Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. Why Narcissist Devalues YOU (Hint: Wants YOU “Dead”) – Binary Narcissism

1. 00:03 the narcissist devalues you humiliates you denigrates you criticizes you endlessly and unnecessarily gratuitously puts you down what for this only creates a bad atmosphere bad blood between the two of you it undermines the relationship and destroys any semblance of intimacy you
2. 00:30 may have had it renders you much less cooperative much less supportive why would he do that why would he subvert his own his own self-interest today i’m going to provide you with some novel aspects and dimensions of this extremely self-defeating behavior
3. 00:59 the devaluation of the intimate partner my name for those of you who don’t know is sam wagner and i’m the author of malignant self-love narcissism revisited i’m also shockingly a professor of psychology in several universities on several floating continents
4. 01:24 and let’s get straight to business as i always do in previous videos previous lectures i had explained that the narcissist devalues you because you refuse to freeze you refuse to become an ancient egyptian mummy you refuse to play dead and you refuse to conform
5. 01:50 to the snapshot of you that he has in his mind i encourage you to watch previous videos about the process of snapshotting the narcissist takes a snapshot of you then he photoshops the snapshot and this is idealization he introjects it it transforms it into an internal object
6. 02:12 and then you’re supposed to become one with a snapshot you’re supposed to merge or fuse with a snapshot you’re never supposed to deviate or diverge from the snapshot and if you do this provokes in the narcissist a lot of aggression the narcissist punishes you
7. 02:31 from deviating for deviating from the snapshot because the narcissist is capable of interacting only with internal objects he is not capable of interacting with you is not capable of accepting your autonomous independent existence and acting that way
8. 02:49 so when you threaten the internal object you’re threatening the narcissist’s mind additionally disagreeing with the snapshot diverging from the snapshot challenging undermining the snapshot becoming suddenly an autonomous a genetic person with your own agenda your own life your
9. 03:11 own growth pattern and personal development et cetera this challenges the narcissist is grandiosity because the narcissist needs to be 100 000 in control he is god-like he needs to micromanage every aspect of your life every word you say every breath you take and so anytime
10. 03:35 you demonstrate to the narcissist that is not fully in control of you it challenges his grandiosity and there’s nothing more dear to the narcissist than he is grandiosity nothing the narcissist would do anything would sacrifice anyone would destroy everything just to maintain his
11. 03:54 grandiosity which in his mind is identified with freedom he’s a freedom fighter he believes that his grandiosity his god-like qualities his divinity render him um free this precisely is what makes him not subject to the shackles of society this liberates him his grandiosity and
12. 04:20 so when you challenge his grandiosity you’re challenging his freedom and finally when you act independently and autonomously and agentically and self-efficaciously you amplify his separation in security separation insecurity is the clinical term for what is known as abandonment
13. 04:40 anxiety or separation anxiety and so when you do that he becomes anxious and to mitigate and reduce and ameliorate his anxiety he then devalues you by devaluing you he can tell himself it’s not a big loss even if she were to abandon me that’s not a big loss
14. 05:03 similarly when he devalues you he can avoid narcissistic injury i’ve gone through all this at length at great length in at least 20 separate videos and i encourage you to do your homework and to find them and to watch them and you need to watch them because i made them
15. 05:25 no for another reason i do okay that was a joke now i want to delve into additional reasons for devaluation reasons hitherto unmentioned at least online by anyone the narcissist wants you dead he wants you dead because he is already dead the narcissist is the quintessent
16. 05:52 quintessential and original walking dead the narcissist life is a rendition of the zombie apocalypse and he’s already dead he has been dead a long time for a long time and it is lonely out there in the void in the oblivion it’s lonely there anyone’s company but he is beyond
17. 06:19 beyond human reach he is beyond life he is in the netherlands or never never zones the limbo the twilight zone so the nazis wants you to join him there and to do that he needs to kill you i’m sorry to break the news to you he needs to kill your spirit he needs to destroy
