Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. Narcissist’s Outsourced Existence, Trauma-Bonded Fantasy with YOU

1. 00:03 my name is sam wagnin and today as some of you who are not color black colorblind may notice today i’m blue i’m completely blue but at least my conscience is black yes i’m the author of malignant self-love narcissism revisited and i’m also a professor of psychology but not only of psychology by the way i also teach finance to the detriment of banks around the world okay today we are going to discuss a much neglected topic in narcissism what else a topic not one self-styled expert had ever my name is sam wagnin and today as some of you who are not color black colorblind may notice today i’m blue i’m completely blue but at least my conscience is black yes i’m the author of malignant self-love narcissism revisited and i’m also a professor of psychology but not only of psychology by the way i also teach finance to the detriment of banks around the world okay today we are going to discuss a much neglected topic in narcissism what else a topic not one self-styled expert had ever
2. 00:49 touched upon which pleases me no end okay so if you’re all acquainted with the concept of well those of you who had listened who had the misfortune of listening to my previous videos you are acquainted by now with the concept of the empty schizoid core at the heart of the narcissist at the heart of the heartless narcissist there is an emptiness a black hole avoid howling winds in endless corridors leading to halls of mirrors don’t you just love my poetic twists and turns and so this empty schizoid core this touched upon which pleases me no end okay so if you’re all acquainted with the concept of well those of you who had listened who had the misfortune of listening to my previous videos you are acquainted by now with the concept of the empty schizoid core at the heart of the narcissist at the heart of the heartless narcissist there is an emptiness a black hole avoid howling winds in endless corridors leading to halls of mirrors don’t you just love my poetic twists and turns and so this empty schizoid core this
3. 01:31 emptiness to borrow a phrase from otto kernberg this howling void the narcissist believe it or not experiences it you can ask if the narcissist does not exist if the narcissist is only an absence who does the emoting who does the feeling who who is the one who is experiencing his or her own absence well that is the conundrum and this is a paradox at the heart of narcissism there is something there a hyperstructure a superstructure an entity perhaps there’s something there i wouldn’t say someone emptiness to borrow a phrase from otto kernberg this howling void the narcissist believe it or not experiences it you can ask if the narcissist does not exist if the narcissist is only an absence who does the emoting who does the feeling who who is the one who is experiencing his or her own absence well that is the conundrum and this is a paradox at the heart of narcissism there is something there a hyperstructure a superstructure an entity perhaps there’s something there i wouldn’t say someone
4. 02:13 that would be taking it too far but there is something there that senses this emptiness and so what the narcissist tries to do he tries to supplant to replace this emptiness with a semblance of existence no one feels well no one could feel well not being being is at the core of anyone’s and everything’s experience in this sense perhaps animism was right rocks have being trees have been being is the organizing principle of reality of the universe and so not being is a problem and the narcissist tries to that would be taking it too far but there is something there that senses this emptiness and so what the narcissist tries to do he tries to supplant to replace this emptiness with a semblance of existence no one feels well no one could feel well not being being is at the core of anyone’s and everything’s experience in this sense perhaps animism was right rocks have being trees have been being is the organizing principle of reality of the universe and so not being is a problem and the narcissist tries to
5. 02:56 cover up for it in a variety of ways he tries to create azat uh fake impromptu improvised types of existence the first solution that the narcissist uses is to outsource his sense of existence he outsources it he derives it from others but not only from other people but from his pathological narcissistic space the physical location that he is in from his friends from his colleagues from institutions from religions and affiliations and so on so forth the narcissist leverages and uses everything around him animate and cover up for it in a variety of ways he tries to create azat uh fake impromptu improvised types of existence the first solution that the narcissist uses is to outsource his sense of existence he outsources it he derives it from others but not only from other people but from his pathological narcissistic space the physical location that he is in from his friends from his colleagues from institutions from religions and affiliations and so on so forth the narcissist leverages and uses everything around him animate and
