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1. 00:00 now we all acquainted with the concept of libido in psychoanalytic theory it is the psychic energy of the life instinct especially the sexual instinct so initially libido was narrowly sexual but now libido includes all the expressions of Love pleasure self-preservation Eros and so on so libido is a crucial Concept in psychoanalytic theory when it comes to the analysis of love what what is love how is it manifested what are the energetic sources of Love in This in analytic psychology of Carl Jung now we all acquainted with the concept of libido in psychoanalytic theory it is the psychic energy of the life instinct especially the sexual instinct so initially libido was narrowly sexual but now libido includes all the expressions of Love pleasure self-preservation Eros and so on so libido is a crucial Concept in psychoanalytic theory when it comes to the analysis of love what what is love how is it manifested what are the energetic sources of Love in This in analytic psychology of Carl Jung
2. 00:40 the general life force that provides energy for all types of activities is called libido biological activity sexual social cultural creative and so on so forth so libido and today we use libido and libideness and so on in the jungian sense actually now here’s a very important in blood curdling distinction something I have to tell you yeah healthy normal human beings love other people in whatever way passionate companionate you name it romantically erotically healthy people normal people not so healthy but not the general life force that provides energy for all types of activities is called libido biological activity sexual social cultural creative and so on so forth so libido and today we use libido and libideness and so on in the jungian sense actually now here’s a very important in blood curdling distinction something I have to tell you yeah healthy normal human beings love other people in whatever way passionate companionate you name it romantically erotically healthy people normal people not so healthy but not
3. 01:25 normative people we see around you statistically speaking they love other people via the life instinct via the life Force via they love psychic energy fire in short the libido the narcissist loves other people in his mind he interprets it as love it’s not Love Actually but in his mind if you ask an artist if you say yeah I’m in love or I love her or I love him it’s not real love but that’s how the narcissist misinterprets his internal processes okay narcissist experiences what they call love normative people we see around you statistically speaking they love other people via the life instinct via the life Force via they love psychic energy fire in short the libido the narcissist loves other people in his mind he interprets it as love it’s not Love Actually but in his mind if you ask an artist if you say yeah I’m in love or I love her or I love him it’s not real love but that’s how the narcissist misinterprets his internal processes okay narcissist experiences what they call love
4. 02:07 not through the life instinct but through the death instinct that is terrifying this realization this understanding this Insight is terrifying because when other people love healthy love romantic love passionate companionate love whatever type of love when you love someone is a healthy person you want them to live as long as possible and to be happy and to experience well-being and to actualize their potentials and to accomplish things they want them to flourish and thrive when the narcissist loves you not through the life instinct but through the death instinct that is terrifying this realization this understanding this Insight is terrifying because when other people love healthy love romantic love passionate companionate love whatever type of love when you love someone is a healthy person you want them to live as long as possible and to be happy and to experience well-being and to actualize their potentials and to accomplish things they want them to flourish and thrive when the narcissist loves you
5. 02:50 he wants you to die he wants to kill you metaphorically of course he wants to kill you because narcissists and to some extent borderlines are beset besieged by an incomprehensibly unfathomable profound sense of abandonment and grief and shame and guilt and self-loathing and self-hatred and inferiority they’re terrified of losing you the fear of loss the imminence of loss is imminent is everywhere in the narcissist mind one could even cast the entire narcissistic pathology is a desperate attempt to avoid loss by he wants you to die he wants to kill you metaphorically of course he wants to kill you because narcissists and to some extent borderlines are beset besieged by an incomprehensibly unfathomable profound sense of abandonment and grief and shame and guilt and self-loathing and self-hatred and inferiority they’re terrified of losing you the fear of loss the imminence of loss is imminent is everywhere in the narcissist mind one could even cast the entire narcissistic pathology is a desperate attempt to avoid loss by
6. 03:41 divorcing reality and killing what is left because you see if you kill the love object then it’s it the the body the corpse is always there if you were disable deactivate the love object if you remove the ontological attributes of the love object in other words if you render the love object not real if you internalize the love object and convert it into an internal an introject an internal object if you disable the love object if you freeze the love object then this love object will never abandon you divorcing reality and killing what is left because you see if you kill the love object then it’s it the the body the corpse is always there if you were disable deactivate the love object if you remove the ontological attributes of the love object in other words if you render the love object not real if you internalize the love object and convert it into an internal an introject an internal object if you disable the love object if you freeze the love object then this love object will never abandon you
7. 04:29 coercive snapshotting completes this process it’s about forcing you as the narcissist love object is the narcissist’s intimate partner is the narcissist in significant other forcing you to conform to the inert dead mummified vision of you in the narcissist’s mind he wants you to be as dead as the internal object that represents you in his mind he wants you to be as controllable the narcissist wants to have 100 control over you but how can this be accomplished if you’re alive I mean you have to go to the toilet coercive snapshotting completes this process it’s about forcing you as the narcissist love object is the narcissist’s intimate partner is the narcissist in significant other forcing you to conform to the inert dead mummified vision of you in the narcissist’s mind he wants you to be as dead as the internal object that represents you in his mind he wants you to be as controllable the narcissist wants to have 100 control over you but how can this be accomplished if you’re alive I mean you have to go to the toilet
8. 05:15 don’t you if you go to the bathroom for this two or three minutes the narcissist is you’re out of the narcissist control so optimally and ideally you would never go to the bathroom in short you would be dead healthy people love through the libido through the life instinct The Narcissist loves through Thanatos through the death instinct narcissists equate love with life-threatening shame and with inevitable death why because in early childhood The Narcissist chose death of a life The Narcissist sacrificed his true self don’t you if you go to the bathroom for this two or three minutes the narcissist is you’re out of the narcissist control so optimally and ideally you would never go to the bathroom in short you would be dead healthy people love through the libido through the life instinct The Narcissist loves through Thanatos through the death instinct narcissists equate love with life-threatening shame and with inevitable death why because in early childhood The Narcissist chose death of a life The Narcissist sacrificed his true self
9. 06:01 human sacrifice and created a dead entity the false self and the narcissist did this all this to avoid pain and hurt and shame and to somehow secure the love of his parents especially his mother narcissists learned to equate love we’re dying disappearing Vanishing they their love is inanimate their love is an artifice or artifact their love is not Dynamic it’s static the love their love freezes the world it’s an icicle it’s an iceberg and you are trapped in it like an ant in Amber you’re a fossil in the narcissist human sacrifice and created a dead entity the false self and the narcissist did this all this to avoid pain and hurt and shame and to somehow secure the love of his parents especially his mother narcissists learned to equate love we’re dying disappearing Vanishing they their love is inanimate their love is an artifice or artifact their love is not Dynamic it’s static the love their love freezes the world it’s an icicle it’s an iceberg and you are trapped in it like an ant in Amber you’re a fossil in the narcissist