18. 06:45 what some of you call the soul he needs you he needs to zombify you he needs to infect you so to speak the narcissist prefers to be in a dead relationship because he is utterly dead inside now it sounds like a metaphor you say what do you mean dead inside
19. 07:10 this is where language breaks down this is where even someone like me who dedicated his life to words and to authorship and writing and speaking even someone like me finds it incredibly difficult to convey and to communicate the inner experience
20. 07:32 of the narcissist of which may i remind you i have a first-hand exposure to which i have a first-hand exposure so this void inside this black hole this what kernberg called emptiness or what seinfeld called the empty schizoid core this deadness this thematic deep space this this
21. 08:01 swirling and whirling abyss chaos that precedes creation this is the core of the narcissist where a human being should have been this is this replaces it this substitutes for it and it is absence and the narcissist does not experience his absence he had lied to himself
22. 08:36 and confabulated to the point that he thinks that his absence is the only form of existence he believes all people are like that you would be hard-pressed to convince the narcissist that other people have a different experience of being a different process of becoming
23. 09:02 it doesn’t have this it doesn’t grow it doesn’t evolve it doesn’t develop there’s no becoming because there’s nothing no seed nothing that can become it’s nothingness in the bad sense of the word it’s not even nothingness if you were to try to reach into the narcissist
24. 09:31 i think your hand would simply go through there’s nobody there it’s an apparition or a mirage and i’ve described it in other videos but the part that’s missing is the realization that the narcissist like everybody else feels lonely existentially lonely and he wants company
25. 09:51 he wants to bring you into his into his hades into his inferno he wants to drag you into this limbo this zone between death and life he wants to introduce you into his twilight zone and he wants you to affirm and confirm to him that this is normality
26. 10:15 that there’s nothing wrong or unusual or extreme in the way he subsists and functions being no more than a walking talking corpse the narcissist feels safe only in a joint cemetery and this joint cemetery is the shared psychosis if you were to look closely
27. 10:40 you would see that in the shirt sarcosis in the shed fantasy of the narcissist there’s only one person you the narcissist creates a whole of mirrors you are reflected in it in an idealized way you fall in love with yourself and you have a relationship with
28. 11:01 yourself but it’s with yourself there’s nobody else there it’s it’s a hallucination the narcissist is a delusion a psychogenic psychogenic illness it’s an illusion that you fall for and so the narcissist being dead already feels safe feels alive actually
29. 11:28 only in this cemetery of the shared fantasy having entered the shirt fantasy you have entered the dead zone you start to die incrementally and gradually the minute you had extended your hand and took the narcissist the minute you had embraced him the minute you had consented
30. 11:53 to his narrative the minute you had included yourself in his psychosis the minute you had catered to his grandiosity the minute you had closed your eyes fell back hoping that he will catch you the minute you’ve integrated yourself into the shirt fantasy you had become a figment
31. 12:17 of his imagination and you had become nothing but an ephemeral ephemeral operation you had given up on your existence you had surrendered your separateness your autonomy your agency and your self-efficacy this is the faustian deal the narcissist offers you
32. 12:42 i’m gonna provide you with unconditional maternal love which you will experience as self-love for the first time in your life you will feel utterly utterly unconditionally lovable but there’s a price to pay for this you need to not be as you are you are not lovable
33. 13:05 you are lovable only as you are not the narcissist’s inability to give life in the narcissistic capacity to partake in life this is a source found of mortification it’s a major ongoing perpetual narcissistic injury
34. 13:32 and to avoid all this to avoid this discrepancy between your life and his death your vibration vivaciousness and his morbidity your ascendance and development and his decay and decadence to reconcile these two within the shared fantasy the narcissist attempts to deaden you [Music]
35. 14:01 to render you dead to assassinate your enthusiasm your joie de vivre the joy of life to constrict your autonomy to crush your exploratory spirit to stunt your growth the narcissist is like so much rot or gangrene spreading through your healthy parts until you are no more
36. 14:31 until like him you’re rendered an automaton with faulty programming this is an attack on your being it is so unique that in 1995 i had coined the phrase narcissistic abuse because i could find no other equivalent in any other form of abuse the need there was a need
