Next, the first phase is grooming and love body.

Second phase, shared fantasy. He had captured you, he had acquired you, he is all over you. He had become your obsession. You become compulsive, you become possessive, you want him because he’s the best thing since sliced bread, better than sliced bread.

So you can’t live without himself. Here, he can mold you, he can shape you into an actor in the theater production. That is his shared fantasy.

Now don’t confuse theater with life. Don’t do this. That’s theater.

Narcissist has no life. Only consecutive movies, consecutive theater productions. It’s a shared fantasy.

And when he went like a spider, he had captured you in the wave and he feels your tremors and your movements, you know, communicated via the web. He can feel you. He has called empathy. He scans you all the time and so on. When he feels confident that he is the new proprietor, that you had become his objectified property, he starts to abuse you. He starts to abuse you for two reasons.

One, he wants to test whether you can become his mother or father.

Again, if the narcissist is a woman, just change the gender pronouns. So he wants to, in the case of a heterosexual narcissistic man, he wants to test, he abuses you.

Narcissistic abuse in the shared fantasy is intended to secure two goals.

One, to test whether you can become a true mother. A true mother means that you will love him unconditionally, that you will accept enemy’s behavior and enemy’s conduct, including abuse. So he abuses you. He pushes the envelope. He wants to see how far he can go. He wants to see when you will show signs of abandonment, of giving up, of being desperate, of looking for someone else. And he wants to know your boundaries, in other words, he’s testing the boundaries.

So this is the first goal.

The second goal, he is reenacting, that is unconscious and compulsive. He’s reenacting his early childhood conflicts with his mother. All the aggression is displaced from his mother to you. You become his mother.

And if the mother was a dead mother, emotionally unavailable, depressive, narcissistic, and so on, he would push you to play this part through a process called projective identification.

Now, if you play this part, he’s justified in dumping you. He’s justified in discarding you.

If you don’t play this part, and if you accept him and love him unconditionally, he’s yours forever. He will be addicted to you forever.

But extremely few women survive this. It’s an ordeal by fire, ordeal by fire. It’s the closest thing to a terrainan, terrestrial hell, the closest, because he’s abusing you and sending you at the same time mixed signals.

The first signal is, please, I want you to be my good enough mother. I want you to love me unconditionally. I want you to accept my naughty side, my misconduct, my misbehavior, my faults, my foibles, my frivolities, I want you to truly love me like a child, a pure child with message number one.

At the same time, he’s sending the diametrically opposed message. I want you to be a bad mother, a vicious mother, a wicked mother, the wicked mother of the North. I want you to abuse me and torture me and cheat on me and ruin me. And because I want you to be my mother, my original mother, the mother who had shaped me, I miss her. I want her.

And I want to continue to engage in the game that we used to have where, you know, she was abusing me. I was abusing her.

This power play, he tries to create the power play via mind games. These messages can be reconciled. It’s a lose-lose situation. There’s no winning here.

Only a super centered, extremely resilient, hyper intelligent, mega genius woman can somehow find the middle ground by sending her own contrary mixed signals by modulating the narcissist’s mixed signals.

I’ll dedicate a whole video to this some other time. So subjected to the narcissistic abuse in the shared fantasy, most women react in one of two ways.

I would say 99% of women react in one of two ways.

There are those women who withdraw. They are pushed away. They actually effectively, emotionally exit the shared fantasy. Some of them, not all of them, some of them cheat and they cheat discreetly because they don’t want to hurt the narcissist. They still regard the narcissist as a wounded child. They understand the narcissist in some way.

They are, and so they don’t want, you know, they don’t want to cause unnecessary pain, but they want to gratify their unmet needs. They have needs. And so they want to meet these needs. If they cheat, they cheat discreetly. If they betray, they betray incrementally and mildly, and they withdraw only usually emotionally.

When the narcissist spots this, remember, he has this scanner, he has this radar called empathy. He gets you before you get yourself. He can anticipate every move you make. You can never fool the narcissist. Don’t fool yourself that you had ever fooled the narcissist. He’s extremely unlikely to show you that he knows, that he understands, that he anticipates you, that he has every detail about everything you have done with anyone. He will never show you this because it’s a vulnerability. It proves his weakness. Spying on you is a weakness, etc.

So, but he knows everything. You take it as a working hypothesis. Your narcissistic partner knows absolutely everything you’ve ever done with anyone and your innermost thoughts and so on.