6. 03:40 inanimate to outsource his sense of existence he borrows it so to speak from others in this first solution outsourcing the narcissist experiences existence as his own trait as his own property so to speak his own quality he does not experience it as coming from the outside what he does he integrates minds places circumstances possessions he takes all of these and he integrates them kaleidoscopically into a hive mind a mind that is made of patches and shards held together precariously via grandiosity inanimate to outsource his sense of existence he borrows it so to speak from others in this first solution outsourcing the narcissist experiences existence as his own trait as his own property so to speak his own quality he does not experience it as coming from the outside what he does he integrates minds places circumstances possessions he takes all of these and he integrates them kaleidoscopically into a hive mind a mind that is made of patches and shards held together precariously via grandiosity
7. 04:33 and other cognitive biases and this is outsourcing the outsourcing process itself is transparent to the narcissist he does not realize what he’s doing he just feels alive he feels that he exists but only when he is in his pathological narcissistic space only when he is next to his sources of supply only when he reviews his collections and possessions or his children so what the narcissist does not realize the outsourcing narcissist does not realize is that if all these were to be taken away from him and other cognitive biases and this is outsourcing the outsourcing process itself is transparent to the narcissist he does not realize what he’s doing he just feels alive he feels that he exists but only when he is in his pathological narcissistic space only when he is next to his sources of supply only when he reviews his collections and possessions or his children so what the narcissist does not realize the outsourcing narcissist does not realize is that if all these were to be taken away from him
8. 05:11 he would not feel that he exists if all these external sources external origins of existence beacons of existence were removed from his life he would not feel that he’s alive he would not feel being he would not feel existence i recommend to you to watch my video on satur and nothingness and being so this is the first solution outsourcing outsourcing is scanning for scanning for sources and origins of existence and then incorporating them into a pastiche into a kind of collage into a kaleidoscope and then owning he would not feel that he exists if all these external sources external origins of existence beacons of existence were removed from his life he would not feel that he’s alive he would not feel being he would not feel existence i recommend to you to watch my video on satur and nothingness and being so this is the first solution outsourcing outsourcing is scanning for scanning for sources and origins of existence and then incorporating them into a pastiche into a kind of collage into a kaleidoscope and then owning
9. 05:56 this kaleidoscope and identifying with it to the point that it is indistinguishable from the narcissist nonsense it feels that his existence his being is coming from the inside he experiences it as any other healthy or normal person would but what he doesn’t realize it’s not coming from the inside it’s outsourced it’s our source just in time it’s it’s real time a real time simulation outsourcing is the most common experience and the most common solution for the narcissist non-being problem this kaleidoscope and identifying with it to the point that it is indistinguishable from the narcissist nonsense it feels that his existence his being is coming from the inside he experiences it as any other healthy or normal person would but what he doesn’t realize it’s not coming from the inside it’s outsourced it’s our source just in time it’s it’s real time a real time simulation outsourcing is the most common experience and the most common solution for the narcissist non-being problem
10. 06:34 but there are others before we go to these others we need to dwell upon two concepts one old and one new existence agents these are the elements in the narcissist life that provides them provides him with a sense of existence each one of them contributes a minuscule or incremental piece and when you put all of them together existence emerges it is an emergent property an epi phenomenon so the narcissist actually is a kind of device a scanning device and then when when the information reaches a critical mass but there are others before we go to these others we need to dwell upon two concepts one old and one new existence agents these are the elements in the narcissist life that provides them provides him with a sense of existence each one of them contributes a minuscule or incremental piece and when you put all of them together existence emerges it is an emergent property an epi phenomenon so the narcissist actually is a kind of device a scanning device and then when when the information reaches a critical mass
11. 07:14 he suddenly feels alive and his job is to keep this critical mass at all times because if he goes under the critical mass he no longer feels alive he no longer feels it exists he no longer feels his being this is intolerable so he is busy all the time replenishing replenishing the information from existence agents the existence agents could be people could be places could be circumstances could be clubs could be countries could be churches could be children you name it anything could be possessions physical he suddenly feels alive and his job is to keep this critical mass at all times because if he goes under the critical mass he no longer feels alive he no longer feels it exists he no longer feels his being this is intolerable so he is busy all the time replenishing replenishing the information from existence agents the existence agents could be people could be places could be circumstances could be clubs could be countries could be churches could be children you name it anything could be possessions physical
