because masks are such a sociological construct masks crucially depend on society on the individual’s functioning in so to compensate for all this and for the deadness at the center The Narcissist creates the false self the first self is a variant a very virulent and toxic variant of what he’s known in Psychology is Persona or Musk I’m going to define persona right now and then I’m going to discuss masks and then I’m going to come back to person now why am I doing it this way because masks are such a sociological construct masks crucially depend on society on the individual’s functioning in
22. 15:55 society on social mores and conventions and Norms in Scripts so we need to start from the big picture you know my view there’s no such thing as a self there’s no such thing as individual and there’s no such thing as personality we are all the outcomes of the intersection or intersections multiple with other people we are relational creatures now that’s not my view it’s not my invention this is object relations in the 1960s and so we need to start with society and then concentrically home in society on social mores and conventions and Norms in Scripts so we need to start from the big picture you know my view there’s no such thing as a self there’s no such thing as individual and there’s no such thing as personality we are all the outcomes of the intersection or intersections multiple with other people we are relational creatures now that’s not my view it’s not my invention this is object relations in the 1960s and so we need to start with society and then concentrically home in
23. 16:35 on what we would call the individual the person Hood but before I go there I’m going to define persona bear the definition in mind you are acquainted by now with the true self with the false self and now the third concept which we’re going to use a bit later Persona in the analytic psychology of Carl Jung not one of my favorites is the public face that an individual presents to the outside world in contrast to more deeply rooted and authentic personality characteristics this sense in this sense on what we would call the individual the person Hood but before I go there I’m going to define persona bear the definition in mind you are acquainted by now with the true self with the false self and now the third concept which we’re going to use a bit later Persona in the analytic psychology of Carl Jung not one of my favorites is the public face that an individual presents to the outside world in contrast to more deeply rooted and authentic personality characteristics this sense in this sense
24. 17:20 you makes a distinction between who you really are in the facade or the presentation to the world it’s as if there’s a Chasm there’s a divorce there’s a break between our quidity our Essence our core what defines us what makes us who we are what we had become and the information that we broadcast that we signal that we present to the world out there and he implies that these are never the same never the same Persona by the way is musk the meaning of the word is must now this is humesville you makes a distinction between who you really are in the facade or the presentation to the world it’s as if there’s a Chasm there’s a divorce there’s a break between our quidity our Essence our core what defines us what makes us who we are what we had become and the information that we broadcast that we signal that we present to the world out there and he implies that these are never the same never the same Persona by the way is musk the meaning of the word is must now this is humesville
25. 18:04 in the case of narcissism if we apply the jungian approach in the case of narcissism the mask is the narcissist there is no divorce between the mask and an essential narcissist there is no core there’s no identity there’s no Essence there’s nobody there it’s a black hole it’s a nothingness nothingness in the bed sets it’s a void covered by with a mask so while Jung insisted that people have a constellated integrated immutable core in adulthood covered with a musk which is presentable to the in the case of narcissism if we apply the jungian approach in the case of narcissism the mask is the narcissist there is no divorce between the mask and an essential narcissist there is no core there’s no identity there’s no Essence there’s nobody there it’s a black hole it’s a nothingness nothingness in the bed sets it’s a void covered by with a mask so while Jung insisted that people have a constellated integrated immutable core in adulthood covered with a musk which is presentable to the
26. 18:57 outside to other people in narcissism because the inside has been demolished and eradicated in early childhood nothing but temple ruins an archaeological excavations there then all that’s left is the presentation narcissists a walking talking presentations okay now we need to discuss the role of society in all this and how people fake and pretend and play Act and create masks and put them on and take them off etc etc the whole musk related dynamic and this leads to seminal figure in sociology outside to other people in narcissism because the inside has been demolished and eradicated in early childhood nothing but temple ruins an archaeological excavations there then all that’s left is the presentation narcissists a walking talking presentations okay now we need to discuss the role of society in all this and how people fake and pretend and play Act and create masks and put them on and take them off etc etc the whole musk related dynamic and this leads to seminal figure in sociology
27. 19:51 by the name of Irving Goffman g-o-f-f-m-a-n Offman was probably the most celebrated sociologist of the 20th century and he analyzed social interactions his emphasis was on how we try to control Impressions that we give to other people and how we in turn try to read impressions that people kind of sell us on so he was concerned with the two-directional traffic of Impressions we are trying to impress people people are trying to impress us how do we cope with this how do we manage this and what happens in these exchanges by the name of Irving Goffman g-o-f-f-m-a-n Offman was probably the most celebrated sociologist of the 20th century and he analyzed social interactions his emphasis was on how we try to control Impressions that we give to other people and how we in turn try to read impressions that people kind of sell us on so he was concerned with the two-directional traffic of Impressions we are trying to impress people people are trying to impress us how do we cope with this how do we manage this and what happens in these exchanges
28. 20:37 and in 1959 he wrote a book and the book’s title is the Presentation of Self in Everyday Life and he in that book he came up with the idea of a mask he said when we have face-to-face encounters with people we put on masks in social life we all performers and social life is nothing but but dramaturgy it’s theater he said behind many masks and many characters each performer tends to wear a single look a naked unsocialized look had he lived today he would have carried it Forward probably and he would have and in 1959 he wrote a book and the book’s title is the Presentation of Self in Everyday Life and he in that book he came up with the idea of a mask he said when we have face-to-face encounters with people we put on masks in social life we all performers and social life is nothing but but dramaturgy it’s theater he said behind many masks and many characters each performer tends to wear a single look a naked unsocialized look had he lived today he would have carried it Forward probably and he would have
29. 21:24 said with the exception of the narcissist this is how this sentence is going to sound when it is applied to pathological narcissism behind many masks and many characters each performer tends to have nothing inside himself a naked black hole when the normal course of events when normal interpersonal relationships and interactions are disrupted only then the musk sleeps only then people get what he said what he called an image of the Men Behind the Mask reminiscent of Wizard of Oz yeah and this was Irving said with the exception of the narcissist this is how this sentence is going to sound when it is applied to pathological narcissism behind many masks and many characters each performer tends to have nothing inside himself a naked black hole when the normal course of events when normal interpersonal relationships and interactions are disrupted only then the musk sleeps only then people get what he said what he called an image of the Men Behind the Mask reminiscent of Wizard of Oz yeah and this was Irving
30. 22:15 government spoke the presentation of selfie in everyday life published in 1959 or 1956 I think it was 56 and second edition was 59. um his book transformed the discourse transformed the conversation regarding what do we really know about other people what do people tell us about themselves what do they broadcast and how manipulative manipulatives is this when we come face to face with another person are we really interacting with someone there or are we stupidly stupidly interacting with a mask government spoke the presentation of selfie in everyday life published in 1959 or 1956 I think it was 56 and second edition was 59. um his book transformed the discourse transformed the conversation regarding what do we really know about other people what do people tell us about themselves what do they broadcast and how manipulative manipulatives is this when we come face to face with another person are we really interacting with someone there or are we stupidly stupidly interacting with a mask
31. 22:59 and when people take off the masks what then or do they always wear masks for example at work you wear a mask with your boss then you come back home do you do you wear another mask do you do you change the mask to that of a husband with your wife or a father with your children is is being a husband or being a father types of masks these were crucial in in many ways terrifying questions because we have this underlying assumptions that self-reporting is reliable the totality of social sciences sociology and psychology included rely and when people take off the masks what then or do they always wear masks for example at work you wear a mask with your boss then you come back home do you do you wear another mask do you do you change the mask to that of a husband with your wife or a father with your children is is being a husband or being a father types of masks these were crucial in in many ways terrifying questions because we have this underlying assumptions that self-reporting is reliable the totality of social sciences sociology and psychology included rely
