Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. Signs You are Victim of Narcissistic Abuse, Not Common Abuse (Stress, Depression Management Webinar)

1. 00:02 esteemed colleagues thank you for inviting me to the stress and depression management webinar i’m honored and delighted to be here today i would like to present to you the latest findings with regards to a specific subtype of abuse within intimate relationships known
2. 00:24 as narcissistic abuse it is all the hype recently there are millions of people discussing narcissistic abuse online and it had penetrated the scholarly literature as well my name is sam vaknin i’m a visiting professor of psychology in southern federal university in westovendom
3. 00:44 in russia and i’m a professor of finance and a professor of psychology in the outreach program of csups center for international advanced and professional studies i’m also the author of malignant self-love narcissism revisited and a host of other books about personality disorders
4. 01:02 in 1995 i coined the phrase narcissistic abuse and i felt the need to coin a new phrase because i wanted to describe a subtype of abusive behavior that was pernicious nefarious or pervasive across multiple areas of life and involved a plethora plethora of behaviors
5. 01:29 and manipulative or coercive techniques narcissistic abuse was not like all other types of abuse it differed from other types of abuse in its range in its sophistication in its duration in its versatility express and premeditated intention to negate and to vitiate the victim’s
6. 01:53 personal autonomy agency self-efficacy and ultimately well-being and it was the only type of abuse that could be practiced either surreptitiously under the radar or overtly openly so very often narcissistic abuse masquerades in a variety of ways
7. 02:19 it becomes gaslighting becomes ambient abuse the narcissist uses other people which i coined another phrase to describe i called them flying monkeys so it this type of abuse co-opts recruits an entire community to do its bidding it’s not isolated like other types of
8. 02:44 abuse where there’s a one-on-one abusive interaction rejection humiliation physical abuse verbal abuse it’s an integrated network approach to abuse everything becomes weaponized everything is used against the victim people in the victim’s life the victim’s family
9. 03:08 friends workplace associations interests hobbies fears hopes priorities wishes confidential information shared in moments of intimacy this information is weaponized as well is used against the victim at a later stage i keep saying victim because while in the throes of
10. 03:35 narcissistic abuse within a shared fantasy within a shared psychotic space the prey is immobilized it’s like this these animals in nature who first inject the prey with poison paralytic praise poison nerve agent that the phrase immobilized it has a freeze
11. 03:58 response it’s incapable of flight incapable of fight it just freezes there like a deer with the headlights only much later victims can become survivors but even then they carry the abuse with them in a variety of ways which is the topic of today’s paper
12. 04:17 the victims of narcissistic abuse appeared at the time when i coined the phrase and and was the first to describe this type of abuse they appear to be to present a clinical picture substantially different to victims of other more pinpointed more goal-oriented types of abuse
13. 04:39 the victims of narcissistic abuse were more depressed more anxious much more disoriented aggressive there was defiant reactance they took on traits and behaviors which are typical of narcissists and psychopaths defensively they became dissociative
14. 04:57 so they showed all kinds of dissociative symptoms such as de-personalization derealization or even amnesia and all of them felt trapped they felt trapped or hopeless in other words they have acquired learned in helplessness learned helplessness which was inculcated into them
15. 05:18 via intermittent reinforcement via operand conditioning they were in the throes of trauma bonding the famous stockholm syndrome it was a kind of cultish shared psychosis or shared psychotic disorder funnier repeated abuse has long lasting very long-lasting
16. 05:40 pernicious and traumatic effects such as panic attacks hyper vigilance sleep disturbances flashbacks intrusive memories suicidal ideation and psychosomatic symptoms all these have been amply documented over the past at least 70 years if not 100 years
17. 05:59 the victims experience shame depression anxiety embarrassment guilt humiliation abandonment and an enhanced sense of vulnerability complex post-traumatic stress disorder complex trauma complex ptsd has been proposed as a new mental health diagnosis at the time by dr
18. 06:22 judith hermann of harvard university to account for the impact of extended periods of trauma interviews classic ptsd is of course a reaction to a single harrowing shattering external shock complex ptsd or complex trauma is a reaction to repeated shocks however minor
19. 06:44 in the article stalking an overview overview of the problem published in the canadian journal of psychiatry 1998 volume 43 pages 473 476. in that article authors kerry karen abrams and gail ehrlich robinson wrote the following initially there is often much denial by the victim