10. 06:55 mental archeology and paleontology you’re just a fossil and the narcissist never bothers to excavate for you because you’re safe in the ground and you will never ever go away the narcissist is in love with death and with a death Instinct the death Instinct in psychoanalytic theory is a drive whose aim is to reduce psychical tension anxiety to the lowest possible point to mitigate it death in Death there’s no anxiety there’s no fear the non-negative emotions in death so the death instinct mental archeology and paleontology you’re just a fossil and the narcissist never bothers to excavate for you because you’re safe in the ground and you will never ever go away the narcissist is in love with death and with a death Instinct the death Instinct in psychoanalytic theory is a drive whose aim is to reduce psychical tension anxiety to the lowest possible point to mitigate it death in Death there’s no anxiety there’s no fear the non-negative emotions in death so the death instinct
11. 07:38 is directed inward as a self-destructive tendency and is later turned outward in the form of aggression the aggressive instinct in the Dual Instinct theory of Sigmund Freud the death Instinct of Thanos later called distrudeo and so it is opposed to the life instinct or Eros the strudel is opposite of libido life Instinct death Instinct Eros Thanatos the definition is the drive underlying such behaviors as aggressiveness sadism masochism there’s even a Nirvana Nirvana principle in classical psychoanalytic theory the is directed inward as a self-destructive tendency and is later turned outward in the form of aggression the aggressive instinct in the Dual Instinct theory of Sigmund Freud the death Instinct of Thanos later called distrudeo and so it is opposed to the life instinct or Eros the strudel is opposite of libido life Instinct death Instinct Eros Thanatos the definition is the drive underlying such behaviors as aggressiveness sadism masochism there’s even a Nirvana Nirvana principle in classical psychoanalytic theory the
12. 08:18 Nirvana principle is the tendency of all instincts and all life processes to remove tension to seek the stability and equilibrium of the inorganic State the Dead State the inanimate objects the trend of the death instinct is to render you a lifeless object thereby incapable of inflicting hurt than provoking or triggering shame in the narcissist The Narcissist emotionally invests in all this it is a common mistake to believe that emotions and emotional investment is only about life and love no it’s not Nirvana principle is the tendency of all instincts and all life processes to remove tension to seek the stability and equilibrium of the inorganic State the Dead State the inanimate objects the trend of the death instinct is to render you a lifeless object thereby incapable of inflicting hurt than provoking or triggering shame in the narcissist The Narcissist emotionally invests in all this it is a common mistake to believe that emotions and emotional investment is only about life and love no it’s not
13. 09:04 it’s also about death with all of us we all are emotionally invested in death like processes for example materialism is a death cult because in materialism we prefer inanimate objects to animate objects in materialism we prefer objects to people so it’s a death cult it’s a death cult with a lot of emotional investment this emotional investment is known as consumerism similarly with the narcissist he is heavily emotionally invested in the death instinct and in the way he exercises the death it’s also about death with all of us we all are emotionally invested in death like processes for example materialism is a death cult because in materialism we prefer inanimate objects to animate objects in materialism we prefer objects to people so it’s a death cult it’s a death cult with a lot of emotional investment this emotional investment is known as consumerism similarly with the narcissist he is heavily emotionally invested in the death instinct and in the way he exercises the death
14. 09:44 instinct to attain control and subsume his intimate partner rendering her dead at least emotionally dead in the process so there is cathexis catechism psychoanalytic theory is the investment of us of psychic energy in an object of any kind dead or alive so it a wish is cathexis so we can connect a wish we can affect a person a goal an ID a social group we can even affect ourselves if we over protect ourselves we are narcissists these objects are affected in other words they’re emotionally invested in instinct to attain control and subsume his intimate partner rendering her dead at least emotionally dead in the process so there is cathexis catechism psychoanalytic theory is the investment of us of psychic energy in an object of any kind dead or alive so it a wish is cathexis so we can connect a wish we can affect a person a goal an ID a social group we can even affect ourselves if we over protect ourselves we are narcissists these objects are affected in other words they’re emotionally invested in
15. 10:33 and there is emotional significance to these objects some of the emotional investment is positive other types of emotional investment are negative you can hate someone it’s a form of emotional investment can love someone it’s a form of emotional investment and so cathexis leads in healthy normal people to effective discharge or affect display effective discharge or effect display is the expression of emotions anything sorrow anger love happiness you name it so people express emotions and and there is emotional significance to these objects some of the emotional investment is positive other types of emotional investment are negative you can hate someone it’s a form of emotional investment can love someone it’s a form of emotional investment and so cathexis leads in healthy normal people to effective discharge or affect display effective discharge or effect display is the expression of emotions anything sorrow anger love happiness you name it so people express emotions and
16. 11:20 if you leverage the effect display if you work on the effect display somehow you can access your emotions on a much deeper level in other words you can go from effect to emotion not only from emotion to effect so in love we have both elements in true love we have positive cathexes coupled with enhanced effect display but with the narcissist there is exactly the opposite negative cafes with reduced effect display the narcissist doesn’t show you that he loves you he abuses you he controls you humiliates if you leverage the effect display if you work on the effect display somehow you can access your emotions on a much deeper level in other words you can go from effect to emotion not only from emotion to effect so in love we have both elements in true love we have positive cathexes coupled with enhanced effect display but with the narcissist there is exactly the opposite negative cafes with reduced effect display the narcissist doesn’t show you that he loves you he abuses you he controls you humiliates
17. 12:09 you he breaks you apart he prevails over you he brainwashes you he coerces you he he forces you to conform to his idealized vision of you he resents your autonomy and Independence and agency in short the narcissist doesn’t display any positive effects he displays negative effects and there is reduced positive effect display in the narcissist so-called love another reason to think that our narcissists are incapable of true love In classical psychoanalytic theories there’s something called object cafesis you he breaks you apart he prevails over you he brainwashes you he coerces you he he forces you to conform to his idealized vision of you he resents your autonomy and Independence and agency in short the narcissist doesn’t display any positive effects he displays negative effects and there is reduced positive effect display in the narcissist so-called love another reason to think that our narcissists are incapable of true love In classical psychoanalytic theories there’s something called object cafesis
18. 12:54 it is the investment of libido or psychic energy in objects outside the self I mentioned a person but could be a gold and ID activity and so forth object libido narcissists don’t have that narcissists I repeat don’t have that they have narcissistic libido narcissistic libido is self-directed so what the narcissist does he internalizes reality meaningful people situations even ideas that internalizes them it converts them to internal artifacts or internal objects and then he directs his libido and very it is the investment of libido or psychic energy in objects outside the self I mentioned a person but could be a gold and ID activity and so forth object libido narcissists don’t have that narcissists I repeat don’t have that they have narcissistic libido narcissistic libido is self-directed so what the narcissist does he internalizes reality meaningful people situations even ideas that internalizes them it converts them to internal artifacts or internal objects and then he directs his libido and very
19. 13:36 often his death Instinct he directs onto internally onto these objects so he doesn’t have object cathetics or object libido in short all the interactions that you’ve had with the narcissist all the interactions you thought you have had with the losses were never there he was not interacting with you and when I say he it could be a she of course fifty percent of all narcissists are women they don’t interact with you they interact with their internal world within a fantastic space they’re no often his death Instinct he directs onto internally onto these objects so he doesn’t have object cathetics or object libido in short all the interactions that you’ve had with the narcissist all the interactions you thought you have had with the losses were never there he was not interacting with you and when I say he it could be a she of course fifty percent of all narcissists are women they don’t interact with you they interact with their internal world within a fantastic space they’re no