32. 23:44 heavily and crucially on self-reporting the vast majority of psychological tests rely on self-reporting even tests for psychopathy and narcissism ironically and idiotically may I Ed rely on self-reporting but if self-reporting is done by a mask then you know we’re in trouble we’re in trouble because we are fed with the wrong information we are fed with the right information when it comes to the mass but how correlated is the mask with a person underneath how connected is the mask what can we heavily and crucially on self-reporting the vast majority of psychological tests rely on self-reporting even tests for psychopathy and narcissism ironically and idiotically may I Ed rely on self-reporting but if self-reporting is done by a mask then you know we’re in trouble we’re in trouble because we are fed with the wrong information we are fed with the right information when it comes to the mass but how correlated is the mask with a person underneath how connected is the mask what can we
33. 24:23 learn from the mask about the person is there a way to somehow convert or translate The Mask into the underlying personality characteristics of the Mask barrier it reminds me of a uh horror horror novel by Stephen King Rose Madden Madder m-a-d-d-e-r Rose escapes an abusive relationship and husband is Norman is a cop is a policeman and he has this mask which he talks through and he uses the must to interact with the world or to interface with the world stunning book by the way okay so he traced many questions it was very learn from the mask about the person is there a way to somehow convert or translate The Mask into the underlying personality characteristics of the Mask barrier it reminds me of a uh horror horror novel by Stephen King Rose Madden Madder m-a-d-d-e-r Rose escapes an abusive relationship and husband is Norman is a cop is a policeman and he has this mask which he talks through and he uses the must to interact with the world or to interface with the world stunning book by the way okay so he traced many questions it was very
34. 25:11 controversial very controversial book government believed that when an individual comes in contact with other people that individual will attempt to control or to guide The Impressions that other people might have of him a person would try to change her setting her appearance manner she or he would broadcast in short Force information so all human interactions are premised on based upon and founded on falsity lies White Lies intricate lies delicate lies gentle lies lies on the same the person the individual is interacting controversial very controversial book government believed that when an individual comes in contact with other people that individual will attempt to control or to guide The Impressions that other people might have of him a person would try to change her setting her appearance manner she or he would broadcast in short Force information so all human interactions are premised on based upon and founded on falsity lies White Lies intricate lies delicate lies gentle lies lies on the same the person the individual is interacting
35. 26:01 with is trying to decode the lie to decipher it to somehow form and obtain information about the individuals not about the mask to penetrate the mask and so government believed that all participants in social interactions are engaged in in some practices intended to kind of maintain control by avoid being avoiding being embarrassed or by embarrassing others and so he develops what he called dramaturgical analysis and he said that there’s a connection between the kinds of Acts that people people adopt and theatrical performances with is trying to decode the lie to decipher it to somehow form and obtain information about the individuals not about the mask to penetrate the mask and so government believed that all participants in social interactions are engaged in in some practices intended to kind of maintain control by avoid being avoiding being embarrassed or by embarrassing others and so he develops what he called dramaturgical analysis and he said that there’s a connection between the kinds of Acts that people people adopt and theatrical performances
36. 26:42 I’ll not go into it right now in social interactions at government it’s a performance there is a front region public facing with the performers individuals are on stage in front of an audience the other person or the other people now everything is describing applies to healthy people normal people common folks and applies to narcissists as well here’s the difference if you reach out and strip the mask of the narcissist what will be left behind is nothing air a transparency you will have discovered that the mosque I’ll not go into it right now in social interactions at government it’s a performance there is a front region public facing with the performers individuals are on stage in front of an audience the other person or the other people now everything is describing applies to healthy people normal people common folks and applies to narcissists as well here’s the difference if you reach out and strip the mask of the narcissist what will be left behind is nothing air a transparency you will have discovered that the mosque
37. 27:28 was the only thing there if you reach out and strip the mosque of a normal healthy person you will see the normal healthy person and the correlation between the qualities or traits of the Mask and the normal and the person who is displaying the mask correlation is pretty high people rarely engage in actual deceit intentional disease or even unintentional the mask is shaped the mask is formed the mask is designed to feel comfortable ego syntonic so when you come up with a mask to show your boss or a mask to show your was the only thing there if you reach out and strip the mosque of a normal healthy person you will see the normal healthy person and the correlation between the qualities or traits of the Mask and the normal and the person who is displaying the mask correlation is pretty high people rarely engage in actual deceit intentional disease or even unintentional the mask is shaped the mask is formed the mask is designed to feel comfortable ego syntonic so when you come up with a mask to show your boss or a mask to show your
38. 28:07 wife or a mask to show in church you would design the mask in a way that it won’t create too much dissonance you will be very close to the mask even if the mask is Stripped Away by some cataclysmic event or some stress or some anxiety or something even then the difference between you and the mask is going to be very small if you’re healthy if you’re normal if you’re a narcissist there is no difference between you and the mosque you are the mask and only the mask so according to government there’s a wife or a mask to show in church you would design the mask in a way that it won’t create too much dissonance you will be very close to the mask even if the mask is Stripped Away by some cataclysmic event or some stress or some anxiety or something even then the difference between you and the mask is going to be very small if you’re healthy if you’re normal if you’re a narcissist there is no difference between you and the mosque you are the mask and only the mask so according to government there’s a
39. 28:42 positive aspect of the idea of self and this positive aspect are the desired impressions we’re trying to emphasize our positivity and convey these positive aspects of Who We Are via impression management there is of course always what he called a back region and other people called The Shadow or the complexes and so on and in these areas which are usually inaccessible many of them unconscious and so and so forth there is a gap between the mask and reality in people are often unwilling to kind of venture positive aspect of the idea of self and this positive aspect are the desired impressions we’re trying to emphasize our positivity and convey these positive aspects of Who We Are via impression management there is of course always what he called a back region and other people called The Shadow or the complexes and so on and in these areas which are usually inaccessible many of them unconscious and so and so forth there is a gap between the mask and reality in people are often unwilling to kind of venture
40. 29:27 there but in therapy for example people set aside the mosque and set aside their role play and allow the therapist access presumably this happens in love as well the front side the front office of the performance includes manner how the role is carried out appearance that’s the dress and the look of the performer and when you put Mana in appearance together you have the performance or the mask sometimes performers work together in teams and they form bonds the bonds could be emotional bonds collegial bonds there but in therapy for example people set aside the mosque and set aside their role play and allow the therapist access presumably this happens in love as well the front side the front office of the performance includes manner how the role is carried out appearance that’s the dress and the look of the performer and when you put Mana in appearance together you have the performance or the mask sometimes performers work together in teams and they form bonds the bonds could be emotional bonds collegial bonds
