My name is Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.
Personal boundaries are rules of conduct, the sand, any infringement and breach of which you deem unacceptable behavior.
You need to set your personal boundaries clearly, unequivocally and unambiguously.
Firstly, to yourself, how to protect your dignity, safeguard your privacy, guarantee your freedom and maintain your priorities.
You then need to communicate your boundaries to your partner, replete with the price list, the costs associated with ignoring or violating your boundaries.
Finally, you need to be firm and enforce your boundaries. Your credibility depends on a consistent and fair application of these rules of engagement.
Examples of a few boundaries, refuse to accept abusive behavior, demand reasonably predictable and rational actions and reactions, insist on respect for your boundaries, predilections, preferences and priorities, demand a just and proportional treatment, reject or ignore unjust, arbitrary and capricious behavior.
If you are up to the inevitable confrontation, react in kind. Let him taste some of his own medicine.
Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him. Do not negotiate with bullies, they are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail or extortion of any guy, even implied.
When things get rough, disengage, involve law enforcement officers, friends and colleagues, or outright threaten him legally. Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser’s weapon. Sunshine disinfects abuse.
Never give him a second chance. React with your full arsenal to the first transgression, full power, full mind, on the first offense.
Be guarded. Don’t be too forthcoming in a first or casual meeting. Gather intelligence. Be yourself. Do not misrepresent your wishes, boundaries, preferences, priorities and red lines. Do not lie about who you are, essentially. Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back on your word. Be firm, be resolute, be fair.
Stay away from such quagmars. Scrutinize every offer and suggestion, no matter how we lock yours.
Prepare backup plans. Keep others informed of your whereabouts and appraised of your situation. Be vigilant. Be doubting. Do not be gullible. Do not be suggestible.
Better safe than sorry. Often the abuser’s proxies are unaware of their roles, people that he uses in order to abuse you, third parties.
Expose him to his collaborators. Inform them. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused and plain used by the abuser himself. Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve other people. Bring it into the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfect abuse. I will say it again and again.
Your boundaries are your protection. Bridge them and you put yourself in danger.
Emotional, financial, sometimes physical and legal. Good luck.