20. 14:12 longer with us very often when the narcissist when you confronted the narcissist and insisted on being loved on being attended to on some affection on some compassion on some understandings of empathy being noticed at least very often when this happens The Narcissist went through a process known as anti-cathaxis a psychoanalytic theory anticothesis is when the ego withdraws psychic energy from certain unconscious wishes and ideas and uses it to strengthen other wishes of ideas capable of blocking blocking dick longer with us very often when the narcissist when you confronted the narcissist and insisted on being loved on being attended to on some affection on some compassion on some understandings of empathy being noticed at least very often when this happens The Narcissist went through a process known as anti-cathaxis a psychoanalytic theory anticothesis is when the ego withdraws psychic energy from certain unconscious wishes and ideas and uses it to strengthen other wishes of ideas capable of blocking blocking dick
21. 14:51 affected material entrance into the Consciousness wow that was a mouthful let me first before I explain Optical fixes because anticothesis is the narcissist reaction decathaxis and anticlaxis these are the narcissist reactions to your attempts to love them narcissists and psychopaths are terrified of love and intimacy when you try to love them they think that you’re faking that thing that you are trying to be manipulative they think that you may be stupid and gullible they think anything except that you actually love affected material entrance into the Consciousness wow that was a mouthful let me first before I explain Optical fixes because anticothesis is the narcissist reaction decathaxis and anticlaxis these are the narcissist reactions to your attempts to love them narcissists and psychopaths are terrified of love and intimacy when you try to love them they think that you’re faking that thing that you are trying to be manipulative they think that you may be stupid and gullible they think anything except that you actually love
22. 15:27 them so when you love a narcissist is likely to react very adversely very negatively because in his mind it translates to some kind of conspiracy or Ploy he becomes paranoid actually and he then develops decaflexes and anticaflexes decafexis is simple he takes back the emotional energy this is decafexes now classical decathlixes typical decotexes is taking back emotional energy from an external object falling out of love unloving someone breaking up with someone divorcing itself that involves decafexis them so when you love a narcissist is likely to react very adversely very negatively because in his mind it translates to some kind of conspiracy or Ploy he becomes paranoid actually and he then develops decaflexes and anticaflexes decafexis is simple he takes back the emotional energy this is decafexes now classical decathlixes typical decotexes is taking back emotional energy from an external object falling out of love unloving someone breaking up with someone divorcing itself that involves decafexis
23. 16:09 with a narcissist the decathis is internal the narcissistic affects the internal object that represents you in his mind and this allows him to convert this internal object into an enemy a persecutory object initially the narcissist hypercafex this internal object he comes across an intimate potential intimate partner he takes a snapshot of him he interjects is not true if Photoshop does not show so it becomes ideal and then it hypercaffects the snapshot he invests a lot too much exaggerated mental energy with a narcissist the decathis is internal the narcissistic affects the internal object that represents you in his mind and this allows him to convert this internal object into an enemy a persecutory object initially the narcissist hypercafex this internal object he comes across an intimate potential intimate partner he takes a snapshot of him he interjects is not true if Photoshop does not show so it becomes ideal and then it hypercaffects the snapshot he invests a lot too much exaggerated mental energy
24. 16:52 psychic energy in the imagined idealized internal object that represents you in his mind but then he proceeds when you become demanding when you ask for reciprocated love when you doubt him when you disagree when you criticize whatever the reason may be whatever the trigger may be or much more commonly when he feels the need to separate from you is a maternal figure an individually in all these cases The Narcissist decaffects the internal object that represents you in his mind and proceeds to antique affect it psychic energy in the imagined idealized internal object that represents you in his mind but then he proceeds when you become demanding when you ask for reciprocated love when you doubt him when you disagree when you criticize whatever the reason may be whatever the trigger may be or much more commonly when he feels the need to separate from you is a maternal figure an individually in all these cases The Narcissist decaffects the internal object that represents you in his mind and proceeds to antique affect it
25. 17:28 anti-connected he diverts he withdraws psychic energy from his unconscious wishes and ideas and strengthens wishes and ideas which are intended to block you in his mind so what happens is when the narcissist falls in love with you when he develops a shared fantasy with you he is affected in the internal object that represents you this internal object is partly unconscious it reflects wishes ideas and even fantasies which are not accessible to consciousness um they are unconscious so the minute The Narcissist decaffects anti-connected he diverts he withdraws psychic energy from his unconscious wishes and ideas and strengthens wishes and ideas which are intended to block you in his mind so what happens is when the narcissist falls in love with you when he develops a shared fantasy with you he is affected in the internal object that represents you this internal object is partly unconscious it reflects wishes ideas and even fantasies which are not accessible to consciousness um they are unconscious so the minute The Narcissist decaffects
26. 18:14 you he withdraws cathesis with rose emotional psychic energy from these unconscious from the unconscious part of the internal object and he uses it to block to block your entrance to his Consciousness your access to his mind you have become a decotected object so you must be forgotten to accomplish this The Narcissist invest in wishes ideas and Fantasies that exclude you passively or actively as an enemy and this whole process is known as anti-cafexism anti-affected material could be very similar to the original you he withdraws cathesis with rose emotional psychic energy from these unconscious from the unconscious part of the internal object and he uses it to block to block your entrance to his Consciousness your access to his mind you have become a decotected object so you must be forgotten to accomplish this The Narcissist invest in wishes ideas and Fantasies that exclude you passively or actively as an enemy and this whole process is known as anti-cafexism anti-affected material could be very similar to the original
27. 18:59 or could be opposite to the original but somehow related to it and so on and so forth so I will not go into all this but these are the mechanisms that the narcissist uses hey hyper Catholics emotional emotionally over invest in the internal object that represents you in his mind then he dick affects it take away takes away the energy then you become an enemy of the secretary object a devalued object he needs to forget about you so he takes the energy that same energy and he invests it in a new fantasy or a new wish or a new ID which or could be opposite to the original but somehow related to it and so on and so forth so I will not go into all this but these are the mechanisms that the narcissist uses hey hyper Catholics emotional emotionally over invest in the internal object that represents you in his mind then he dick affects it take away takes away the energy then you become an enemy of the secretary object a devalued object he needs to forget about you so he takes the energy that same energy and he invests it in a new fantasy or a new wish or a new ID which
28. 19:36 blocks you out of his mind and he dissociates it literally forgets about you you remain there as a nitrogen and this explains Wolverine so I have a video which explains the process of hovering you remain as an inert deactivated interject in the library of his introduce but you’re no longer active in his Consciousness you’re no longer an active agent in his consciousness um finally we need to discuss the distinction between love and a shared psychotic disorder in the previous version of the DSM the blocks you out of his mind and he dissociates it literally forgets about you you remain there as a nitrogen and this explains Wolverine so I have a video which explains the process of hovering you remain as an inert deactivated interject in the library of his introduce but you’re no longer active in his Consciousness you’re no longer an active agent in his consciousness um finally we need to discuss the distinction between love and a shared psychotic disorder in the previous version of the DSM the
