Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. Deja-vu: Fight Gaslighter’s Secret Techniques, Messing with YOUR Mind

1. 00:01 foreign some of you may have noticed that my
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6. 00:44 out of my hands I apologize to all of you for this new fangled experience on my
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8. 00:57 but now there’s been a change in the terms of service of Google and now they can do whatever they want with my videos without any need for my permission and without sharing the income with me
9. 01:11 so from YouTube to gaslighting a very similar topic if you if you ask me
10. 01:19 today we’re going to discuss go deep into the topic of gaslighting we’re going to expose
11. 01:26 a series of techniques either to unmentioned anywhere on the internet and
12. 01:32 largely even in scholarly literature it starts with a an article published in
13. 01:39 the Washington Post the article is titled gaslighting how to recognize gas lighting and respond to it it was authored by Angela Haupt and it says something that I’ve been saying over the past 10 years it says
14. 01:55 gaslighting made the leap from psychological lingo to trendy buzzword with the 2016 presidential campaign
15. 02:03 more recently it has morphed into what ackermann calls a catch-all phrase of a
16. 02:10 newest incorrectly by people referring to simple disagreements over issues or
17. 02:16 interactions that don’t don’t meet gas lightings historical definition
18. 02:22 some mental health experts continues the article are concerned that overusing the term could obscure the abusive nature of gas liking and reduce its power to help
19. 02:33 victims recognize ongoing manipulation for them for these mental health
20. 02:39 practitioners and myself included it’s important that gaslighting retain its
21. 02:45 original meaning the experience of having your reality repeatedly challenged by someone who
22. 02:52 holds more power than you do we’re going to expound expound on this
23. 02:58 later in the video and I’m going to finish the video with a series of techniques you can use to fight back
24. 03:05 gaslighting gas lighting is is exactly like extending a hand and reaching into
25. 03:12 your mind and then scrambling it it’s as bad as this and it uses a series of techniques
26. 03:20 some of them would be familiar to you but you probably had never Associated these techniques with gaslighting we
27. 03:28 start with deja vu Deja Vu is when the strange looks or
28. 03:35 sounds familiar when the unprecedented or when something that hadn’t happened yet something that you’re experiencing
29. 03:46 is perceived as a past experience so when a present experience is perceived as a past experience now we can do it we can do it with words for example I keep using the word shoshanim or a very old German word which I’ve
30. 04:04 just invented which means to destroy devastate gesh
31. 04:10 the more often I use these words these are at least is an nonsensical
32. 04:17 word but the more often I use these words the more familiar they become it’s when the strange begins to look familiar Deja Vu is a French word it expresses
33. 04:29 the feeling that one has lived through a present situation before some people of course immediately interpret Deja Vu as a kind of paranormal or Supernatural experience
34. 04:42 precognition or a prophecy but in reality it’s an anomaly or memory
35. 04:49 there’s a strong sense of having been here of a recollection time to place the smells the tastes the ambience The Sounds everything the
36. 05:01 Practical context of the previous experience seems to apply to the current experience
37. 05:08 but this is because of uncertainty because of the impossibility of it all
38. 05:16 I will come to it in a minute and I will explain how Deja Vu is applied in gaslighting by abusers now gaslighting is much more typical of psychopaths than narcissists narcissists believe their own lies they confabulate
39. 05:32 and so they adopt and appropriate their lives and then they defend their lives
40. 05:38 vehemently if you challenge them psychopaths are goal oriented they know exactly what they’re doing and the aim of gaslighting is to unsettle you to destabilize you and to allow the
41. 05:50 psychopath to introduce into your mind anything he wishes again shortly we will
42. 05:56 discuss how this is done there are two types of deja vu the pathological one which is frequently
43. 06:03 associated with epilepsy and it is usually prolonged or frequent
44. 06:10 it has there’s other symptoms involved there are other symptoms like hallucinations it’s an indicator of a
45. 06:16 neurological or a psychiatric illness that’s not the kind of deja vu I’m talking about I’m talking about is non-pathological it
