My name is Sam Vaknin. I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.
From an early age, usually in the school system, we are taught, at least in the United States, that there is no limit to what we can achieve. That if we wish to accomplish something, all we need to do is set ourselves goals and then apply ourselves to their attainment.
With time, dedication, we are told, positive outcomes are guaranteed and indeluctable, no matter how high we set the bar.
There are no unrealistic aspirations we are informed, only insufficient perspiration and lacking inspiration.
This narrative is narcissistic and delusional. It is counterproductive, because in reality, we do have limitations. We suffer defeats. We make mistakes. No one is infallible, invincible, omnipotent or omniscient.
But exposed to this onslaught of propaganda aimed at boosting our self-esteem and puffing our self-confidence, when inevitably we fail in some endeavors, we tend to blame ourselves. We say, if only I had tried harder, or, and such a loser, a lazy good for nothing, I never get it right.
Such inner-statistic voices tend to deplete our energy and discourage us from trying again.
In hock to the official line that casts us as absolute masters of our own fate, we’d rather abstain than be proven wrong.
By attributing failures to our failings, we become the reification of our own bad fortune or indolence. We give up on life’s challenges, engulfed by fatalism and defeatism.
Some of us choose another path when confronted with failure or defeat. We say, if I botched and bundled it, surely I did not want it that badly.
This is known in psychological jargon as cognitive dissonance. This kind of self-deception is equally self-destructive. It teaches us that nothing really matters. Everything is fun and games and should not be taken too seriously.
Reality and personal history are what you make of them and are subject to rewriting, reframing and outright confabulation.
So how to avoid these pitfalls?
