Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. Take Your Life Back, Own It

1. 00:03 good morning or evening this is a how-to video if you follow the instructions to the letter you will win the lottery twice this year you will get the hottest girls or guys depending on your sexual orientation and the job of your dreams i’m beginning to sound like a bad
2. 00:24 combination of tony robbins and jordan peterson if i’m not seriously careful i may end up being exceedingly popular and will have no one left to hide okay nonsense aside today we are going to discuss how to take back your life how to own your life how to feel
3. 00:43 comfortable in your life and how to become identified with your life in other words how to develop a core identity this is a very down to earth video there’s very little academics highfaluting language which i adore and i will try to keep it as simple as possible
4. 01:03 my name is sandbagnin i’m the author of malignant self-love narcissism revisited and i’m by far the most handsome professor of psychology on earth well at least i’m a professor of psychology forget the handsome part okay let’s get to business first i would like to discuss
5. 01:23 relationships relationships are something quite important in life they define you in many ways some psychologists suggest that there is no such thing as the individual that it’s all relational the intersection between you and other people there are three types of relationships
6. 01:44 and the first thing you should do you should review your relationships not everyone has relationships even if you are not in an intimate relationship even if you’re not married or you’re not going steady so to speak you have numerous relationships with family with
7. 01:59 friends with neighbors with colleagues with bosses with the authorities etc etc and you should analyze these relationships you should distinguish between micro relationships real relationships and pseudo relationships i will use the romantic example example of intimate
8. 02:18 relationships but it applies to all the other realms and spheres of life in the intimate sphere micro relationships are casual or stranger sex and they include what we what we call today dating modern dates modern dates are actually glorified hookups in today’s world
9. 02:41 in today’s sad world micro relationships rarely lead anywhere and they usually end in bad sex some of them develop into meaningful relationships or longer term relationships but it’s a tiny minority you will do well to allocate your scarce resources in a way which will maximize
10. 03:03 your goals if your goal is physical gratification and nothing else besides then micro relationships are for you but you if you’re looking for a bit more and about 80 according to studies are looking for a bit more starting at age 18 so if you’re looking for a bit more
11. 03:22 avoid micro relationships they’re not helpful don’t believe the propaganda they’re not helpful they distract you they divert you from the important task of developing intimacy and relationship skills the task with accomplishment will serve you later
12. 03:43 you should focus therefore on real relationships now there are three tests to real relationships number one vulnerability the willingness to be vulnerable the willingness to accept inevitable hurt and pain most relationships regrettably cause hurt and pain hurt and pain is an
13. 04:04 integral part of interacting with other people be eating intimate relationships be it in other settings so the ability and willingness to embrace accept learn from and build upon pain and hurt in other words the willingness to be vulnerable and open
14. 04:27 they’re critical in real relationships the second test of a real relationship having dreams having goals planning not living in fantasy if you [Music] and your partner have common common aspirations common dreams common goals and you’re planning
15. 04:47 and you’re implementing practical steps on the way to attaining or obtaining these goals then you’re likely in an intimate um real relationship and the final test of a real relationship i realistic perception of the other not idealization not devaluation not
16. 05:09 love bombing not grooming but a realistic perception of your partner limitations strengths sword s-w-o-t strengths weaknesses what is capable of what you can rely on him for to what extent you can trust him and in which fields if you have this realistic perception of
17. 05:30 your partner you’re probably in a real relationship now the opposite of a real relationship is a pseudo relationship also known as a shared fantasy it doesn’t have any of these things the parties usually signal invulnerability they don’t have common dreams or goals
18. 05:46 and if they do they are totally fantastic and they don’t translate into any type of planning or program and there’s an unrealistic perception of the partner partner is idealized or devalued so that’s the first thing make sure make sure to minimize micro
19. 06:07 relationships in pseudo relationships shared fantasies in your life focus on real relationship even if it means a period of celibacy period of being alone it’s well worth the waiting micro relationships lead nowhere they leave nowhere except according to
20. 06:28 studies to depression anxiety substance abuse and occasionally heartbreak and and traumatic injury 27 percent of micro relationships for example dates end in sexual assault is this what you’re looking for pseudo relationships and even much more
21. 06:47 disastrously in total heartbreak and in in loss of autonomy and agency and self-efficacy shared fantasies shared fantasy is the worst thing that can happen to you be vigilant make sure you are in a real relationship but relationships are one way of looking at
22. 07:06 your life one aspect of your life there’s also you you should be separate from your relationships you should never merge with your partner you should never fuse with your partner you should never become one with your partner you should always keep and maintain a