29. 20:20 text revision of the of dsm-4 there was a disorder it was called shared psychotic disorder the essential essential feature was an identical or similar fantasy or delusion that develops in an individual who is involved with another individual so one of the two is the inducer or the primary case and the other one is the inductee of the secondary case and that’s a great description of the mechanism and structure of a shared fantasy in this sense the shared fantasy is assured psychotic disorder text revision of the of dsm-4 there was a disorder it was called shared psychotic disorder the essential essential feature was an identical or similar fantasy or delusion that develops in an individual who is involved with another individual so one of the two is the inducer or the primary case and the other one is the inductee of the secondary case and that’s a great description of the mechanism and structure of a shared fantasy in this sense the shared fantasy is assured psychotic disorder
30. 20:58 the primary case the inducer or Readiness the psychotic disorder with prominent delusions in the case of the narcissist the primary case he is the primary case he’s the inducer and he already is a fantasy which has many many psychotic elements the shared psychotic disorder can involve a single individual the intimate partner but it can involve a family but it’s most commonly seen in relations between two people that’s why we used to call it foliadun in the DSM-5 disorder is not recognized not included it’s the primary case the inducer or Readiness the psychotic disorder with prominent delusions in the case of the narcissist the primary case he is the primary case he’s the inducer and he already is a fantasy which has many many psychotic elements the shared psychotic disorder can involve a single individual the intimate partner but it can involve a family but it’s most commonly seen in relations between two people that’s why we used to call it foliadun in the DSM-5 disorder is not recognized not included it’s
31. 21:34 subsumed under delusional disorder so induced psychotic disorder or shared psychotic disorder is what the shared fantasy is but as you see it cannot be loved there’s nothing here in common with love because one of the the primary case the narcissist is already divorce from reality is psychotic is delusional and he lives in fantasy he doesn’t even see you and what he tries to do he tries to infect you via in training via coercive snapshotting The Narcissist tries to brainwash you to mind control you to subsumed under delusional disorder so induced psychotic disorder or shared psychotic disorder is what the shared fantasy is but as you see it cannot be loved there’s nothing here in common with love because one of the the primary case the narcissist is already divorce from reality is psychotic is delusional and he lives in fantasy he doesn’t even see you and what he tries to do he tries to infect you via in training via coercive snapshotting The Narcissist tries to brainwash you to mind control you to
32. 22:16 induce you into the shared psychotic disorder to render you seek as sick as is as psychotic as is as divorce from reality as Is This Love does this strike you as love does this remind you of any definition however remote and called of Love of course not but this is the relationship with the narcissist fully endure to intimately related individuals who simultaneously share similar or identical delusions in French means double insanity it’s a common form of shirt psychotic disorder and it is a delusional disorder induce you into the shared psychotic disorder to render you seek as sick as is as psychotic as is as divorce from reality as Is This Love does this strike you as love does this remind you of any definition however remote and called of Love of course not but this is the relationship with the narcissist fully endure to intimately related individuals who simultaneously share similar or identical delusions in French means double insanity it’s a common form of shirt psychotic disorder and it is a delusional disorder
33. 23:00 a delusional disorder involves misperceiving reality in the case of the narcissists the delusions are non-bizarre the delusions are plausible their devotional reality and sometimes substance induced for example Coke cocaine can induce delusional disorder but we distinguish between bizarre delusions and non-bizarre delusions The Narcissist delusions are plausible they can they can mislead they mislead people into believing that they’re real The Narcissist fantasy is so elaborately constructed a delusional disorder involves misperceiving reality in the case of the narcissists the delusions are non-bizarre the delusions are plausible their devotional reality and sometimes substance induced for example Coke cocaine can induce delusional disorder but we distinguish between bizarre delusions and non-bizarre delusions The Narcissist delusions are plausible they can they can mislead they mislead people into believing that they’re real The Narcissist fantasy is so elaborately constructed
34. 23:44 and contains elements of the truth and of reality to the point that it’s very misleading and deceiving and people fall for it and yet it is a delusion because the narcissists cannot tell that it is a fantasy he thinks it’s reality that’s why narcissist don’t Gaslight narcissists don’t Gaslight Psychopaths do narcissists confabulate narcissists believe their own fantasy believe their own lies believe their own confabulations they believe that their own deception the first victim of the and contains elements of the truth and of reality to the point that it’s very misleading and deceiving and people fall for it and yet it is a delusion because the narcissists cannot tell that it is a fantasy he thinks it’s reality that’s why narcissist don’t Gaslight narcissists don’t Gaslight Psychopaths do narcissists confabulate narcissists believe their own fantasy believe their own lies believe their own confabulations they believe that their own deception the first victim of the
35. 24:18 narcissist deception is the narcissist self-deception so narcissists create this environment for you and then invite you in when they invite you in they’ll love on you they misuse language abuse language they call their internal experience love and they’re trying to convince you that it is love they try to make you resonate with their internal experience go through the same experience they try to make you adopt and accept you’re the way you are seen by The Narcissist the the snapshot narcissist deception is the narcissist self-deception so narcissists create this environment for you and then invite you in when they invite you in they’ll love on you they misuse language abuse language they call their internal experience love and they’re trying to convince you that it is love they try to make you resonate with their internal experience go through the same experience they try to make you adopt and accept you’re the way you are seen by The Narcissist the the snapshot
36. 25:02 they’re trying to make you see yourself through the narcissist Gates and then they deceive you into adopting this is reality but of course it’s not the narcissist is exactly like the borderline mislabels his or her emotions Miss labelson and what he calls love is not love it’s an initiation right an induction process conditioning call it what you will but love is not and yet he coerces you cajols you induces your incentivizes you rewards you punishes you you name it intermittently reinforces you into they’re trying to make you see yourself through the narcissist Gates and then they deceive you into adopting this is reality but of course it’s not the narcissist is exactly like the borderline mislabels his or her emotions Miss labelson and what he calls love is not love it’s an initiation right an induction process conditioning call it what you will but love is not and yet he coerces you cajols you induces your incentivizes you rewards you punishes you you name it intermittently reinforces you into
37. 25:44 accepting whatever it is that he’s experiencing is love and then you say he loves me you see but I don’t see and he doesn’t see Only You See because you have been entrained and brainwashed and infected hurry to the beginning in recovery from narcissistic abuse playlist on this channel to learn how to undo the damage before it’s too late look it up yesterday I made a video about the power of belief in healing the power of faith and everyone and his dog and his mother-in-law wrote to me to say accepting whatever it is that he’s experiencing is love and then you say he loves me you see but I don’t see and he doesn’t see Only You See because you have been entrained and brainwashed and infected hurry to the beginning in recovery from narcissistic abuse playlist on this channel to learn how to undo the damage before it’s too late look it up yesterday I made a video about the power of belief in healing the power of faith and everyone and his dog and his mother-in-law wrote to me to say
38. 26:39 you see you’re contradicting yourself you don’t believe in the principle of awaken the giant within well let me explain the difference your ability to induce healing mental healing definitely but also some physical giving through your mind by leveraging and using your mind by wishing for healing by believing in healing by Auto suggestion by convincing yourselves that you’re about to heal and so and so forth this is scientifically established in thousands of studies including for example the power of you see you’re contradicting yourself you don’t believe in the principle of awaken the giant within well let me explain the difference your ability to induce healing mental healing definitely but also some physical giving through your mind by leveraging and using your mind by wishing for healing by believing in healing by Auto suggestion by convincing yourselves that you’re about to heal and so and so forth this is scientifically established in thousands of studies including for example the power of