Cold empathy is the most powerful tool I know to penetrate other people’s minds. Most powerful. So he gets you.

He realizes he picks up the tremors like a seismograph. He knows the earthquake is coming.

And so he begins to stalk you. If you choose this solution, emotional absenteeism, having it on the side, double timing, you know, he begins to stalk you, a rotomaniac stalking.

And in a way it’s becoming even, even a more pronounced case of approach avoidance. You know, he approaches you with the stalking and then he avoids you with the abuse. Becomes really bad.

Other women, you remember there are two solutions to the narcissistic abuse in the shared fantasy.

Other women choose to bargain. They bargain with the narcissists. They pose demands. They remind him of his promises. They ask for his commitment. They suggest some arrangement. They try to spice up the sex life. They insist on going to couple therapy, marital counseling, etc.

They try somehow to bargain their way into a better, improved relationship. And this provokes the second type of narcissistic abuse.

And the soul, the only goal of this second type of narcissistic abuse is to jettison the partner, to get rid of the partner once and for all.

So while in the first case of narcissistic abuse and stalking, they avoid and they avoid in your approach. In this case, sorry, in the first case, you avoid in their approach.

Yes. In the first case, the first solution you chose to withdraw. You chose to cheat discreetly. You choose to emotionally absent yourself from the relationship.

So you’re the one who is avoiding. You’re the one who is developing avoidant strategies and behaviors.

And then they approach stalking. So in the first case, you avoid their approach.

In the second case, you approach. You approach. You’re trying to bargain. You’re trying to restore the relationship. You’re trying to make things better. You approach.

And now it’s their turn to avoid. They push you away.

So the stalking, which is solution number one, I mean, behavior number one, solution number one provokes talking or the type two abuse type two narcissistic abuse is the sort of abuse that happens in the bargaining phase.

Whether you’re stopped or whether you’re abused, majority of women end up abandoning the narcissist.

Now, some of them abandoned functionally by cheating or in on the narcissist and betraying the narcissist ostentatiously or by engaging in a smear company or by taking revenge or by just abandoning overtly and conspicuously.

So these are the dramatic personalities among you. If you yourself have mental health issue, like if you’re borderline or codependent, you’re likely to engage in a dramatic exit, exit lift.

But the majority of intimate partners of the narcissists, they just walk away. Simply they pack their things and walk away. Heartbroken, they give up and they just walk away.

So then the narcissist starts to reframe his internal notification that the hidden, the hidden implicit knowledge that he had made all this happen, that he is the one who had destroyed the relationship.

So he’s beginning to convert it to external modification. He’s beginning to say what it was her fault. She misbehaved. She abused me. She cheated on me. She abandoned me.

So this is from internal to external. And then it doesn’t work very well. And there’s a pendulum movement from internal to external, from external to internal. And the reason for this vacillation is that the shared fantasy is egosyntonic.

The narcissist feels good in the shared fantasy. And when you exit the shared fantasy, he feels wrong. He feels that you had misbehaved. He feels that you had abused him. He feels like a victim.

While the bargaining phase is egosyntonic, the narcissist doesn’t feel comfortable with the bargaining phase. He hates it. He wants out.

And so he feels that he’s in control when he pushes you away. When he not statistically abused you in the bargaining phase, he knows what he’s doing. And he knows that in a way it’s wrong to abuse people.

So he has internal modification.

The thing with the minx, all I could get from her was coffee. She didn’t give me this buzz of intoxication and passion and desire. You know what I mean? I’ve been with her for too long.

Okay, kiddos and kiddos. The same, the same cycle with the very same steps, with the very same dynamics applied in all the narcissist’s relationships, romantic relationships, one-night stands, business in the workplace, in church with neighbors.

Take this model with all its steps, all its dynamics, all its behaviors and misbehaviors, avoidance, approach, all this. And you will see that it applies to the way the narcissist performs his job in the workplace, to his relationships with his colleagues and with his boss, of course, to a prolonged interaction with a specific neighbor, you know, enmity between neighbors, to the way he functions in church and to his relationship with the children.

This is the universal schema, the universal framework, the template of all the narcissist’s relationships.

Okay, that’s been a heavy video, so I’ll finish with two tidbits, just to gratify you and edify you.

We are all under curfew and we are all in quarantine, or many of us are in quarantine, some of us are under curfew and so on and so forth.