23. 07:22 boundary or boundaries you should always keep your separateness being separate being boundary having autonomy and agency and self-efficacy maintaining a separate life with separate interests separate set of friends separate pursuits separate plans this is critical
24. 07:43 to a happy couple happy couples are not about merging or fusing into a single organism with two heads happy couples are about bringing the idiosyncrasies bringing the differences bringing the separateness into the common area so that you can enjoy diversity and the difference
25. 08:06 the differences between you so maintaining individuality maintaining yourself as separate entities not dependent upon your partner not outsourcing your the regulation of your moods and your emotions and your ego functions but keeping this territory this inner territory is a
26. 08:30 sacred ground where processes are taking place which are not subjected to public scrutiny or to the intrusion invasion and involvement of your partner this is very critical but you can’t do this if you continue to perceive yourself as a victim
27. 08:48 this is the age of victimhood everyone is someone’s victim no one takes personal responsibility no one agrees to be held accountable bad things mysteriously just happen the passive voice is all the rage well here are some breaking news for you you are nothing
28. 09:09 but the sum of your informed choices and decisions your informed choices of the decisions define you they define you for good and they define you for life there is no going back in time there is never a second chance don’t believe the online nonsense
29. 09:27 your present shapes your future inexorably do the right thing because you’re gonna get only one chance you bear full responsibility for the foreseeable outcomes of your informed choices and decisions whatever they may be if you end up in a bad spot
30. 09:46 if you end up being somehow abused and mistreated and this was the expected outcome of your choices and behaviors then ask yourself what had been my contribution to this and how should i make sure that this never happens again past behavior is the only infallible
31. 10:08 prognosticator of future conduct past behavior is the best predictor of what you’re going to do in the future you will relapse into old behavior patterns and old habits it is only a question of time and the right circumstances before you do so don’t trust people to change
32. 10:29 they will not and you will not be realistic eyes wide open not wide shut eyes wide open be clear-eyed about who you are what are your needs what are your priorities and preferences what are your limitations what are your weaknesses and red red hot buttons and and soft spots and
33. 10:55 vulnerabilities and chinks in the armor know yourself know yourself well unflinchingly do not beautify yourself do not idealize yourself and then apply the same to your partner apply the same to people around you because you’re not going to change
34. 11:13 they’re not going to change there may be long periods there may be periods even longer where you’re not going to act the same way you had acted when you were an adolescent let’s say but core features of your identity core behaviors core moods effects cognition they’re
35. 11:33 gonna recur they’re gonna happen time and again look at your past and you will clearly see your future can you not change in some ways yes you can modify your behavior to some extent you can develop boundaries fundamentally no never and don’t believe any of the hype and
36. 11:53 the self-help books because all they’re trying to do is take your money the world couldn’t care less about you you’re on your own you’re on your own you’re in charge you’re alone forever so get a grip wake up think before you act strangers are not kind ask blanche dubois
37. 12:16 strangers are not kind strangers of predators do not become their prey are all strangers predators better assume so and be surprised for the better but normally if you make yourself vulnerable in a bad way if you make yourself pray there will be a predator around to take
38. 12:41 advantage of this so here are some resolutions for the new year now new year resolutions are notoriously brittle and fragile and ephemeral but you cannot afford this cavalier attitude your mental your physical health depend on strictly observing the following promises
39. 13:05 print them out tape them on your fridge create a magnet a t-shirt i don’t know what but follow these seven rules number one i will treat myself with dignity and i will demand respect from other people i will not allow anyone to disrespect me rule number two
40. 13:25 i will set clear boundaries and make known to others what i regard as permissible and acceptable behavior and what is out of bounds number three i will not tolerate abuse and aggression in any form or guys i will seek to terminate such misconduct instantly and unequivocally
41. 13:46 number four i will be assertive and i will be unambiguous about my needs my wishes and my expectations from others i will not be arrogant but i will be confident and firm i will not be selfish and narcissistic but i will love myself and i will take care of myself and i will
42. 14:04 not compromise myself number five i will get to know myself a lot better and all the time number six i will treat other people as i want them to treat me i will try to lead by way of safe self-example but i will not be naive and i will be vigilant and i will maintain my well-being
43. 14:26 number seven if i’m habitually disrespected abused or if my boundaries are ignored and breached i will terminate the relationship with the abuser forthwith zero tolerance and no second chance would be my maxims of self-preservation follow these seven rules
44. 14:47 and you will sell for yourself a lot of grief and a lot of misfortune i’m not a young man anymore it may have escaped escaped your notice but i’m not a young man anymore and so i have something to tell you about life now this is my personal point of view