39. 27:22 meditation practices such as yoga prayer religious faith all these have been linked in numerous scientific peer-reviewed academic university studies all of these have been linked to Healing especially healing from mental health issues awaken the giant Within is not has nothing to do with reality it has to do with grandiosity which is a pathological cognitive distortion it is sick to the core it has to do with magical thinking which is a primitive infantile defense mechanism in short awaken the joint within is not meditation practices such as yoga prayer religious faith all these have been linked in numerous scientific peer-reviewed academic university studies all of these have been linked to Healing especially healing from mental health issues awaken the giant Within is not has nothing to do with reality it has to do with grandiosity which is a pathological cognitive distortion it is sick to the core it has to do with magical thinking which is a primitive infantile defense mechanism in short awaken the joint within is not
40. 28:17 a principle that can even be examined by science it is so divorced from reality so reeks of unethical conduct so money oriented so narcissistic so grandiose so so um delusional that there’s no way you could link this to other forms of belief or faith so what I’ve been advocating in yesterday’s video are scientifically proven practices which unfortunately has been excluded from the mainstream of psychology owing to the vanity of mental health practitioners who want to pretend that they are scientists thank you a principle that can even be examined by science it is so divorced from reality so reeks of unethical conduct so money oriented so narcissistic so grandiose so so um delusional that there’s no way you could link this to other forms of belief or faith so what I’ve been advocating in yesterday’s video are scientifically proven practices which unfortunately has been excluded from the mainstream of psychology owing to the vanity of mental health practitioners who want to pretend that they are scientists thank you
41. 29:04 principles such as the secret law of attraction awakened the giant within this is unmitigated rubbish and nonsense has nothing to do with reality or with science it is the exact opposite of mental health it is it is mental illness rarified manifested extrapolated magnified Amplified until it takes over the psyche and renders it corrupt and sick for eternity stay away from these kind of messages okay and apropos reality and delusional thinking and magical thinking and what have you today’s topic is did The Narcissist ever principles such as the secret law of attraction awakened the giant within this is unmitigated rubbish and nonsense has nothing to do with reality or with science it is the exact opposite of mental health it is it is mental illness rarified manifested extrapolated magnified Amplified until it takes over the psyche and renders it corrupt and sick for eternity stay away from these kind of messages okay and apropos reality and delusional thinking and magical thinking and what have you today’s topic is did The Narcissist ever
42. 29:54 love you many victims come to me and say many victims of narcissistic abuse say but he did love me I felt his love it can be that I’ve been so deluded and deceived I know love when I experience it I’ve experienced it before and there was a period there’s been a period it’s been short it’s been truncated it’s been superseded by abuse but there’s been a period where he did love me he really did and this is the topic of today’s lecture is there such a thing as narcissistic love love you many victims come to me and say many victims of narcissistic abuse say but he did love me I felt his love it can be that I’ve been so deluded and deceived I know love when I experience it I’ve experienced it before and there was a period there’s been a period it’s been short it’s been truncated it’s been superseded by abuse but there’s been a period where he did love me he really did and this is the topic of today’s lecture is there such a thing as narcissistic love
43. 30:33 is the narcissist capable of loving at all capable of love and if he is did he ever love you and who is better qualified to discuss love than your blue former visiting professor of psychology author of malignant self-love narcissism Revisited and currently on the faculty of siops Commonwealth for international Advanced professional studies Canada United Kingdom Nigeria um and so on and so forth let us is has become our tradition delve right in and first and foremost we need to discuss a few basic concepts is the narcissist capable of loving at all capable of love and if he is did he ever love you and who is better qualified to discuss love than your blue former visiting professor of psychology author of malignant self-love narcissism Revisited and currently on the faculty of siops Commonwealth for international Advanced professional studies Canada United Kingdom Nigeria um and so on and so forth let us is has become our tradition delve right in and first and foremost we need to discuss a few basic concepts
44. 31:17 I’m going to start with psychoanalysis but then I’m going to Resort or revert to other schools in Psychology now people are accusing me and promoting psychoanalysis that is absolutely not true for example in one of my previous videos two or three days ago I discussed existential psychology I discuss humanistic psychology I am open to all schools of psychology I am not a partisan of any of these schools however there are good insights in each and every school and we should not discard the baby with a bathtub with I’m going to start with psychoanalysis but then I’m going to Resort or revert to other schools in Psychology now people are accusing me and promoting psychoanalysis that is absolutely not true for example in one of my previous videos two or three days ago I discussed existential psychology I discuss humanistic psychology I am open to all schools of psychology I am not a partisan of any of these schools however there are good insights in each and every school and we should not discard the baby with a bathtub with
45. 31:50 a bathroom and with the apartment and with the city you know we should be more humble as people who work in the field of psychology we should be more humble and we should seek to extract wisdom from all our predecessors all the previous thinkers so let’s start with actually not psychoanalysis let’s start with Maslow’s motivational hierarchy remember Maslow we describe the needs of people the uppermost need is self-actualization but to start with you need food you need shelter etc etc one a bathroom and with the apartment and with the city you know we should be more humble as people who work in the field of psychology we should be more humble and we should seek to extract wisdom from all our predecessors all the previous thinkers so let’s start with actually not psychoanalysis let’s start with Maslow’s motivational hierarchy remember Maslow we describe the needs of people the uppermost need is self-actualization but to start with you need food you need shelter etc etc one
46. 32:29 of the needs is is the love need it is the third level of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs it is characterized by the striving for affiliation and acceptance calls it the social need now that’s very fascinating that’s very interesting because in today’s world we tend to conceive of love as an individual Act or at most and act between individuals while Maslow in the wake of the object relation schools suggested that Falling in Love being in love the act of loving is actually a social Act of the needs is is the love need it is the third level of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs it is characterized by the striving for affiliation and acceptance calls it the social need now that’s very fascinating that’s very interesting because in today’s world we tend to conceive of love as an individual Act or at most and act between individuals while Maslow in the wake of the object relation schools suggested that Falling in Love being in love the act of loving is actually a social Act
47. 33:14 it’s a relational Act it’s embedded in a much bigger context yes there are two individuals who love each other but they bring to the table the upbringing their families of origin previous lovers and experiences of love other relationships etc etc love is the Nexus The Hub the meeting point of hundreds of other extraneous relationships it’s like a Venn diagram the two circles overlap and the area of overlap is Love So This Is The Love need love withdrawal is a form of discipline where parents threaten to withdraw their it’s a relational Act it’s embedded in a much bigger context yes there are two individuals who love each other but they bring to the table the upbringing their families of origin previous lovers and experiences of love other relationships etc etc love is the Nexus The Hub the meeting point of hundreds of other extraneous relationships it’s like a Venn diagram the two circles overlap and the area of overlap is Love So This Is The Love need love withdrawal is a form of discipline where parents threaten to withdraw their
48. 34:03 love and affection from children if they misbehave or if they don’t perform so love withdrawn is a very dysfunctional parenting mechanism and many people grow up to many children grow up to be narcissists and codependents and so and so forth because they have been intermittently reinforced when it comes to love the parent conveyed or signaled I love you now but this is temporary this is conditional if you don’t act the way I tell you to if you don’t obey me a hundred percent I’m gonna withdraw my love and affection from children if they misbehave or if they don’t perform so love withdrawn is a very dysfunctional parenting mechanism and many people grow up to many children grow up to be narcissists and codependents and so and so forth because they have been intermittently reinforced when it comes to love the parent conveyed or signaled I love you now but this is temporary this is conditional if you don’t act the way I tell you to if you don’t obey me a hundred percent I’m gonna withdraw my