46. 06:27 happens to healthy people actually two-thirds of the population have had a
47. 06:33 Deja Vu experience one or more now we know that Deja Vu happens when there is dislocation when there is disorientation
48. 06:45 and therefore there’s a close Affinity between Deja Vu and dissociation for
49. 06:51 example people who travel often or travel frequently have more Deja Vu experiences than the
50. 06:59 normal population people who watch movies movie Buffs aficionados addicted to
51. 07:06 movies they are much more likely to experience Deja Vu than other people so Detachment dissociation are critical and this is what the abuser does to you
52. 07:17 what he does to you he detaches you from your own experiences from your own
53. 07:23 reality and this renders his reality familiar to you because you can’t really compare his reality to your reality you tend to lie
54. 07:36 to yourself to deceive yourself into believing that his reality is normal has
55. 07:42 always been there is is familiar that’s a very important point that you
56. 07:48 need you need to understand what gaslighting involves is not only
57. 07:54 a divorce between you and your reality testing it involves a substitution effect
58. 08:02 the abuser provides you with an alternative to your own experience to
59. 08:08 your own world to your own reality to your own universe and because you had been detached from
60. 08:15 your roots so to speak because the abuser obliterates your own memory challenges your own identity if his reality becomes like a life raft
61. 08:28 you cling on to his reality because you have no alternative the first stage in gaslighting is
62. 08:35 destroying Who You Are destroying your trust in yourself destroying your perception of reality
63. 08:42 and your reality testing destroying your self-efficacy your ability to operate in the environment in order to extract positive outcomes
64. 08:53 you begin to disbelieve yourself you begin to distance yourself from
65. 09:00 yourself a process known as estrangement and then the abuser comes into this
66. 09:06 picture anomalous anomalous picture of derealization depersonalization and
67. 09:13 Amnesia that he had induced in you he had induced these dissociative States
68. 09:20 in you so then he comes and says well I have a solution for you I have a solution for you you’re very Amnesia you de-personalized do you realize I have a solution here let me give you my reality
69. 09:33 my world my universe my perceptions my experiences my interpretation of what’s
70. 09:40 Happening and because you don’t have your own alternative anymore you cling to his
71. 09:49 people who tend to experience deja vu are often fragile and vulnerable they
72. 09:57 are depressed they’re anxious they’re stressed they’re under high pressure research clearly shows that the
73. 10:04 experience of deja vu is associated with other mental health conditions
74. 10:10 however transient it also decreases with age we are less
75. 10:16 amenable to such manipulation as we grow older because the weight of the
76. 10:22 cumulative the weight of cumulative experience is too great too big for a single abuser to undermine
77. 10:29 abuse via gaslighting therefore leverages
78. 10:35 takes advantage of our vulnerability our fragility our brittleness
79. 10:43 our anxiety and our depression in order to supplant
80. 10:49 our existence in one reality with another it is a form of metaverse
81. 10:57 it is a virtual reality gaslighting is about creating a virtual reality and
82. 11:03 then convincing you that it’s the only reality in existence and one of the main tools the abuser uses however
83. 11:12 unknowingly to accomplish his goal is in training I’ve mentioned in training in
84. 11:19 several videos and in my dialogues with Richard Brennan in training is
85. 11:25 a process of coordinating brain waves now usually in training clones brain
86. 11:34 waves via music when people play the same music or listen to the same music
87. 11:40 there’s a total synchronization of their relevant brain waves and this is in
88. 11:46 training but I suggested and I still do that in training can be
89. 11:52 accomplished with other sounds not only music for example verbal abuse
90. 11:58 if verbal of you abuse has a refrain if it has a rhythm
91. 12:04 if it is a kind of embedded Harmony then one can conceive of verbal abuse as a
92. 12:10 form of music and this leads to a phenomenon known as semantic satiation
93. 12:17 semantic Association semantic Association is a psychological phenomenon where repetition
94. 12:24 causes word or phrase to lose meaning for the listener if you repeat the same
