Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. Fix your Narrative, Heal Yourself: Narcissism Narrative Therapy

1. 00:01 I received complaints from some shoshanim that they had been discarded and replaced with baby seals in baby celets worry not my social name you’re always in my heart you’re the first and foremost so here goes okay today we’re going to deal with narrative
2. 00:30 narrative is our core identity and what happens when narratives fail and how to fix them my name is I’m the author of malignant self-love narcissism Revisited I am also a professor of psychology in siops Center for international Advanced professional studies the outreach
3. 00:54 program of the Cs Consortium of universities that was long wasn’t it okay disorders of the self narcissism borderline can be easily construed as failures of narratives failures of self-stories now you know my view I don’t believe there is such a thing as
4. 01:24 a unitary stable immutable self across the lifespan I believe that people have an assemblage of self-states which respond to and resonate with environmental stimuli and changes but whichever the case may be self-states self they have to be organized in a way which
5. 01:51 would make sense to the individual they have to be put together somehow According to some script some story and this story about yourself who are you where are you headed to what’s the meaning of your life what are your greatest aspirations what are your hopes what are your fears
6. 02:18 all these put together in a coherent cohesive framework is what is known as self-narrative no in narcissism The Narrative breaks down there’s a failure of narrative because the narcissist adopts a story about himself or herself which has little to do with
7. 02:41 reality the story is unrealistic it’s counter factual it’s fantastic very often grandiosli fantastic but not only for example the shared fantasy is a narrative failure The Narrative the self-narrative has to be self-efficacious it is intended to help us to survive
8. 03:07 it has an evolution it is an evolutionary positive adaptation narratives that divorce us from reality for example a psychotic narrative or a narcissistic narrative these narratives are narrative failures the same with in borderline borderline we have identity
9. 03:27 disturbance there is no fixed core there’s no identity it’s like a cloud ephemeral ever-changing shape-shifting you can’t pinpoint open down the borderline there’s nobody there in the sense that everybody is there the borderline changes sometimes within hours
10. 03:53 everything about her including her values and beliefs and hopes and wishes and dreams Everything Changes in the borderline switches between self-states rapidly Cycles to the point that she is not in both narcissism and borderline we have a situation of absence these are
11. 04:14 disorders of absence the in both of them there’s an empty schizoid core kind of black hole which
12. 04:26 does not contain any continuous contiguous jointed information everything it’s as if some improvised explosive device detonated amidst what should have been a core Care Now of identity and these are narrative failures now there is something called narrative psychology
13. 04:51 and there is something called narrative therapy where we try to fix narratives it’s a form of psychotherapy we help patients to identify values and skills which are associated with them we provide the patient with some kind of knowledge or ability to experience these values and to
14. 05:14 exercise these skills in order to confront problems and so the way we do this is we encourage self-authorship we encourage the patient to co-author with a therapist a new narrative about themselves and the patient does this by investigating the history of his or her values
15. 05:41 the continuity of his or her skills narrative therapy is closely associated with other therapies for example collaborative therapy and person-centered therapy there are several techniques in narrative therapy we start with re-offering identity The Narrative therapist focuses on
16. 06:05 assisting the patient to create a story about himself I’m going to use the the male gender pronoun but of course it applies to women as well so the patient is encouraged to write a story about himself about his identity but the story has to be helpful in some way
17. 06:26 it has to cope with some issue or problem or repetition compulsion and the work of this re-offering one’s identity helps the patients to identify values skills knowledge to to exercise in order to live these values and so on so forth therapist just listens and questions and
18. 06:51 directs this process of authorship having identified or having pinned down or realized the personal history and the values attached to this personal history now the patient is is able to write a new narrative or to co-author a new narrative the problem usually starts when there is
19. 07:16 a discrepancy between the narrative that a person tells himself and the stories that other people tell about the person when there is a clash or a conflict or dissonance between what people say and think about you and what you say and think about yourself this is very common
20. 07:35 in narcissism and that’s why narcissists have a grandiosity defense grandiosity is cognitive distortion intended to uphold the fantasy intended to prevent the dissonance a difference between self-narrative in narratives about you um from other people
21. 07:59 and so the story of someone’s identity determines not only who you are at any given moment but also your potential for self-actualization what do you believe is possible for yourself in other words your self-narrative defines your horizon The Narrative process allows you to
22. 08:24 identify values that are important to you use your skills and integrate your knowledge but it is always focused on unique outcomes it’s a phrase coined by Irving Goffman unique outcomes expectations or exceptions to the problem that wouldn’t be predicted by
23. 08:47 the problems narrative or story whenever we are faced with a problem and I recommend that you watch my previous videos video about solving dilemmas whenever you’re faced with a problem the problem itself is a narrative and usually embedded in the problem there’s
24. 09:04 some form of catastrophizing the problem actually communicates to you I cannot be solved or you’re not good enough to solve me and so rewriting or re-authoring your story creates unique outcomes um in the sense that you find a way to solve the problem you find an exception
