Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. 7 Phases of Shared Fantasy: Why Narcissist Needs YOU

1. 00:03 over the past year i’ve been synthesizing integrating sanders id of a shirt fantasy with my principle of dual mothership to yield a coherent framework for understanding the narcissist’s interpersonal and intimate relationships now it’s a conceptual framework it’s extremely difficult to grasp at first exposure i understand that and so i’m making this video where i’m about to put together everything you’ve heard on my channel with regards to these issues so this is the only video you should over the past year i’ve been synthesizing integrating sanders id of a shirt fantasy with my principle of dual mothership to yield a coherent framework for understanding the narcissist’s interpersonal and intimate relationships now it’s a conceptual framework it’s extremely difficult to grasp at first exposure i understand that and so i’m making this video where i’m about to put together everything you’ve heard on my channel with regards to these issues so this is the only video you should
2. 00:46 actually watch if you want to get the full picture the integrated picture i hope it will be of help to some of you but before we go there a few service announcements i’m gonna i’m gonna be in bucharest uh next week if you are in romania or in bucharest or in europe and you wish to have a one-on-one personal counseling session with me please write to me urgently at sunwacknin at gmail.com saint wagner that’s my name at gmail.com again personal one-on-one counseling sessions in bucharest write to me i’m traveling actually watch if you want to get the full picture the integrated picture i hope it will be of help to some of you but before we go there a few service announcements i’m gonna i’m gonna be in bucharest uh next week if you are in romania or in bucharest or in europe and you wish to have a one-on-one personal counseling session with me please write to me urgently at sunwacknin at gmail.com saint wagner that’s my name at gmail.com again personal one-on-one counseling sessions in bucharest write to me i’m traveling
3. 01:29 next week second thing everything you’re about to hear in this video is an integral part of the free seven days seminar in 2017 in romania september 19th to the 25th there’s a free seven-day seminar with me in romania write to me again write to me it’s sam wagner gmail.com in order to secure your seat the capacity is 300 and there are already 276 people registered confirmed with bookings in hotels so there are no seats left if you want to attend my seven days free seminar please write to me urgently on my email next week second thing everything you’re about to hear in this video is an integral part of the free seven days seminar in 2017 in romania september 19th to the 25th there’s a free seven-day seminar with me in romania write to me again write to me it’s sam wagner gmail.com in order to secure your seat the capacity is 300 and there are already 276 people registered confirmed with bookings in hotels so there are no seats left if you want to attend my seven days free seminar please write to me urgently on my email
4. 02:22 sandvagnin gmail.com the seminar will also include a general introduction to cluster b personality disorders with the bleeding edge cutting edge latest research in the field richard granon is coming out with a course based partly on my uh dual mothership and shirt fantasy concepts so you may wish to be hyper vigilant and await his new course materials and richard and i will be recording a few additional dialogues in bucharest this coming week and the dialogues will deal with treatment modalities sandvagnin gmail.com the seminar will also include a general introduction to cluster b personality disorders with the bleeding edge cutting edge latest research in the field richard granon is coming out with a course based partly on my uh dual mothership and shirt fantasy concepts so you may wish to be hyper vigilant and await his new course materials and richard and i will be recording a few additional dialogues in bucharest this coming week and the dialogues will deal with treatment modalities
5. 03:02 possible treatment modalities based on my new concepts one last thing i know you tend to sign off after eight minutes or ten minutes because you know eight minutes is too much attention spans have decreased over the the last few decades people can barely read more than one sentence and listen to more than one sound bite but in this particular video which you’re about to watch if you don’t listen to the very very very end you’re going to miss upon some very exciting things which could possible treatment modalities based on my new concepts one last thing i know you tend to sign off after eight minutes or ten minutes because you know eight minutes is too much attention spans have decreased over the the last few decades people can barely read more than one sentence and listen to more than one sound bite but in this particular video which you’re about to watch if you don’t listen to the very very very end you’re going to miss upon some very exciting things which could
6. 03:36 shed light on many of the mysteries and enigmas and conundrums in your past relationships and can prevent you from pitfalls and problems in your future relationships this single time make an exception listen to the end okay as i said my conceptual framework aims to explain the inexplicable the bizarre erratic inhuman robotic in a way behaviors of the narcissist with with his nearest and dearest with his supposedly loved ones with his intimate partners with his significant or insignificant others shed light on many of the mysteries and enigmas and conundrums in your past relationships and can prevent you from pitfalls and problems in your future relationships this single time make an exception listen to the end okay as i said my conceptual framework aims to explain the inexplicable the bizarre erratic inhuman robotic in a way behaviors of the narcissist with with his nearest and dearest with his supposedly loved ones with his intimate partners with his significant or insignificant others
7. 04:21 why does he behave this way how can you explain the somersaults and and vul and and all these um turning on a dime how could you explain the narcissist fluctuating from one pole to another from idealization to devaluation how do you account for all this why does it hover you having got written or gotten rid of you so i constructed this conceptual framework which provides 100 answers to to all these questions for the first time mayor ed and the whole framework is constructed on the concept of shared fantasy first why does he behave this way how can you explain the somersaults and and vul and and all these um turning on a dime how could you explain the narcissist fluctuating from one pole to another from idealization to devaluation how do you account for all this why does it hover you having got written or gotten rid of you so i constructed this conceptual framework which provides 100 answers to to all these questions for the first time mayor ed and the whole framework is constructed on the concept of shared fantasy first
8. 05:02 proposed by sander in 1989. shirt fantasy is a space it’s a space where the narcissist can re-experience his childhood trauma safely so it’s a fantastic space it’s divorced from reality because reality hurts reality is unpredictable reality is dangerous and above all you cannot control reality so the narcissist constructs this para kosum this theme park this disneyland and invites you in this is the shirt fantasy but the chef fantasy is a very complex unfolding psychodynamic process and it has proposed by sander in 1989. shirt fantasy is a space it’s a space where the narcissist can re-experience his childhood trauma safely so it’s a fantastic space it’s divorced from reality because reality hurts reality is unpredictable reality is dangerous and above all you cannot control reality so the narcissist constructs this para kosum this theme park this disneyland and invites you in this is the shirt fantasy but the chef fantasy is a very complex unfolding psychodynamic process and it has