95. 12:31 word thousands of times ultimately you will discover to your shock and consternation that the word the word
96. 12:39 means nothing to you we perceive repeated speech as meaningless sounds
97. 12:45 and this is exactly the power of entraining because verbal abuse repeated
98. 12:51 adnosium repeated constantly becomes sound it becomes music which essentially
99. 13:00 is meaningless and therefore therefore it penetrates your linguistic defenses
100. 13:07 it goes deep into your reptile brain down to the brain stem music
101. 13:14 stimulates very ancient areas of the brain in addition to the neocortex and
102. 13:20 the prefrontal cortex but very ancient parts of the brain that’s the power of music that’s why we react to music so
103. 13:27 profoundly and emotionally and the repetition of the verbal abuse renders it meaningless so our linguistic centers disengage and instead we perceive these words as a form of one wall of sound is a kind of
104. 13:45 music extended inspection extended analysis for example
105. 13:53 staring at a word looking at a phrase for a very long period of time has the
106. 13:59 same effect like repetition it’s exactly the same effect semantic Association when we are exposed to written or verbal abuse repeatedly
107. 14:12 it loses its meaning and it becomes music and it entrains our brain it
108. 14:18 coordinates our brain waves the brainwaves of our abuser in the cortex verbal repetition arouses
109. 14:27 a specific neural pattern that corresponds to the meaning of the word rapid repetition
110. 14:34 makes both the peripheral sensory motor activity and the central neural
111. 14:40 activation fire repeatedly and this causes what what we this causes what we
112. 14:46 know is reactive inhibition this is a reduction in the intensity and
113. 14:52 sensitivity of the activity with each repetition habituation is like
114. 14:58 if you put pressure on your arm at first you feel the pressure but after a while
115. 15:04 you get used to it and it will no longer registers James jacobowitz called it in 1962 experimental neurosematics
116. 15:16 and it is there are numerous studies that have substantiated every single word I’ve just said I’m referring you to
117. 15:22 jacoba visits an early study but also a pilate and troubles and Duff in 1997 and
118. 15:32 coinos in 2000 and and numerous others so this is a well substantiated
119. 15:39 phenomenon and so on so by in training semantically satiating you
120. 15:47 the abuser creates a coordination a synchronicity between
121. 15:54 his brain waves and yours which grants him Total Access to your mind and allows
122. 16:00 him to obliterate your previous identity memories experiences perceptions and to
123. 16:07 Sublime to substitute them with his own a good description of gaslighting
124. 16:14 and in this process the abuser acquires Authority
125. 16:20 there’s a power of symmetry because of intermittent reinforcement and Trauma bonding the abuser is on top
126. 16:29 so there is a power gradient we’re going to discuss it later when we come to
127. 16:35 Classic theories of gaslighting so the first mechanism is deja vu the second
128. 16:42 mechanism used in gaslighting is exactly the opposite never saw The Familiar is made to look or to sound
129. 16:53 strange again it’s a cycle it’s a French phrase I don’t know why the French
130. 17:00 why French why they caught on to all these techno techniques and mechanisms
131. 17:07 but it’s a fact it means never seen it’s experiencing a situation that one
132. 17:13 recognizes in some fashion but that nonetheless seems novel
133. 17:19 unsettling unfamiliar anxiety-inducing it is the opposite of deja vu shameview
134. 17:28 involves a sense of eeriness creepiness there’s an impression of experiencing something for the first time despite knowing rationally that you had experienced it before
135. 17:40 several times also is associated with Aphasia Amnesia
136. 17:46 epilepsy so it’s a dissociative State exactly like deja vu and like this
137. 17:52 review the abuser induces in you it is precisely the abuser’s ability
138. 18:00 to produce conflicting states of Mind conflicting dissociations that gives him
139. 18:07 his immense power over you shameview is commonly experienced when a
140. 18:13 person momentarily does not recognize a word a sound a sight a place a time
141. 18:20 that they know that they know they just don’t feel that they know so
142. 18:26 there’s a divorce between cognition and perception of emotion perception of
143. 18:32 sensor on the one hand you know that you’ve been here before you know you’ve done that before you know you’ve
144. 18:38 experienced it before but you don’t feel that you had so
145. 18:44 this creates a divorce between you and reality and it is this daylight between