Now, lockdown is a relatively new word, and so it doesn’t have a very illustrious history.

The history, the roots of words, it’s a discipline called etymology. Etymology is a study of the roots of words.

But curfew and quarantine are old words, they’re like hundreds of years old, and they have a very long and varied and colorful history, very similar to some narcissists.

CAREFUE is a contraction, portmanteau contraction, of the original French. In French, it was called couvre-feu, which means cover the fire.

You see, in the Middle Ages, in Europe, there was a bell, and the bell was rang. They were ringing the bell at a certain hour in the evening, usually it was about eight o’clock, depending on the location, depending on the sun and so on. Usually it was eight.

And when the bell was rang, everyone had to put up fires, domestic fires, outside fires. All fires had to be extinguished.

And the reason was that if it didn’t extinguish the fires, they tended to spread.

So very small domestic fires sometimes destroyed a whole city, like the Great Fire of London, which started in a bakery in a tiny, and of course in Chicago.

So domestic fires were very, very dangerous. They burned down whole towns, whole cities, whole villages.

So when the bell was run, couvre-feu covered the fire.

Couvre-feu, this is, they borrowed the term to refer to a restriction on anything, not only on fire, on citizens movements, but after dark.

So until very, very recently, they were ringing the church bells when there was curfew.

Until very recently, no one, no, actually, I, no one really knew why.

They just knew there’s a curfew and we have to ring the bells, but no one remembered why.

What was, what was the original purpose?

I refer you to the poem, Grace Elegy, written in a country churchyard, in a country churchyard.

And it says the sentence there, the curfew towards the knell of parting day.

It’s an echo of this thing.

Now quarantine, quarantine has to do with narcissism, believe it or not.

Originally the word quarantine meant a period of 40 days in which a widow had the right to remain in her dead husband’s house.

We find the first mention of this type of quarantine in the early 16th century.

And so quarantine had to do with the relationships between men and women.

When the narcissist dies, his widow can remain in his house for 40 days.

Another use of quarantine, it was pronounced Calentine.

Another use was the desert in which Christ fasted for 40 days.

So the desert itself was called Calentine. It was borrowed from the Latin word quadraginta, 40.

Okay.

The quarantine, the way we use it today is an earlier word.

It’s actually started, I read online, things which are completely wrong.

They attribute the word to Italy. Didn’t start in Italy. It started in Croatia in a city known today as Dubuovnik, an amazing place, by the way.

It’s like medieval life come alive. It’s a port, it’s a fort and a port put together. It’s a stunning place.

Once the pandemic is over, promise yourselves to go and see Dubuovnik. You’ve never seen something like this. It’s on the sea. It’s like someone took a ferry castle, put it on the sea.

Anyhow, it wasn’t called Dubuovnik at the time. It was called Gagusa and they passed a law and the original law was not 40 days. It was actually 30 days and it was not called Calentine. It was called Trentine, no.

And it was like every ship arriving from any part of the world where there was a disease of some kind, that ship had to be isolated. The sailors had to be isolated and the goods, by the way, had to be isolated for 30 days.

So no one from Gagusa, Dubuovnik of today, was allowed to visit the ships during the Trentino. And if someone broke the law, they joined the ship crew. I mean they had to remain on the ship for the mandatory 30 days.

And so for close to 100 years, 80 years, 100 years, many, many cities in Europe, port cities with harbors, they adopted this Trentino. So Marseille had the Trentino, Pisa had Trentino, and many, many other cities.

So something happened after 80 years. No one is quite sure what. Something happened after 80 years. And they extended the period from 30 days to 40 days. And they renamed the Trentino and called it Calentino, which is the root of the word Calentine that we use today.

A little entertainment after a very heavy and difficult video.

So I need a drink. Vaknin, why not? Let the people go. Let my people go. Okay, okay, got it. Okay, this was it for today.

We discussed cerebral narcissist. There will be a video, I’m threatening you, there will be a video dedicated to the somatic narcissist. Now that will be real fun.

As what goes on the mind of somatic narcissist. And the way he deceives you is, it’s amazing. He’s a con artist, while the cerebral is an alien, a form of artificial intelligence. The somatic is simply a con artist, but a delightful con artist, you know, many women say maybe somatic, maybe he’s a narcissist, but it was worth it. So we’ll talk about it. I promise.