20. 07:09 over time however the stress begins to erode the victim’s life and psychological brutalization results sometimes the victim develops an almost fatal resolve that inevitably one day she will be murdered [Music] that’s per secondary or paranoid ideation
21. 07:28 personal uh the victims unable to live a normal life describe feeling stripped of self-worth and self-dignity personal control and resources psychosocial development social support pre-morbid personality traits and the severity of the stress may all influence how the victim
22. 07:49 experiences and responds to the abuse victims stalked by ex-lovers may experience additional guilt and lowered self-esteem for perceived poor judgment in their relationship choices many victims become isolated and deprived of support when employers or friends or i add
23. 08:10 family members withdraw after also being subjected to harassment or when they are cut off by the victim in order to protect them other tangible consequences include financial losses from quitting jobs moving and buying expensive security equipment in an attempt to gain privacy
24. 08:29 changing homes and jobs results in both material losses and a loss of self-respect now this particular article deals with stalking but many of the effects and the impacts described here are very common in cases of narcissistic abuse and one could even argue
25. 08:46 that narcissistic abuse is much closer to stalking paranoid dangerous talking than to classic abuse surprisingly verbal psychological and emotional abuse have the same effects as the physical variety i refer you to psychology today the september october
26. 09:04 2000 issue page 24. abuse of all kinds also interferes with the victim’s ability to work abrams and robinson wrote this in in the article occupational effects of stalking in the canadian journal of psychiatry 2002 volume 47 pages 468 472 they wrote being stalked by a former
27. 09:26 partner may affect a victim’s ability to work in three ways first the stalking behaviors often interfere directly with the ability to get to work for example flattening tires or other methods of preventing leaving the home second the workplace may become an unsafe location
28. 09:43 if the offender decides to appear there third the mental health effects of such trauma may result in forgetfulness fatigue lowered concentration and disorganization these factors may lead to the loss of employment with accompanying loss of income securities and status why i keep
29. 10:02 focusing on stalking is that in narcissistic abuse the victim internalizes her abuser he becomes an introject the abuser becomes a voice in her head in a way she stalks herself via the agency of her abuser the stalking is done by the victim the victim is her
30. 10:25 own stalker there’s no escape and she abused continues to abuse herself long after a breakup long after a divorce she continues to abuse herself by playing and replaying the recordings of her abuser things he had said to her threats he had made challenges
31. 10:47 to her self-esteem self-confidence and sense of self-worth gaslighting distortion of reality in a way that makes her doubt her own sanity all these are internalized and then integrated into a complete self picture and she can’t get rid of it it’s this there is a pronounced element
32. 11:10 of stalking in narcissistic abuse still it is hard to generalize victims are not a uniform lot in some cultures abuse is commonplace it’s even accepted as a legitimate mode of communication a sign of love and caring and a boost to the abuser’s self-image and to the victim’s
33. 11:30 self-image my husband loves me so much he’s so jealous that he beat me up that’s proof of love in such circumstances the victim is likely to adopt the norms of society and to avoid serious trauma deliberate cold-blooded and premeditated torture has worse and longer lasting effects
34. 11:51 than abuse meted out by the abuser in rage and loss of self-control the existence of a loving and accepting social support network is another mitigating important mitigating factor and finally the ability to express negative emotions safely and to cope with them constructively is
35. 12:08 crucial to healing typically by the time the abuse reaches critical and all pervasive proportions ubiquitous becomes ubiquitous the abuser had already spider-like isolated his victim from family friends and colleagues and meshed her in a shared fantasy
36. 12:28 and deprived her of any judgment and any opinion and any critical thinking and any any reality testing she is catapulted into a netherlands a cult-like setting where reality itself dissolves into a continuing nightmare when the victim emerges on the other end of this wormhole
37. 12:48 the abused woman or more rarely men she feels helpless self-doubting worthless stupid and a guilty failure for having botched her relationship and abandoned her family quote unquote in an effort to regain perspective and to avoid embarrassment and shame and
38. 13:05 guilt the victim denies the abuse or minimizes it no wonder that survivors of abuse tend to be clinically depressed neglect their health and personal appearance succumb to boredom rage and impatience many end up abusing prescription drugs or drinking or otherwise
39. 13:23 behaving recklessly some victims even develop classic post-traumatic stress disorder again contrary to popular misconceptions post-traumatic stress disorder ptsd and acute stress disorder or reaction are not typical responses to prolonged abuse