146. 18:51 your perception of yourself and your perception of reality this crack this Abyss that allows the abuser to get through and enter your mind
147. 19:02 anyone repeatedly writing or saying a specific word out loud
148. 19:08 um has has this notion it it begins to feel like no way is this a real world no way
149. 19:16 I’ve heard it before this is an example of Jamil
150. 19:22 um is
151. 19:28 associated with a Delirious disorder intoxication substance abuse
152. 19:35 um delusions such as the Capgras delusion and so on so forth so it has its place
153. 19:41 in the pantheon of pathologies of the human mind it also
154. 19:48 induces The Imposter syndrome you begin to feel so unreal
155. 19:54 that you begin to experience yourself as an actor as an imposter in other words the abuser
156. 20:03 had exported to you his own self-perception most abusers
157. 20:10 most abusers [Music] are dissociative many of them are
158. 20:16 narcissistic and they perceive themselves as Spectators as observers of a movie they
159. 20:23 perceive their lives as a kind of film or flick that they’re watching or observing with some mild interest
160. 20:30 They Don’t Really inhabit abusers don’t really inhabit their lives
161. 20:36 they’re they’re from the outside their lives are like theater Productions they’re like directors or actors
162. 20:43 so by inducing in your combination of this review and jamevue
163. 20:49 they make you feel the same this is the initial phase of
164. 20:55 narcissistic contagion when the narcissist infects you with a virus of narcissism and you’re beginning to see the world through his eyes you’re beginning to perceive yourself as unreal
165. 21:07 as he perceives himself you can you’re beginning to adopt is cognitive
166. 21:13 distortions the beginning for example to adulate him because you had accepted his grandiosity
167. 21:19 as a realistic assessment of the world it’s very similar to depersonalization the very reality of reality is doubted
168. 21:31 derealization abusers also use in order to Gaslight
169. 21:41 means I had already lived it’s an intense but false wrong feeling of having
170. 21:49 already lived through the present situation it’s a form of deja vu but
171. 21:55 much more intense it’s very Akin psychologically to a true flashback
172. 22:01 there’s no such thing as emotional flesh it is nonsensical hype but there is such thing as flashback or revividness flashback or revividness are the outcomes of post-traumatic Hallmarks of post-traumatic stress disorder PTSD and
173. 22:18 so dejavikyu is a mild mild faint form of flashback because for a minute there
174. 22:27 you lose the distinction between reality and delusion for a minute there you’re
175. 22:33 really into the alternative reality prefer to you and imposed On You by the
176. 22:39 abuser unlike Deja Vu de Java Q has behavioral consequences because people
177. 22:46 act in the environment as if it were some other reality than what it is
178. 22:52 it compels you to abandon reality and to enter a
179. 22:59 virtual reality a second life a metaverse there’s an intense feeling of
180. 23:05 familiarity and so you prefer to withdraw from real life events or activities and inhabit this fantastic space known as paracosm
181. 23:19 and patients who have Deja de cue justify their feelings of familiarity with beliefs that are essentially delusional now the abuser induces in you
182. 23:31 dejavikyu by penalizing you if you refuse to adhere to his reality
183. 23:39 if you refuse to enter the reality space that he had created for both of you it’s a cult-like setting you’re like an account and if you oppose the cult leader which
184. 23:51 is the abuser or especially the narcissistic abuser then you’re penalized on the other hand
185. 23:57 in addition to the stick there’s a carrot if you do accept the abuse is
186. 24:03 reality and act accordingly if it has if your acceptance of his
187. 24:09 reality has behavioral manifestations which he can monitor and witness he rewards you he gives you a prize he Praises you he elevates you he renders
188. 24:22 you his favorite Etc so they’re very strong incentives with intermittent reinforcement involved
189. 24:29 they’re very strong incentives to let go of real reality and to adopt the fake
190. 24:37 reality which is the abusers reality thereby experiencing periods of
191. 24:44 dejavikyu and so these are the mechanisms that are used
192. 24:51 in Gaslight there’s another much less known mechanism
193. 24:57 which is what Foucault Michelle Foucault the famous social theorist and critic
194. 25:04 Michelle Foucault called it in Madness and civilization a history of
195. 25:10 insanity in the age of risen which is a book he had written and published in 1961.