12. 07:49 objects material objects anything can and does serve as an existence agent and it is the narcissist’s role it is what he does all day it’s a full-time job he it extracts it’s like a mining operation it’s instead of data mining it’s existence mining he extracts his existence from all these existence agents he puts all of these increments together and he creates an ostensibly coherent cohesive and congruent picture of of his being of course it’s fake it’s fake because it doesn’t emanate objects material objects anything can and does serve as an existence agent and it is the narcissist’s role it is what he does all day it’s a full-time job he it extracts it’s like a mining operation it’s instead of data mining it’s existence mining he extracts his existence from all these existence agents he puts all of these increments together and he creates an ostensibly coherent cohesive and congruent picture of of his being of course it’s fake it’s fake because it doesn’t emanate
13. 08:28 from the inside it comes from the outside is highly dependent on a continuous stream of narcissistic supply this actually is the main role of narcissistic supply take away the narcissistic supply from the narcissist take away his attention attention that he gets take away adulation admiration even being hated even being feared take away take away attention from the narcissist and he crumbles to dust there’s nothing there and nobody there it’s an intricate the narcissus is an intricate simulation from the inside it comes from the outside is highly dependent on a continuous stream of narcissistic supply this actually is the main role of narcissistic supply take away the narcissistic supply from the narcissist take away his attention attention that he gets take away adulation admiration even being hated even being feared take away take away attention from the narcissist and he crumbles to dust there’s nothing there and nobody there it’s an intricate the narcissus is an intricate simulation
14. 09:02 and to keep it going there needs to be a constant power charge not power surge that would be narcissistic injury or narcissistic modification but a power charge a constant stream a constant current of electricity the electricity of being the electricity of existence so the narcissist goes around scouting for existence agents then co-opting them or coercing them or collaborating with them or love-bombing them or grooming them or persuading them whatever it takes cajoling them whatever it takes to and to keep it going there needs to be a constant power charge not power surge that would be narcissistic injury or narcissistic modification but a power charge a constant stream a constant current of electricity the electricity of being the electricity of existence so the narcissist goes around scouting for existence agents then co-opting them or coercing them or collaborating with them or love-bombing them or grooming them or persuading them whatever it takes cajoling them whatever it takes to
15. 09:41 provide him with his teeny tiny bits of existence that he can then laboriously amalgamate and put together into the picture of a being at that point he feels that he’s alive that he is a creature in the sense that he had been created but of course such constant dependence creates a sense of asymmetry a sense of imbalance a sense of inferiority and these are ego dystonic the narcissist hates being dependent the narcissist grandiosity and sense of superiority are challenged by this constant neediness provide him with his teeny tiny bits of existence that he can then laboriously amalgamate and put together into the picture of a being at that point he feels that he’s alive that he is a creature in the sense that he had been created but of course such constant dependence creates a sense of asymmetry a sense of imbalance a sense of inferiority and these are ego dystonic the narcissist hates being dependent the narcissist grandiosity and sense of superiority are challenged by this constant neediness
16. 10:26 and clinginess which are essentially borderline features or co-dependent features features of dependent personality disorder in many respects the narcissist is actually um dependent is someone is a codependent in many in many respects so and he hates it he hates to be dependent on other people on places on circumstances on bosses on children he hates to be so reliant on and so crucially dependent on these existence agents it makes him feel bad inferior equidistant injured traumatized mortified you name and clinginess which are essentially borderline features or co-dependent features features of dependent personality disorder in many respects the narcissist is actually um dependent is someone is a codependent in many in many respects so and he hates it he hates to be dependent on other people on places on circumstances on bosses on children he hates to be so reliant on and so crucially dependent on these existence agents it makes him feel bad inferior equidistant injured traumatized mortified you name
17. 11:07 it so the narcissist is always in a state of dysphoria dysphoria is one step removed from depression and indeed many scholars had tried to conceptualize narcissistic personality disorder as a depressive reaction to shame the shame of being dependent starting in early childhood when the narcissists had been dependent on abusive withholding frustrating dead emotionally dead parents absent and narcissistic so some narcissists use other solutions the second solution is substitutive existence remember the first solution is outsource it so the narcissist is always in a state of dysphoria dysphoria is one step removed from depression and indeed many scholars had tried to conceptualize narcissistic personality disorder as a depressive reaction to shame the shame of being dependent starting in early childhood when the narcissists had been dependent on abusive withholding frustrating dead emotionally dead parents absent and narcissistic so some narcissists use other solutions the second solution is substitutive existence remember the first solution is outsource
