My name is Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.
My advice was very controversial. People insisted that a modicum of contact with a narcissist and psychopath is a good idea.
Today I am glad to say, no contact is the conventional wisdom and the orthodox advice and tip to victims of narcissism.
So what did I mean and what do I mean when I say no contact?
First of all, be sure to maintain as much contact with your abuser as the courts, counselors, evaluators, mediators, guardians, or law enforcement officials mandate.
Do not contravene the decisions of the system. Do not go against the courts.
Work from the inside to change judgments, evaluations, or rulings, but never ignore them. You will only turn the system against you and against your interests.
But with the exception of this minimum mandated by the courts, decline any and all gratuitous contact with the narcissist or psychopath.
Do not respond to the narcissist’s pleading romantic, nostalgic, flattering, or threatening email messages. Return to him all gifts that he sends you. Refuse him entry to your premises. Do not even respond to the intercom. Do not talk to him on the phone. Hang up the minute you hear his voice while making clear to him in a single or light but firm sentence that you are determined to not talk to him any longer.
Do not answer his letters or any other forms of communication. Do not visit him on special occasions or in emergencies in the hospital for instance. Do not respond to questions, requests, or pleas forwarded to you via third parties.
Disconnect from third parties whom you know are spying on you at his behest. Do not discuss him with your children. Do not discuss him with your children. Do not gossip about him. Do not ask him for anything, even if you are in dire need.
When you are forced to meet him do not discuss your personal affairs or his. Do not go into the territory of intimacy. Do not go back to La La Land.
Relegate any inevitable contact with him when and where possible to professionals, to your lawyer, to your accountant.
Avoiding contact with your abuser is a form of setting boundaries, and setting boundaries is a form of healing.
Refuse to accept abusive behavior. Demand reasonably predictable and rational actions and reactions from everyone around you. Insist on respect for your boundaries, predilections, preferences and priorities. Demand a just and proportional treatment. Reject or ignore unjust and capricious and predictable behavior.
If confrontation, react in kind, let him taste some of his own medicine. Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him.
Do not negotiate with bullies. They are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail. If things get rough, disengage, involve law enforcement officers, friends, colleagues, or even threaten him, legally of course, by a lawyer.
Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser’s weapon. Sunshine disinfects abuse. Never give him a second chance. React with all your full arsenal to the first transgression.
Do not wait for the second one. Be guarded. Don’t be too forthcoming in a first or casual meeting. Gather intelligence before you commit. Be yourself. Don’t misrepresent your wishes, boundaries, preferences, priorities and red lines. Do not mislead. Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back on your word.
These kind of things create expectations that may end up very badly. Be firm. Be resolute, but be polite and civil.
The problem in interactions with abusers is a mismatch of expectations.
Stay away from such quipmars. Scrutinize every offer in suggestion, no matter how innocuous, and feel free to reject those which you find unacceptable.
Prepare backup plans. Keep others involved of your whereabouts and appraised of your situation at any moment. Be vigilant. Be doubting.
Do not be gullible. Do not be suggestible.
Better safe than sorry.
Often the abusers’ proxies are unaware of their role.
He sends people your way to spy on you, to harass you, to abuse you, to convince you, to flatter you, to cajole you. Expose him. Inform these people. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused and plain used, but the abusers show them that they are his unwilling and unwitting instruments. Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve others. Bring it into the open.
Nothing like sunshine to disinfect abuse.
Remember that.
Good luck here.