37. 14:57 to coin a neologism to describe this vitiation and negation of who you are and one of the main vectors one of the main vectors of this attack is devaluation and there are two types of devaluation pre-emptive and reactive and to understand the difference between the two we need
38. 15:22 to go deeper into the narcissistic disturbance of the self preemptive evaluation is not reactive devaluation but they appear from the outside to be the same this creates god-awful confusion especially among self-styled experts my typical job so to understand the difference
39. 15:52 we need to understand narcissistic topology and the narcissistic dynamic you know that there are various types of narcissists somatics overt covert there is no type constancy in other words this the overt narcissist can become covert the covert can become over it
40. 16:20 i myself used to be cerebral five years ago i became somatic you don’t have to believe me just go online watch my videos on this channel dated 12 and 10 years ago and watch my videos today or a year ago or two years ago or four years ago and you will see the
41. 16:42 massive difference it’s like i’m another human another person i switched types from cerebral to somatic five years ago another switchback so there’s no type constancy and one of the most common transitions is between overt and covert the narcissist transitions
42. 17:10 from an overt state to a covert state via process known as collapse you all heard the term collapse narcissist do not confuse collapse narcissist with failed narcissist failed narcissist is a borderline personality disorder collapse narcissist is someone a narcissist
43. 17:30 who experiences or goes through a systemic and prolonged failure to secure narcissistic supply so when narcissistic supply is deficient for a very long period of time the narcissist collapses when it collapses he usually switches switches type so from overt to covert it’s a very
44. 17:52 common transition and vice versa the transition takes time as the effects of the deficiency of narcissistic supply know at the foundations and roots of the narcissist undermine his precarious balance takes time and there’s therefore always a period of transition between
45. 18:18 cerebral and somatic between overt and covert and so on there’s always a period of transition but some narcissist stuck in this interim period they can’t move on they they get stuck midway between overt and covert let’s say and so these narcissists create a binary system
46. 18:43 they are both overt and covert and then there’s a division of labor and a division of effect everything is divided it’s like a divorce everything is divided all the mental properties the psychological wealth and resources they’re all divided there’s the the overt side
47. 19:10 and the covert side now the overt is a sadistic grandiose entity the overt side dominates and humiliates the covert cell state the overt acts as a kind of harsh inner critic gun orion a narcissist who is stuck in the transition and they are more numerous than you know quite a few
48. 19:36 if i had to venture against a guess at any given time about 20 of narcissists are stuck in this interim phase and so the overt becomes a sadistic the equivalent of a sadistic superego a very disciplinarian and unforgiving inner critic and he directs this aggression and
49. 19:59 negative energy at the covert side he humiliates and dominates and undermines and subverts and suppresses and mocks and ridicules and threatens and terrifies the covert side generating a lot of anxiety in the process the overt sub personality is in charge of sustaining
50. 20:25 the grandiosity cognitive distortion so it’s the overt who is in charge of the grandiosity of such a split narcissist in mid mid middle of the way narcissist analysis who is both overt and covert i call it the binary system so the overt part the sub personality or the pseudo
51. 20:48 identity the overt part is in charge of the grandiosity the locus of grandiosity is the in the overt part because the overt is in charge of grandiosity it is the overt that has the task of interacting with potential sources of narcissistic supply
52. 21:09 the covert never gets in touch with people only the overt side gets in touch with people only the overt side scouts for talent maintains contact coerces cajoles seduces love bombs grooms whatever it takes to produce a new source of narcissistic supply
53. 21:33 so the overt side being grandiose is the only part of the binary system that is in touch with other people but then remember the overt is essentially oversight is essentially an inner critic he hates the covert side the overt side hates the covert side