18. 11:47 existence that is by far the most prevalent and widespread solution some narcissists use outsourced existence in conjunction with substitutive existence now substitutive existence is very interesting it’s when the narcissist borrows borrows other people whole scale full scale wholesale borrows them incorporates them in his mind and by incorporating them actually hijacks their existence now two things come to mind many victims of narcissists describe the experience of being with the narcissist existence that is by far the most prevalent and widespread solution some narcissists use outsourced existence in conjunction with substitutive existence now substitutive existence is very interesting it’s when the narcissist borrows borrows other people whole scale full scale wholesale borrows them incorporates them in his mind and by incorporating them actually hijacks their existence now two things come to mind many victims of narcissists describe the experience of being with the narcissist
19. 12:32 as um he’s they say he sucks the life out of me he’s like a vampire he sucks the oxygen out of the room true that’s exactly what nazis do with substitutive existence they suck your life out of you they take away your existence they appropriate it and then they assimilate it and it becomes their existence your non-existence your increasing absence your gradual vanishing and disappearing is there their rise to being they are they exist more and more the less and less you exist it’s a zero-sum game it’s you or the as um he’s they say he sucks the life out of me he’s like a vampire he sucks the oxygen out of the room true that’s exactly what nazis do with substitutive existence they suck your life out of you they take away your existence they appropriate it and then they assimilate it and it becomes their existence your non-existence your increasing absence your gradual vanishing and disappearing is there their rise to being they are they exist more and more the less and less you exist it’s a zero-sum game it’s you or the
20. 13:21 narcissist and so substitutive existence is is a process of snapshotting people then incorporating them the snapshots photoshopping idealizing the snapshot and then trying to coerce the sources of the snapshot the origin the the real person to behave in accordance with the snapshot to in other words not diverge not deviate from the snapshot and the narcissist will go to big extents to a large extent or very very far to ascertain that no such deviation and digression happen so substitutive existence is narcissist and so substitutive existence is is a process of snapshotting people then incorporating them the snapshots photoshopping idealizing the snapshot and then trying to coerce the sources of the snapshot the origin the the real person to behave in accordance with the snapshot to in other words not diverge not deviate from the snapshot and the narcissist will go to big extents to a large extent or very very far to ascertain that no such deviation and digression happen so substitutive existence is
21. 14:09 actually a kind of body snatching or mind snatching where the narcissist takes over you in order to digest you and assimilate you so that he can then derive and benefit uh from your [Music] self-imputed existence now of course in primitive cultures primitive societies ancient religions substitutive existence was very common for example warriors after a war after a battle they would eat the bodies of the vanquished enemy by eating the liver of the vanquished enemy by eating the brain of the vanquished enemy actually a kind of body snatching or mind snatching where the narcissist takes over you in order to digest you and assimilate you so that he can then derive and benefit uh from your [Music] self-imputed existence now of course in primitive cultures primitive societies ancient religions substitutive existence was very common for example warriors after a war after a battle they would eat the bodies of the vanquished enemy by eating the liver of the vanquished enemy by eating the brain of the vanquished enemy
22. 14:52 they will have acquired the properties and qualities of the of the enemy it was and and to this very day in catholicism we have a process whereby the body of christ is transformed into the wafer and and the wine so cannibalism had religious dimensions throughout human history and so the narcissist is a cannibal he he feasts on your mind he he digests your your existence he eats you up he eats you up he devours you he consumes you so that your existence your erstwhile existence either to becomes they will have acquired the properties and qualities of the of the enemy it was and and to this very day in catholicism we have a process whereby the body of christ is transformed into the wafer and and the wine so cannibalism had religious dimensions throughout human history and so the narcissist is a cannibal he he feasts on your mind he he digests your your existence he eats you up he eats you up he devours you he consumes you so that your existence your erstwhile existence either to becomes