9. 05:46 multiple stages and it is it is this fact that there are so many phases and that these phases are mutually exclusive they contradict each other it is this fact that throws you off the scent that discombobulates you that confuses you you’re disoriented you feel as if you are trapped in a nightmare or a dreamscape you don’t you can’t make sense and meaning out of what’s happening to you but in the narcissist mind it all makes perfect sense and i’m inviting you today to go with me multiple stages and it is it is this fact that there are so many phases and that these phases are mutually exclusive they contradict each other it is this fact that throws you off the scent that discombobulates you that confuses you you’re disoriented you feel as if you are trapped in a nightmare or a dreamscape you don’t you can’t make sense and meaning out of what’s happening to you but in the narcissist mind it all makes perfect sense and i’m inviting you today to go with me
10. 06:24 to wander with me the corridors of the narcissist mind as he inhabits or possesses the shared fantasy as he haunts the shirt fantasy because the narcissist mine is a haunted house what are the stages of the shirt front stage number one co-idealization love bombing you by idealizing you by telling you that you’re perfect that you’re brilliant that you’re dropped that gorgeous that you’re super intelligent intelligent that he has never had such an experience before you the this process of idealizing you to wander with me the corridors of the narcissist mind as he inhabits or possesses the shared fantasy as he haunts the shirt fantasy because the narcissist mine is a haunted house what are the stages of the shirt front stage number one co-idealization love bombing you by idealizing you by telling you that you’re perfect that you’re brilliant that you’re dropped that gorgeous that you’re super intelligent intelligent that he has never had such an experience before you the this process of idealizing you
11. 07:09 render rendering you rendering you a perfect being has multiple reasons multiple motivations the first one is to get you addicted to your own idealized image via the narcissus gaze this is called the whole of mirrors effect a narcissist invites you to a hall of mirrors where you see yourself multiplied in an idealized form and that’s very addictive you can’t let this go but this is only one reason for idealizing you the second reason to idealize you is what i call co-idealization by idealizing you the narcissist is render rendering you rendering you a perfect being has multiple reasons multiple motivations the first one is to get you addicted to your own idealized image via the narcissus gaze this is called the whole of mirrors effect a narcissist invites you to a hall of mirrors where you see yourself multiplied in an idealized form and that’s very addictive you can’t let this go but this is only one reason for idealizing you the second reason to idealize you is what i call co-idealization by idealizing you the narcissist is
12. 07:50 actually idealizing himself by photoshopping your introject the snapshot that the narcissist has taken of you the narcissist actually claims to own you because you’re an internal object remember when the narcissist first sees you as a potential intimate partner he takes a snapshot of you exactly like a photograph and then he photoshops it he idealizes it and this snapshot is called the introject the narcissist then internalizes the introject it’s in his mind and he owns it it becomes an extension of him he merges actually idealizing himself by photoshopping your introject the snapshot that the narcissist has taken of you the narcissist actually claims to own you because you’re an internal object remember when the narcissist first sees you as a potential intimate partner he takes a snapshot of you exactly like a photograph and then he photoshops it he idealizes it and this snapshot is called the introject the narcissist then internalizes the introject it’s in his mind and he owns it it becomes an extension of him he merges
13. 08:32 with it he fuses with it the introduction becomes an integral part of the narcissist brain and so the narcissist the narcissist owns a totally good object a totally perfect object your snapshot your avatar now your avatar or snapshot have nothing to do with you and increasingly less and less to do with you actually but in the narcissist mind the only reality is your snapshot the only real thing is your avatar with which he interacts never with you always with your in representation in his mind the narcissist is a dialogue with the with it he fuses with it the introduction becomes an integral part of the narcissist brain and so the narcissist the narcissist owns a totally good object a totally perfect object your snapshot your avatar now your avatar or snapshot have nothing to do with you and increasingly less and less to do with you actually but in the narcissist mind the only reality is your snapshot the only real thing is your avatar with which he interacts never with you always with your in representation in his mind the narcissist is a dialogue with the
14. 09:14 object in his mind the internal object that stands in for you you are you’re no longer relevant how you appear in the narcissist mind your apparition is relevant and because this operation this representation this icon this avatar is all good and perfect and brilliant and amazing and the narcissist owns it it makes him equally good and brilliant and perfect and amazing by owning it the narcissist imbues himself with the attributes of the object you know in ancient pagan primitive societies they used to eat prisoners of war object in his mind the internal object that stands in for you you are you’re no longer relevant how you appear in the narcissist mind your apparition is relevant and because this operation this representation this icon this avatar is all good and perfect and brilliant and amazing and the narcissist owns it it makes him equally good and brilliant and perfect and amazing by owning it the narcissist imbues himself with the attributes of the object you know in ancient pagan primitive societies they used to eat prisoners of war
15. 09:59 because they believed that by eating prisoners of war they will have digested their courage they will have acquired the traits the good positive traits and qualities of the enemy it’s the same with the narcissist he consumes you he digests you he attributes you to you perfection and brilliance and beauty which are beyond human and by digesting you he acquires these properties himself and this is the first phase in the short fantasy co-idealization the second phase is dual mothership in the dual mothership phase the because they believed that by eating prisoners of war they will have digested their courage they will have acquired the traits the good positive traits and qualities of the enemy it’s the same with the narcissist he consumes you he digests you he attributes you to you perfection and brilliance and beauty which are beyond human and by digesting you he acquires these properties himself and this is the first phase in the short fantasy co-idealization the second phase is dual mothership in the dual mothership phase the
16. 10:43 narcissist gradually converts you into a maternal figure a mother stand in for his original mother his original mother mother might be dead might be alive it’s besides the point it’s irrelevant it’s not about the real flesh and blood mother it’s about his mother his birth mother as she appears in his mind in other words the introject of his mother in his mind what he’s trying to do he’s trying to conv convert you into a competing introject a competing of substitutive maternal narcissist gradually converts you into a maternal figure a mother stand in for his original mother his original mother mother might be dead might be alive it’s besides the point it’s irrelevant it’s not about the real flesh and blood mother it’s about his mother his birth mother as she appears in his mind in other words the introject of his mother in his mind what he’s trying to do he’s trying to conv convert you into a competing introject a competing of substitutive maternal