196. 25:20 a large classic so in 1961 Michelle for co-examined the evolution
197. 25:27 of the meaning of Madness in culture law politics philosophy and
198. 25:33 Medicine especially in Europe from the Middle Ages until the end of the 18th century
199. 25:39 and for core being Foucault it’s a bit of a bit of a complex thing
200. 25:47 but I will read to you a segment um segment and excerpt from this book
201. 25:53 and remember we are discussing gas lighting and one of the mechanisms which are very very
202. 26:01 not known obscure stealth ambient under the radar um surreptitious
203. 26:12 very pernicious and nefarious mechanism used by the abuser is deja Allah
204. 26:18 and so Michelle Foucault described this way he said up until the end of the 15th century or perhaps slightly Beyond it the death thing the theme of death
205. 26:31 reigned Reigns Supreme the end of mankind in the end of time
206. 26:38 are seen in war and the plagues hanging over human existence is an order
207. 26:45 and an end that no man can escape menacing presence from within the world
208. 26:51 itself suddenly is the century the 15th century suddenly as the 15th century Drew to a close that great uncertainty spun on its axis and the derision of Madness took over from the seriousness of death
209. 27:10 from the knowledge of that fatal necessity that reduces men to dust we pass to a contemptuous contemplation
210. 27:17 of the nothingness that is life itself the fear before the absolute limit of
211. 27:24 Death Becomes interiorized in the continual process of ironization
212. 27:31 fear was disarmed in advance made deraizory by being tamed and rendered
213. 27:38 banal and constantly paraded in The Spectator of life
214. 27:44 suddenly it was there to be discerned in the mannerisms failings and vices of normal people
215. 27:50 death is a destruction of all things no longer had meaning when life was
216. 27:56 revealed to be a fatuous sequence of empty words the hollow jingle of a Justice cap and bells the death’s head showed itself to be a
217. 28:08 vessel already empty for madness was the being already there of death
218. 28:15 s conquered presence sketched out in these everyday signs
219. 28:21 showed not only that its Reign had already begun but also that its prize was a bigger one death unmasked the mask of life and nothing more so this is typical Foucault
220. 28:39 um this is a translation of halfein Murphy in 2000. it’s a typical Foucault
221. 28:45 I’ll try to translate Foucault into normal language what Foucault says is in the 15th century Western Civilization
222. 28:56 transitioned from having a preoccupation with death to having a preoccupation or an
223. 29:02 obsession with mental illness for courses it makes sense because to be
224. 29:08 crazy to be mad is similar to being dead mentally dead
225. 29:14 and so mad crazy people and dead people are no longer functional they’re no
226. 29:21 longer able no longer able to participate in reality one could say that they are no longer in society
227. 29:29 Foucault says that this cultural transition from the emphasis on death to the uh obsession with Madness happened when Western Society realized
228. 29:42 the similarity between craze being crazy and being dead and realize that Madness is just as bad as death it’s essentially a form of death before the physiological form it seems that this there is a notion of death before death and this is
229. 29:58 dejelan now how does this fit into gaslighting
230. 30:04 gas lighting involves a process of killing you mentally it involves the process of driving you crazy Madness the abuser introduces Madness
231. 30:15 into your system he chaotizes it crazy making it makes
232. 30:21 you doubt your own existence to all practical purposes you die and
233. 30:27 then he offers you the abuser offers you a resurrection he gives you the option to be reborn
234. 30:35 Second Life a second chance but the condition is that you accept his reality
235. 30:42 you will never die tells you the abuser as long as you’re with me as long as you
236. 30:48 occupy and cohabit with me in the same space as long as you become an internal
237. 30:55 object an extension of me without will without degrees of freedom without
238. 31:02 challenge or criticism and this is deja Allah okay
239. 31:08 back to Angela Hout of the Washington Post do you remember the article published in the Washington Post a few
240. 31:14 days ago here’s what she says about gaslighting guest lighting is a manipulative form of