49. 34:44 love and we bring this insecure attachment Styles we bring them into adult relationships especially adult intimate and romantic relationships now there’s something called The Love map a love map is a person’s mental image of the ideal lover the ideal love relationship the ideal sexual activity with the law with a partner so a love map is a form of fantasy but it is a fantasy that is then translated to reality sometimes via coercion and sometimes by being selective so we all have a love map and in this love and we bring this insecure attachment Styles we bring them into adult relationships especially adult intimate and romantic relationships now there’s something called The Love map a love map is a person’s mental image of the ideal lover the ideal love relationship the ideal sexual activity with the law with a partner so a love map is a form of fantasy but it is a fantasy that is then translated to reality sometimes via coercion and sometimes by being selective so we all have a love map and in this
50. 35:31 love Map There’s the ideal partner and ideal love with the ideal partner an ideal sex with the ideal partner within the ideal love and then what we try to do we try to select mates according to the specs the specifications of the love map sometimes if we are for example narcissists we select mates at random and we try to impose the love map on the maid on the selected partner and this is known as the shared fantasy which is essentially essentially a strong coercive elements the love map incorporates issues of sexual love Map There’s the ideal partner and ideal love with the ideal partner an ideal sex with the ideal partner within the ideal love and then what we try to do we try to select mates according to the specs the specifications of the love map sometimes if we are for example narcissists we select mates at random and we try to impose the love map on the maid on the selected partner and this is known as the shared fantasy which is essentially essentially a strong coercive elements the love map incorporates issues of sexual
51. 36:12 orientation desire for specific behaviors even deviant behaviors it is a map of the totality of how we use sex to express love and use love to reach or to communicate via sex it was first proposed by John money yeah money money makes no they love money makes the love go around you know the song okay another concept is the love object the love object is the person towards whom the individual uh directs affection devotion and usually sexual interest in psychoanalytic theory the object is the person who is loved by someone else’s orientation desire for specific behaviors even deviant behaviors it is a map of the totality of how we use sex to express love and use love to reach or to communicate via sex it was first proposed by John money yeah money money makes no they love money makes the love go around you know the song okay another concept is the love object the love object is the person towards whom the individual uh directs affection devotion and usually sexual interest in psychoanalytic theory the object is the person who is loved by someone else’s
52. 37:00 ego so to in psychoanalytic theory to be able to love to truly love you must have a full-fledged functioning healthy reality tested ego and if you don’t you’re not capable of love and this of course explains why narcissists are not capable of love and this answers your first question narcissists are not capable of love for two reasons number one there they don’t have an ego ego formation and ego constellation in early childhood The Early Childhood of the narcissist they have been disrupted ego so to in psychoanalytic theory to be able to love to truly love you must have a full-fledged functioning healthy reality tested ego and if you don’t you’re not capable of love and this of course explains why narcissists are not capable of love and this answers your first question narcissists are not capable of love for two reasons number one there they don’t have an ego ego formation and ego constellation in early childhood The Early Childhood of the narcissist they have been disrupted
53. 37:46 so the narcissist did not complete putting together an ego a functional ego consequently according to psychoanalytic theory the narcissist is incapable of loving someone else because love is done or mediated via the ego why is that the ego is in charge of reality testing the ego is the interface between us and the world the ego is a kind of boundary condition it regulates our interactions it inhibits us it encourages us it is the gauge of what we can and cannot do taking into account the consequences of so the narcissist did not complete putting together an ego a functional ego consequently according to psychoanalytic theory the narcissist is incapable of loving someone else because love is done or mediated via the ego why is that the ego is in charge of reality testing the ego is the interface between us and the world the ego is a kind of boundary condition it regulates our interactions it inhibits us it encourages us it is the gauge of what we can and cannot do taking into account the consequences of
54. 38:32 our actions now to love someone is to go out into reality the love object is an external object and so when we love someone we direct a lot of mental energy we’ll discuss it a bit later we direct it at reality at a real object out there since the analysis doesn’t have an ego he is incapable of operating in reality what the narcissist does he substitutes fantasy for reality he resides in fantasy he inhabits a fantasy he doesn’t he doesn’t have an abode or a location in reality is dislocated our actions now to love someone is to go out into reality the love object is an external object and so when we love someone we direct a lot of mental energy we’ll discuss it a bit later we direct it at reality at a real object out there since the analysis doesn’t have an ego he is incapable of operating in reality what the narcissist does he substitutes fantasy for reality he resides in fantasy he inhabits a fantasy he doesn’t he doesn’t have an abode or a location in reality is dislocated
55. 39:24 from reality and he whenever he comes across external objects which are of interest to him for example is an intimate partner he then snapshots them he interjects them he converts them into an internal object within the Fantastic space in his mind in this sense the narcissist is a kind of psychotic so narcissists are incapable of loving you because there’s no you there’s no external object as far as elasticity is concerned let’s reason number one reason number two the narcissist is unable from reality and he whenever he comes across external objects which are of interest to him for example is an intimate partner he then snapshots them he interjects them he converts them into an internal object within the Fantastic space in his mind in this sense the narcissist is a kind of psychotic so narcissists are incapable of loving you because there’s no you there’s no external object as far as elasticity is concerned let’s reason number one reason number two the narcissist is unable
56. 39:59 to access positive emotions that is not to say that the narcissist does not have positive emotions every human being the live ones at least possesses emotions negative negative effectivity and positive everyone including narcissists including Psychopaths but narcissists are incapable of accessing and activating positive emotions because positive emotions in the case of the narcissist are linked inextricably and very powerfully to shame and to other negative emotions so the narcissist prefers not to to access positive emotions that is not to say that the narcissist does not have positive emotions every human being the live ones at least possesses emotions negative negative effectivity and positive everyone including narcissists including Psychopaths but narcissists are incapable of accessing and activating positive emotions because positive emotions in the case of the narcissist are linked inextricably and very powerfully to shame and to other negative emotions so the narcissist prefers not to
57. 40:45 experience to not experience positive emotions rather than be threatened by shame overwhelming overriding shame that that is life-threatening or depression so the narcissist is incapable of love because love is a positive emotion and narcissists don’t do positive emotions they do fantasy they do negative emotions they do um snapshotting no love being capable of loving another person it’s also known as object relations relations with objects objects are people being capable of loving another person experience to not experience positive emotions rather than be threatened by shame overwhelming overriding shame that that is life-threatening or depression so the narcissist is incapable of love because love is a positive emotion and narcissists don’t do positive emotions they do fantasy they do negative emotions they do um snapshotting no love being capable of loving another person it’s also known as object relations relations with objects objects are people being capable of loving another person