17. 11:21 introject to displace his original mother he forces you to become his mother he tests you with narcissistic abuse are you going to love him and accept him never mind what he does to you are you going to offer him unconditional love are you going to idealize him the way mothers idealize their children it’s a recreation of childhood with you in the mother role at the same time the narcissist offers you mothership he becomes your mother he becomes your parental figure he offers you unconditional love he introject to displace his original mother he forces you to become his mother he tests you with narcissistic abuse are you going to love him and accept him never mind what he does to you are you going to offer him unconditional love are you going to idealize him the way mothers idealize their children it’s a recreation of childhood with you in the mother role at the same time the narcissist offers you mothership he becomes your mother he becomes your parental figure he offers you unconditional love he
18. 12:01 idealizes you he is there for you he’s all over you actually this is very addictive it’s very difficult to let go of this because it’s a second chance at having a proper childhood with a good enough mother it’s the first time you can love yourself through the narcissist maternal gaze and before you ask anything yes it’s only mothers fathers are not relevant at this stage of development fathers are very relevant much later in the processes of socialization and encounteration or acculturation idealizes you he is there for you he’s all over you actually this is very addictive it’s very difficult to let go of this because it’s a second chance at having a proper childhood with a good enough mother it’s the first time you can love yourself through the narcissist maternal gaze and before you ask anything yes it’s only mothers fathers are not relevant at this stage of development fathers are very relevant much later in the processes of socialization and encounteration or acculturation
19. 12:39 when children acquire societal mores and edicts scripts how to behave in society sexual scripts cultural tropes this comes from the father but the mother determines whether you become an individual at all and so we are talking only about mothers even with women it’s only about mothers the narcissist offers you a second chance to love yourself through a maternal gaze and this is the dual mothership concept you mother the narcissist and the narcissist mothers you and so but why would the narcissist want you to when children acquire societal mores and edicts scripts how to behave in society sexual scripts cultural tropes this comes from the father but the mother determines whether you become an individual at all and so we are talking only about mothers even with women it’s only about mothers the narcissist offers you a second chance to love yourself through a maternal gaze and this is the dual mothership concept you mother the narcissist and the narcissist mothers you and so but why would the narcissist want you to
20. 13:22 be his mother his original experience with his mother has been has been abject and obnoxious and horrible why would he like to go through it again because he never got the chance to separate from his original mother his original mother was what andre green called a dead mother dead not in the physical sense dead in the emotional sense an absent selfish narcissistic demanding smothering abusive instrumentalizing parentifying mother a bad mother a not good enough mother in the language of donald winnicott be his mother his original experience with his mother has been has been abject and obnoxious and horrible why would he like to go through it again because he never got the chance to separate from his original mother his original mother was what andre green called a dead mother dead not in the physical sense dead in the emotional sense an absent selfish narcissistic demanding smothering abusive instrumentalizing parentifying mother a bad mother a not good enough mother in the language of donald winnicott
21. 14:02 so this kind of mother doesn’t allow the child to separate from her she annexes the child she treats the child as an as an as an integral part of her she merges and fuses with the child and leverages the child as an extension and so the child never gets the chance to separate and because he cannot separate the narcissist never gets a chance to individuate to become an individual he has no ego actually that’s the irony narcissists have no ego they are self-less so he cannot develop he cannot become an so this kind of mother doesn’t allow the child to separate from her she annexes the child she treats the child as an as an as an integral part of her she merges and fuses with the child and leverages the child as an extension and so the child never gets the chance to separate and because he cannot separate the narcissist never gets a chance to individuate to become an individual he has no ego actually that’s the irony narcissists have no ego they are self-less so he cannot develop he cannot become an
22. 14:44 adult he is stuck in a perpetual loop known as repetition compulsion or diathesis in adelarian terms he is stuck in a perpetual loop with his mother of origin trying desperately to separate from her in his mind and failing consistently and here you come along and you become his new mother and with you he has a chance with you he stands a chance to separate finally he can complete the incomplete process of his childhood he can settle the accounts he can move into the world a bit grandiosely take on adult he is stuck in a perpetual loop known as repetition compulsion or diathesis in adelarian terms he is stuck in a perpetual loop with his mother of origin trying desperately to separate from her in his mind and failing consistently and here you come along and you become his new mother and with you he has a chance with you he stands a chance to separate finally he can complete the incomplete process of his childhood he can settle the accounts he can move into the world a bit grandiosely take on
23. 15:21 reality and perhaps grow up realize his potential self-actualize become an adult you’re his lost hope and he needs to separate from you the way he didn’t do with his mother of origin he needs to reenact the separation but how can he separate from you he needs to discard you the only way to separate from you is to get rid of you so he does this in his mind this is the third phase remember this first phase is idealization love bombing the second phase is dual mothership the third phase is mental discard reality and perhaps grow up realize his potential self-actualize become an adult you’re his lost hope and he needs to separate from you the way he didn’t do with his mother of origin he needs to reenact the separation but how can he separate from you he needs to discard you the only way to separate from you is to get rid of you so he does this in his mind this is the third phase remember this first phase is idealization love bombing the second phase is dual mothership the third phase is mental discard
24. 16:07 the narcissist begins the separation from you in his mind he first discards you in his mind but the minute he starts to discard you in his mind this has to adverse effects two it creates two problems two very difficult psychological processes the first one abundant anxiety separation in security the narcissist is afraid to lose you and the second one is narcissistic injury because if the narcissist is compelled to discard you if he feels the need to get rid of you it means that his judgment of you was the narcissist begins the separation from you in his mind he first discards you in his mind but the minute he starts to discard you in his mind this has to adverse effects two it creates two problems two very difficult psychological processes the first one abundant anxiety separation in security the narcissist is afraid to lose you and the second one is narcissistic injury because if the narcissist is compelled to discard you if he feels the need to get rid of you it means that his judgment of you was
25. 16:52 wrong it means you are not ideal it means he misjudged you it means that he is not omniscient he is not all-knowing he is not godlike is a serious narcissistic injury the very fact that he is compelled forced to separate from you owing to his internal processes to his incomplete business with his mother the fact that he needs to get rid of you to exit your the shirt fantasy to leave you behind this fact implies that he has made an error of judgment with you that he was less than perfect that he is valuable wrong it means you are not ideal it means he misjudged you it means that he is not omniscient he is not all-knowing he is not godlike is a serious narcissistic injury the very fact that he is compelled forced to separate from you owing to his internal processes to his incomplete business with his mother the fact that he needs to get rid of you to exit your the shirt fantasy to leave you behind this fact implies that he has made an error of judgment with you that he was less than perfect that he is valuable