41. 30:13 common common goals common commitments common interests common investment and so and so forth but this would still be masks collaborating and this is the crucial Insight of Goffman the inevitable connection the strong connection between performance and life one could even say life is a series of performances it is what the narcissist fails to grasp that life is not only a performance it’s also a performance and that the performance has to be as authentic as possible as close as possible to who you common common goals common commitments common interests common investment and so and so forth but this would still be masks collaborating and this is the crucial Insight of Goffman the inevitable connection the strong connection between performance and life one could even say life is a series of performances it is what the narcissist fails to grasp that life is not only a performance it’s also a performance and that the performance has to be as authentic as possible as close as possible to who you
42. 30:52 truly are because the narcissist has no experience of being of becoming of existence he doesn’t know he cannot calibrate he cannot gauge the proximity of the Mask to his core identity because he has no core identity he can’t tell you if the mosque is real or not real if the mask represents him or does not represent him because it’s not him he gives up early on in childhood he gives up and he says well I might as well become the mosque there is nobody there there’s no me I might as well become the mask and I truly are because the narcissist has no experience of being of becoming of existence he doesn’t know he cannot calibrate he cannot gauge the proximity of the Mask to his core identity because he has no core identity he can’t tell you if the mosque is real or not real if the mask represents him or does not represent him because it’s not him he gives up early on in childhood he gives up and he says well I might as well become the mosque there is nobody there there’s no me I might as well become the mask and I
43. 31:30 might as well make it Godlike so that it can protect me so that it can bring me narcissistic Supply so that it can soothe me and comfort me and guide me and regulate me and this is called the false self gotman really went deep into the theatrical metaphor he took all the elements of acting into consideration settings scenery stage backstage props direction action and so on so forth so you should read this book because it’s pretty pretty amazing and it led directly to later to transactional analysis internal family system and so might as well make it Godlike so that it can protect me so that it can bring me narcissistic Supply so that it can soothe me and comfort me and guide me and regulate me and this is called the false self gotman really went deep into the theatrical metaphor he took all the elements of acting into consideration settings scenery stage backstage props direction action and so on so forth so you should read this book because it’s pretty pretty amazing and it led directly to later to transactional analysis internal family system and so
44. 32:17 forth Kaufman said that the social actor the person who acts socially in Social settings takes on established roles with a pre-existing front and back and props and costumes and so on so forth so the roles are out there you just put them on it’s like actors changing changing costumes in mid in mid in mid play these are the social roles here’s another massive difference between healthy and normal people and the narcissist healthy normal people assume roles that already exist pre-existing roles forth Kaufman said that the social actor the person who acts socially in Social settings takes on established roles with a pre-existing front and back and props and costumes and so on so forth so the roles are out there you just put them on it’s like actors changing changing costumes in mid in mid in mid play these are the social roles here’s another massive difference between healthy and normal people and the narcissist healthy normal people assume roles that already exist pre-existing roles
45. 33:00 they fit into the the modems they flow into the roles for a while they become a husband or they become a father or they become an employee or they become a soldier you know operation a parishioner these are roles but all these roles have been defined thousands of years ago not saw the narcissist The Narcissist creates his role his mask from scratch he creates it from scratch because he has no authenticity he doesn’t know who he is and because he doesn’t know who he is he he doesn’t know which of the they fit into the the modems they flow into the roles for a while they become a husband or they become a father or they become an employee or they become a soldier you know operation a parishioner these are roles but all these roles have been defined thousands of years ago not saw the narcissist The Narcissist creates his role his mask from scratch he creates it from scratch because he has no authenticity he doesn’t know who he is and because he doesn’t know who he is he he doesn’t know which of the
46. 33:40 pre-existing roles would fit and because he is highly fragile and highly vulnerable and highly susceptible and sensitive to criticism in this sense The Narcissist resembles someone with avoidant Personality Disorder so because of this The Narcissist doesn’t dare to experiment with pre-existing social roles now since it says I may look ridiculous I may end up being criticized by myself not least by my harsh inner critic I may fail I may watch it I I shouldn’t take this chance because my my pre-existing roles would fit and because he is highly fragile and highly vulnerable and highly susceptible and sensitive to criticism in this sense The Narcissist resembles someone with avoidant Personality Disorder so because of this The Narcissist doesn’t dare to experiment with pre-existing social roles now since it says I may look ridiculous I may end up being criticized by myself not least by my harsh inner critic I may fail I may watch it I I shouldn’t take this chance because my my
47. 34:27 personality so to speak is suprecariously balanced I could fall apart I could sustain narcissistic injury collapse or God forbid those who believe in God God forbid mortification to avoid all these life-threatening outcomes The Narcissist avoids pre-existing roles and Designs his own roles tailor-made custom made so the roles and narcissist assumes are idiosyncratic they fit him like a hand in glove there is unique to him and only to him they can’t fit other people the country of the narcissist personality so to speak is suprecariously balanced I could fall apart I could sustain narcissistic injury collapse or God forbid those who believe in God God forbid mortification to avoid all these life-threatening outcomes The Narcissist avoids pre-existing roles and Designs his own roles tailor-made custom made so the roles and narcissist assumes are idiosyncratic they fit him like a hand in glove there is unique to him and only to him they can’t fit other people the country of the narcissist
48. 35:15 this is what renders The Narcissist anti-social confit in because they wouldn’t play social roles he plays his roles he is a law unto himself he is his own law and so the narcissist creates these rules and uses them to interact with other people but they are so unprecedented that in many respects they’re a bit dysfunctional people interact with each other via masks that are used and worn for thousands of years and so they they can predict it creates certainty it creates determinacy The Narcissist insistence on this is what renders The Narcissist anti-social confit in because they wouldn’t play social roles he plays his roles he is a law unto himself he is his own law and so the narcissist creates these rules and uses them to interact with other people but they are so unprecedented that in many respects they’re a bit dysfunctional people interact with each other via masks that are used and worn for thousands of years and so they they can predict it creates certainty it creates determinacy The Narcissist insistence on
49. 36:04 idiosyncrasy uniqueness being unprecedented are one-off my mask or the highway creates a lot of uncertainty unpredictability and make it very difficult to interact with the narcissist in Social settings okay this she issues a structure and agency I will not go into into them right now it’s enough to say that in normal healthy people structure limits agency the structure is an outside constraint on agency The Narcissist because there’s no structure agencies unlimited that’s not why the narcissist idiosyncrasy uniqueness being unprecedented are one-off my mask or the highway creates a lot of uncertainty unpredictability and make it very difficult to interact with the narcissist in Social settings okay this she issues a structure and agency I will not go into into them right now it’s enough to say that in normal healthy people structure limits agency the structure is an outside constraint on agency The Narcissist because there’s no structure agencies unlimited that’s not why the narcissist
50. 36:45 feels god-like omnipotent but don’t go to it maybe in some other video today we are discussing masks so it’s important when we ask ourselves why has this particular mosque been adopted or how fitting is this mask for the purpose and for the circumstances it’s important to specify the situation to define it in any given interaction because the coherence of the interaction it’s relevance and its appropriateness rely crucially on the situation on the environment on circumstances here there’s another feels god-like omnipotent but don’t go to it maybe in some other video today we are discussing masks so it’s important when we ask ourselves why has this particular mosque been adopted or how fitting is this mask for the purpose and for the circumstances it’s important to specify the situation to define it in any given interaction because the coherence of the interaction it’s relevance and its appropriateness rely crucially on the situation on the environment on circumstances here there’s another