23. 15:43 his by virtue of having assimilated you now of course this process is hampered by some narcissistic traits for example the narcissist tendency to devalue meaningful and significant people in his life you can’t very well devalue someone and then treasure their separate existence or being evaluation stands in the way of substitutive existence because substitute of existence requires idealization of the so of the of the existence agent you represent existence in the narcissist life for example as an his by virtue of having assimilated you now of course this process is hampered by some narcissistic traits for example the narcissist tendency to devalue meaningful and significant people in his life you can’t very well devalue someone and then treasure their separate existence or being evaluation stands in the way of substitutive existence because substitute of existence requires idealization of the so of the of the existence agent you represent existence in the narcissist life for example as an
24. 16:23 intimate partner you represent existence you have a separate being you’re real you’re alive the narcissist wants this he wants to take it away from you because he needs it because he is an absence he’s a black hole and he doesn’t want to be a black hole he wants to be a supernova or a galaxy or a son at the very least and so he needs to he needs to make you disappear and reappear inside him as a form of presence as a form of entity or a form of being it’s a very creepy process luckily intimate partner you represent existence you have a separate being you’re real you’re alive the narcissist wants this he wants to take it away from you because he needs it because he is an absence he’s a black hole and he doesn’t want to be a black hole he wants to be a supernova or a galaxy or a son at the very least and so he needs to he needs to make you disappear and reappear inside him as a form of presence as a form of entity or a form of being it’s a very creepy process luckily
25. 16:59 it is hampered it is it is obstructed by his tendency to devalue you because the minute he devalues you you’re no longer a valid source of existence it is also hampered and obstructed by paranoia because the narcissist paranoia makes him hyper vigilant and suspicious of you and he would tend to be very afraid of internalizing you converting you into an internal object or an introject in other words into a snapshot it’s like you’re you’re suspicious he is paranoid of you and so if he it is hampered it is it is obstructed by his tendency to devalue you because the minute he devalues you you’re no longer a valid source of existence it is also hampered and obstructed by paranoia because the narcissist paranoia makes him hyper vigilant and suspicious of you and he would tend to be very afraid of internalizing you converting you into an internal object or an introject in other words into a snapshot it’s like you’re you’re suspicious he is paranoid of you and so if he
26. 17:36 gets you inside his mind you can do something bad to him in other words the narcissist tends to convert you into a bad persecutory object into an enemy the minute you’re an enemy you he want he won’t allow you access to his mind because he can do horrible things to his mind so the evaluation and paranoia renders substitutive existence as a strategy as a solution very difficult to implement the third and last type of um kind of hijacked existence or existence from the outside is displaced existence the summarize the gets you inside his mind you can do something bad to him in other words the narcissist tends to convert you into a bad persecutory object into an enemy the minute you’re an enemy you he want he won’t allow you access to his mind because he can do horrible things to his mind so the evaluation and paranoia renders substitutive existence as a strategy as a solution very difficult to implement the third and last type of um kind of hijacked existence or existence from the outside is displaced existence the summarize the
27. 18:16 previous two outsourced existence is when the narcissist collects bits and pieces of existence from his environment and puts them together in a collage in a in a pastiche in a kaleidoscope and then he experiences this collage he experiences this assembly or compendium as his own existence that’s outsourced substitute of existence is when the narcissist internalizes whole people complete people intimate partners colleagues neighbors friends internalizes them converts them into internal objects previous two outsourced existence is when the narcissist collects bits and pieces of existence from his environment and puts them together in a collage in a in a pastiche in a kaleidoscope and then he experiences this collage he experiences this assembly or compendium as his own existence that’s outsourced substitute of existence is when the narcissist internalizes whole people complete people intimate partners colleagues neighbors friends internalizes them converts them into internal objects
28. 18:53 introjects snapshots and then uses these to experience existence to experience being vicariously um he he actually annexes he assimilates the existence and being of other people this is the substitutive existence solution and the displaced existence solution is when the narcissist recognizes that other people are separate from him that they have their own existence in their own being but he then somehow co-opts somehow makes them exist their separate existence and being his so for example covert narcissists and introjects snapshots and then uses these to experience existence to experience being vicariously um he he actually annexes he assimilates the existence and being of other people this is the substitutive existence solution and the displaced existence solution is when the narcissist recognizes that other people are separate from him that they have their own existence in their own being but he then somehow co-opts somehow makes them exist their separate existence and being his so for example covert narcissists and