26. 17:34 and that he can commit and did commit a mistake that’s a major narcissistic injury how to overcome this narcissistic injury narcissistic injury is very painful it’s intolerable how to overcome the abandonment anxiety which is which also threatens the narcissist precarious internal balance the answer devaluation the narcissist needs to devalue you but he needs to devalue you [Music] as an external object the minute he devalues you as an external object he restores his sense of grandiosity he and that he can commit and did commit a mistake that’s a major narcissistic injury how to overcome this narcissistic injury narcissistic injury is very painful it’s intolerable how to overcome the abandonment anxiety which is which also threatens the narcissist precarious internal balance the answer devaluation the narcissist needs to devalue you but he needs to devalue you [Music] as an external object the minute he devalues you as an external object he restores his sense of grandiosity he
27. 18:16 wipes clean the narcissistic injury and he has no more abundant anxiety what does it mean to devalue you as an external object it means to look at you in a new way it means to say for example she has changed i wasn’t wrong about her i’m never wrong but she has changed or she is manipulative malevolent and deceitful she hid information from me that’s why i misjudged her or she is no good i have evolved i have grown up i have developed and she was left behind we have diverged etc etc these are all wipes clean the narcissistic injury and he has no more abundant anxiety what does it mean to devalue you as an external object it means to look at you in a new way it means to say for example she has changed i wasn’t wrong about her i’m never wrong but she has changed or she is manipulative malevolent and deceitful she hid information from me that’s why i misjudged her or she is no good i have evolved i have grown up i have developed and she was left behind we have diverged etc etc these are all
28. 18:59 forms of devaluing the external object now the minute the external object is devalued is worthless the minute the external object is no longer idealized no longer good this allows the narcissist to restore his grandiosity there’s no narcissistic injury he wasn’t wrong after all you had deceived him or you have changed or he has changed so he wasn’t wrong after all so there’s no narcissistic injury grandiosity restored and there’s no abundant anxiety because why have why have abundant anxiety with forms of devaluing the external object now the minute the external object is devalued is worthless the minute the external object is no longer idealized no longer good this allows the narcissist to restore his grandiosity there’s no narcissistic injury he wasn’t wrong after all you had deceived him or you have changed or he has changed so he wasn’t wrong after all so there’s no narcissistic injury grandiosity restored and there’s no abundant anxiety because why have why have abundant anxiety with
29. 19:37 a devalued object i mean it’s a good thing to lose a devalued object so this this creates an ego congruent sense of discard of an either to idealize object in other words now the narcissist feels comfortable eco-symptomic comfortable with his decision in eternal decision mental decision to discard you now he is able to move on to the last phase or the last phases of the fantasy so to recap the narcissist first discards you in his mind but this creates dissonance it’s a narcissistic injury it implies a devalued object i mean it’s a good thing to lose a devalued object so this this creates an ego congruent sense of discard of an either to idealize object in other words now the narcissist feels comfortable eco-symptomic comfortable with his decision in eternal decision mental decision to discard you now he is able to move on to the last phase or the last phases of the fantasy so to recap the narcissist first discards you in his mind but this creates dissonance it’s a narcissistic injury it implies
30. 20:21 that his judgment was less than perfect and it creates abundant anxiety to resolve this he devalues you the minute he devalues you he has no abundant anxiety because who why would anyone mourn or grieve over a devalued object and there is no narcissistic injury because it proves that he has never been wrong and he is never wrong of course he is ready to move on he is ready to translate the mental discard to discard in real life the minute he’s ready to do this series of processes begin when he when the narcissist devalues the that his judgment was less than perfect and it creates abundant anxiety to resolve this he devalues you the minute he devalues you he has no abundant anxiety because who why would anyone mourn or grieve over a devalued object and there is no narcissistic injury because it proves that he has never been wrong and he is never wrong of course he is ready to move on he is ready to translate the mental discard to discard in real life the minute he’s ready to do this series of processes begin when he when the narcissist devalues the
31. 21:02 external object as a way to overcome the narcissistic injury restore grandiosity and ameliorate abandonment anxiety the minute he does this on the way to separating from you which is the overriding goal you remember but the minute he does this there is an abyss there is a gap which opens between you as a devalued object and the snapshot of you which is still idealized the introject of you the avatar of you the internal representation of you this internal object is still idealized but you out there external object as a way to overcome the narcissistic injury restore grandiosity and ameliorate abandonment anxiety the minute he does this on the way to separating from you which is the overriding goal you remember but the minute he does this there is an abyss there is a gap which opens between you as a devalued object and the snapshot of you which is still idealized the introject of you the avatar of you the internal representation of you this internal object is still idealized but you out there
32. 21:45 you have been devalued so there is a discrepancy there is divergence between the snapshot and you as an external object and this creates anxiety because the narcissist feels he feels that something’s wrong something has gone alright how can it be that you are so devalued and your snapshot is so idealized he needs to resolve this and the way he resolves this is the way every two-year-old resolves similar conflicts with his mother he splits you splitting defense is a primitive infantile way of coping with the nuances of life you have been devalued so there is a discrepancy there is divergence between the snapshot and you as an external object and this creates anxiety because the narcissist feels he feels that something’s wrong something has gone alright how can it be that you are so devalued and your snapshot is so idealized he needs to resolve this and the way he resolves this is the way every two-year-old resolves similar conflicts with his mother he splits you splitting defense is a primitive infantile way of coping with the nuances of life
33. 22:31 life is grey it’s never black and white there’s good and bad in every person it’s impossible to categorize people totally or place them in drawers in a clean manner taxonomy and classification often fail so the child copes with this need for subtlety and need for nuance by splitting mother is all good i’m all dead or mother is all bad i’m all good or whatever so he this is called dichotomous thinking the child breaks the world into two or more parts usually two one of them is all good the other is all life is grey it’s never black and white there’s good and bad in every person it’s impossible to categorize people totally or place them in drawers in a clean manner taxonomy and classification often fail so the child copes with this need for subtlety and need for nuance by splitting mother is all good i’m all dead or mother is all bad i’m all good or whatever so he this is called dichotomous thinking the child breaks the world into two or more parts usually two one of them is all good the other is all