40. 13:44 they are the outcomes of sudden exposure to severe or extreme stressors stressful events there is a post-traumatic stress response which encompasses ptsd and cpts yet some victims whose life and body had been directly and unequivocally threatened by an abuser
41. 14:04 reacts sometimes by developing exactly these symptoms ptsd is therefore typically associated with the aftermath of extreme physical and sexual abuse in both children and adults we can have in other words comorbidity of cptsd and ptsd with elements of ptsd such as flashbacks
42. 14:23 which don’t occur in cptsd and elements like like narcissistic or psychopathic behaviors or borderline behaviors which are very common in cptsd but never occur in ptsd and that’s why another mental health diagnosis cpdsd that’s why judith hermann proposed this
43. 14:40 diagnosis to account for the impact of extended periods of trauma and abuse once or someone else’s looming death violation helplessness personal injury impotence powerful pain they’re sufficient to provoke the behaviors the cognitions and emotions that together are known as ptsd
44. 15:02 even learning about such mishaps may be enough to trigger massive anxiety responses the first phase of ptsd involves incapacitating an overwhelming fear the victim feels like she has been thrust into a nightmare or horror movie she’s rendered helpless by her own
45. 15:19 terror she keeps reliving the experience through recurrent and intrusive visual and auditory hallucinations flashbacks or dreams in some flashbacks the victim completely lapses into a dissociative state and physically re-enacts the event while being thoroughly oblivious to her
46. 15:39 true surroundings in an attempt to suppress this constant playback and the attendant exaggerated startled response jumpiness the victim tries to avoid all stimuli associated however indirectly with a traumatic event many develop full-scale phobias like
47. 15:56 agoraphobias claustrophobia fear of heights a version of specific animals to specific animals objects modes of transportation neighborhoods buildings occupations weather and so on most ptsd victims are especially vulnerable on the anniversaries of their abuse they
48. 16:12 try to avoid thoughts feelings conversations activities situations or people who remind them of the traumatic occurrence these are the triggers and this constant hyper-vigilance and arousal the sleep disorders mainly insomnia the irritability short fuse and the
49. 16:29 inability to concentrate and to complete even relatively simple tasks they erode the victim’s self-esteem and resilience utterly fatigued exhausted most patients manifest protracted periods of numbness automatism and in radical cases near catatonic posture
50. 16:49 response times to verbal cues increase dramatically awareness of the environment decreases sometimes dangerously so the victims are described by nearest and dearest as zombies machines automata the victims appear to be sleepwalking depressed dysphoric and hedonic
51. 17:08 not interested in anything they find pleasure in nothing they report feeling detached emotionally absent estranged and alienated many victims say that their life is over and expect to have no career family or otherwise meaningful future the victim’s family
52. 17:23 and friends complained that she is no longer capable of showing intimacy tenderness compassion empathy of having sex due to her post-traumatic frigidity many victims become paranoid impulsive reckless self-destructive other victims traumatize the mental problems and
53. 17:42 complain of numerous physical ailments they feel guilty shameful humiliated desperate hopeless and hostile many of them develop somatization or conversion symptoms and become hypochondriacs post-traumatic conditions did not appear immediately after the harrowing
54. 18:00 experience they can appear and often do appear after many days or many months they’re delayed it’s a delayed reaction and they last more than one month usually much longer sufferers of post-traumatic conditions report subjective distress the manifestations are ego-dystonic
55. 18:19 they’re uncomfortable they’re functioning in various settings job performance grades at school sociability new romantic attachments this functioning deteriorates markedly the criteria in the dsm-4 and 5 for diagnosing ptsd are far too restrictive even today
56. 18:38 even today when they had been expanded to include complex trauma and so on they’re still restricted the post trauma seems to also develop in the wake of verbal and emotional abuse in the aftermath of drawn out traumatic situations such as a nasty divorce and so we need
57. 18:57 to rethink trauma as a major responsive modus in many situations which he the two we did not consider such as for example domestic violence why are we limiting such um responses to i don’t know um [Music] for example natural disasters or war moreover um there are other phenomena
58. 19:27 associated with with with this for example consider triggering cascade triggering cascades when seemingly mine a minor trigger results in vastly disproportionate trauma painful memories replete with the attendant negative emotions a walled behind mental barriers