241. 31:20 communication where a power differential exists said Angela corbel an associate
242. 31:26 professor and chair of communication studies at weidener University in Chase Chester Pennsylvania
243. 31:33 gaslighting guest lighting can occur in romantic relationships or friendships
244. 31:39 between parents and children when seeking medical care or at work
245. 31:45 I see it as one party distorting information and preying upon another’s
246. 31:52 vulnerability said corbel she likened it to a more sophisticated way of looking
247. 31:58 at bullying medical gaslighting by the way is very trendy right now it’s when a medical professional downplays a patient’s concerns tries to persuade the patient
248. 32:10 that their symptoms are imaginary or the result of mental instability back to the article
249. 32:16 gaslighting continues helped guest lighting is a devastating
250. 32:22 psychological tactic combining elements of manipulation control and exploitation
251. 32:28 of trust said Naomi Torres McKee psychologist at Lenox Hill Hospital in
252. 32:34 New York City and head of research with mental health coalition Taurus McKee continues those things
253. 32:43 those things manipulation control exploitation of trust those things are the building blocks of gaslighting
254. 32:50 gaslighting is also a pattern of behavior that occurs over a long duration and not on a one-off basis a
255. 32:58 gas lighter will repeatedly twist events to shift blame to someone else and this
256. 33:04 emotional abuse can result in victims questioning their sanity experts obviously previously believed
257. 33:11 that gaslighting was always intentional but they now think that it’s possible that some gaslighters are not aware of their manipulative Behavior which is something I’ve been saying for well over 15 years even when the narcissist is gaslights he
258. 33:28 is not aware that he is gaslighting his gas lighting is not intentional he fully
259. 33:34 believes in his alternative extended augmented virtual reality Psychopaths
260. 33:41 Gaslight intentionally the article continues over the long term being on the
261. 33:48 receiving end of gaslighting can lead to nord’s self-worth feelings of insecurity
262. 33:54 depression and anxiety it can also cause someone to be consumed with self-doubt said Torres McKee who
263. 34:01 has worked with many patients who have experienced gaslighting it can be difficult to trust people in
264. 34:07 the future or to connect with people she said plus you often feel very disconnected from yourself because of
265. 34:14 this experience of feeling out of touch with what’s real and what’s not
266. 34:20 the article lists a series of signs that you’re being gaslit
267. 34:26 and connects gaslighting to toxic relationships uh wish to control someone
268. 34:35 and losing grip over the partner so it’s a desperate attempt to regain to regain
269. 34:41 control over the body and the signs listed are invalidation of
270. 34:47 your emotions people who Gaslight often trivialize or invalidate their victims feelings
271. 34:54 very undermining comments a common Taurus Mickey said for example someone might say you’re just being dramatic or
272. 35:01 why do you care about this so much other common phrases include you’re too sensitive you’re crazy you’re imagining
273. 35:08 things and don’t get so worked up I can add to this long list like you’re paranoid
274. 35:15 and so um invalidation is an integral part of
275. 35:23 gaslighting um it is very disorienting
276. 35:29 and you begin to question how you feel question yourself question your reality
277. 35:35 because of this invalidation especially when the abuser is in a position of authority
278. 35:41 or when you admire the abuser which is the common cultural-like setting with narcissists another
279. 35:48 another Hallmark of gaslighting is the twisting of reality the article says people who Gaslight will flip things and
280. 35:55 twist them back on you Taurus Mickey said they will be adamant that you did or that you said things you know you did not Taurus Mickey describes the situation
281. 36:06 one partner calling the other stupid then that person says hey you called me stupid
282. 36:12 projection the person who initially made the derogatory comment might then say I
283. 36:18 didn’t call you stupid you called me stupid etc etc so these are lies intended to distort reality and control