34. 23:14 dead and now that the narcissist needs to discard you he needs to make peace between to reconcile your devalued external object his devalued external object you and his idealized internal object your inner representation so there’s a discrepancy you have been devalued the internal object is idealized and he splits he now says that the introject is all bad he devalues the introject the minute he devalues the introject the minute he he kind of mutilates the snapshot the minute he attributes to the snapshot dead and now that the narcissist needs to discard you he needs to make peace between to reconcile your devalued external object his devalued external object you and his idealized internal object your inner representation so there’s a discrepancy you have been devalued the internal object is idealized and he splits he now says that the introject is all bad he devalues the introject the minute he devalues the introject the minute he he kind of mutilates the snapshot the minute he attributes to the snapshot
35. 24:01 everything that’s bad everything that’s evil everything that seemed perfect the minute he does this he himself becomes grandiosely all good i want you to understand this the narcissist devalues you as an external object but your internal representation in his mind is still all good still idealized so what the narcissist does he changes the equation he renders the snapshot the introject your representation in his mind he renders it all bad thereby making himself all good you remember that splitting everything that’s bad everything that’s evil everything that seemed perfect the minute he does this he himself becomes grandiosely all good i want you to understand this the narcissist devalues you as an external object but your internal representation in his mind is still all good still idealized so what the narcissist does he changes the equation he renders the snapshot the introject your representation in his mind he renders it all bad thereby making himself all good you remember that splitting
36. 24:45 the defense mechanism the primitive infantile defense known as splitting has to do with all good all bad all black all white all right or wrong with me or against me this is splitting so the narcissist converts you into a blackened enemy without any redeeming feature externally as well as internal but the minute he had reduced your snapshot into a devalued state all bad the narcissist becomes grandiosely all good and now he is ready to discard you he is virtuous he is all good he is perfect he is again god-like he’s the defense mechanism the primitive infantile defense known as splitting has to do with all good all bad all black all white all right or wrong with me or against me this is splitting so the narcissist converts you into a blackened enemy without any redeeming feature externally as well as internal but the minute he had reduced your snapshot into a devalued state all bad the narcissist becomes grandiosely all good and now he is ready to discard you he is virtuous he is all good he is perfect he is again god-like he’s
37. 25:31 grandiose and you are the opposite of all this you’re all bad you’re all defective and deformed you’re all dysfunctional you’re stupid and ugly and i don’t know what so he’s ready to discard you and there’s an actual discard but when the narcissist actually discard you when it happens in reality this painful process of suddenly becoming nobody to the narcissist an insignificant other when the discard in real life happens again the narcissist is confronted with the dilemma with a conundrum grandiose and you are the opposite of all this you’re all bad you’re all defective and deformed you’re all dysfunctional you’re stupid and ugly and i don’t know what so he’s ready to discard you and there’s an actual discard but when the narcissist actually discard you when it happens in reality this painful process of suddenly becoming nobody to the narcissist an insignificant other when the discard in real life happens again the narcissist is confronted with the dilemma with a conundrum
38. 26:12 because your gun you exit his life what to do with a snapshot your gun you’re no longer in his in his life physically you don’t share the same space you don’t go habit you have nothing in common let’s assume we have no children he doesn’t he never sees you again but your snapshot your introject remains in his mind and this is especially true if he’s forced to continue to have contact with you in the future because for example you have a common business or common children because your gun you exit his life what to do with a snapshot your gun you’re no longer in his in his life physically you don’t share the same space you don’t go habit you have nothing in common let’s assume we have no children he doesn’t he never sees you again but your snapshot your introject remains in his mind and this is especially true if he’s forced to continue to have contact with you in the future because for example you have a common business or common children
39. 26:44 every time he sees you or every time he thinks of you if he doesn’t see you there’s a clash because he’s reminded that there is a corrupted decadent bad imperfect sick introject in his mind your introject you remember he had devalued he has devalued your introject in order to be able to discard you he first devalued you in reality and then he devalued the introject and then he was ready to discard but having discarded you he was left with introject and there is a process of code evaluation every time he sees you or every time he thinks of you if he doesn’t see you there’s a clash because he’s reminded that there is a corrupted decadent bad imperfect sick introject in his mind your introject you remember he had devalued he has devalued your introject in order to be able to discard you he first devalued you in reality and then he devalued the introject and then he was ready to discard but having discarded you he was left with introject and there is a process of code evaluation
40. 27:24 you remember co-idealization if i have a good perfect introject in my mind then i’m good and perfect but what if i have a bad worthless worthless imperfect evil introject in my mind then i’m the same even imperfect etc this is code evaluation it’s utterly intolerable so what the narcissist tries to do when he discards you he he tries to hand over the introject to you because now the introduction is defaced is mutilated is a reminder constant reminder of bad things imperfect things evil things dangerous things does you remember co-idealization if i have a good perfect introject in my mind then i’m good and perfect but what if i have a bad worthless worthless imperfect evil introject in my mind then i’m the same even imperfect etc this is code evaluation it’s utterly intolerable so what the narcissist tries to do when he discards you he he tries to hand over the introject to you because now the introduction is defaced is mutilated is a reminder constant reminder of bad things imperfect things evil things dangerous things does
41. 28:12 doesn’t want this inside his mind he wants to get rid of it he wants to hand it over to you and he wants to convince you he tries to coerce you and convince you to agree with his devaluation of you he wants you to say to him yes i’m all bad yes i’m imperfect yes i provoked you yes i made mistakes all the time yes i ruined everything yes it’s my fault etc etc when you do this he can hand he can hand the devalued introject to you so that you can own the devalued introduction it’s like it gets rid of you externally doesn’t want this inside his mind he wants to get rid of it he wants to hand it over to you and he wants to convince you he tries to coerce you and convince you to agree with his devaluation of you he wants you to say to him yes i’m all bad yes i’m imperfect yes i provoked you yes i made mistakes all the time yes i ruined everything yes it’s my fault etc etc when you do this he can hand he can hand the devalued introject to you so that you can own the devalued introduction it’s like it gets rid of you externally