54. 21:55 the covert side reminds the overt side of vulnerabilities weaknesses failures defeats sieving envy passive aggression the overt despises weakness the overt holds the covert in contempt both of them reside in the same body occupy the same mind it’s a bizarre split kind of
55. 22:22 bizarre split it’s as close as analysis gets to dissociative identity disorder multiple personality disorder so the overt detests the covert hates the covert gas so when the overt is in touch with other people the overt colludes with other people weaponizes these people
56. 22:48 to further depress the covert he makes the overt mix and alliance with other people against the covert side the overt taunts and torments the covert independently and autonomously the overt does not need other people the overt has many internal weapons internal and arsenal
57. 23:12 and ammunition and weaponry and so the overt uses this against the covert on a daily basis minute by minute there’s an ongoing internal dialogue between the overt side and the covert side where the cover the overt tortures the covert and the covert covers and and enviously over it
58. 23:37 and hates the overt and and acts passive aggressively to undermine the overt efforts we’ll come to it in a minute but the overt doesn’t need other people but the overt is promiscuous and an equal opportunity abuser he will use the overt will use anything
59. 23:55 at its disposal against the covert and so the overt uses his contacts with its contacts with other people against the covert he turns these people against the covert side and so there’s a strange coalition of the overt side of such a narcissist to together with sources of supply
60. 24:20 against the covert side of such a narcissist it’s a desperate attempt actually to restore the overt side as a dominant side and to complete the transition using other people as an incentive motivation source of energy inducement but in the meantime while the transition
61. 24:44 is ongoing and it can go on for years while the transition period is ongoing there’s a there’s a there’s a warfare there’s a war between the overt and the covert and the overt is a kind of trojan horse is a kind of fifth column because the overt collaborates
62. 25:04 with outsiders to betray to betray the covert the overt collaborates with others to betray the covert to stab him in the back to kill him actually but the covert has access to all the resources that the overt does both of them for example share the same intelligence
63. 25:27 the the covert is as intelligent as the overt as insightful or at least as cunning is aware of the machinations of the overt so the covert realizes that the overt is a traitor a fifth column a trojan horse covert is terrified of what the overt might do
64. 25:49 how the overt might sacrifice the binary system just to gratify gratify its sadistic need to destroy the covert so the covert knows that it has to defend itself against the overt and so the covert pseudo-identity or the covert self-state preemptively
65. 26:12 devalues everyone the co the overt is in touch with let’s recap a bit it’s a very this is a very complex structure and concepts are very new so for a change i will not hold you in contempt if you cannot follow me there’s a word and covert the narcissist
66. 26:39 can be either type can be overt or covert when analysis collapses he cannot obtain supply he transitions from overt to covert now there’s a transition period between a word and convert some narcissists get stuck in the transition period they don’t complete
67. 26:56 the transition transition so they’re both over and covered now the overt hates the covert because the convert is vulnerable and weak and fragile and shy and you name it everything then the overt despises the overt holds the covert in contempt he wants to destroy the covert because
68. 27:16 the covert is an engine of frustration and internal narcissistic injury and even multiplication the covert is a constant reminder a reminder that the overt is nothing but a fantasy a megalomaniacal grandiose fantasy not real and the overts once the overt wants to destroy this
69. 27:40 source of pain internal constant internal reminder and so what the overt does it collaborates with source with sources of supply it collaborates with people against the covert it is only the overt who is allowed to be in touch with people because the
70. 28:01 locus of grandiosity is only in the overt so the overt is the minister of foreign affairs the secretary of state he goes out he interfaces with other nations with sources of supply this monopoly allows the overt to turn people against the covert to injure the covert
71. 28:24 time and again to wound the cover to the point that blood loss will kill the covert the covert is aware of this he is aware that the overt is out to get him is aware that the overt treasonously is collaborating with others against the covert so what the covert does it preemptively