51. 37:25 failure by narcissists and not only by narcissists also by some by many borderlines by people with autistic Spectrum Disorder by paranoids by schizoids schizotiples there is a general failure in defining the environment or apprehending it correctly perceiving it correctly because these people cannot cannot grasp the environment properly they come up with the wrong roles with the wrong masks and these creates in people extreme at ease a phenomenon known as uncanny valley you feel uncomfortable when you’re failure by narcissists and not only by narcissists also by some by many borderlines by people with autistic Spectrum Disorder by paranoids by schizoids schizotiples there is a general failure in defining the environment or apprehending it correctly perceiving it correctly because these people cannot cannot grasp the environment properly they come up with the wrong roles with the wrong masks and these creates in people extreme at ease a phenomenon known as uncanny valley you feel uncomfortable when you’re
52. 38:03 around a narcissist something doesn’t fit it’s like a 98 human but the two percent are kind of alien or robotico and that’s because a narcissist keeps changing masks that are wrong simply wrong for the situation the circumstances the exigencies and vagaries the constraints in which he finds himself consequently narcissists engage a lot in inappropriate behavior which could lend them in hot water in interactions which government calls performances the part is involved can be performance but I can also around a narcissist something doesn’t fit it’s like a 98 human but the two percent are kind of alien or robotico and that’s because a narcissist keeps changing masks that are wrong simply wrong for the situation the circumstances the exigencies and vagaries the constraints in which he finds himself consequently narcissists engage a lot in inappropriate behavior which could lend them in hot water in interactions which government calls performances the part is involved can be performance but I can also
53. 38:50 remember Huff Huff of the people involved are audience members while you perform while you as a healthy person perform your mask before you perform perform Your Role act on stage does someone someone observing you someone viewing you someone trying to decode and decipher what you’re trying to say who are you who are you so some are performers and some people are audiences in the role of the audience is pretty crucial as well um because everyone in a conversation for example everyone is a performer one minute remember Huff Huff of the people involved are audience members while you perform while you as a healthy person perform your mask before you perform perform Your Role act on stage does someone someone observing you someone viewing you someone trying to decode and decipher what you’re trying to say who are you who are you so some are performers and some people are audiences in the role of the audience is pretty crucial as well um because everyone in a conversation for example everyone is a performer one minute
54. 39:36 and the audience the next minute so there’s a rapid oscillation rocket shifting between performer audience audience performer performance audience audience performer you’re never stuck you’re never static here’s another difference with the narcissist while normal healthy interactions involve masks involved performances performing involve being part of the audience yeah it’s all true in normal healthy interactions Your Role your mask is flexible enough to allow you to to act both as a and the audience the next minute so there’s a rapid oscillation rocket shifting between performer audience audience performer performance audience audience performer you’re never stuck you’re never static here’s another difference with the narcissist while normal healthy interactions involve masks involved performances performing involve being part of the audience yeah it’s all true in normal healthy interactions Your Role your mask is flexible enough to allow you to to act both as a
55. 40:16 performer and as a member of the audience because you need to do that in any human interaction at some point you’re observing at some point you’re talking at some point you are being watched you need to adapt to all these changing situations that’s where the narcissist differs he is incapable of being anything but a performer The Narcissist can never be a member of an audience ever consequently narcissists tried to monopolize and control interpersonal interactions in order to ascertain or to secure their performer and as a member of the audience because you need to do that in any human interaction at some point you’re observing at some point you’re talking at some point you are being watched you need to adapt to all these changing situations that’s where the narcissist differs he is incapable of being anything but a performer The Narcissist can never be a member of an audience ever consequently narcissists tried to monopolize and control interpersonal interactions in order to ascertain or to secure their
56. 41:01 position as the sole exclusive monopolistic performer everyone else is an audience the narcissist is on stage Limelight projectors curtain up and it’s the theater play of his life and everyone else is supposed to sit observe and applaud and clap or or with morbid fascination recoil in horror any any reaction is okay just attention yeah nonsense needs attention but that means the narcissist is highly rigid inflexible is unable to transition from the performer mask to the audience mask because it can never be an audience so position as the sole exclusive monopolistic performer everyone else is an audience the narcissist is on stage Limelight projectors curtain up and it’s the theater play of his life and everyone else is supposed to sit observe and applaud and clap or or with morbid fascination recoil in horror any any reaction is okay just attention yeah nonsense needs attention but that means the narcissist is highly rigid inflexible is unable to transition from the performer mask to the audience mask because it can never be an audience so
57. 41:46 he misses out on at least half of all human interactions and is unable unable to participate meaningfully in any Exchange the role of the role of member of the audience is super crucial because it is only then that you receive as a performer you give in order to receive you need to be a member of the audience so narcissists ironically can never receive in the full sense of the word they can take and they do take a lot they steal your ideas they steal your work they steal your loved ones they steal your money they I mean they he misses out on at least half of all human interactions and is unable unable to participate meaningfully in any Exchange the role of the role of member of the audience is super crucial because it is only then that you receive as a performer you give in order to receive you need to be a member of the audience so narcissists ironically can never receive in the full sense of the word they can take and they do take a lot they steal your ideas they steal your work they steal your loved ones they steal your money they I mean they
58. 42:31 are not nice people I don’t know if it escaped your notice but none of this has any meaning none of this taking what none of these positions none of this property and wealth and money and the fame none of it fulfills the narcissist none of it is enough It’s never enough and it’s never enough because the narcissist can never be a member of an audience he can never let himself be positively inundated with another person’s act of giving he can never subject himself to other people’s Impressions and performances are not nice people I don’t know if it escaped your notice but none of this has any meaning none of this taking what none of these positions none of this property and wealth and money and the fame none of it fulfills the narcissist none of it is enough It’s never enough and it’s never enough because the narcissist can never be a member of an audience he can never let himself be positively inundated with another person’s act of giving he can never subject himself to other people’s Impressions and performances
59. 43:17 in a way that will be transformative healing even in therapy the narcissist is incapable of being the audience he tries to take over the therapeutic session control the therapy so he’s never he never benefits from therapy never that’s why this was no way to treat narcissists forget the self-interested nonsense online there’s no way to treat narcissistic personality disorder end of story you can modify some behaviors and that’s it abrasive anti-social Behavior that’s it you can’t touch the core you can’t touch in a way that will be transformative healing even in therapy the narcissist is incapable of being the audience he tries to take over the therapeutic session control the therapy so he’s never he never benefits from therapy never that’s why this was no way to treat narcissists forget the self-interested nonsense online there’s no way to treat narcissistic personality disorder end of story you can modify some behaviors and that’s it abrasive anti-social Behavior that’s it you can’t touch the core you can’t touch
60. 43:56 the core because the narcissist can never truly receive receive by assimilation received by immersing himself received by opening himself up and becoming sufficiently vulnerable to accept change and possibly risk he can’t do that that’s why he can’t love that’s why he can’t heal and this way is always unsated always hungry for more never enough and so defining the circumstances and the settings and the environment is crucial narcissists can do that being able to be a member of the audience is crucial the core because the narcissist can never truly receive receive by assimilation received by immersing himself received by opening himself up and becoming sufficiently vulnerable to accept change and possibly risk he can’t do that that’s why he can’t love that’s why he can’t heal and this way is always unsated always hungry for more never enough and so defining the circumstances and the settings and the environment is crucial narcissists can do that being able to be a member of the audience is crucial