284. 36:24 the situation but in the case of many narcissists they don’t realize it’s a lie owing to very powerful mechanisms of reaction for a defense mechanisms like reaction formation projection and splitting same with borderline very
285. 36:39 often they don’t realize that they’re projecting or splitting gaslighting involves
286. 36:46 coercion the gaslighter forces you to admit that you’re wrong and if you refuse to admit
287. 36:53 that you’re wrong you’re penalized you’re punished he forces you for example to apologize
288. 37:00 even if you are the one who feels betrayed gaslighters change the narrative
289. 37:07 they blame shift they victimize self-victimarts they make you feel bad and guilty and ashamed an ego dystonic and so you end up
290. 37:18 accepting the reality you end up apologizing
291. 37:24 they say to you you made me do it they treated their bed behavior on you somehow you’re the source and if you’re a people pleaser
292. 37:37 you take responsibility for things you didn’t do this is called autoplastic defenses the gaslighter is always assured confident
293. 37:49 strong explosive repetitive he entrains you
294. 37:55 he makes you feel Deja Vu and jabezvous in all these mechanisms foreign
295. 38:03 and so you are you are you’re in a state of disorientation and and you don’t know what to trust and who to trust anymore it’s much easier to Simply succumb to
296. 38:14 surrender to become submissive and to say you’re right you’re right I’ve been wrong and I’ve been wrong all along
297. 38:20 at least you’re mistrusting your perception you start doubting yourself constantly questioning what is real and
298. 38:27 uh where you overreacting did you misunderstand a certain situation the article quotes um Ackerman if you start to have
299. 38:38 disproportionate a disproportionate amount of doubt in yourself that was not previously there that’s a sign of gaslighting you may think maybe I’m crazy maybe I am
300. 38:49 paranoid maybe I am too sensitive whatever that person is calling you his voice is in your mind this is in
301. 38:56 training it’s taking over your mind he implants his own voice in your mind it’s
302. 39:03 an interject it’s an internal object it’s um and you can’t get rid of it
303. 39:10 in early childhood this is known as the Imago processing but in it it can can
304. 39:17 happen to you as an adult the the abuser regressing you regresses
305. 39:23 you to early childhood and then implants his voice in your mind and you tend to repeat like a parrot like a robot like someone without a will like a
306. 39:35 zombie you tend to repeat this voice in your mind if this voice says you’re paranoid you would say well maybe I’m
307. 39:41 paranoid if this voice says you’re too sensitive say well maybe I’m hyper Vigilant and hypersensitive you tend to
308. 39:47 blame yourself and you need to understand that you’re being Gaslight
309. 39:54 you need to identify the situation of gaslighting is there a power symmetry
310. 40:00 is there a question of trust do you did you give up on reality as you
311. 40:07 had known it are you beginning beginning to mimic your abuser
312. 40:13 resonate with him repeat his phrases ad nauseam did he take over you need to you need to
313. 40:20 recognize a takeover a hostile takeover it’s a form it’s a subtle form of
314. 40:26 interpersonal abuse because the abuser often doesn’t attack you personally the attacks he attacks reality he
315. 40:34 doesn’t tell you something is wrong with you because if something is wrong with your reality and so it’s kind of a by proxy abuse
316. 40:41 vicarious abuse and so it’s under the radar is very difficult to to spot into
317. 40:48 and to tackle but just knowing that you’re abused just labeling it gaslighting that’s very very important
318. 40:57 um and some therapists says you are giving yourself some clarity and removing the
319. 41:03 extra tax on your brain as it struggles to make sense of what’s Happening pay
320. 41:09 attention to how you feel Journal write a journal write it down every time you’re in doubt write it down document every event however however
321. 41:21 minute however inconsequential you’re brewing coffee take a photo just saying
322. 41:27 something record yourself document document document create hundreds of photographs a day
323. 41:35 in order to fight back ask yourself how do I feel when I’m around that person
324. 41:41 corbel suggests the following questions do I feel anxious do I fear that the