25. 09:27 to the problems overriding message I am unresolvable another technique is called externalizing conversation narrative therapy is about constructing self-narratives but of course self-narrative a self-narrative is a very important part a very important
26. 09:49 component of core identity so the approach um in narrative therapy is not to conflict identities with self-narratives and not to mistake problems with identities that is very very reminiscent of the way cognitive behavior therapy treats automatic negative thoughts
27. 10:14 automatic negative thoughts are narratives in effect or meaning narratives but the message of automatic negative thoughts is you cannot cope with your problems they’re never gonna go away because your problems are who you are your problems are not just mistakes you
28. 10:33 have made but they reflect on who you are and so in narrative therapy we teach the patient to separate narrative about who they are self-story from problems and issues in life which have to do more with actions choices and decisions not with who you are
29. 10:55 the approach seeks to avoid actually the notion that the self is kind of biologically determined that there is something like a true nature liquidity in essence that you cannot Escape it’s a bit deterministic it’s a bit fatalistic and narrative therapy is the opposite of
30. 11:18 deterministic and fatalistic it tells you you can rewrite yourself you can reinvent yourself you can become someone different just by sheer willpower imagination and creativity we separate in narrative therapy identities self-narratives from problems
31. 11:40 and we do this by externalizing conversations the process of externalizing allows people to consider their relationships with their problems and so externalizing focuses on your strengths on your positive attributes and allows you to construct and perform
32. 12:03 a new preferred identity which is essentially a kind of positive psychology if you wish an externalizing emphasis is about naming a problem getting a handle on it so that a person can assess the problem’s effects in his or her life can analyze how the problem operates or
33. 12:25 Works in his or her life and can end the relationship with the problem they can simply choose to disengage from the problem ignore it in a way or engage with it in a totally new way from a point of strength emphasizing assets rather than liabilities and this
34. 12:49 leads usually to something which prominent narrative therapist Michael White had developed it’s called the statement of position map the therapist is collaborating with the patient it’s a therapeutic posture it doesn’t impose ideas of the patient it doesn’t give the patient advice
35. 13:11 he just together with the patient explores the patient’s life in history personal history autobiography together they uncover and examine a life unexamined they remember things passed to borrow from another Jew must sell proust Michael White developed a conversation
36. 13:34 map which by the way is is somewhat reminiscent to the map of happiness in cold therapy so he developed a conversation map called a statement of position map it is designed to elicit the client’s own evaluation of the problems and the developments in their life
37. 13:57 the therapist and the client are perceived as having some kind of valuable information relevant to the process and they create together they co-create their co-creators they co-create the content of the therapeutic conversation by imbuing it and suffusing it with
38. 14:18 these valuable information the therapist has valuable information about healing the patient has valuable information about the patient so there’s a position there’s a position of curiosity the therapist is curious about the patient the patient is curious about what the
39. 14:38 therapist might have to say may have to say and they collaborate and there’s an implicit message you already have everything you need to transform your life you have all these skills you have all the values you have all the knowledge to solve the problems that
40. 14:55 you’re facing even if you have identity disturbance you can leverage you can leverage your kaleidoscopic nature you can leverage this instability this constant shape-shifting these are not necessarily liabilities this could be construed and used as assets
41. 15:19 in a new self-narrative or safe story which is not the precatory not self-critical and does not necessarily adhere or conform to social mores and so on when people develop solutions to their own problems based on their own values on their traits on their decisions choices and
42. 15:42 behavior on their personal history they own the process they become much more committed to implementing these Solutions a practice a common practice in narrative therapy is re-membering the therapy identifies identities that are somehow sublimated identities that
43. 16:04 are socially conformant or reflect somehow or denote social accomplishments and achievements and the practice of remembering [Music] um kind of puts together these identities which are socially condoned it tries to coalesce them to support a person’s preferred story about
44. 16:30 themselves it disengages the identities that do not support the person again very reminiscent of how cognitive behavior therapy deals with automatic negative thoughts and similarly in Gestalt
45. 16:48 Michael White was actually it is actually a proponent of Jacques de Rida and he draws on his work white was curious about the values that were implicit in people’s pain sense of failure and actions which are self-destructive and self-defeating what kind of values
46. 17:14 can motivate these why would have anyone have a value or set your values which causes which causes self-destruction why would anyone seek pain in a way by adopting certain values where does the sense of failure come from if you do follow your values you
47. 17:35 should feel great you should feel ego syntonic you should feel accomplished because you have been following your values so why don’t you why don’t you why do you feel so bad ultimately people feel pain or failure in relation to their values or how they
48. 17:55 would prefer their relationships of life to be um these are kind of stalled initiatives that people take in life and they’re also Guided by implicit values by rendering the hidden text over it the implicit text explicit by doing this we actually bring to awareness