29. 19:42 especially inverted narcissists are likely to do this because they exist via others the inverted narcissist for example is a subspecies of covert narcissist and she feels alive she feels that she exists that she feels that she is in being she has a being she is an entity only via an overt grandiose classic narcissist who is her intimate partner so she is like the moon and her intimate partner narcissist is like the sun and she has the sun’s reflected light the moon doesn’t have doesn’t shine especially inverted narcissists are likely to do this because they exist via others the inverted narcissist for example is a subspecies of covert narcissist and she feels alive she feels that she exists that she feels that she is in being she has a being she is an entity only via an overt grandiose classic narcissist who is her intimate partner so she is like the moon and her intimate partner narcissist is like the sun and she has the sun’s reflected light the moon doesn’t have doesn’t shine
30. 20:26 doesn’t have a light of its own it reflects the light of the sun so it’s the same in displaced existence it’s the reflected existence the reflected being the reflected lives of people around the narcissist he basks he basks in this secondary reflective source of light source of being source of life source of existence he surrounds himself with people intimate partners colleagues neighbors friends never mind he surrounds himself with people through whose existence he can exist it’s vicarious existence by proxy doesn’t have a light of its own it reflects the light of the sun so it’s the same in displaced existence it’s the reflected existence the reflected being the reflected lives of people around the narcissist he basks he basks in this secondary reflective source of light source of being source of life source of existence he surrounds himself with people intimate partners colleagues neighbors friends never mind he surrounds himself with people through whose existence he can exist it’s vicarious existence by proxy
31. 21:08 it’s if my intimate partner exists only then do i feel that i exist it’s also common in borderline by the way and in co-dependency here’s another thing common to narcissists borderlines and codependence so displaced existence is when the narcissist makes sure that there is an existence agent a ra agent or agents around him which can imbue him endow him bestow upon him the gift of existence so if your intimate partner is successful you feel successful if your intimate partner is loving it’s if my intimate partner exists only then do i feel that i exist it’s also common in borderline by the way and in co-dependency here’s another thing common to narcissists borderlines and codependence so displaced existence is when the narcissist makes sure that there is an existence agent a ra agent or agents around him which can imbue him endow him bestow upon him the gift of existence so if your intimate partner is successful you feel successful if your intimate partner is loving
32. 21:51 you feel being loved and you love the fact that you’re being loved so you love if your intimate partner is very good with his hands a great handyman you take pride in this but not pride for him pride for yourself it’s like you own him is your property you own something exotic and amazing so this is displaced existence and these are the three solutions and displaced existence is obstructed and hampered and very often prevented by passive aggression and entitlement passive aggression is a tendency to you feel being loved and you love the fact that you’re being loved so you love if your intimate partner is very good with his hands a great handyman you take pride in this but not pride for him pride for yourself it’s like you own him is your property you own something exotic and amazing so this is displaced existence and these are the three solutions and displaced existence is obstructed and hampered and very often prevented by passive aggression and entitlement passive aggression is a tendency to
33. 22:29 undermine sabotage and destroy from the you know like termites destroyed by knowing away at the foundations and the roots of relationships so the narcissist the covert narcissist passive aggression tends to deflect tends to diminish his ability or her ability to obtain an existence from his from people around him from his sources he tends to passively aggressively destroy any possibility any attempt any effort and any potential to somehow live vicariously through another person and also entitlement narcissist feels undermine sabotage and destroy from the you know like termites destroyed by knowing away at the foundations and the roots of relationships so the narcissist the covert narcissist passive aggression tends to deflect tends to diminish his ability or her ability to obtain an existence from his from people around him from his sources he tends to passively aggressively destroy any possibility any attempt any effort and any potential to somehow live vicariously through another person and also entitlement narcissist feels