61. 44:43 narcissists can’t do that they just can’t do that and when narcissists project Impressions when they try to reflect upon themselves projection and kind of Impressions that reflect well on the narcissist try to encourage others to provide narcissistic Supply to accept a preferred definition of the narcissist it doesn’t work at least not in the long term because the losses can never be an audience to another person people get tired and exhausted and walk away um government’s work is huge narcissists can’t do that they just can’t do that and when narcissists project Impressions when they try to reflect upon themselves projection and kind of Impressions that reflect well on the narcissist try to encourage others to provide narcissistic Supply to accept a preferred definition of the narcissist it doesn’t work at least not in the long term because the losses can never be an audience to another person people get tired and exhausted and walk away um government’s work is huge
62. 45:30 and exceedingly creative one of the most amazing authors to read and to and to study and he said that when the accepted definition of a situation changes because it’s been discredited or the real situation changed so we reframed the situation we see it in a new light some of the actors continue to pretend that nothing has changed and they continue to do so because they believe this strategy of pretending that everything is the same is profitable to themselves and they wish to not rock the boat to to keep the peace and exceedingly creative one of the most amazing authors to read and to and to study and he said that when the accepted definition of a situation changes because it’s been discredited or the real situation changed so we reframed the situation we see it in a new light some of the actors continue to pretend that nothing has changed and they continue to do so because they believe this strategy of pretending that everything is the same is profitable to themselves and they wish to not rock the boat to to keep the peace
63. 46:07 so they ignore they ignore uncomfortable things um they maintain positivity they assist people they’re kind they’re nice they’re empathic and and so on and so forth it is a bit artificial it is what government called willed credulity but he said it’s the oil that greases the machine it allows social interactions to proceed in his his theory of self is known as self-presentation Theory he said that the self is about controlling Impressions that other people have of you and this is a concept widely used to so they ignore they ignore uncomfortable things um they maintain positivity they assist people they’re kind they’re nice they’re empathic and and so on and so forth it is a bit artificial it is what government called willed credulity but he said it’s the oil that greases the machine it allows social interactions to proceed in his his theory of self is known as self-presentation Theory he said that the self is about controlling Impressions that other people have of you and this is a concept widely used to
64. 46:54 this very day especially in the study of social media and so on and so forth today we don’t call it self-presentation Theory we call it impression management it’s a conscious or unconscious process people attempt to influence the perceptions of other people about themselves or about an object or about an event or about other people impression management impression control is crucial to people they invest a lot in it um in the last Edition as far as I remember of the Presentation of Self in Everyday this very day especially in the study of social media and so on and so forth today we don’t call it self-presentation Theory we call it impression management it’s a conscious or unconscious process people attempt to influence the perceptions of other people about themselves or about an object or about an event or about other people impression management impression control is crucial to people they invest a lot in it um in the last Edition as far as I remember of the Presentation of Self in Everyday
65. 47:34 Life 1967 government touched upon this compulsive need to control impression a compulsive need that is the outcome of angst outcome of anxiety outcome of panic this if you don’t control Impressions other people may do bad things to you if you come through if you present yourself as for example evil or dangerous or selfish people retaliate people punish you so impression management is a crucial survival strategy providing explanations for negative aspects or traits or events to escape disapproval Life 1967 government touched upon this compulsive need to control impression a compulsive need that is the outcome of angst outcome of anxiety outcome of panic this if you don’t control Impressions other people may do bad things to you if you come through if you present yourself as for example evil or dangerous or selfish people retaliate people punish you so impression management is a crucial survival strategy providing explanations for negative aspects or traits or events to escape disapproval
66. 48:21 this is government’s phrase yes account for these things excuse some things deny responsibility for negative outcomes in his words conform with opinions speaking or behaving in ways which are consistent with the target and so on this this is all manipulative and that’s why I keep telling people even healthy people even normal people and they are very insulted they immediately tell me you’re a narcissist that’s why you’re saying this I keep telling people Everyone manipulates this is government’s phrase yes account for these things excuse some things deny responsibility for negative outcomes in his words conform with opinions speaking or behaving in ways which are consistent with the target and so on this this is all manipulative and that’s why I keep telling people even healthy people even normal people and they are very insulted they immediately tell me you’re a narcissist that’s why you’re saying this I keep telling people Everyone manipulates
67. 48:55 everyone all our behaviors are manipulated in the sense that we are trying to secure outcomes by modifying the perceptions The Impressions and the behaviors of other people period this is the best definition of every conceivable human interaction even when a baby cries for food it’s manipulative let alone an adult who manages Impressions and in order to extract some benefit from another person it’s all manipulative we utilize these behaviors in impression management to mold our environment everyone all our behaviors are manipulated in the sense that we are trying to secure outcomes by modifying the perceptions The Impressions and the behaviors of other people period this is the best definition of every conceivable human interaction even when a baby cries for food it’s manipulative let alone an adult who manages Impressions and in order to extract some benefit from another person it’s all manipulative we utilize these behaviors in impression management to mold our environment
68. 49:38 or the situation in a way that will not be detrimental to us that will not hurt us now of course like every other tool impression management can be maliciously leveraged this is where the narcissist and psychopath come in while the narcissist I insists is not evil and not malicious is just deluded he lives in fantasy any coerces other people into his fantasy the psychopath is malicious both of them manage impressions and the narcissist is made of Impressions there’s nothing there but the Impressions so the stake of the or the situation in a way that will not be detrimental to us that will not hurt us now of course like every other tool impression management can be maliciously leveraged this is where the narcissist and psychopath come in while the narcissist I insists is not evil and not malicious is just deluded he lives in fantasy any coerces other people into his fantasy the psychopath is malicious both of them manage impressions and the narcissist is made of Impressions there’s nothing there but the Impressions so the stake of the
69. 50:19 narcissist in managing Impressions is much higher than the stake of the borderline or the psychopath of the paranoid or the schizoid or you name it because all these other disorders involve a human being with problems in the narcissist case there are only problems there’s no human being I insist on this there’s nobody there it’s an apparition it’s a trick it’s a sleight of hand it’s an illusion it’s a mirage Phantasm fatamogana did I get through there’s nobody and nothing there narcissist in managing Impressions is much higher than the stake of the borderline or the psychopath of the paranoid or the schizoid or you name it because all these other disorders involve a human being with problems in the narcissist case there are only problems there’s no human being I insist on this there’s nobody there it’s an apparition it’s a trick it’s a sleight of hand it’s an illusion it’s a mirage Phantasm fatamogana did I get through there’s nobody and nothing there
70. 50:56 so impression Management in the narcissist case is life impression management is character impression management is personality personal management is temperament is biography is an accomplishment in and of itself that’s why narcissist don’t hesitate to falsify their biography to lie about their accomplishments and resume and so and so forth this is as far as they are concerned what’s the problem they’re just managing Impressions and since they are made of Impressions they believe in the veracity so impression Management in the narcissist case is life impression management is character impression management is personality personal management is temperament is biography is an accomplishment in and of itself that’s why narcissist don’t hesitate to falsify their biography to lie about their accomplishments and resume and so and so forth this is as far as they are concerned what’s the problem they’re just managing Impressions and since they are made of Impressions they believe in the veracity
71. 51:31 of their own lives and their own confabulations and their own fantasies after all if you are just a thought if there’s nothing there except impressions and you change the impressions in whatever way you are changing yourself aren’t you narcissists feel that they are progressing accomplishing things making breakthroughs just by managing how people see them just by managing the outside the facade potemkin Villages you know the famous story with potemkin and Catherine the Great Russia again of their own lives and their own confabulations and their own fantasies after all if you are just a thought if there’s nothing there except impressions and you change the impressions in whatever way you are changing yourself aren’t you narcissists feel that they are progressing accomplishing things making breakthroughs just by managing how people see them just by managing the outside the facade potemkin Villages you know the famous story with potemkin and Catherine the Great Russia again