58. 41:29 crucially depends on being capable of loving yourself self-love when the self is the first object of love narcissistic love in early childhood is very crucial because it’s like loving yourself is like a rehearsal it’s like you’re you’re trying out the act of loving on a safe object which is yourself and so you try it out this trial and error it’s a rehearsal process and you’re ready to go out on stage and look for an external object to that the self-love is the initial crucial crucially depends on being capable of loving yourself self-love when the self is the first object of love narcissistic love in early childhood is very crucial because it’s like loving yourself is like a rehearsal it’s like you’re you’re trying out the act of loving on a safe object which is yourself and so you try it out this trial and error it’s a rehearsal process and you’re ready to go out on stage and look for an external object to that the self-love is the initial crucial
59. 42:16 indispensable stage in mature adult love it is a regard for an interest in one’s own being and well-being contentment when said fluff persists in a malignant way into adulthood when it becomes excessive at the expense of other people entitled this empathic when the narcissist develops autoerotism sexual attraction to his own body when he misperceives and misapprehends exaggerates and misjudges his own abilities or personality or accomplishments etc etc that is narcissism used to be called egotism indispensable stage in mature adult love it is a regard for an interest in one’s own being and well-being contentment when said fluff persists in a malignant way into adulthood when it becomes excessive at the expense of other people entitled this empathic when the narcissist develops autoerotism sexual attraction to his own body when he misperceives and misapprehends exaggerates and misjudges his own abilities or personality or accomplishments etc etc that is narcissism used to be called egotism
60. 43:06 that is narcissism so self-love can go awry when there is no transition from self-love to object love when the child is stopped dead called on its tracks when the mother does not allow the child to separate and become an individual the child remains stuck in the self-love phase and as a child grows grows up and becomes an adult he still immured and immersed in the self-love phase unable to transition or to exit this phase and transition into object love love is a very complex emotion it requires maturity that is narcissism so self-love can go awry when there is no transition from self-love to object love when the child is stopped dead called on its tracks when the mother does not allow the child to separate and become an individual the child remains stuck in the self-love phase and as a child grows grows up and becomes an adult he still immured and immersed in the self-love phase unable to transition or to exit this phase and transition into object love love is a very complex emotion it requires maturity
61. 43:54 it requires also some experience it requires self-love but a healthy one it involves strong feelings of affection and tenderness for the love object pleasurable Sensations in the presence of the level Devotion to the love object’s well-being but not self-sacrificial devotion sensitivity to the reactions of the love object to oneself in one’s behaviors and traits so love takes many forms you could have Brotherly Love concerned for for other fellow fellow beings you can have a erotic love you can have as I it requires also some experience it requires self-love but a healthy one it involves strong feelings of affection and tenderness for the love object pleasurable Sensations in the presence of the level Devotion to the love object’s well-being but not self-sacrificial devotion sensitivity to the reactions of the love object to oneself in one’s behaviors and traits so love takes many forms you could have Brotherly Love concerned for for other fellow fellow beings you can have a erotic love you can have as I
62. 44:35 mentioned self-love you can identify with the totality of of creation and then you that’s Godly love or God’s love etc etc there is a theory of love it’s called the Triangular Theory theory of love and it proposes that in love there are three uh essential very important components passion desire urge Drive um one could almost say Instinct in psychoanalytic terms intimacy and commitment I repeat passion intimacy and commitment if one of these three is missing it’s not love it’s something else it’s mentioned self-love you can identify with the totality of of creation and then you that’s Godly love or God’s love etc etc there is a theory of love it’s called the Triangular Theory theory of love and it proposes that in love there are three uh essential very important components passion desire urge Drive um one could almost say Instinct in psychoanalytic terms intimacy and commitment I repeat passion intimacy and commitment if one of these three is missing it’s not love it’s something else it’s
63. 45:19 dependency it’s show-off it’s fantasy but it’s not love social psychological research in the area of love has focused mostly unfortunately on passionate love sexual desire excitement limerence infatuation and so on there’s been some recent research about companionate love in which passion is weak but commitment is strong so there can be a cocktail a mixture of the three elements in some types of Love passionately strong commitment is weak and others commitment is strong passion this way Etc but the qualifiers dependency it’s show-off it’s fantasy but it’s not love social psychological research in the area of love has focused mostly unfortunately on passionate love sexual desire excitement limerence infatuation and so on there’s been some recent research about companionate love in which passion is weak but commitment is strong so there can be a cocktail a mixture of the three elements in some types of Love passionately strong commitment is weak and others commitment is strong passion this way Etc but the qualifiers
64. 45:57 love all three must be prison to varying degrees and love should be distinguished from limerence and infatuation they’re not the same limerence is an intense sexual desire the strong concern for the other person in a romantic relationship sensitivity as to how the other person is reacting but all these within the context and cloaked by extreme sexual desire intense over overwhelming sexual desire this is why limerence diminishes in intensity a month or two or three after a relationship is is formed and then it is love all three must be prison to varying degrees and love should be distinguished from limerence and infatuation they’re not the same limerence is an intense sexual desire the strong concern for the other person in a romantic relationship sensitivity as to how the other person is reacting but all these within the context and cloaked by extreme sexual desire intense over overwhelming sexual desire this is why limerence diminishes in intensity a month or two or three after a relationship is is formed and then it is
65. 46:41 converted it is transformed into other forms of Love Like romantic love or even passionate love but not that interests or companionate love now all this is the work of Dorothy tenov a U.S psychologist so you may wish to read up on it back to the Triangular theory of love various kinds of love can be characterized in terms of the degree in which they possess these three basic components as I said um these are the vertices of the triangle the intimacy component is about closeness connectedness bondedness it converted it is transformed into other forms of Love Like romantic love or even passionate love but not that interests or companionate love now all this is the work of Dorothy tenov a U.S psychologist so you may wish to read up on it back to the Triangular theory of love various kinds of love can be characterized in terms of the degree in which they possess these three basic components as I said um these are the vertices of the triangle the intimacy component is about closeness connectedness bondedness it
66. 47:17 gives rise to the experience of fussiness and warmth in a relationship safety intimacy is crucially founded on a sense of safety and safety is founded on stability predictability and honesty the passion component is the drive it leads to romance physical attraction sexual consummation and other related phenomena the commitment component is the decision that one loves someone yes love is a decision it’s a choice coupled with a decision you choose a mate and then at some point you reach a decision that you love them gives rise to the experience of fussiness and warmth in a relationship safety intimacy is crucially founded on a sense of safety and safety is founded on stability predictability and honesty the passion component is the drive it leads to romance physical attraction sexual consummation and other related phenomena the commitment component is the decision that one loves someone yes love is a decision it’s a choice coupled with a decision you choose a mate and then at some point you reach a decision that you love them
67. 47:58 it’s not not actually realization it’s more like a decision because there is some ambivalence there is some equivocation you are not quite sure do I want to love him because you realize the minute you say I love you that’s a commitment that’s a commitment and many people are commitment folks they’re afraid of commitment so it’s a decision and then once you decide that you love someone there’s a question of maintaining that love and Desiring that person maintenance must include sex among other it’s not not actually realization it’s more like a decision because there is some ambivalence there is some equivocation you are not quite sure do I want to love him because you realize the minute you say I love you that’s a commitment that’s a commitment and many people are commitment folks they’re afraid of commitment so it’s a decision and then once you decide that you love someone there’s a question of maintaining that love and Desiring that person maintenance must include sex among other