325. 41:47 person is going to contradict me do I find that I might be ready I might be
326. 41:53 really confident and outgoing when I’m not with him but when I’m with him I feel fuzzy do I think that something’s wrong can I identify what’s wrong right right times write dates write down places write document feelings make a
327. 42:11 detailed minutiae record of your life so that whenever you self-doubt you can
328. 42:18 go back to this record and remind yourself how things truly were how things stood
329. 42:25 how did you feel no one will be able to Gaslight you because this kind of record
330. 42:31 creates self-trust gradually you will not need these crutches I mean
331. 42:38 you will you will stop journaling and you will stop writing and documenting everything down once your
332. 42:44 self-confidence self-esteem and sense of self-worth had been stabilized regulated and restored assert yourself if he starts to Gaslight stop the
333. 42:56 conversation Taurus Mickey says assert your own reality as much as you can and as much
334. 43:02 as is safe you could say no you were the one who called me stupid don’t twist it don’t
335. 43:08 try to guess like me it sounds spec says another
336. 43:15 another psychologist Peck says it sounds like you’re having a really hard time hearing what I’m saying
337. 43:22 I know what I felt and it’s important for me to voice this this is what you should say to your abuser it doesn’t
338. 43:28 sound like you can take in this perspective I no longer want to engage in this conversation you’re gaslighting
339. 43:35 me if you’re ready to hear how I felt and to discuss it I’ll be open to do this at a later time walk away call someone you’re close to restore your
340. 43:46 reality testing tell a friend you know I know this thing happened and he’s trying to tell me that
341. 43:53 it’s not true I need to share this with you in order to ground myself Taurus McKee continues otherwise you only have that one person who is telling you this false reality and it’s easy to get swept into that reality and least support
342. 44:10 to use other people as external memory your identity crucially depends on input
343. 44:17 from other people and don’t hesitate to involve authorities or or structures
344. 44:23 within your environment for example if you’re being Gaslight at work involves
345. 44:29 the human resources department if you’re being Gaslight by a dangerous abuser involve the police don’t hesitate to
346. 44:36 involve not only a social network not only your friends and family remember
347. 44:42 sunlight disinfects abuse [Music] um in extreme cases you would need to walk away you would need even to resign your job
348. 44:53 but until then try to confront the gaslighter address
349. 45:01 the situation you Tori McKees Taurus McKee suggests saying hey you’re telling me something
350. 45:07 but my sense is this other thing is right or true how can we account for this difference try to reason with the
351. 45:15 gaslighter because many gaslighters I repeat don’t know what they’re doing um see if you can find colleagues who may be experiencing the same thing with the same person
352. 45:26 Taurus McKee continues this strength in numbers if someone is doing it to you it’s likely they might be doing it to
353. 45:33 more people and it can help you get support and finally of course talk to a professional
354. 45:39 if the gaslighting had been all pervasive and lasted for many many years this voice is embedded in your mind
355. 45:46 you need to separate individuate from your abuser it’s exactly like being a
356. 45:52 two-year-old exactly like going undergoing this traumatic process all over again without a safe pace so you need a safe base and your safe base could be your therapist
357. 46:04 recovering can take years you need to work with a therapist because you need to feel safe and you
358. 46:12 need to have external validating input input gaslighting is emotional abuse
359. 46:19 this person has taken over your life talking to a professional breaks this pattern and provides a counterweight to your gas lighter the therapist is a modeling agent if you model yourself after the therapist it provides
360. 46:36 you with a good enough parent as opposed to the bed or dead parent that your abuser is emulating use all these tools
361. 46:46 gaslighting is dangerous for your mental health it’s possibly the most dangerous technique that abusers use and that is
362. 46:53 saying a lot