72. 52:14 it’s all of a sad but in the case of the narcissist managing the facade is in itself an accomplishment is in itself a biography set presentation in which a person tries to influence the perception of their image by other people is the core of narcissism it’s the core of narcissism and it’s the core of narcissism because there’s nothing in narcissism except self-presentation then we come to the persona sweet psychiatrists call Young not one of my favorites I keep saying I think he went off the rails multiple it’s all of a sad but in the case of the narcissist managing the facade is in itself an accomplishment is in itself a biography set presentation in which a person tries to influence the perception of their image by other people is the core of narcissism it’s the core of narcissism and it’s the core of narcissism because there’s nothing in narcissism except self-presentation then we come to the persona sweet psychiatrists call Young not one of my favorites I keep saying I think he went off the rails multiple
73. 52:56 times by the way he was clinically diagnosed with psychotic disorder for a Time but he had a few amazing insights of course he was Falcon stupid a genius so this Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung he said that Persona is the social phase that the individual presents to the world I will quote Persona is a kind of mask designed on the one hand to make a definite impression upon others and on the other to conceal the true nature of the individual and this is where he differs differs from differs from government times by the way he was clinically diagnosed with psychotic disorder for a Time but he had a few amazing insights of course he was Falcon stupid a genius so this Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung he said that Persona is the social phase that the individual presents to the world I will quote Persona is a kind of mask designed on the one hand to make a definite impression upon others and on the other to conceal the true nature of the individual and this is where he differs differs from differs from government
74. 53:35 both of them agree that when people are inter people interact with other people they wear masks that the aim of the Mask is to manage Impressions both of them are in full agreement in this but young thinks that the mask is intended to deceive the aim of the Mask is to mislead to conceal the true nature of the individual in his words government disagrees he doesn’t think so I disagree as well I disagree as well because as I’ve explained there should be a close Affinity between the musk and both of them agree that when people are inter people interact with other people they wear masks that the aim of the Mask is to manage Impressions both of them are in full agreement in this but young thinks that the mask is intended to deceive the aim of the Mask is to mislead to conceal the true nature of the individual in his words government disagrees he doesn’t think so I disagree as well I disagree as well because as I’ve explained there should be a close Affinity between the musk and
75. 54:11 the individual if the individual wants to avoid dissonance constant ego destiny okay okay now according to you they develop the development of a viable social Persona this mask is a healthy thing It prepares you to life it it is an adaptation to adult life in an external social World which is unforgiving he said a strong ego relates to the outside world through a flexible persona identifications with a specific Persona Doctors scholar artists inhibits psychological development of course this is exactly what happens the individual if the individual wants to avoid dissonance constant ego destiny okay okay now according to you they develop the development of a viable social Persona this mask is a healthy thing It prepares you to life it it is an adaptation to adult life in an external social World which is unforgiving he said a strong ego relates to the outside world through a flexible persona identifications with a specific Persona Doctors scholar artists inhibits psychological development of course this is exactly what happens
76. 55:00 to the narcissist the narcissists like every other human being develops a persona but this Persona is fixed rigid inflexible inhibits psychological development Keeps The Narcissist at the mental age of between two and nine The Narcissist persona is God his mask is that of God it’s the mask of God so God is immutable unchangeable fix forever for for eternity this is how the narcissist experiences himself if he had a selfie so this kind of mask is dysfunctional it doesn’t allow the narcissist to to the narcissist the narcissists like every other human being develops a persona but this Persona is fixed rigid inflexible inhibits psychological development Keeps The Narcissist at the mental age of between two and nine The Narcissist persona is God his mask is that of God it’s the mask of God so God is immutable unchangeable fix forever for for eternity this is how the narcissist experiences himself if he had a selfie so this kind of mask is dysfunctional it doesn’t allow the narcissist to
77. 55:47 explore other possibilities other options other dimensions of his personality other character traits no he’s Godlike he must be perfect he’s a perfectionist he must be brilliant he must be the he must be unique in some way even if negatively that he must be unique as far as young is concerned the danger I’m quoting it the danger is that people become identical with their personas and this is exactly what happens to the Nazis he becomes the false self he can’t tell the difference anymore between musk explore other possibilities other options other dimensions of his personality other character traits no he’s Godlike he must be perfect he’s a perfectionist he must be brilliant he must be the he must be unique in some way even if negatively that he must be unique as far as young is concerned the danger I’m quoting it the danger is that people become identical with their personas and this is exactly what happens to the Nazis he becomes the false self he can’t tell the difference anymore between musk
78. 56:21 and self because he has no self there’s only the master remains he has assassinated murdered himself as a child and the result according to you is the shallow I’m quoting the shallow brittle conformist kind of personality which is all Persona with its excessive concern for what people think narcissism it is an unreflecting State of Mind in which people are utterly unconscious of any distinction between themselves and the world in which they live they have little or no concept of themselves as and self because he has no self there’s only the master remains he has assassinated murdered himself as a child and the result according to you is the shallow I’m quoting the shallow brittle conformist kind of personality which is all Persona with its excessive concern for what people think narcissism it is an unreflecting State of Mind in which people are utterly unconscious of any distinction between themselves and the world in which they live they have little or no concept of themselves as
79. 56:59 beings distinct from what Society expects of them the narcissist is the ultimate the quintessential conformist that’s what I’ve been saying for decades all analysis a pro-social they are conformist because they need to extract they depend on narcissistic Supply their junkies this is their drug they need other people they depend on other people however reluctantly they resent this but that’s the case so they need to work with other people and Jung just described this pathology Jung coined the term beings distinct from what Society expects of them the narcissist is the ultimate the quintessential conformist that’s what I’ve been saying for decades all analysis a pro-social they are conformist because they need to extract they depend on narcissistic Supply their junkies this is their drug they need other people they depend on other people however reluctantly they resent this but that’s the case so they need to work with other people and Jung just described this pathology Jung coined the term
80. 57:46 enantiodomia my apologies I replace this term with narcissistic tunneling I release a video about nonsense internally a few days ago maybe two days ago enanti edomia is the emergence of the repressed individuality presumably the authentic individuality from beneath the persona so the rebellion and mutiny of the repressed and suppressed personality that is disguised by the rigid musk the mask that would not allow any flexibility would not would not Brook any criticism so Jung says the individual will either enantiodomia my apologies I replace this term with narcissistic tunneling I release a video about nonsense internally a few days ago maybe two days ago enanti edomia is the emergence of the repressed individuality presumably the authentic individuality from beneath the persona so the rebellion and mutiny of the repressed and suppressed personality that is disguised by the rigid musk the mask that would not allow any flexibility would not would not Brook any criticism so Jung says the individual will either
81. 58:36 be completely smothered under an empty persona or in encodromia into the buried opposites will occur in other words either the individual will conform to the basket become the mask that’s a narcissist or there will be Rebellion there will be a clutch there will be dissonance just precisely what I’m saying the breakdown of the Persona constitutes the typically jungian moment both in therapy and in development the moment when excessive commitment to Collective ideals masking deeper individuality that be completely smothered under an empty persona or in encodromia into the buried opposites will occur in other words either the individual will conform to the basket become the mask that’s a narcissist or there will be Rebellion there will be a clutch there will be dissonance just precisely what I’m saying the breakdown of the Persona constitutes the typically jungian moment both in therapy and in development the moment when excessive commitment to Collective ideals masking deeper individuality that