42. 28:53 and internally only if you agree with his assessment of you is a bad and worthy object but of course very few people do so the narcissist remains stuck with the introject that is now a source of extreme dissonance and discomfort because it devalues the analysis from inside if i own as a narcissist if a narcissist owns an internal object which is less than perfect which is dysfunctional which is malevolent then the narcissist is this internal object after all it’s an internal object it’s part of who the and internally only if you agree with his assessment of you is a bad and worthy object but of course very few people do so the narcissist remains stuck with the introject that is now a source of extreme dissonance and discomfort because it devalues the analysis from inside if i own as a narcissist if a narcissist owns an internal object which is less than perfect which is dysfunctional which is malevolent then the narcissist is this internal object after all it’s an internal object it’s part of who the
43. 29:39 narcissist is when the narcissist fails to hand over the introduction to you this has serious psychological consequences it’s kind of internal modification but sometimes even when the partner accepts her newfound role as the evil deformed malevolent stupid mentally ill person even when the partner concurs with the devaluation even then the narcissist fails to hand over the introduction the narcissist always fails to hand over the devalued introject to the discarded partner always there’s no exception either narcissist is when the narcissist fails to hand over the introduction to you this has serious psychological consequences it’s kind of internal modification but sometimes even when the partner accepts her newfound role as the evil deformed malevolent stupid mentally ill person even when the partner concurs with the devaluation even then the narcissist fails to hand over the introduction the narcissist always fails to hand over the devalued introject to the discarded partner always there’s no exception either
44. 30:30 because the partner would not comply and would not collude in in devaluing herself or because of what is called introject constancy the narcissist has no relationships with real people he has no relationships with objects out there so he has no object constancy because it doesn’t interact and relate to objects instead he interacts and relates with internal objects not objects out there objects in here these objects are called introjects so he has introject constancy he derives a sense of safety and comfort because the partner would not comply and would not collude in in devaluing herself or because of what is called introject constancy the narcissist has no relationships with real people he has no relationships with objects out there so he has no object constancy because it doesn’t interact and relate to objects instead he interacts and relates with internal objects not objects out there objects in here these objects are called introjects so he has introject constancy he derives a sense of safety and comfort
45. 31:17 and he’s able to function because he has very good relationships with objects inside his mind introduced constancy so when he tries to get rid of one of these objects when he tries to hand over and introject to someone he experiences severe abundant anxiety it’s like his real relationship is with the introject he is emotionally invested he’s confected in the introduction not in you so when he discards you and he wants to hand over the introject to to put his hand inside his brain to and he’s able to function because he has very good relationships with objects inside his mind introduced constancy so when he tries to get rid of one of these objects when he tries to hand over and introject to someone he experiences severe abundant anxiety it’s like his real relationship is with the introject he is emotionally invested he’s confected in the introduction not in you so when he discards you and he wants to hand over the introject to to put his hand inside his brain to
46. 31:55 pluck the introject and give it to you this creates an enormous anxiety because it’s like being abandoned by the introject or and so he can’t cope with this the process of getting rid of your devalued introject in his mind never works for the reasons that i’ve just mentioned either you don’t collaborate with your new devalued image or the narcissist experience overwhelming overwhelming abundant anxiety when he tries to hand over the introject to you because he is bonded with the introject pluck the introject and give it to you this creates an enormous anxiety because it’s like being abandoned by the introject or and so he can’t cope with this the process of getting rid of your devalued introject in his mind never works for the reasons that i’ve just mentioned either you don’t collaborate with your new devalued image or the narcissist experience overwhelming overwhelming abundant anxiety when he tries to hand over the introject to you because he is bonded with the introject
47. 32:34 he’s attached to to introduce you could say that he loves in his own way they introduce how can you hand over someone you love so he fails he fails the devalued the split the all bad introject remains stuck in his mind as an internal object and he can’t get rid of it and this creates enormous anxiety the clinical term for this is bad object internalization interjection that’s what happens to him he in his desperate attempt to separate from you as a maternal figure he needed to discard you he’s attached to to introduce you could say that he loves in his own way they introduce how can you hand over someone you love so he fails he fails the devalued the split the all bad introject remains stuck in his mind as an internal object and he can’t get rid of it and this creates enormous anxiety the clinical term for this is bad object internalization interjection that’s what happens to him he in his desperate attempt to separate from you as a maternal figure he needed to discard you
48. 33:15 mentally then devalue you externally then discard you externally then devalue your interject and then get rid of the interject and this is where he fails all the other phases are successful but he fails in getting rid of the introject and it remains like an ulcer like a wound inside his mind tormenting and torturing him by reminding him that there is a part of him this introduced which is not perfect which is not godlike a part of him which is a failure part of him which is bad and unworthy and perhaps evil mentally then devalue you externally then discard you externally then devalue your interject and then get rid of the interject and this is where he fails all the other phases are successful but he fails in getting rid of the introject and it remains like an ulcer like a wound inside his mind tormenting and torturing him by reminding him that there is a part of him this introduced which is not perfect which is not godlike a part of him which is a failure part of him which is bad and unworthy and perhaps evil
49. 33:54 he is tormented by the fact that one of his internal objects is a cause and an engine of narcissistic injury cost of narcissistic injury it’s like having a child who is disabled or intellectually challenged narcissists can’t cope with this because it’s a constant reminder of failure and of the fact that they are not god-like and not perfect so there’s this interject inside his mind the introduction which has been devalued keeps telling the narcissist you see there’s a part of you that is devalued a he is tormented by the fact that one of his internal objects is a cause and an engine of narcissistic injury cost of narcissistic injury it’s like having a child who is disabled or intellectually challenged narcissists can’t cope with this because it’s a constant reminder of failure and of the fact that they are not god-like and not perfect so there’s this interject inside his mind the introduction which has been devalued keeps telling the narcissist you see there’s a part of you that is devalued a
50. 34:31 part of you that is not god-like and not perfect this creates anxiety what to do about it hovering the only way to reintegrate this corrupted and devalued internal object with an external object the only way to reduce anxiety is by re-idealizing you as an external object and then the narcissist can re-idealize the internal object so when the narcissist gets raised of you there’s a discard he gets stuck with your representation in his mind he has devalued you and he has devalued this representation part of you that is not god-like and not perfect this creates anxiety what to do about it hovering the only way to reintegrate this corrupted and devalued internal object with an external object the only way to reduce anxiety is by re-idealizing you as an external object and then the narcissist can re-idealize the internal object so when the narcissist gets raised of you there’s a discard he gets stuck with your representation in his mind he has devalued you and he has devalued this representation