45. 15:05 there may be others who will disagree with me but i think it’s worth listening to happiness comes naturally from the inside never seek happiness outside the only thing you can get outside is gratification do not confuse gratification with happiness they have nothing to do with
46. 15:32 each other you could be the most gratified person on earth and not happy and you can be the happiest person on earth living in a barrel diogenes happiness is a slow steady and safe unfolding a becoming not the ephemeral pyrotechnics of fireworks it doesn’t just happen
47. 15:56 it never depends on anything external it cannot be bought it cannot be sold happiness is a state of mind not a state of affairs so there’s nothing you can do to your external environment that would affect your happiness happiness is self-love and self-acceptance
48. 16:16 without grandiosity and narcissism without selfishness happiness flowers in the least expected moments brings to life the moribund and refreshes the stale happiness is being in nothingness at once nothing is more said and lonely than having casual sex in order to feel less sad and
49. 16:41 lonely nothing is more said and lonely than gratifying yourself in a variety of haphazard ways so don’t nothing is more deceitful than brutal honesty it pretends to offer empathy and support but it is mere camouflaged sadism and nothing is more vainglorious than false
50. 17:04 modesty and pseudo-humility nothing is more hateful than the inductable expiry of love nothing is more wrong than being right all the time nothing is faster than life nothing is slower than dying nothing is more attractive than the self-sufficient nothing more repellent
51. 17:23 than the clinging and the needy nothing is more corrupt than conformity and nothing more noble than being oneself nothing is more dignified than honoring other people and nothing is more hopeful than what we already have nothing is more blind than merely observing
52. 17:42 and nothing is more deaf than merely hearing but not listening nothing is more present than the past nothing less certain than the future no gift is greater than a smile and no harm is more deleterious than rejection no risk is grander and no reward more substantial
53. 18:04 than to live life to its fullest only the craven and the foolish extol death or suffering or asceticism as some form of bravery or wisdom or growth or development it is not life is about shunning and suppressing and fighting and eliminating and eradicating suffering
54. 18:26 reality is in our mind alone and what is out there is solely what we make of it i want to read to you before before i continue with my um unsolicited advice i want to read to your pawn it’s a poem written by the inimitable derek wolcott it’s called it’s titled love after love
55. 18:52 listen to it it’s heart-rending and it’s beautiful and it’s sublime the time will come when with elation you will greet yourself arriving at your own door in your own mirror and each will smile at the others welcome and say sit here eat you will love again the stranger
56. 19:19 who was yourself give wine give bread give back your heart to itself to the stranger who has loved you all your life whom you ignored for another who knows you by heart take down the love letters from the bookshelf the photographs the desperate notes
57. 19:42 peel your own image from the mirror sit feast on your life
58. 19:52 magnificent absolutely magnificent so go forth to this new year and make this new year love you make all your gifts come true the way out is your only entrance the way through is your only exit what did life teach me i’m 60 years old although i don’t look a day older than
59. 20:19 16 i’m 60 years old i have led the combined lives of 10 people at least and i’ve learned a lot i’ve learned that life doesn’t always accommodate our plans and wishes but it always turns out to be far better than our fears if you just let life happen if you let the path choose you
60. 20:42 life takes care of you and the path becomes clear we have only limited information life has a lot more information than we do always events that look like disasters are usually agents of positive change in your life trust life trust life do not fight life plan flexibly
61. 21:06 execute wisely retreat smartly advance promptly and invariably celebrate all these steps on the path that is you this path this journey that is your being and your becoming assume the worst don’t be naive don’t be pullianish do assume the words but keep hoping for the best
62. 21:32 keep settling for the real even when you’re stuck you’re carried forward at blinding speed in this vast space lovely innumerable gifts that you had been given and you had been given learn to identify them learn to accept them as gifts and not as entitlements they are endowments
63. 21:57 leverage them cliches are golden truths forged by experience setbacks opportunities raw gold never glitters the grass is is green and every cloud has silver in it tunnels always end in light i can tell you from personal experience be positive be positive but
64. 22:24 not gullible be assured but not grandiose be happy but never euphoric some emotions are bad advisors others are indispensable counselors no which is which and yes change what you can but only what you can do not aim for the stars let the stars aim for you
65. 22:50 you are after all nothing but stardust and dreams remember the dream ends one day the only things we take with us are sepia memories and they’re the only thing we leave behind as well work on having a life worth remembering worth remembering by both yourself and by others
66. 23:13 because you are nothing but a memory when you’re gone in a dream when you’re alive and a unity a unity with that which is bigger than you i wish you a happier new year and a new life a new life owned by you a new life taken back a new life repossessed with a sense
67. 23:44 of identity and accomplishment in comfort comfort in your own skin comfort in your own life comfort in your own relationships be wise be astute be clever but be open be open be adventurous be well be happy