82. 59:11 Persona breaks down and disintegrates Jung said that the Persona is a semblance the dissolution of the Persona is therefore absolutely necessary for individuation and here I converge fully with Jung the lack of Separation individuation in narcissism causes the narcissist to remain stuck with his persona individuation and separation require the breaking apart the disintegration of a Persona of course we continue to have personas throughout life but the initial process of Separation individuation requires a rebellion Persona breaks down and disintegrates Jung said that the Persona is a semblance the dissolution of the Persona is therefore absolutely necessary for individuation and here I converge fully with Jung the lack of Separation individuation in narcissism causes the narcissist to remain stuck with his persona individuation and separation require the breaking apart the disintegration of a Persona of course we continue to have personas throughout life but the initial process of Separation individuation requires a rebellion
83. 59:56 against a Persona and its demolition and if we fail in this for example if we have a Persona imposed on us by our parental figures mother and father and we fail to break through it we fail to eliminate it and and create our own Persona later on then there’s no separation individually the persona’s disintegration according to Jung can lead to a state of chaos and that’s why separation individuation is a highly highly traumatic event that’s why kids compensate for this fear for this horror against a Persona and its demolition and if we fail in this for example if we have a Persona imposed on us by our parental figures mother and father and we fail to break through it we fail to eliminate it and and create our own Persona later on then there’s no separation individually the persona’s disintegration according to Jung can lead to a state of chaos and that’s why separation individuation is a highly highly traumatic event that’s why kids compensate for this fear for this horror
84. 60:36 of separating from Mommy with grandiosity that’s why they become tiny small narcissists primary narcissists okay so the persona’s disintegration leads to chaos chaos is terrifying Jung says one result of the dissolution of a Persona is the release of fantasy disorientation exactly that’s when the narcissists get stuck he is unable to break the mask on the one hand so when he tries to separate an individually he fails to break the Persona he first to get rid of it but at the same time he of separating from Mommy with grandiosity that’s why they become tiny small narcissists primary narcissists okay so the persona’s disintegration leads to chaos chaos is terrifying Jung says one result of the dissolution of a Persona is the release of fantasy disorientation exactly that’s when the narcissists get stuck he is unable to break the mask on the one hand so when he tries to separate an individually he fails to break the Persona he first to get rid of it but at the same time he
85. 61:15 is already developing the fantasy that is required in order to separate an individuate the grandiose fantasy grandiosity is a cognitive distortion based on the Fantasy Defense so suddenly there’s a clash suddenly there’s a war a civil war between the Persona that the child cannot get rid of and the child’s emerging fantasy which is the precondition for separation individuation and this creates a total lifelong mess in this kind of child who later becomes a narcissist as the individuation process gets is already developing the fantasy that is required in order to separate an individuate the grandiose fantasy grandiosity is a cognitive distortion based on the Fantasy Defense so suddenly there’s a clash suddenly there’s a war a civil war between the Persona that the child cannot get rid of and the child’s emerging fantasy which is the precondition for separation individuation and this creates a total lifelong mess in this kind of child who later becomes a narcissist as the individuation process gets
86. 61:56 underway so assume the situation has thrown off the conventional husk and developed into a stark encounter with reality with no false veils or adornments of any kind yes that’s the part that the narcissist misses misses only he never makes it to this stage one possible reaction to this experience of chaos and disorientation what Freud what Young called the regressive restoration of the persona so when the child begins to separate an individually tries to get rid of the persona and compensate by with fantasy yes underway so assume the situation has thrown off the conventional husk and developed into a stark encounter with reality with no false veils or adornments of any kind yes that’s the part that the narcissist misses misses only he never makes it to this stage one possible reaction to this experience of chaos and disorientation what Freud what Young called the regressive restoration of the persona so when the child begins to separate an individually tries to get rid of the persona and compensate by with fantasy yes
87. 62:46 and then he failed he fails to get rid of a person the very attempt to get rid of a Persona is horrified and terrifying in the fantasy is supposed to compensate for for this fear for this Terror for this trauma the child develops a belief that is God so he is invulnerable and nothing will happen to him if he separates from Mommy and explores the world but there is a phase of chaos even in healthy people and in some people when the Persona won’t won’t be abolished you cannot get rid of a person these and then he failed he fails to get rid of a person the very attempt to get rid of a Persona is horrified and terrifying in the fantasy is supposed to compensate for for this fear for this Terror for this trauma the child develops a belief that is God so he is invulnerable and nothing will happen to him if he separates from Mommy and explores the world but there is a phase of chaos even in healthy people and in some people when the Persona won’t won’t be abolished you cannot get rid of a person these
88. 63:20 people regress back to the person and Jung calls it their regressive restoration of the Persona whereby the protagonists laboriously tries to patch up his social reputation within the confines of a much more limited personality pretending that he is as he was before the crucial experience yes the child regresses into the primary narcissistic face and remains stuck in it and it becomes secondary narcissism in adulthood and so there is an issue of absence thank you what if the child breaks the persona people regress back to the person and Jung calls it their regressive restoration of the Persona whereby the protagonists laboriously tries to patch up his social reputation within the confines of a much more limited personality pretending that he is as he was before the crucial experience yes the child regresses into the primary narcissistic face and remains stuck in it and it becomes secondary narcissism in adulthood and so there is an issue of absence thank you what if the child breaks the persona
89. 64:10 abolishes the persona and there is a Fantasy Defense if what does the defense compensates for the terror of mother gun the son of his mother and father mother gun and then the child grows up develop objects relations becomes healthy but what happens if the shark gets stuck and is unable to progress some children remain stuck with a Persona and a fantasy these children are narcissists become narcissists later in adulthood and some children succeed to get rid of a persona but they get stuck with the fantasy abolishes the persona and there is a Fantasy Defense if what does the defense compensates for the terror of mother gun the son of his mother and father mother gun and then the child grows up develop objects relations becomes healthy but what happens if the shark gets stuck and is unable to progress some children remain stuck with a Persona and a fantasy these children are narcissists become narcissists later in adulthood and some children succeed to get rid of a persona but they get stuck with the fantasy
90. 65:00 they don’t progress beyond the fantasy and so Jung described this situation he called it the absence of the persona the men with no Persona is blind to the reality of the world which for him has merely the value of an amusing or fantastic playground such people who succeeded to get rid of a person defiantly recklessly one could say but remain stuck in fantasy they’re the ones who become Psychopaths paranoids schizoids to some extent schizo tipples and so on the result of this according to Jung is they don’t progress beyond the fantasy and so Jung described this situation he called it the absence of the persona the men with no Persona is blind to the reality of the world which for him has merely the value of an amusing or fantastic playground such people who succeeded to get rid of a person defiantly recklessly one could say but remain stuck in fantasy they’re the ones who become Psychopaths paranoids schizoids to some extent schizo tipples and so on the result of this according to Jung is
91. 65:38 the streaming in of the unconscious into the conscious realm simultaneously with the dissolution of the Persona in the reduction of the directive force of Consciousness is a state of disturbed psychic equilibrium tell me about it and those who remain trapped in this stage according to you applying to the world hopeless dreamers spectral Cassandras dreaded for their tactlessness eternally misunderstood etc etc he was being gentle he was describing the psychopath well at the very least someone with antisocial traits and the streaming in of the unconscious into the conscious realm simultaneously with the dissolution of the Persona in the reduction of the directive force of Consciousness is a state of disturbed psychic equilibrium tell me about it and those who remain trapped in this stage according to you applying to the world hopeless dreamers spectral Cassandras dreaded for their tactlessness eternally misunderstood etc etc he was being gentle he was describing the psychopath well at the very least someone with antisocial traits and