34. 23:20 entitled and so he becomes demanding he becomes aggressive clinging needy and ultimately pushes the existence agents away okay now to three of your questions joy asks is there only one form of shared fantasy a shared fantasy was first described in 1989 by sander not by wagner and ever since then we’ve learned a lot about shirt fantasies especially in cluster b personality disorders mainly narcissism and borderline and so it seems that there are two types of shared fantasy there is the companionship companionship entitled and so he becomes demanding he becomes aggressive clinging needy and ultimately pushes the existence agents away okay now to three of your questions joy asks is there only one form of shared fantasy a shared fantasy was first described in 1989 by sander not by wagner and ever since then we’ve learned a lot about shirt fantasies especially in cluster b personality disorders mainly narcissism and borderline and so it seems that there are two types of shared fantasy there is the companionship companionship
35. 24:02 shared fantasy and there is a submissive shirt fantasy now the companionship shirt fantasy is common mainly among cerebral narcissists cerebral narcissists and to some extent covert narcissist the submissive shirt fantasy is common among overt grandiose narcissism so compensatory covert cerebral narcissist they would create a companionship shared fantasy overt grandiose somatic narcissist they would create a submissive fantasy and what’s the difference between these two a companionship shared fantasy is very shared fantasy and there is a submissive shirt fantasy now the companionship shirt fantasy is common mainly among cerebral narcissists cerebral narcissists and to some extent covert narcissist the submissive shirt fantasy is common among overt grandiose narcissism so compensatory covert cerebral narcissist they would create a companionship shared fantasy overt grandiose somatic narcissist they would create a submissive fantasy and what’s the difference between these two a companionship shared fantasy is very
36. 24:46 much like a business transaction indeed it’s transactional it’s an agreement you will provide me you my intimate partner will provide me with services will provide me with um adulation with supply narcissistic or if i’m a bit sadistic sadistic supply you’re providing me with supply with attention with adulation without beration you will provide me with services all kinds of services i don’t know you will be my personal assistant or whatever and i in turn will endow you bestow upon you much like a business transaction indeed it’s transactional it’s an agreement you will provide me you my intimate partner will provide me with services will provide me with um adulation with supply narcissistic or if i’m a bit sadistic sadistic supply you’re providing me with supply with attention with adulation without beration you will provide me with services all kinds of services i don’t know you will be my personal assistant or whatever and i in turn will endow you bestow upon you
37. 25:19 my presence so this is the companionship shared fantasy where the intimate partner actually fulfills the roles of mother and to some extent fan or admirer and in the shirt in a companionship shared fantasy the main role of the intimate partner is to provide secondary narcissistic supply the narcissistic supply i mean the intimate partner witnesses the narcissist accomplishments records them and releases these recordings when supply is low helping to regulate the flow of supply so this is in companionship shared my presence so this is the companionship shared fantasy where the intimate partner actually fulfills the roles of mother and to some extent fan or admirer and in the shirt in a companionship shared fantasy the main role of the intimate partner is to provide secondary narcissistic supply the narcissistic supply i mean the intimate partner witnesses the narcissist accomplishments records them and releases these recordings when supply is low helping to regulate the flow of supply so this is in companionship shared
38. 26:00 fantasy in submissive shirt fantasy the main emphasis is on the intimate partner as a playmate and a fan so in submissive shared fantasy there’s a lot of sex the demand is for sex and for supply and only the third place services the submissive shared fantasy is much more common among somatics and so on and there it’s much less of an agreement there’s also no horizon there are no plans it’s not serious there’s no investment there’s no commitment there’s a lot of uh fantasies about the fantasy in submissive shirt fantasy the main emphasis is on the intimate partner as a playmate and a fan so in submissive shared fantasy there’s a lot of sex the demand is for sex and for supply and only the third place services the submissive shared fantasy is much more common among somatics and so on and there it’s much less of an agreement there’s also no horizon there are no plans it’s not serious there’s no investment there’s no commitment there’s a lot of uh fantasies about the
39. 26:34 future the many fantasies about the future and it’s all very vivid and very colorful and and very convincing um but and even the narcissist himself believes in these fantasies so it’s not future faking the narcissist is not lying he’s deluding himself as well as an intimate part is intimate partner but the emphasis is on sex usually sadistic or submissive sex and on adulation admiration the narcissist wants to feel irresistible for example if he’s a somatic narcissist okay so these are the two types of shared future the many fantasies about the future and it’s all very vivid and very colorful and and very convincing um but and even the narcissist himself believes in these fantasies so it’s not future faking the narcissist is not lying he’s deluding himself as well as an intimate part is intimate partner but the emphasis is on sex usually sadistic or submissive sex and on adulation admiration the narcissist wants to feel irresistible for example if he’s a somatic narcissist okay so these are the two types of shared