49. 18:19 conflicts dissonances and internal problems another map in narrative therapy native therapy is very very big on maps so another map is called the outside Outsider weaknesses map it’s a again everything in narrative therapy is a conversation between the therapist and the patient
50. 18:44 this is a narrative practice it’s a practice of telling stories to each other sometimes Outsider Witnesses are invited as listeners in the consultation it could be a lot of parents good friends enemies spouses spouses our enemies okay you know you know what I mean people
51. 19:05 from the outside so they are brought into the into the room into the counseling process and then they um they are asked to contribute they asked to contribute to the weaving of this of this yarn of this quilt to the weaving of this emerging story
52. 19:34 and it is beautiful beautiful to be old The Narrative process as it gives rise to a totally new identity and self-story which are much more helpful and beneficial to the client when Outsiders are invited to the counseling or consultation room and by the way Outsiders could be for
53. 19:59 example Club other clients of the Therapies who have gone through the process and they have knowledge and experience of the problem at hand There’s No Limit or limitation on who is allowed into into the room during the consultation and so these people participate and it becomes
54. 20:20 a community effort very similar to group therapy in a way and during the first interview between the therapist and the patient um even during the first interview sometimes as an outsider in The Outsider listens without commenting it’s it’s in order to be seen
55. 20:43 The outsider’s Gaze helps the patient see himself or herself through an outsider’s gaze maybe for the first time the patient is really seen the usual the usual protocol for the involvement of Outsiders in narrative therapy is to um instruct them not to criticize the patient
56. 21:12 not to evaluate the patient not to rank the patient or give him over marks and not to make proclamations opinionated proclamations about what they’ve just heard or what they’ve just seen Outsiders are simply asked to say what phrase or image stood out for them in the narrative or
57. 21:36 the newly emergent narrative they asked to follow resonances between their own life struggles and the problems and issues they have just witnessed outside the results in what ways they may feel a shift in how they experience themselves from when they first entered the room
58. 21:56 it is intended to demonstrate to the patient that every human interaction creates a shift every human interaction has an effect every human interaction hurts or elates nothing and no one is isolated we all relational and so any narrative and self-story we
59. 22:20 may come up with has to take into account other people the therapist turns to the Consulting to the patient patient has been listening all the while to The Outsider and then the therapist turns to him and interviews him about what images or phrases stood out in the
60. 22:40 conversation just heard and what resonances have struck Accord with with a patient so there isn’t a kind of intermediation the therapist becomes a facilitator or a moderator between the inputs of the outsider and the inputs of the patient and the resonances and interactions
61. 22:59 between these two inputs in the at the end an outsider witness conversation is very rewarding it’s very rewarding not only for the patient but for the outsider as well the outcomes are often remarkable when the pain where the patient is concerned they
62. 23:19 learn that they are not the only one with this problem for example they acquire new images and knowledge about the problem and they can they choose an alternative Direction in life the main aim of narrative therapy is to engage people with their problems by
63. 23:36 providing them with alternative better or best Solutions which are essentially new same stories new identities new self-narratives and everything is documented everything is written down exactly as an offer will do only this is a process of self-authorship with a guide or a
64. 23:56 facilitator so the person and the counselor the co-offer uh certificates there is for example a graduation from the blues certificate about overcoming depression sometimes case notes are created collaboratively with clients to provide documentation as as well as markers of
65. 24:18 progress I do the same in cold therapy rewriting Who You Are is a first step not a last one when you are faced with situations in life which are intractable when you feel hopeless when you feel there’s nowhere to go when you feel that it is your essence
66. 24:38 that is compromising your life when you feel that who you are is the problem then of course you need to change who you are and here’s the good news you have the power to do so because you are nothing but a dream you are nothing but a storyline you’re nothing but a movie or
67. 25:00 a script or a theater play you can rewrite yourself you’re the author of yourself and you’re the exclusive author of your own life and people are out there and they can provide you with sufficient input to guide you calibrate you even evil people people with ill intentions
68. 25:22 they provide you with valuable input the part and parcel of the learning curve and experience it’s a teaching moment every moment so trust your ability to become someone else and Trust the world to provide you with inputs and feedback which will keep you on track
69. 25:53 which will allow you to gauge whether you are doing the right thing to not discard anything information or data that comes from the world all these stimuli all these inputs are critical for your self-betterment healing or at the very least enhanced
70. 26:16 self-efficacy in solving problems gradually you will discover that you do have stable values even as a borderline gradually you will find out that reconstructing your narrative has amazing effects not only on who you are but on what’s happening to you
71. 26:39 and this is true even for narcissists cold therapy is actually a variant of narrative therapy where we write out grandiosity and replace it with a self-narrative that is realistic and allows for enhanced selfie self-efficacy in interpersonal relationships thank you for listening