51. 35:15 he has devalued your introject your avatar in his mind but this causes him a lot of discomfort and anxiety because it means that he is less than perfect by virtue of owning such an object by virtue of being this object being a part of him so he needs to re-idealize you and this allows him to re-idealize the internal internal object and remove the source of anxiety ameliorate mitigate anxiety now that the internal object is re-idealized the discomfort is gone there’s no discrepancy between his he has devalued your introject your avatar in his mind but this causes him a lot of discomfort and anxiety because it means that he is less than perfect by virtue of owning such an object by virtue of being this object being a part of him so he needs to re-idealize you and this allows him to re-idealize the internal internal object and remove the source of anxiety ameliorate mitigate anxiety now that the internal object is re-idealized the discomfort is gone there’s no discrepancy between his
52. 35:53 inflated grandiose self-images perfect and god-like and the reality of his internal space now everyone every single internal object in his mind is perfect because every single object in his mind is perfect he is perfect but he can’t accomplish this unless you are perfect too so he needs to reverse the process of devaluation process that has failed the process of the evaluation has failed because he couldn’t get rid of the devalued introject so he needs to reverse this and re-idealize you inflated grandiose self-images perfect and god-like and the reality of his internal space now everyone every single internal object in his mind is perfect because every single object in his mind is perfect he is perfect but he can’t accomplish this unless you are perfect too so he needs to reverse the process of devaluation process that has failed the process of the evaluation has failed because he couldn’t get rid of the devalued introject so he needs to reverse this and re-idealize you
53. 36:34 but then if he re-idealizes you he hasn’t separated from you the separation has failed and this is exactly what happens the narcissist never succeeds to separate from you and even if you never see him again he’s going to reenact replay the same dynamic with his new intimate partner and his next intimate partner and internet partner number 40. this is called repetition compulsion the narcissist wish to separate conflicts he irredeemably and irretractably and conflicts in a way that cannot be but then if he re-idealizes you he hasn’t separated from you the separation has failed and this is exactly what happens the narcissist never succeeds to separate from you and even if you never see him again he’s going to reenact replay the same dynamic with his new intimate partner and his next intimate partner and internet partner number 40. this is called repetition compulsion the narcissist wish to separate conflicts he irredeemably and irretractably and conflicts in a way that cannot be
54. 37:14 resolved with his grandiosity in order to separate from the maternal figure which is you the maternal the mother that is his intimate partner he needs to devalue her but if it evaluates her it evaluates himself via the introject via the devalued injury co-idealization code evaluation and so this conflicts with his grandiosity he cannot separate from you because this constitutes narcissistic injury separating from you leaves him stuck with a part of him a representation of you which is corrupt which is resolved with his grandiosity in order to separate from the maternal figure which is you the maternal the mother that is his intimate partner he needs to devalue her but if it evaluates her it evaluates himself via the introject via the devalued injury co-idealization code evaluation and so this conflicts with his grandiosity he cannot separate from you because this constitutes narcissistic injury separating from you leaves him stuck with a part of him a representation of you which is corrupt which is
55. 37:58 dysfunctional which is less than perfect so he has to choose he can devalue you and discard you by devaluing your internal your intelligence in his mind but that would leave him less than god like less than perfect because then he would have an introject which is less than godlike and less than perfect in his mind is part of him so he has to give get he has to give up on his grandiosity if he wants to separate and if he insists on maintaining his grandiosity he needs everything and everyone around him to be ideal dysfunctional which is less than perfect so he has to choose he can devalue you and discard you by devaluing your internal your intelligence in his mind but that would leave him less than god like less than perfect because then he would have an introject which is less than godlike and less than perfect in his mind is part of him so he has to give get he has to give up on his grandiosity if he wants to separate and if he insists on maintaining his grandiosity he needs everything and everyone around him to be ideal
56. 38:38 including you [Music] devaluation is a departure from narcissism it’s the narcissist attempt to become normal to grow up to become an adult narcissist the narcissist much prefers to idealize you because by idealizing you he’s idealizing himself he is forced to devalue you he doesn’t want to do it but he’s forced to devalue because he desperately desperately is attempting to become to separate to individuate to self-actualize the only way for him to do that is to get rid of his grandiosity including you [Music] devaluation is a departure from narcissism it’s the narcissist attempt to become normal to grow up to become an adult narcissist the narcissist much prefers to idealize you because by idealizing you he’s idealizing himself he is forced to devalue you he doesn’t want to do it but he’s forced to devalue because he desperately desperately is attempting to become to separate to individuate to self-actualize the only way for him to do that is to get rid of his grandiosity
57. 39:20 to get rid of his narcissism to separate from the source of all this pathology his mother and now you as stand in for his mother as a substitute for his mother ironically devaluation is perhaps a healthy act an act of mental health of the narcissist because he’s devaluing a figure which has a figure which is damaging is devaluing his mother who was really a monster in many ways so it’s a healthy thing to do but then then he clashes with his grandiosity clashes with his pathology and his pathology is much stronger to get rid of his narcissism to separate from the source of all this pathology his mother and now you as stand in for his mother as a substitute for his mother ironically devaluation is perhaps a healthy act an act of mental health of the narcissist because he’s devaluing a figure which has a figure which is damaging is devaluing his mother who was really a monster in many ways so it’s a healthy thing to do but then then he clashes with his grandiosity clashes with his pathology and his pathology is much stronger
58. 40:03 than any feeble attempts at mental health and he takes over and he’s forced to re-idealize everyone and everything around him and inside him you include it tries to over you and if he doesn’t over you he goes on to the next intimate partner and he does exactly the same the only exception to all this is mortification narcissistic modification all this is impossible if the narcissist has been mortified the minute the narcissist is modified he departs from his previous version because his false self is destroyed in than any feeble attempts at mental health and he takes over and he’s forced to re-idealize everyone and everything around him and inside him you include it tries to over you and if he doesn’t over you he goes on to the next intimate partner and he does exactly the same the only exception to all this is mortification narcissistic modification all this is impossible if the narcissist has been mortified the minute the narcissist is modified he departs from his previous version because his false self is destroyed in