59. 19:45 combinations of dams and firewalls sometimes even an innocuous mishap or a merely unpleasant event rupture these defenses and decades of hurt like effluents of pain are released in an avalanche that the times can be life-threatening narcissists and psychopaths are expert
60. 20:03 in eliciting this response they are dream records they are particularly adept at provoking triggering cascades by aggressively and contemptuously frustrating both individual and social expectations cherished and life-sustaining hopes deeply held beliefs and ingrained
61. 20:21 fantasies and values the lack of empathy of um narcissistic or psychopathic partner the innate goal focused cruelty and ruthlessness the absent impulse control the mind-boggling recklessness create a whiplash of shock and disorientation coupled with agony and a pervasive
62. 20:42 feeling of being existentially negated its intolerable angst this this uh this thing trauma also imprints everything and everyone involved all present in the stressful event however tangentially so there’s a traumatic event or series of events and the places the people the smells
63. 21:06 the sounds the circumstances objects dates categories of all the above all get imprinted and stamped with a traumatic experience trauma imprinting is at the core of traumatic syndromes post-traumatic stress disorder complex trauma and they are triggering
64. 21:26 triggers are places people smell sounds circumstances data objects that are reminiscent of the same classes of stressors involved in the original drama and that evoke them many exposure and re-traumatization therapies including most recently the treatment
65. 21:43 modality that i had developed called therapy these treatment modalities make use of trauma imprinting to generate new less stressful less panic or anxiety-inducing associations between extant triggers and so to induce integration of the haywire emotions the dysregulated emotions
66. 22:02 involved in the primary situation major traumas can lead to either of two opposing outcomes regression into an inf into infantile behaviors and defenses in infantile state or a spurt of personal growth and maturation it all depends how the trauma is processed
67. 22:21 it all depends on the social network social support network faced with devastatingly hurtful overwhelming and dysregulated emotions personalities with a low level of organization for example borderline personalities react to trauma with decompensation reckless acting out
68. 22:39 even psychotic macro episodes major depression suicidal ligation are very common and in an attempt to restore a sense of safety the individual victim regresses to an earlier familiar predictable safe base phase of life she evokes parental imagos and introjects to protect her
69. 22:59 to comfort her to soothe and take over responsibilities in a way the trauma victim parents herself by splitting her mind into a benevolent forgiving unconditionally loving inner object mother or father and another object which is wayward defiant independent and rebellious child
70. 23:18 or tin who is largely oblivious to the consequences of his or her actions more balanced emotionally regulated mature people reframe the trauma by accommodating it in a rational evidence-based not fictitious or counterfactual narrative they modify
71. 23:36 their theories about the world and the way the world operates they set new bound boundaries they generate new values new beliefs new rows of contacts new schemas they process their emotions fully they’re thereby rendered more more centrifugations not less so
72. 23:52 in other words mature people grow up having leveraged their painful losses as an engine of positive development geared towards the attainment of favorable long-term results abuse and attachment trauma and bonding form parabolic relationships up to the vertex the low point of the
73. 24:12 parabola one member of the pair abuse and trauma sustains and enhances the other member attachment and bonding beyond that point the former abuse and trauma weakens and undermines attachment and bonding the exact location of the vertex depends on individual experience on
74. 24:32 personal history on culture personality social mores peer input expectations up to a point people men and women are attracted to abusers we must accept this abuse attracts when the malt treatment reaches the traumatic vertex the emotional reaction flips and the heated victims
75. 24:54 are repelled by the gratuitous cruelty and they’re ejected and catapulted out of the diode the couple of the bond this means that good guys and decent women don’t stand a chance in the sexual and relationship marketplace they always amount to distant and
76. 25:12 unattractive second rebound choices nice guys and solid stable girls are there to pick up the pieces relegated to the unglamorous role of the sanitation workers of lopsided romance they’re rarely anything more than pedestrian providers and co-parents or if they like luck out
77. 25:34 intimate companions in between their spouses extramarital affairs with other more abusive less regulated more labile more thrilling and appealing ones numerous studies have demonstrated this people are attracted to dysregulation lability pain expected hurt and abuse
78. 25:55 unconsciously subliminally indeed nice girls and nice guys do end lost unfortunately it’s time to reverse this paradigm thank you for listening