92. 66:15 behaviors so restoration is the aim of individuation not regressive restoration individually idiosyncratic restoration is a trial you get rid of the original persona compensate that the Persona was protective Persona was the secure base of mummy of mother so you compensate for this with fantasy and then you go on in life you progress you’re three years old or four years old and you create your own persona so this is called restoration it’s not the same as regressive restoration regressive restoration is when you got behaviors so restoration is the aim of individuation not regressive restoration individually idiosyncratic restoration is a trial you get rid of the original persona compensate that the Persona was protective Persona was the secure base of mummy of mother so you compensate for this with fantasy and then you go on in life you progress you’re three years old or four years old and you create your own persona so this is called restoration it’s not the same as regressive restoration regressive restoration is when you got
93. 66:59 rid of the original persona but you are so terrified the fantasy is not sufficient compensation and you regress you restore the original person and you remain stuck in these are narcissists the other alternative you destroy the original Persona you have a Fantasy Defense but you never attain restoration you never create your own persona you adopt other people’s personas and so on and this is of course psychopathy borderline now restoration is is the last phase in individuation according to Jung it is not only rid of the original persona but you are so terrified the fantasy is not sufficient compensation and you regress you restore the original person and you remain stuck in these are narcissists the other alternative you destroy the original Persona you have a Fantasy Defense but you never attain restoration you never create your own persona you adopt other people’s personas and so on and this is of course psychopathy borderline now restoration is is the last phase in individuation according to Jung it is not only
94. 67:36 achieved by work on the inside figures but also is continent by a re-adaptation in outer life including the recreation of a new more viable persona to develop a stronger Persona might feel inauthentic like learning to play a role but if one cannot perform a social role then one will suffer in life and others may end they will also suffer one goal for individuation said Freud is for people to develop a more realistic flexible Persona not the original one that was discarded and replaced with fantasy but achieved by work on the inside figures but also is continent by a re-adaptation in outer life including the recreation of a new more viable persona to develop a stronger Persona might feel inauthentic like learning to play a role but if one cannot perform a social role then one will suffer in life and others may end they will also suffer one goal for individuation said Freud is for people to develop a more realistic flexible Persona not the original one that was discarded and replaced with fantasy but
95. 68:15 a new one a more realistic flexible Persona that helps them navigate in society but does not collide with or nor does it hide their true self eventually said you in the best case the Persona is appropriate it’s tasteful it is a true reflection of our inner individuality and our outward sense of self none of this applies to the narcissist none of this later Scholars and thinkers like Eric Byrne Eric Erickson and others had a lot to say about Persona about the mask and so on and so forth numerous a new one a more realistic flexible Persona that helps them navigate in society but does not collide with or nor does it hide their true self eventually said you in the best case the Persona is appropriate it’s tasteful it is a true reflection of our inner individuality and our outward sense of self none of this applies to the narcissist none of this later Scholars and thinkers like Eric Byrne Eric Erickson and others had a lot to say about Persona about the mask and so on and so forth numerous
96. 68:59 thinkers contributed to this study my humble self included and now you begin to see how everything intermeshes when the narcissist is born is born like everyone else narcissist as opposed to Psychopaths and borderlines at this stage we don’t we don’t have any proof that narcissism is a brain abnormality or a some genetic or hereditary component narcissists are born is totally normal kids totally normal babies they take on a Persona they play a role for mommy and daddy in order to secure thinkers contributed to this study my humble self included and now you begin to see how everything intermeshes when the narcissist is born is born like everyone else narcissist as opposed to Psychopaths and borderlines at this stage we don’t we don’t have any proof that narcissism is a brain abnormality or a some genetic or hereditary component narcissists are born is totally normal kids totally normal babies they take on a Persona they play a role for mommy and daddy in order to secure
97. 69:44 food and shelter and so on mommy becomes a secure base because of the Persona the Persona manipulator to become a secure mate then around the age of 18 months the child wants to get rid of a Persona because he wants to explore the world as himself so the child gets rid of a persona it’s terrifying to get rid of mummy and so he compensates with phantism and then the trouble starts if the fantasy is insufficient the child regresses and re-adopts the original Persona and separation individuation is scuttled done gone not food and shelter and so on mommy becomes a secure base because of the Persona the Persona manipulator to become a secure mate then around the age of 18 months the child wants to get rid of a Persona because he wants to explore the world as himself so the child gets rid of a persona it’s terrifying to get rid of mummy and so he compensates with phantism and then the trouble starts if the fantasy is insufficient the child regresses and re-adopts the original Persona and separation individuation is scuttled done gone not
98. 70:23 successful narcissismic and the child becomes a narcissist in due time if the fantasy is strong enough but the child is unable to develop his his or her own personal individual idiosyncratic Persona this kind of child remains stuck essentially as an antisocial type and that includes borderline If the child succeeds to develop his or her own persona coupled with a reduced role of Fantasy Defense the child becomes healthy and normal this is the story of narcissism from the point of view of masks and role plays successful narcissismic and the child becomes a narcissist in due time if the fantasy is strong enough but the child is unable to develop his his or her own personal individual idiosyncratic Persona this kind of child remains stuck essentially as an antisocial type and that includes borderline If the child succeeds to develop his or her own persona coupled with a reduced role of Fantasy Defense the child becomes healthy and normal this is the story of narcissism from the point of view of masks and role plays
99. 71:04 and Theater personas now we understand why I started this lecture by saying that there is no such thing as a real narcissist the only masks pro-social masks anti-social masks masks used in private musk musks used in public musks it’s a huge rack of masks interchangeable changeable take off the mask there’s nobody there nothing there void emptiness black hole who is it who is changing the masks all the time you should you could ask who is doing the changing why would why would masks be changed and Theater personas now we understand why I started this lecture by saying that there is no such thing as a real narcissist the only masks pro-social masks anti-social masks masks used in private musk musks used in public musks it’s a huge rack of masks interchangeable changeable take off the mask there’s nobody there nothing there void emptiness black hole who is it who is changing the masks all the time you should you could ask who is doing the changing why would why would masks be changed
100. 71:55 reactive to environments and and changing circumstances who is making these decisions to change the masks it’s not a decision there are no decisions involved and not choices it’s a totally automated process it’s very much like asking who makes the decision to replicate proteins inside the human body no one does nor does it just happens the narcissist is an automated pseudobiological process is a process not a person not an entity not a creature the narcissist is in flux he is a swarm a swarm of reactive to environments and and changing circumstances who is making these decisions to change the masks it’s not a decision there are no decisions involved and not choices it’s a totally automated process it’s very much like asking who makes the decision to replicate proteins inside the human body no one does nor does it just happens the narcissist is an automated pseudobiological process is a process not a person not an entity not a creature the narcissist is in flux he is a swarm a swarm of
101. 72:41 I don’t know he’s a hive mind he’s a colony in like a colony he has the upper the appearance of a mind no it’s not really trust me there is nobody there absolutely none and so when you are living with a narcissist or interacting with a narcissist it is a mosque it is a must that you’re interacting with or living with and I don’t know of anything more terrifying than this statement that I’ve just made I don’t know he’s a hive mind he’s a colony in like a colony he has the upper the appearance of a mind no it’s not really trust me there is nobody there absolutely none and so when you are living with a narcissist or interacting with a narcissist it is a mosque it is a must that you’re interacting with or living with and I don’t know of anything more terrifying than this statement that I’ve just made