72. 28:49 devalues every person the overt is in touch with the overt finds the source of supply the poo [ __ ] and says this guy is an idiot this woman is ugly um this person is stupid so he devalues the potential sources of supply that the overt is in touch with because the covert knows
73. 29:15 that the overt will use in future these sources of supply against the covert the covert knows that the intentions of the overt are not pure that is not merely scouting for sources of supply but is scouting for weapons against the covert so to undermine the overts efforts to
74. 29:38 de-weaponize the overt to take away his tools and weapons that covert the values anyone who may be used or might be used by the overt against it against it so by devaluing preemptively everyone the overt is in touch with the covert is defanging them
75. 30:05 he is denying these people the potential sources of supply is denying them the ability to cause narcissistic injury he he leaves the overt without any weapons or allies so now the overt is in touch with other people but having been devalued these people cannot become sources of
76. 30:30 supply they cannot therefore collaborate with your verb against the convert by leveraging the over its grandiosity in the in the war in the pitched war between overt and covert the sources of supply are pawns on the chessboard their pawns and both the overt and the convert are
77. 30:56 trying to grab hold to to maintain control over the sources of supply the covert does this by devaluing them and rendering them useless to the overt because they cannot be sources of supply and cannot support the overts grandiosity the overt tries to
78. 31:15 speedily and expediently convert every source of supply into a vector of attack against the covert and so they keep go on plane a new life a new a new person comes into the nazis life the narcissist is in this phase of transition he’s both over and convert the overt will
79. 31:39 interact with this new potential source of supply try to co-opt her into a shared fantasy love bomb her groom her etc etc the covert on the other hand will devalue her attack her passive aggressively humiliate her undermine her subvert her so that she cannot be used
80. 32:00 she cannot be used by the overt so he will render her the covert will render this potential new source of supply useless and meaningless as far as the overt is concerned and he will do this by devaluing the potential source so there will be there will be two streams
81. 32:22 of mixed signals mixed messaging idealization and the valuation at the same time and this is the process of preemptive devaluation so while in a normal typical relationship with a narcissist you’re first idealized then devalued because this the not this particular
82. 32:48 narcissist is in a stable state is either overt or covert when you interact with a narcissist who is fully in a in a specific state who is who is type constant when you interact with analysis is 100 overt or 100 coverage you will go through the classic cycle
83. 33:10 that i had described in the 1990s um idealization devaluation and discard it’s a classic cycle but if you’re interacting with is two is the the twilight zone in the in limbo in the transition between overt and covered you will have a very disorienting experience at the same time
84. 33:35 you will be idealized and devalued by the same person during the love bombing or the grooming and so many victims described this experience of being idealized and devalued and idealized and devalued in rapid succession which is dizzying and very confusing
85. 33:57 it’s distinct from reactive devaluation which i had described at the beginning of the video the preemptive variant the preemptive evaluation is solely interiorized it’s a part of a passive aggressive arsenal of the covert the covert is not likely to devalue you openly
86. 34:19 aggressively to your face he is likely to devalue you for example with body language or with procrastination or with sabotage or with undermining of intimacy and joint efforts or with withdrawal and avoidance the passive aggressive ways of the covert
87. 34:42 so the coverts way of devaluing is not same as the overts way the covert also easily gets bored and loses interest he dick affects so when the overt comes comes into the binary system comes back to the binary system with good news the overt comes back to the binary system it
88. 35:02 says hi covered bro brother i found a new source of supply i have a new project we can support the grandiosity doing this or doing that the covert will undermine subvert and sabotage these efforts of the overt and the covert will do this by getting bored
89. 35:21 by losing interest in various undertakings and the idea is to deny the overt the opportunities to be in touch with people and turn these people against the covert it’s a civil war it’s a state of civil war and the casualties are you intimate partners insignificant others
90. 35:42 and the sources of supply welcome to the narcissist charming landscape be well