68. 48:35 things and so there are cognitive elements that are involved in decision making about the existence and potential long-term commitment to a loving relationship and this is actually the work of Robert Sternberg another U.S psychologist U.S psychologists are focused on love it since while German psychologists are focused on breaking us apart on giving the parts names now onward to romantic love I’m giving you a background concerning love so that you can immediately see the differences between what true love is and what you things and so there are cognitive elements that are involved in decision making about the existence and potential long-term commitment to a loving relationship and this is actually the work of Robert Sternberg another U.S psychologist U.S psychologists are focused on love it since while German psychologists are focused on breaking us apart on giving the parts names now onward to romantic love I’m giving you a background concerning love so that you can immediately see the differences between what true love is and what you
69. 49:18 have had what you have experienced with the narcissist because what you’ve experienced is it has nothing to do with anything I’ve been saying hitherto romantic love is a type of Love which in which intimacy and passion are the prominent features the last party is sometimes idealized The Lover’s sexual arousal is an important component of this kind of love in some taxonomies of Love romantic love is identified with passionate love and distinguished or companionate love in other taxonomies it is seen as involving have had what you have experienced with the narcissist because what you’ve experienced is it has nothing to do with anything I’ve been saying hitherto romantic love is a type of Love which in which intimacy and passion are the prominent features the last party is sometimes idealized The Lover’s sexual arousal is an important component of this kind of love in some taxonomies of Love romantic love is identified with passionate love and distinguished or companionate love in other taxonomies it is seen as involving
70. 49:50 elements of both it’s not very not very important important is to understand that romantic love is a phrase it’s connected intimately with limerence it involves minimal idealization not maximal or total idealization sensitivity to the partner is an external object her needs her reactions and so on and desire of the partner sexual desire of a partner not using sex as a form of control not using sex to get the partner addicted but using sex to communicate to communicate the underlying love sex as a language and elements of both it’s not very not very important important is to understand that romantic love is a phrase it’s connected intimately with limerence it involves minimal idealization not maximal or total idealization sensitivity to the partner is an external object her needs her reactions and so on and desire of the partner sexual desire of a partner not using sex as a form of control not using sex to get the partner addicted but using sex to communicate to communicate the underlying love sex as a language and
71. 50:31 this is distinguished from companionate Love is a type of Life characterized by strong feelings of intimacy and affection for another person not necessarily strong emotional arousal in that person’s presence but just wanting the best for that other person it’s not passionate love it rarely includes passion but there’s a lot of commitment and as I said a lot of intimacy in erotic love there is strong sexual desire and so it is indistinguishable from passionate love erotic love is missing in companion this is distinguished from companionate Love is a type of Life characterized by strong feelings of intimacy and affection for another person not necessarily strong emotional arousal in that person’s presence but just wanting the best for that other person it’s not passionate love it rarely includes passion but there’s a lot of commitment and as I said a lot of intimacy in erotic love there is strong sexual desire and so it is indistinguishable from passionate love erotic love is missing in companion
72. 51:08 companionate love passionate love is a type of love in which emotional arousal and sexual passion are prominent features it’s very intense um it’s uh people people who are in the throes of passionate love they’re hugely preoccupied with each other one could say obsessed they want their their feelings to be reciprocated they’re very distressed when the relationship seems to go or rhyme and so passionate love is the closest to Shared fantasy we know but it’s still a healthy version companionate love passionate love is a type of love in which emotional arousal and sexual passion are prominent features it’s very intense um it’s uh people people who are in the throes of passionate love they’re hugely preoccupied with each other one could say obsessed they want their their feelings to be reciprocated they’re very distressed when the relationship seems to go or rhyme and so passionate love is the closest to Shared fantasy we know but it’s still a healthy version
73. 51:44 because in passionate love reality testing is maintained it is not fantasy love it’s the real love of the external object we have a love scheme it measures the strength of one’s feeling feelings of love for another again love is a complex state it has various forms so there are many subscales or other skills and so on so forth so there are scales developed by Elaine Hatfield and there’s there’s a scale developed by zik Rubin etc etc but you should know that there is a love scale and a liking because in passionate love reality testing is maintained it is not fantasy love it’s the real love of the external object we have a love scheme it measures the strength of one’s feeling feelings of love for another again love is a complex state it has various forms so there are many subscales or other skills and so on so forth so there are scales developed by Elaine Hatfield and there’s there’s a scale developed by zik Rubin etc etc but you should know that there is a love scale and a liking
74. 52:22 scale I’m not going to go into it right now suffice it to say that narcissists fail on both miserably when they are tested for passionate love that’s Elaine hartfield’s uh scale they fail actually and the romantic love scale developed by Rubin the same thing they fail and they fail also on liking scale they actually don’t like the partner because they don’t see the partner there’s no partner there’s no external partner they’re interacting with a totally imagined idealized snapshot of the scale I’m not going to go into it right now suffice it to say that narcissists fail on both miserably when they are tested for passionate love that’s Elaine hartfield’s uh scale they fail actually and the romantic love scale developed by Rubin the same thing they fail and they fail also on liking scale they actually don’t like the partner because they don’t see the partner there’s no partner there’s no external partner they’re interacting with a totally imagined idealized snapshot of the
75. 52:58 partner an internal object that gradually drifts away from the partner the actual external object partner drifts away from the snapshot this huge Divergence and deviance and so this leads to devaluation and discard and so love is a form of psychic energy if you wish of course love is embedded in the brain and there are numerous numerous effects in the brain neural Neuroscience tells us that there are numerous changes in the brain numerous activities in the brain areas of the brain which are triggered and activated and then other partner an internal object that gradually drifts away from the partner the actual external object partner drifts away from the snapshot this huge Divergence and deviance and so this leads to devaluation and discard and so love is a form of psychic energy if you wish of course love is embedded in the brain and there are numerous numerous effects in the brain neural Neuroscience tells us that there are numerous changes in the brain numerous activities in the brain areas of the brain which are triggered and activated and then other
76. 53:39 areas which suppressed and so so this when I say psychic energy it’s physical energy it’s actual energy it’s Electric electrical and chemical reactions in the brain this is real energy and so in Sigmund Freud suggested that the sources of these energy of psychic energy are the drives and that this the this energy is directed at finding pleasure Jung also believed in in psychic energy but he said it’s not about pleasurable gratification or biological instincts it is energy channeling to the development areas which suppressed and so so this when I say psychic energy it’s physical energy it’s actual energy it’s Electric electrical and chemical reactions in the brain this is real energy and so in Sigmund Freud suggested that the sources of these energy of psychic energy are the drives and that this the this energy is directed at finding pleasure Jung also believed in in psychic energy but he said it’s not about pleasurable gratification or biological instincts it is energy channeling to the development
77. 54:16 of the personality and the expression of cultural and spiritual values mental energy of the personality and the expression of cultural and spiritual values mental energy