59. 40:43 the process of modification disabled and deactivated at the very least usually destroyed his defenses crumble it goes through extreme life-threatening decompensation so it’s like he had died he had died and now he he is re he reinvents himself is reincarnated he is reborn and this allows him to self-idealize so initially after multiplication the narcissist feels dead and by the way has suicidal ideation and so on so he goes through a period of reconstruction but he reconstructs himself as someone the process of modification disabled and deactivated at the very least usually destroyed his defenses crumble it goes through extreme life-threatening decompensation so it’s like he had died he had died and now he he is re he reinvents himself is reincarnated he is reborn and this allows him to self-idealize so initially after multiplication the narcissist feels dead and by the way has suicidal ideation and so on so he goes through a period of reconstruction but he reconstructs himself as someone
60. 41:26 else he in fact he creates a new false self and so all the previous memories are erased and there’s no need to idealize or re-idealize you because your gun your gun with his entire history entire identity entire memory is a new person and so after multiplication there’s never hovering modification leads to self-supply and self-idealization there’s a restoration of minimum grandiosity and analysis re-embarks on the path of pathological classical narcissists okay i hope i made it much more clear else he in fact he creates a new false self and so all the previous memories are erased and there’s no need to idealize or re-idealize you because your gun your gun with his entire history entire identity entire memory is a new person and so after multiplication there’s never hovering modification leads to self-supply and self-idealization there’s a restoration of minimum grandiosity and analysis re-embarks on the path of pathological classical narcissists okay i hope i made it much more clear
61. 42:10 i’m going to recap everything very very fast um shirt fantasy is the space within which narcissists interact with intimate partners it starts with co-idealization the narcissist idealizes you and by doing so is idealizing himself it also allows him to get you addicted to him because you see your idealized image through his gaze and that is very addictive the next stage is dual mothership the narcissist becomes your mother gives you unconditional love and acceptance and idealizes you and you become his i’m going to recap everything very very fast um shirt fantasy is the space within which narcissists interact with intimate partners it starts with co-idealization the narcissist idealizes you and by doing so is idealizing himself it also allows him to get you addicted to him because you see your idealized image through his gaze and that is very addictive the next stage is dual mothership the narcissist becomes your mother gives you unconditional love and acceptance and idealizes you and you become his
62. 42:51 mother but you become his mother in ho in order to help to allow him to separate from you he has unfinished business with his mother of origin and he wants you to play a role so that he can finish the business with you this time he needs to separate from you but the very need to separate from you causes narcissistic injury because it means that he misjudged you it means that he is not all-knowing as go as a god should be so what he does he devalues you the external object by devaluing you he restores his grandiosity he erases the mother but you become his mother in ho in order to help to allow him to separate from you he has unfinished business with his mother of origin and he wants you to play a role so that he can finish the business with you this time he needs to separate from you but the very need to separate from you causes narcissistic injury because it means that he misjudged you it means that he is not all-knowing as go as a god should be so what he does he devalues you the external object by devaluing you he restores his grandiosity he erases the
63. 43:28 narcissistic injury and he reduces his abundant anxiety at that point his police he has devalued you but there is an introject of you a representation of you in his mind which is still idealized so what he does he splits you he makes the introject your inner representation in his mind he makes it all bad and so he becomes all good and now he is ready to discard you in real life he has you as a devalued object he has your introject as a devalued object is ready to get rid of you but he wants to get narcissistic injury and he reduces his abundant anxiety at that point his police he has devalued you but there is an introject of you a representation of you in his mind which is still idealized so what he does he splits you he makes the introject your inner representation in his mind he makes it all bad and so he becomes all good and now he is ready to discard you in real life he has you as a devalued object he has your introject as a devalued object is ready to get rid of you but he wants to get
64. 44:09 rid of your introject also it’s trying to hand it over to you he wants you to own this devalued corrupted internal representation of you your introject and he wants you to acknowledge that you’re bad that you’re imperfect that you destroyed everything that you are to blame the two should be guilty and ashamed etcetera if you don’t collude in this game he has a problem because he’s stuck with your introject that is has now been devalued this creates um a process known as code evaluation which rid of your introject also it’s trying to hand it over to you he wants you to own this devalued corrupted internal representation of you your introject and he wants you to acknowledge that you’re bad that you’re imperfect that you destroyed everything that you are to blame the two should be guilty and ashamed etcetera if you don’t collude in this game he has a problem because he’s stuck with your introject that is has now been devalued this creates um a process known as code evaluation which
65. 44:44 is the opposite of co-idealization when the internal object is all good and idealized the narcissist is all good and idealized when your internal object in his mind is corrupted and all dead and unworthy the narcissist is corrupted and orbit and unworthy it’s called evaluation but he cannot get rid of this introject in any other way if you refuse to own it and collaborate he cannot get rid of it in any other way because he has introduced constancy he is emotionally invested in introjects not is the opposite of co-idealization when the internal object is all good and idealized the narcissist is all good and idealized when your internal object in his mind is corrupted and all dead and unworthy the narcissist is corrupted and orbit and unworthy it’s called evaluation but he cannot get rid of this introject in any other way if you refuse to own it and collaborate he cannot get rid of it in any other way because he has introduced constancy he is emotionally invested in introjects not
66. 45:15 in people so he’s invested in your introject is invested in your avatar emotionally and he when he tries to get rid of it unilaterally without your collaboration he feels he feels anxiety because this generates introject inconstancy so he is stuck with a devalued split or bad introject as an internal object and this creates enormous anxiety to resolve this anxiety the narcissist approaches you hovering and tries to re-idealize having re-idealized you he can then re-idealize the internal object and in people so he’s invested in your introject is invested in your avatar emotionally and he when he tries to get rid of it unilaterally without your collaboration he feels he feels anxiety because this generates introject inconstancy so he is stuck with a devalued split or bad introject as an internal object and this creates enormous anxiety to resolve this anxiety the narcissist approaches you hovering and tries to re-idealize having re-idealized you he can then re-idealize the internal object and
67. 45:57 remove the source of anxiety the only exception to all this is mortification thank you for listening and i hope i’ve been clearer this time i try to put all my balls in one basket take your mind off the gutter and i hope i’ve succeeded remove the source of anxiety the only exception to all this is mortification thank you for listening and i hope i’ve been clearer this time i try to put all my balls in one basket take your mind off the gutter and i hope i’ve succeeded