40. 27:09 fantasy it’s important to to understand that when you misidentify sex as intimacy when you mislabel love as pain you end up having sexless intimacy and painful loves i repeat this because it’s a profound sentence and it’s profound because i wrote it when you misidentify sex as intimacy you end up having sexless intimacy when you mislabel love is pain you end up having painful love affairs profound i admire myself mainly because no one else would for me that’s called victim stance fantasy it’s important to to understand that when you misidentify sex as intimacy when you mislabel love as pain you end up having sexless intimacy and painful loves i repeat this because it’s a profound sentence and it’s profound because i wrote it when you misidentify sex as intimacy you end up having sexless intimacy when you mislabel love is pain you end up having painful love affairs profound i admire myself mainly because no one else would for me that’s called victim stance
41. 27:56 okay which leads us to trauma bonding of course trauma bonding is a form of self-mutilation it’s a form of self-harm now this is a very unusual view of trauma bonding because we tend to divide the participants in trauma bonding into perpetrators abusers predators and hapless flawless angelic victims nothing could be further from the truth trauma bonding is a collaboration a very close collaboration where the parties contribute equally and both of them are committed to the charm to the bond both of them are affected emotionally okay which leads us to trauma bonding of course trauma bonding is a form of self-mutilation it’s a form of self-harm now this is a very unusual view of trauma bonding because we tend to divide the participants in trauma bonding into perpetrators abusers predators and hapless flawless angelic victims nothing could be further from the truth trauma bonding is a collaboration a very close collaboration where the parties contribute equally and both of them are committed to the charm to the bond both of them are affected emotionally
42. 28:34 invested in the book but as far as the victim is concerned it’s a form of self-cutting exactly like in borderline personality disorder it’s a form of self-punishment self-destruction self-mutilation self-harm and all these behaviors in borderline personality disorder for example all these behaviors have three functions there are three functions to self-harm and self-mutilation number one to this to numb to quell to repress disregulated emotions that threaten to overwhelm the victim number two to allow the invested in the book but as far as the victim is concerned it’s a form of self-cutting exactly like in borderline personality disorder it’s a form of self-punishment self-destruction self-mutilation self-harm and all these behaviors in borderline personality disorder for example all these behaviors have three functions there are three functions to self-harm and self-mutilation number one to this to numb to quell to repress disregulated emotions that threaten to overwhelm the victim number two to allow the
43. 29:12 victim to feel alive through pain number three to punish defeat and destroy the self-mutilator so these are the three functions of self-mutilation and self-harm to non-dysregulated emotions that threaten to overwhelm the self-mutilator to allow the the person who self-harms to feel alive through pain and to punish defeat and destroy the self-mutilator or the person who self-harms and all three exist in trauma bonding it’s exactly what trauma bonding does lydia anderson wrote these words recently victim to feel alive through pain number three to punish defeat and destroy the self-mutilator so these are the three functions of self-mutilation and self-harm to non-dysregulated emotions that threaten to overwhelm the self-mutilator to allow the the person who self-harms to feel alive through pain and to punish defeat and destroy the self-mutilator or the person who self-harms and all three exist in trauma bonding it’s exactly what trauma bonding does lydia anderson wrote these words recently
44. 29:48 our narcissistic defenses preserve us from self-destruction in desperate hopeless and uncertain times the need to socialize to compare ourselves with others is intended to restore control over our innate urges having been terrified of our dark side we actually trauma bond with others and so others remind us that we are weak and that we have to fight for our survival one should embrace his or her weakness in order to restore the energy the hope and the will to live others won’t do it for you it’s a choice our narcissistic defenses preserve us from self-destruction in desperate hopeless and uncertain times the need to socialize to compare ourselves with others is intended to restore control over our innate urges having been terrified of our dark side we actually trauma bond with others and so others remind us that we are weak and that we have to fight for our survival one should embrace his or her weakness in order to restore the energy the hope and the will to live others won’t do it for you it’s a choice
45. 30:27 you have to make to suffer or to live wise counsel indeed and another alternative view on trauma bonding i hope you survived and enjoyed this excursion into the dark underside of the human psyche i’m always here to guide you through hades just pay me my duel you have to make to suffer or to live wise counsel indeed and another alternative view on trauma bonding i hope you survived and enjoyed this excursion into the dark underside of the human psyche i’m always here to guide you through hades just pay me my duel